30 Things Every Woman Should Have And Should Know By The Time She's 30

many of these are more fun if you think of them as advice to serial killers:

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

It's like a mash-up of 'Dressed to Kill' and 'Saw'

32. set a bar stool on fire and act like it wasn't a thing

How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next

this is some next-level shit where you kiss me like you want to repair the water damage in your living room or maybe play skee ball and then walk around the lake checking out mansions

I'm every woman

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

woah woah hold the phone

what?

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

Add a strap on and most eventualities are covered.

a kiss that says 'anal is not gonna happen'

where's God

god should be 1

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

"And that's why we won't be visiting grandma again, kids"

the kiss communication thing is fucking bizarre

1. god
2. peace
3. movement

5.first aid

5.lyrics

6. funky beats

7.counting maybe

7.if it is racist

a spork, a USB cable and a camo thong

"That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over." - is quietly the worst of these.
"Oh, you were abused as a child? BUCK THE FUCK UP."

the kiss communication thing is fucking bizarre

yeah and totally archaic

boils down to the difference between "good night" and "let's do stuff". hardly archaic, and i can't imagine too many people have trouble negotiating the distinction.

Yep, because if your kiss doesn't communicate that you don't want sex, it's your own damn fault.

I definitely have a few different kisses - the 'keep kissing me, let's get dirty' and the 'jesus dude, I've got to get to sleep' for instance

How about we just have words that can indicate those things instead? I don't know, just spitballing here.

and then tehre's the "white couch" kiss

imagine if we communicated by kissing

typing would be super awkward

I don't want my tongue or lips anywhere near my keyboard, I know where my hands have been

I feel like women are better off communicating their desires directly like adult humans with a voice and a brain w/o relying on some dude with a boner to interperet their kiss.

Maybe that kiss means, "I want to make out," and not, "good-bye," or "let's fuck."

It's not 1950.

isn't the difference between "let's get dirty" and "let me go to sleep" just tongues?

depends on your hemline

tbf, "dude with a boner can't think straight" is borderline some 1950-shit

the overreaction to some of the more innocuous entries on the list is getting a little silly itt

I feel like women are better off communicating their desires directly like adult humans with a voice and a brain w/o relying on some dude with a boner to interperet their kiss.

Maybe that kiss means, "I want to make out," and not, "good-bye," or "let's fuck."

It's not 1950.

― Meanwhile, on some cars... (Austerity Ponies), Thursday, April 26, 2012 3:38 PM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

once again my display name takes an unfortunate turn

'Glasgow kiss'

lol this is amazingly dumb

This kind of reminds me of this list in Viz I was reading last night, "20 Things You Never Knew About Trees (And Elephants)," except not on purposely stupid and inane.

Uhhh the second #14, I guess. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. I do sometimes stop myself from opening emails or messages with "Sorry, but..." when it's totally uncalled for and I haven't done anything wrong.

― how did I get here? why am I in the whiskey aisle? this is all so (Laurel), Thursday, April 26, 2012 1:47 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is otm. I'm often overly apologetic esp when i've not done anything wrong. It's one of the habits I have that I'd most like to break.

Viz articles are usually uncannily accurate

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

you can change all three with a bone saw

isn't the difference between "let's get dirty" and "let me go to sleep" just tongues?

― seapunk run. run punk run! (Noodle Vague), Thursday, April 26, 2012 7:38 PM (9 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

And grinding! I do use words to communicate intent sometimes too - but there's something sexy about going from hanging out on the couch to having sex without having to say a word! But my husband and I kiss every chance we get, it's natural we'd develop a language out of it.

the kiss communication thing is fucking bizarre

― zubaz fupa (elmo argonaut), Thursday, April 26, 2012 3:12 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

There are totally different types of kisses that "say" different things but, yeah, it's dumb.

er, xpost lol

i was joking to cover up my lack of experience :(

j/k

but there's something sexy about going from hanging out on the couch to having sex without having to say a word

That can certainly be true.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

you can change all three with a bone saw

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/257/8/0/bonesaw_is_ready_by_tomservo842-d2yppjo.jpg

can't believe you guys never learned to incorporate Morse code into your Frenching
I like to start out with a "What hath God wrought" smooch just to make sure we're on the same level

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

This is not always true.

can't believe you guys never learned to incorporate Morse code into your Frenching
I like to start out with a "What hath God wrought" smooch just to make sure we're on the same level

it's like a combination of frenching and chisanbop

lol Abbs! I'm going to try out some experimental kissing on A when I see him tomorrow. Perhaps we can discuss politics. Will report back.

If you believe in opportunity, opportunity will present itself.

BALLS.

if you believe in pixies

and ~magic~

if you believe in unicorns, unicorns will present themselves

if you believe in BALLS

*believes furiously*

9. A résumé grocery groin that is not even the slightest bit padded.

*sound of no hands clapping*

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.