"Can I say you're my girlfriend on Facebook?"

If it wasnt for the internet I'd probably be a shut in with no friends at all, so.

Yeah, I mean, thank god my wife has lots of friends so I get dragged out of the house now and then.

Yr welcome to come to any CHILX get-togethers we discuss on the thread; I'd like to meet u IRL sometime.

Seconded. Some of us are OK.

It was ridiculously easy to make conversations with total strangers in New Orleans. I don't think Chicagoans are unfriendly, but we have that big city thing of minding our own business and figuring if a stranger Is talking to you, they probably want something. In NOLA I found that you could say Hi to some random person in the street and wind up in a conversation. Not just bc of booze, either.

Yeah, there is definitely a different vibe here when it comes to interacting with strangers.

I just make all my friends through message boards and twitter. Talking to random strangers is no way to live.

JON you have met me. You have friends, you just need to come hang out with us!

Do you mean to say that you have met n/a and LL and other chilxors and missed a bunch of their semi-regular faps and not asked them out to anything and not planned a gathering to reach out to people, and it's been a couple of years that you've been there (at least?), and now you're complaining to the internet that you don't have any friends?

Have you tried...being a friend? Inviting people on planned activities so that it's easy for them to say "yes"?

Sorry, jon, my obvious irritation isn't really directed at you, it's a build-up of every person who has ever cried to me that they don't have any friends when they are resolutely and repeatedly unwilling to BE a friend to anyone else because it's inconvenient for them or they don't see what they would get out of it.

I actually only met LL to pick up a ticket to a Gudied by Voices show, I haven't met any of the other chilxors. And it isn't that I'm unwilling, believe me, my hesitation with the chilxor group in particulat comes from me being really intimidated by being the "third wheel" to a group that obviously knows each other really, really well. I don't think that makes me altogether weird.

And, in larger terms, I am definitely willing to put in the work on my end. A lot of my frustration lately comes from inviting people to do stuff and having them flake out or just not be interested.

my hesitation with the chilxor group in particulat comes from me being really intimidated by being the "third wheel" to a group that obviously knows each other really, really well. I don't think that makes me altogether weird.

Well it makes you not have "any" "friends", so you can either stay that way or get over it and do the chilxors the favor of assuming that they might actually be nice to be around and you might get something out of their company.

Laurel, I know what you mean, and I think in many many ways you are absolutely right, but you do sound quite harsh to someone who's already said they're feeling down about their situation. "Buck up" and "get over it" can be useful tools, but sometimes it's a bit too much.

(I mean, I am totally projecting here - it may be exactly what j/v/c needs, but that sort of thing usually makes me retreat more into my shell.)

If jvc wants to talk about his depression and emotional paralysis that make it hard to meet new people and how he struggles to reach out and is asking for encouragement to stay positive about it or something like that, obviously everyone would be v v supportive, because ilx.

But if he just wants to whine about how building bonds w other people mysteriously turns impossible and you may as well kill yourself after age 30, I feel no obligation to be tender and solicitous.

Oh sorry, he said 35. Still.

But if he just wants to whine about how building bonds w other people mysteriously turns impossible and you may as well kill yourself after age 30

you mean whining about this is a thing people shouldn't do? what am I supposed to do with my life, then?

You've got a few good years left, don't you? You may as well live them up, is what I hear, because it's all gonna be downhill soon.

I don't recall saying anywhere that it turns "mysteriously impossible", just that its been hard. I also said "pack it in" in regards to remaining a hermit, never said anything about killing myself - I think thats Laurel reading things in that weren't there.

But yeah, I suppose this is what I deserve for being earnest about how I'm feeling on the internet. Laurel has never liked me for whatever reason, so I wouldn't expect any kindness or support from her - wishing she would have just stayed out of it tho, rather than chiming in to make me feel even more shitty abt things.

I actually relate to your post a lot JVC. I think that it is quite hard ot meet people once you're of a certain age because many people already have established friend groups that are difficult to penetrate. It's not impossible but I can relate to feeling low about similar things. What Abbott said about joining some kind of activity is a good idea. Are there any sports you like playing or something like that?

Yeah, I'm not really good at sports type stuff but I'm not entirely against that sort of thing either. The trick is finding a recreational style thing where people are just out to have fun. I played in a softball league once, but that was not fun because everyone took it way too seriously.

It is rough. Spiralli and I once joined a kickball team in order to meet new people but it was awful and mostly made up of complete tools. Exactly 0 new friends were made. :/

I think I've tended to shy away from sports leagues mostly because the people I do know that play in them take them very seriously. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of "just for fun" type leagues.

I only relate to ilxors on the site, you weirdos aren't getting anywhere near me in person

lol

You've got a few good years left, don't you? You may as well live them up, is what I hear, because it's all gonna be downhill soon.

― drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Monday, February 27, 2012 10:19 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

You have absorbed the message!

For real Jon, I only mentioned that because I am always going to shows by myself and asking people to go with me, but people rarely take me up on it. That's ok, but I'm not going to let it stop me from seeing things I want to see. We met once to exchange tickets for money, but was I not a decent person? A normal person?

That is a rhetorical q btw. Just wanted to say that I like to go to shows too. And I usually go by myself. And this has not really helped me make any friends. ;)

jvc, I would like to meet you so I hope you do come to a ChILX thing some time! And since there is already one baby on board, we do family friendly things so you could bring the wife and kiddo and everything (dibs on holding the baby), if that's an obstacle.

Trust me guys, any and all apprehension about meeting the chilxor cru is on my self-conscious end and absolutely no judgment at all on you fine people!

Just wanted to say that I like to go to shows too. And I usually go by myself. And this has not really helped me make any friends.

that's only because you're always at the crazy avant improv shows

The all time most obvious example of that was Richard Pinhas. There were probably 20 people there, 2/3 of them lone weirdos (including me.)

I am always going to shows by myself and asking people to go with me, but people rarely take me up on it. That's ok, but I'm not going to let it stop me from seeing things I want to see.

Not that it needs saying but this is totally the right attitude and one I found myself surprisingly capable of holding (probably not very often but still) after doing exactly the same thing last week and having a perfectly nice time. I might prefer go to shows with others and mostly I will but nbd if people aren't interested.

I used to drag anyone I could to shows, now I only bring people if they're actually interested in the music. If it's a show I really care about I don't want to spend it worrying about them.

OTM. I can entertain myself with no problem.

Also tbf a weirdo did come up to me trying to make friends after the Richard Pinhas show, but in doing so he made a facile joke (you can imagine which one) and kinda bungled his chance. I also thought he might be a bit of a creep. I had my coat on and was clearly heading out the door and he stopped me to talk? Who does that.

I haven't done it in ages but I used to really like going to shows by myself. I didn't at first but I got used to it after a point adn sort of preferred it.

when i look back on how my social life formed and grew over the past few years and became pretty active w/various groups of folks, i can kind of easily see how it all came from just a couple of sources. meet one or two people, meet their friends, expand from there. it's not "easy" per se, but it can happen pretty organically especially if you have overlapping interests in which socializing is necessary.

when i moved to l.a. i had two friends, one of whom became a hermit and another who left town for a couple of years, and i was forced to go it on my own. getting married helped if only because it removed the whole aspect and occasional pressure and competition that comes from being single, but i think meeting a couple of people and working from there helped. and l.a., while being a "carefree" town where people like to "party", is a harder place to meet folks than chicago. attitude is crucial of course, if you think it's kind of a chore to meet folks it will be, but if you think it's easy and fun then you will in fact meet a lot of new people. *~~release your mind~~*

i never liked it, myself - but the older i get the more often i'm doing this. i guess it forces me (not really) to talk to people... being single and sort of shy and all.

wow xpost

it = going to shows on me own.

I think I've tended to shy away from sports leagues mostly because the people I do know that play in them take them very seriously. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of "just for fun" type leagues.

I wrote a post this morning and hit Post, but it didn't get posted, and it related to what you said.

I was looking for a social hobby or something so I could make gay friends b/c I've never had a close gay friend (until this past year, but now they're starting to look pretty flaky) so I tried kickball. Elmo A. recommended it as a low-pressure, fun, goof-off sport, but it turned out that Chicago gays take all sports seriously, even gd kickball.

I suck at sports, so it turned out to be a terrible experience. They were sticklers for rules, and they were really competitive. WTF, it's KICKBALL! I got yelled at a lot (by spectators, for such offenses as standing on the base line (I was not, but even if I were, who cares?); my team didn't yell at me, but they clearly pitied me) and I wound up in the ER w/ a serious sprain.

I have considered dodgeball, b/c surely that would be lower-pressure? Or maybe not.

Dude that was our kickball experience too. People go so into it! I have read Elmo's reports on Prov kickball and it sounds much much better but Providence and Boston are pretty different anyway.

I really want to play team sports and I know there are like a million opportunities in nyc but I am v. lazy also

Je55e, join that gay running group.

mookieproof specializes in hockey and basketball, you could ask him, iatee.

Jeff and I once tried to make friends by going contra dancing. It... did not pan out.

I'm more of a soccer person, I like playing basketball but I really suck at it

I love contra dancing! I did not make any friends doing it though. I also failed to make friends going to experimental dance events. Come to think of it, I have failed to make friends doing virtually every activity I've tried. Hooray! Doesn't stop me from trying though.

I strongly recommend doing things you really like doing alone anyway, because it can take a long time for things to work out and show results. When I started taking step-dancing like 10 years ago I wanted to meet cuet guys and make friends, and instead everyone was over the age of 50 except for a really gross man with long greasy hair who lived with his mother and didn't know when to stop staring. Today, some of my best friends are from dance, and it's been immeasurably valuable and fun over the last 10 years. It just takes time.

It helps to be good at the thing you're trying to do. I've yet to find that thing...

I don't how to monetize this but you are ROCKIN' at listening.

cooking? x-p

The thing is:

1. I don't really have many interests or hobbies or whatever. Or abilities.

2. The things I like to do are reading, watching movies, messing around online and w/ computers, and napping, which aren't group fun activities.

Do you like to talk about books and movies?