My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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Hehehe.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:03 (twenty years ago)

!!.

!!!!!.

I had forgotten. Actually, where have I been?

I have no idea.

Hey, Ned.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:05 (twenty years ago)

How do.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:25 (twenty years ago)

so. dare i ask about "cheese fry"?

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:38 (twenty years ago)

I think you should just investigate that link.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:38 (twenty years ago)

when ya gotta bump...

― dr lulu (dr lulu), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:19 (twenty years ago)

after the glory of trucker-hat guy, cheese fry was a little disappointing. sorry. i should have done them the other way round.

x-post: no need!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:20 (twenty years ago)

"girls, gurls, grrls: c/d, s/d" was awesome, though.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 16 March 2006 22:39 (twenty years ago)

three months pass...

37. We lived in an apartment complex across the freeway from the strip malls (two of them) where Richfield ended and Bloomington began, effectively, and one day I was out hanging around at one of the strip malls. My brother was about a year old and Mom was pregnant (with my sister Alex), and there was somewhere we needed to go in a last-minute way, I forget what. She knew where I was and came by; she'd just gone grocery shopping at the Red Owl at the end of the strip mall, stopped into whatever store I was at, and told me to come along. We were about halfway across the sidewalk on the freeway overpass when Chris came rushing up, started yelling at me for worrying Mom (who told him that she hadn't been worried at all), and then berated me for not carrying her bag of groceries for her.

There was only one problem: he'd left my brother at home.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:09 (nineteen years ago)

"Where's Jake?" Mom asked.

"Oh, he's asleep in the crib," Chris said. Needless to say, Mom ran home as fast as she could and Chris gave me shit for not having manners as we walked back together.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:10 (nineteen years ago)

oh, matostepfatherpaws

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 29 June 2006 03:19 (nineteen years ago)

I still think there's a book in this.

...

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:41 (nineteen years ago)

you reckon?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:47 (nineteen years ago)

seriously. fictionalized or straight-up memoir. I'd read it anway.

― m coleman (lovebug starski), Thursday, 29 June 2006 11:56 (nineteen years ago)

Sure it could. Were I pitching it to a British publisher, I'd tell them Matos grew up in a place they don't think exists.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:05 (nineteen years ago)

i can't believe i forgot about this thread! my morning needed some chucklesesez

― latebloomer aka rap's yoko ono (latebloomer), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:28 (nineteen years ago)

Matos, you must submit to hypnosis in order to dredge it all up. Nobody ever got into "recovered memories" for their COMIC value. It's time to rectify this.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

Friday Project it up, seriously! If they'll do Holey Moley and the Ladies Bogs this would be right up their street! DO IT DO IT DO IT and I'll only claim half of the resulting royalties for suggesting them. It's a bargin, really. I'll send over the paperwork. Is that a current email address?

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

seriously. fictionalized or straight-up memoir.

a million little matoses

― aimee semple mcmansion (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 29 June 2006 12:34 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.menmymotherdated.com/

And this thread has brightened my week considerably!

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Thursday, 29 June 2006 13:32 (nineteen years ago)

this is brilliant. some of it is hilarious but i know you must have gone through a lot an im very sorry for you.sorry about jake as well. cant believe cos he knows he cant win he just always answers with "fu*k you" unless he can find a weird or cheesy statement.

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 08:34 (nineteen years ago)

dude.

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 08:36 (nineteen years ago)

how old are you now?

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Friday, 30 June 2006 13:27 (nineteen years ago)

"You lie like a kite!" never really took off, did it?

― Chairman Doinel (Charles McCain), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:20 (nineteen years ago)

I used to say it occasionally to a friend who lurks on ILX, but haven't in ages. Maybe I should start again!

― melton mowbray's APOCALYPTO! (adr), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

matos is 19 this year.

― Bea Arthur - Lost COmic GEnius ? (dubplatestyle), Friday, 30 June 2006 18:57 (nineteen years ago)

4. Another argument. "You're cold and unemotional," my mother accuses. "Well, what do you want me to do?" Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

is actually kind of beautiful.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Friday, 30 June 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: myself, Emilymv (who hasn't really posted, like, at all since she birthed her baby).

― you can email me if you wish to challenge the truth (nickalicious), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:08 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: me.

― Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:17 (nineteen years ago)

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

― M@tt He1geson, Rendolent Ding-Dong (Matt Helgeson), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:26 (nineteen years ago)

ILXORS who have said "you lie like a kite" in real life: me.

― Fsck Washing Ong's Hat (Chris Barrus), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

― rrrobyn sharkattack battleforcenet (rrrobyn), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:30 (nineteen years ago)

My mothers incredibly stupid now husband pull some classic shit. I thinked he topped it all yesterday. I got a call from my mother this morning. Apparently Wa*ne had one too many Natty Lights on Saturday and decided to do some work in the basement of the apartment (they live in an old victorian house). Well I guess the pipes in the house basement are insulated with asbestos insulation. And the landlord was going to pay some guy $600 to have it removed. Well shithead decided after a few beers to save the landlord some trouble and remove it himself. Without any protection or without a license to do so. So my mother hears him down there banging pipes around a ripping asbestos out with his bare hands. No mask. The people on the second floor went down and saw him and called the landlord. The police as well as the EPA showed up at the house. Wanting to fine him $10000 and arrest him for illegally doing this. Now, the basement (where the laundry is and storage) is labeled as a hazardous site and is sealed off. My mother says it looks like something from ET. And everyone in the building is not allowed down there for weeks.

So ... Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism?

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:44 (nineteen years ago)

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

Yep, Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:45 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

Haha! me too!

― melton mowbray's APOCALYPTO! (adr), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

Please to link "cheese fry"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 2 July 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

This is almost like Zen poetry....

― jay blanchard (jay blanchard), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:50 (nineteen years ago)

The most upfront sexual proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met

haha absolute best part of the cheese fry story is that my current boss posted on the exact same thread, less than 10 posts above it. this is PROOF that ilx will not be an impediment to gainful employment.

― Bea Arthur - Lost COmic GEnius ? (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:57 (nineteen years ago)

37.5. Apparently Chris argued with my mother about having left Jake in his crib, alone and asleep, while he came out to look for her and berate me: "So what? What the fuck is wrong with it? He's asleep! He isn't going anywhere." (A few years later, one of our neighbors--on the same floor of our apartment--was murdered by someone who'd been buzzed into the building.)

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Monday, 3 July 2006 06:25 (nineteen years ago)

omg yr sister and lorie have seen this? whoa!
kinda funny thou :D haha

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:30 (nineteen years ago)

nabisco your story is FUNNY haha :D you could do another thread on this subject!

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:35 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

It doesn't actually say that?
*checks*
Damn! :-0

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:38 (nineteen years ago)

38. My mom's mother was born on Friday the 13th. (On this date, actually; happy birthday, Grandma.) When my mom told this to Chris, he informed her, "That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween." He then threw a fit when she told him this was impossible.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:50 (nineteen years ago)

that's so fucking fantastic.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:54 (nineteen years ago)

My mom called me at work, while driving, to tell me it. I love you, Mom.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

It was in the Year of the Magical Numerical Transposition.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

Absolutely classic, Matos. Please to look after the red-haired vixen next week and make sure she gets to Kiehl's for me!

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:58 (nineteen years ago)

haha will do!

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:00 (nineteen years ago)

"That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween."

I don't think any other dumb comment can ever live up to this one.

― GILLY'S BAGG'EAR VANCE OF COUPARI (Ex Leon), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

oh, that's classic.
i also love your mom for knowing it was worthy of an at-work phone call.

― rrrobyn sharkattack battleforcenet (rrrobyn), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

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