Best Onion Columnist

Jackie Harvey has made me LOL (literally) a bunch of times, so...

anchower!!! and nabisco totally otm upthread

like for real otm, no meta-joke about 'lol nabisco otm'

'hola dudes, I know it's been a long time since I rapped atcha' - Anchower for the win - (c'mon rally folks - he's such a loser otherwise)...

kornfeld, although i've not looked at the onion in ages.

Smoove's column was like "I Can Please You Better Than This Other Man" or something, and then on the next page Anchower's was like "So I'm Dating This Black Chick," and talking about some dude following them around and ranting about corn being served

HAHAHAHA: fuckin' genius.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

Lone Zwiebel booster here.

Smoove is hurt so bad. You know Smoove is the only columnist who can truly satisfy you.

im glad that jim and jackie won because they could probably be ILX posters

I believe Jean posted here under an assumed name until recently.

i think jean would be 'happy' with her placement

The funny part about the Smoove / Anchower crossover was that it made me realize I imagined them in specific different places, something I'd never actually thought about: I know exactly why I think of Anchower as living in the middle of Illinois, but I was freaked out to have part of my brain go "this is impossible, Smoove lives in Minneapolis!" For years my brain has believed, for zero reason, that Smoove lives in Minneapolis

maybe you think smoove is really Prince

i can assure you smoove does not live in minneapolis!

i always thought smoove lived in chicago, while anchower lived in madison. he's a very midwest small-city kind of burnout.

they both live in the hearts and minds of the world's children

Actually I think I remember the reason: a friend of mine somehow tracked down the source of the Smoove B photo, a press shot for some minor r&b group -- maybe he told me they were from Minneapolis or something.

Later that night, I was sitting at home just trying to figure out what the fuck happened, when the phone rang. ... This guy comes on and says, "Is this Jim Anchower?" Now, usually when someone says that, I hang up and don't answer the phone for the rest of the day, since anyone who uses my last name is some bill collector looking to corner me. But I was a little baked, so I say, "Yeah?"

This guy comes back saying that this girl is nothing but trouble. It took me a while to figure out exactly who he was talking about. It ain't like I got girls crawling all over me, but I ain't even made out with the black chick yet. He told me that if I freaked her doggy-style it would be the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm gonna be straight: Until then, I hadn't thought about how I was going to freak her one way or the other, but no one tells Jim Anchower how not to freak someone.

I would have told him so in so many words, but he kept on talking. He went on and on about how theirs was some kind of unicorn love, that he was a king and I was trying to come between him and his queen and that he was going to make some sort of feast for her and buy all kinds of sheets and pillows. I was waiting to get a word in, but after like 15 minutes of "love her up" this and "do her" that, I started to get a little worked up.

So I hung up on him, and before he could call back, I gave her a call to see if she wanted to go out. ...

Since then, we've gone out a few times. That dude, I guess he's her ex-boyfriend or something, keeps calling me and telling me I about how I shouldn't stand in the way of true love. He usually goes on like that for a minute and then starts wailing and moaning softly and talking about recipes and fabrics and shit.

"No one tells Jim Anchower how not to freak someone"

Even from all the way across the Circuit City parking lot, I could tell he was not right for you. ... I do not mean to be petty, for you know that is beneath me, but I must point out that he was wearing a winter hat in the middle of the summer. What kind of man does this? The summer is a time to dress in light silk finery. It is not a time to bundle up.

i assumed smoove was a chicagoan of a piece with the r kellyness of it, but locating him the same nowheresville suburb as the rest of them makes a lot of sense

I love me a bit of Department Head Rawlings.

i got their atlas, "our stupid world", for christmas. you have no idea how funny it is!

If she hadn't already coined the word, I would've done it for her: she's Fergalicious—half Fergie and half delicious!