'yeah uh my name is actually latte (pause) VAGINA, like that. you say latte and then you pause and yell vagina'
― bosomy English rose (thomp), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:00 (twelve years ago) link
"my name is Costa"
― Kony Montana: "Say hello to my invisible friend" (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:02 (twelve years ago) link
"ipher gott"
― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:04 (twelve years ago) link
Oh FFS. I don't want you to know my name, prickfeatures. In fact, this was the reason before I never went into the Gloria Jean's coffee shops, way before I found out they were run by evangelicals. So yeah, Starbucks, well done, now you sound like a bunch of rabid right-wing over-friendly glassy-eyed cult members.
― emil.y, Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:10 (twelve years ago) link
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/02/24/article-2105882-11DDEE4C000005DC-701_468x711.jpg
― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:12 (twelve years ago) link
http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/static/olympics/images/olympics_juice_label1.jpg
― James Mitchell, Monday, 19 March 2012 15:29 (twelve years ago) link
ffs
― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Monday, 19 March 2012 16:12 (twelve years ago) link
is there a US brand that pulls this kind of stuff?
― goole, Monday, 19 March 2012 16:20 (twelve years ago) link
said it in the thread I think but fuck the assholes who write copy for Groupon gave me a p similar vibe
― Cantera: Vulgar Display Of Puyol (DJ Mencap), Monday, 19 March 2012 18:54 (twelve years ago) link
Kind of related...
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/new-festival-aimed-directly-at-twats-201203285064/
― mmmm, Wednesday, 28 March 2012 20:51 (twelve years ago) link
i like the Daily Mash because it demonstrates exactly how good The Onion's writing is
― red is hungry green is jawless (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 28 March 2012 20:58 (twelve years ago) link
"Tasty Little Numbers" - food for people who can't and won't count!
Packaging for a chocolate bar includes"I NEED DARK CHOCOLATE NOW!"the snacks that take the messin' outta guessin'!"
"If you are super busy, love life and real food (like me!), want to enjoy a healthy lifestyle but think that life is too short to eat diet food and tot up odd numbers of calories (like me!), then Tasty Little Numbers is for you!
... perfectly proportioned to whole numbers of calories so you get to leave the sums to the snacks that take the messin' outta guessin'!"
It even has a "Tasty before" date.
What's annoying me most is the suggestion that odd numbers aren't whole numbers.
― Djibril Citté (onimo), Thursday, 17 May 2012 10:22 (twelve years ago) link
Dammit I demand that calories and other nutritional data are expressed in scientific notation! Or failing that, as base 7 reals with 3 decimals of precision. I'm determined not to have gone through New Math for nothing.
― banal like anal (snoball), Thursday, 17 May 2012 10:36 (twelve years ago) link
Since coming back to the UK I've noticed tons of branding in the supermarkets which has gone all cutesy. I don't know if it's just a contrast with US brands or if they've actually gotten worse but they're all using childish non-threatening fonts and writing all kinds of shit over the front of the packaging (e.g. instead of 'Doughnuts' it says 'I'm a DOUGHNUT monster!'). I blame Innocent.
― kinder, Thursday, 17 May 2012 10:45 (twelve years ago) link
I imagine BrewDog would see themselves as the complete opposite of this kind of thing, but a lot of their cobblers is surprisingly similar:
"Bracken is James' Dad's chocolate lab. He recently appeared on Mastermind and progressed to the semi final with his specialist subject of 'The origins of Constitutional Democratic Government: Europe 1846-1912'. Unfortunately he missed the semi-final because he was busy chasing a stick.
He is our guard dog, head taster, accountant and general buddy! Be sure to say hi if you see him. He is very friendly! Apparently he loves a high-five… and a biscuit!"
― bham, Thursday, 17 May 2012 12:37 (twelve years ago) link
h8 the brewdog blurbs
― jabba hands, Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:07 (twelve years ago) link
everything about brew dog is reprehensible.
― zverotic discourse (jim in glasgow), Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:18 (twelve years ago) link
the pot noodle (i know) im currently eating: "Quality: if it's in perfect condition, happy days, if not, have a moan at the customer care department. And don't forget to quote the code on the pot so we know who to send back to noodle school".
― zverotic discourse (jim in glasgow), Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:22 (twelve years ago) link
KINDLY FUCK OFF.
i quite like the first sentence there, even if the second is terrible
― navihchkan (nakhchivan), Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:28 (twelve years ago) link
"happy days". not on my watch.
― zverotic discourse (jim in glasgow), Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:30 (twelve years ago) link
idk it seems like it's being used sarcastically? assuming that glaswegian pot noodles all speak like malcolm tucker
― navihchkan (nakhchivan), Thursday, 17 May 2012 13:32 (twelve years ago) link
"send back to noodle school" has some potential as a phrase, just not on the side of a pot noodle
― cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 17 May 2012 14:42 (twelve years ago) link
Brewdog's short run taxidermy publicity stunt editions are pretty noize tbf
― cissémanwhore (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 17 May 2012 14:45 (twelve years ago) link
i don't think this kind of thing has really caught on the US yet
― goole, Thursday, 17 May 2012 17:27 (twelve years ago) link
'Happy Days' makes me think of that awful payday-loan-hawking cricket cunt Phil Tuffnell.
― sktsh, Thursday, 17 May 2012 19:05 (twelve years ago) link
My Tesco bagged salad has a skirt-wearing stick figure on the back and a Comic Sans story about some presumably imaginary lady growing their salad garden and all her brilliant ideas for growing better salads and then in bigger Comic Sans it says "we all think she's a bit of a star!"
Well, we all think you can fuck right off, Tesco marketing department.
That is all.
― instant coffee happening between us (a passing spacecadet), Thursday, 17 May 2012 20:54 (twelve years ago) link
Apparently my "call to grubhub may be recorded to ensure awesomeness"
gah
― American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Friday, 18 May 2012 00:28 (twelve years ago) link
flickr using
"Herding pandas..."
to mean "loading stuff" :(
― "What a book!" Terry Bland (onimo), Sunday, 17 June 2012 13:24 (eleven years ago) link
^
yeah somewhere along the line flickr turned into the OK Cola of websites
― brödinger's cat (Pillbox), Sunday, 17 June 2012 16:08 (eleven years ago) link
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/404058_10151168286701204_2127498272_n.jpg
― caek, Wednesday, 8 August 2012 11:48 (eleven years ago) link
Yeesh. I look fwd to them patronising the other gold medal winners with regard to their epic "chasing people on bikes", "running really, really fast" and "shooting pigeons (not real ones!)" etc. Fuckers.
― that mustardless plate (Bill A), Wednesday, 8 August 2012 12:07 (eleven years ago) link
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418813_10151169993736204_265797513_n.jpg
― caek, Wednesday, 8 August 2012 12:25 (eleven years ago) link
wow the stuff they post on facebook
Letitia Jane Becher - as tempting as it would be to spend our days forging adorable letters from small children, we have better things to do with our time. Namely, finding pictures of baby duck billed platypuses to share with you on facebook, and sometimes squashing fruit into bottles, which keeps us pretty busy. Pictures of baby duck billed platypuses don't just find themselves you know, and it takes ages to get even the smallest of mangoes into a bottle.
Ugh.
― Temporarily Famous In The Czech Republic (ShariVari), Wednesday, 8 August 2012 12:35 (eleven years ago) link
this ad is tied into videos at my work, and i have to watch it a lot. god it's shit. bonus points for the ever-popular trustworthy northern narrator.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwtydLeYiDo
― Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 15:59 (eleven years ago) link
Andy Kershaw's probly got a lot of solicitor's fees to pay off tbf
― chow mein kampf (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:00 (eleven years ago) link
(innocent have moved, btw. the industrial estate in W12 (W6?) where Innocent Towers used to be now has a sign on the locked gate saying 'luxury apartments coming soon')
― koogs, Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:07 (eleven years ago) link
xp I thought it was David "Bumble" Lloyd?
― Arvo Pärt Chimp (Neil S), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:20 (eleven years ago) link
i dunno, i was joking. sounds too young for Bumble to me.
― chow mein kampf (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:21 (eleven years ago) link
no, it cd be him on re-listening
― chow mein kampf (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:22 (eleven years ago) link
shd've given the gig to Michael Holding, i wd actually buy anything he asked me to his voice is so lush
― chow mein kampf (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:23 (eleven years ago) link
you heard it here first, vendors of financial products!
― Arvo Pärt Chimp (Neil S), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:31 (eleven years ago) link
I think it is Bumble. Friend of mine was in a pub in Birmingham once where David Lloyd and Bob Dylan Willis were sitting in a pub with some young women (surely daughters or... something) at about half ten in the evening, and Bumble was being cheerful and talkative and Bob Willis was staring gloomily across the table, and then said in his unassuageably dreary tones, 'Do you fancy another, Bumble, or are you done?'. He wouldn't sell many smoothies.
Holding could sell anything for sure, but I'm slightly scarred by the memory of two comments he made during a West Indies/England Test a number of years ago now (could it have been that series where Harmison went berserk?). Anyway, the camera was panning around the all but empty stadium, and Holding's gentle warm accents gave forth the line, 'Not many people here today. Not many people at all. There wouldn't be many casualties if there was a terrorist attack here.' THEN, a bit later or the next day or something, the camera panned over to a boy sitting up a palm tree outside the ground, watching the cricket. A bucolic scene + avoiding any terrorism. Holding goes 'Lad up a tree there. Watching the cricket. Hope he's sitting safe, he could break his neck if he falls out.'
Dark places, Mikey, dark places. Still, yes, would buy a broken neck/large-scale-minimum casualty-terrorist attack off the guy.
― Fizzles, Tuesday, 30 October 2012 20:30 (eleven years ago) link
Mike "Alan Partridge" Holding
― Arvo Pärt Chimp (Neil S), Wednesday, 31 October 2012 13:56 (eleven years ago) link
think we need some recognition of all the dreadful animated adverts for financial products etc full of human/soft-toy hybrids in a pantheistic wonderland
― Nilmar Honorato da Silva, Wednesday, 31 October 2012 14:00 (eleven years ago) link
there really are a lot of these
― Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Wednesday, 31 October 2012 14:02 (eleven years ago) link
i just don't get who they're supposed to be influencing. i can't even remember who the above one is for and i've had to watch it about 100 times.
― Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Wednesday, 31 October 2012 14:03 (eleven years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9yKO-OCAc
― Nilmar Honorato da Silva, Wednesday, 31 October 2012 14:03 (eleven years ago) link
and the recurrent use of 'that's why we' in adverts
homely sounding northerner: nobody likes seeing their child abducted and murdered
{animated child carrying teddybear wanders off into enchanted forest}
homely sounding northerner: that's why we provide child-abduction-and-murder insurance at no extra cost
― Nilmar Honorato da Silva, Wednesday, 31 October 2012 14:11 (eleven years ago) link