Marilyn Haggerty's amazing Olive Garden review and the subsequent viral shitstorm

In fact there was an old lady there who I remember wrote a glowing review of the very ordinary chinese carryout place across the street from the office. But the thing is I had to write complete bullshit all the time, b/c there just wasn't enough going on in the tiny town I covered to fill a paper. I wrote story after story on exactly how many downtown businesses were vacant, whether a sign ordinance would help, the (non) progress of the development and construction of a relatively small mixed use property, a "controversy" over a "historic" flagpole that the town wanted to remove, etc.

My big scoop was that a local beauty salon owner might have *embezzled* a few thousand dollars from a charity haircutting event that she held.

I just wanted to call to tell you how much I enjoyed your Olive Garden review.

Oh, I'm sure you did.

― mizzell, Friday, March 9, 2012 3:44 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

she pretty much pwns him out of the gate with this

haha, you are describing my job exactly. If you were in Union or Essex county it might have even been the same chain of weeklies. xpost

I live in Union County, so yeah, I bet you work for W0rr@ll. I quit one week after I stumbled across the ad section of one of my papers and saw a quarter-page ad from some church, asking its parishioners to come in that Sunday and "pray for an end to the plague of homosexuality."

I think it's totally weird this blew up, but OTOH I grew up reading and eventually working at rural papers, too.

Also a new Olive Garden is huge in a town that hasn't had one in the area. One opened up in Las Cruces right before I moved and there were lines out the door for weeks. No joke. My parents were very proud our hometown finally got an Olive Garden; they made a point of driving near it to point it out (they did the same with the new Carl's Jr., we ate at neither bcz both too expensive for my family).

haha, you are describing my job exactly. If you were in Union or Essex county it might have even been the same chain of weeklies. xpost

I live in Union County, so yeah, I bet you work for W0rr@ll. I quit one week after I stumbled across the ad section of one of my papers and saw a quarter-page ad from some church, asking its parishioners to come in that Sunday and "pray for an end to the plague of homosexuality."

― 誤訳侮辱, Friday, March 9, 2012 5:41 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That is exactly who I worked for, but it was a number of years ago.

At the county weekly I worked for, the first article I wrote was about how someone had driven on the post office lawn. Between that and the photo, it took up half a tabloid-size page. The paper owner had dibs on writing restaurant reviews because those were easy/fun writing compared to reports of a cow blocking traffic or the Rotary Club meeting or the stuff I usually wrote about.

Ah, OK - I misread your post and assumed you were current.

I think the weirdest stories we ran were local coverage (in rural Idaho) of Sept. 11 news like "friend of cousin thought about going to NYC last week; did not die in plane."

haha, the old "local angle on a national story" bit -- the editors were always pushing that

"kids shove plastic Solo cups in school chainlink fence to spell out NEVER FORGET"

There was a little french casual cafe in the town I covered, like an order-at-the-counter place with crepes and quiche and stuff like that, and I was there right when the Iraq war was ramping up, and there started to be a minor phenomenon of assholes driving buy and yelling shit out the window at the place -- "Go back to France" etc. Ironically the owner was a woman from Vietnam who was married to a Vietnam vet. She wouldn't let me write about it though, I guess out of discomfort or slight fear. The one that got away.

kevin hoffman isn't from minnesota btw:

Kevin Hoffman will be the new editor-in-chief of Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages, Village Voice Media announced today.

Hoffman, presently the managing editor of VVM's Cleveland Scene, will take over from departing City Pages editor Steve Perry early next month. Perry announced yesterday that he is leaving the paper to pursue other opportunities.

A 1998 graduate of Washington College in Chestertown, Maryland, Hoffman worked for the Associated Press and the daily Wilkes-Barre Times Leader before receiving his master's degree from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism in May 2001. He briefly worked at the weekly Cleveland Free Times before being hired as a staff writer at Scene in January 2002. He was promoted to the managing editor position at Scene three years later.

During Hoffman's tenure at Scene, the paper took first-place in general excellence in the Missouri Lifestyle Journalism Awards and was named the best weekly in Ohio in numerous state contests. Hoffman himself has won numerous awards for his writing, and his story "Soul of the Brute" was included in Penguin Books' Notes from the Underground; The Most Outrageous Stories from the Alternative Press, published in 2005.

Hoffman, 30, will be in Minneapolis next week to meet City Pages staff. He is married to Erin Hoffman, an attorney specializing in constitutional law.

Kevin Hoffman: yet another thing about Village Voice Media that sucks.

oh my god he sounds like the worst

bleatreader 8 hours ago

Is the city pages that is making fun of this person the same city pages that published a review of a new My Burger, a fast food burger joint, when it opened in calhoun-isles a couple of months ago?

Flag Like ReplyReply Joel 7 hours ago in reply to bleatreader

You mean the review with the stunning insight of: "The chicken sandwich was very well-seasoned; not overloaded with mayo like most chicken sandwiches you find. Even the French fries tasted fresh. Our only complaint was with the onion rings, which didn't really taste very oniony."

oh at first I thought he wrote that review. that would have been much better.

he's now trying to say they were "celebrating her wit" on twitter and not making fun of her

http://bluntcard.com/images/1243460812og.gif

When your badges are "Cleveland Scene" and "Missouri Lifestyle," there isn't much ground to stand on with the OG lady.

Photos I shot in Grand Forks last August:

http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/198765_10150254678891596_681036595_8157387_113781_n.jpg

http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/285496_10150254660526596_681036595_8157258_206086_n.jpg

http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/184022_10150254654821596_681036595_8157181_2440973_n.jpg

the great thign about the original article is how coolly matter-of-fact it is.

something about it was kind of hypnotic.

like you are literally being hypnotized by her

"You watch the waiters in white shirts, ties, black trousers and aprons adorned with gold-colored towels. They are busy at midday, punching in orders and carrying out bread and pasta...."

*goes into trance*

i like her writing!

damn el roco and the bronze boot look way fucking cooler than most bars here in mpls

the great thign about the original article is how coolly matter-of-fact it is.

― A Little Princess btw (s1ocki), Friday, March 9, 2012 11:25 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

for real, i kept thinking "this isn't lolzy, this is some hemingway shit"

fuck the condescension, matter of fact small town old lady wins

They are busy at midday

^^this is the part of the line that really sells it for some reason, i can't quite put it in words

wkiw marilyn

sure but i still wish this was Neil Michael Haggerty's amazing Olive Garden review and the subsequent viral shitstorm

Antony Hegarty's Olive Garden Review
Julie Hagerty's etc.

it felt more proust than hemingway to me

i like her writing!

― art dealin' thru the west coast (tpp), Friday, March 9, 2012 3:29 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

the great thign about the original article is how coolly matter-of-fact it is.

― A Little Princess btw (s1ocki), Friday, March 9, 2012 3:25 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

for real, i kept thinking "this isn't lolzy, this is some hemingway shit"

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, March 9, 2012 3:41 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this this this all this. she's a better writer than he is!

the great thign about the original article is how coolly matter-of-fact it is.

yeah, i'm missing the part where she's oohing and aahing about how great the olive garden is; she just basically says "yup, there's a new olive garden, the waiters wear uniforms, soup warms you up when it's cold."

"and yes - several black olives"

The chicken Alfredo ($10.95) was warm and comforting on a cold day. The portion was generous. My server was ready with Parmesan cheese.

As I ate, I noticed the vases and planters with permanent flower displays on the ledges. There are several dining areas with arched doorways.

she writes in a really self-aware and intentional version of that semi-autistic yelper's style we all made fun of on the yelp thread

Like Robbe-Grillet, but with more of an emotional payoff.

Here's the thing about that: When you write steadily for 40-plus years, you get good at it.

Clowning on the style/content of writing like this: totally cool
Clowning on this particular review with friends/on a message board: fine
Clowning on the review in a professional-level forum: douchey as fuck

It's just one of those core comedy rules: if you're picking on someone who's perceived as having less power than yourself, chances are good that it's gonna come off to a lot of people as bullying.

Possibly because it's bullying.

It is, but the fact that this shit is being published/posted indicates that some people aren't perceiving it as such or just don't care if they are.

Shee-it. I read that review. It seemed perfectly competant and suitable for the town where it took place and the audience it was aimed at. If you don't know anything about middling-small towns, then all that means is you've stumbled across your own ignorance, not that this review was anything odd or weird.

ppl being entertained by the most mundane things, even off the "all time" comedy films thread

I think the horse is dead, Morbs, you can put the stick down.

saw it move

Ta-da:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/13/for-a-professional-midwest-palate-a-first-taste-of-a-dirty-water-dog/?src=tp

She was flummoxed, though, by a bilingual sign on the cart in Arabic and English that said “Halal food.”

“I don’t know what that is,” she said.

The concept was explained.

“I’m Lutheran,” she said, “so that wouldn’t apply to me.”

Ms. Hagerty promised to revisit Mr. Abdelbaky’s cart on her next trip to New York. And she said she was looking forward to dinner at the Times Square location of the Olive Garden on Thursday.

“It will be, shall I say, interesting to see if it’s any different,” she said. “It’s pleasant to dine at the Olive Garden.”

Ok this woman has an awesome sense of humor.

Hell yes.

So now what, a book deal? A food network show? How does this shake out?

I really would be cool with this thread just becoming weeks of mildly parodic tribute posts, like a darkened valley of lifted lighters close to running out of fuel

Seriously fighting to not start cackling out loud at work right now

RIP, thanks for the laughs

When Steve Zimsky visits Happy Burger, he is greeted by smiles. Lots of smiles.

"The employees look genuinely happy to be here," says the 31-year-old Grand Forks native. "I've never seen such an attitude."

That's what Jenna Martin wants to hear. The Happy Burger manager is committed to public service.

The results are obvious. The bathroom fixtures gleam. There are plenty of napkins. The "Caution -- Wet Floor" sign does not interfere with ingress.

*DEAD*

Her writing style reminds me of the old Archie “Arch” Danielson movie reviews in The Onion from the 1990’s. Sadly only a couple are online anymore:

https://theonion.com/the-great-star-wars-nearly-made-me-deaf-because-it-was-1819583305/

https://theonion.com/the-first-wifes-club-had-divorced-women-in-it-1819583252/

Read this quickly as Mariska Hargitay. V confusing 10 seconds there.

The difference between the old Archie “Arch” Danielson movie reviews in The Onion from the 1990’s you linked and Ms. Haggerty's restaurant reviews is the difference between borderline illiteracy and deliberate simplicity.

The wait was long. Maybe a half-hour. But it was on a rainy evening, and I had my mind made up. I wanted lobster.

When I entered the Red Lobster with my daughter, Gail Hagerty (GH), we found a pleasant place to wait and watch the lobsters in the big tank. We actually got tired of watching since they were all cuddled up in a corner — not doing much. I learned later they are in a state of hibernation as they await selection.

― The burrito of ennui (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, December 17, 2017

Lobsters hibernate in their natural habitat of red lobster

George Saunders could never

Their cat scan shows disfiguration,
I wanna laugh myself to death.
In a state of hibernation as they await their selection,
I'll hold the line while they gasp for breath.

If only she could have done a crossover review with the ilxor responsible for the (in)famous Sbarro review

From her 2014 re-visit of the infamous Olive Garden:

Now, I am back to the status of a regular customer. My usual thought at Olive Garden is to have the soup-salad-breadstick lunch. They call is “Zuppe e Insalate.” And for $5.49 you get very good soup and salad combinations along with those wonderful breadsticks.

But I was feeling adventurous. So, I fumbled around with three menu pieces - a menu, a promotion for lighter fare and another titled, “Tastes and Toasts.”

Eventually, from this daytime menu of “Tastes and Toasts,” I ordered two items at $4 apiece - chicken meatballs and parmesan asparagus.

And while I know I should drink more water, it wasn’t long before I decided I needed a diet cola, too.

The thing about Olive Garden is you pretty much know what you will get. The quality of the food is consistent. I often lament the fact there are so few black olives in an Olive Garden salad.

Ahhhhh, so few black olives,
Ohhhhh, so few black olives,
Why, Olive Garden, why?

NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依
@japan_nobunaga
USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

love it

So I have a friend who's Swedish but grew up in the US. Having finished school there he decided to return to Sweden.

One evening, close to the date he was leaving, he came home to find his dad in the kitchen. So he went to him and said hey dad, I'll be leaving soon, I was wondering do you have any advice for me?

Dad's answer? "They don't have refills in Europe".