"Can I say you're my girlfriend on Facebook?"

Just to throw out a suggestion: my social life in Chicago was saved by improv. It might not be a particularly easy thing to do with kids, but I've definitely known people who did it. But once you're in it, it's pretty much a readymade social circle to the extent that you actually want it to be. And (speaking as an introvert who can sometimes tend toward hermitage) it's probably still the best thing I ever did for myself for a number of reasons.

Having some kind of hobby where there is an actual social element is huge. To me this advice was always baffling because my hobbies were always solitary – drawing, going to concerts, buying stupid shit, watching movies, etc. When I started knitting & going to stitch & bitch meetups, I found it v easy to make friends because you all at least have the hobby in common. Anything additional makes for an easy entrance into some quality friendships.

Yep a fair few of my female friends do roller derby. Theyre *obsessive* about the friendships in it, now.

Moving to a new country at 28 was kind of hard because the people who you tend to make friends with tend to also be new transplants or fellow Brits and you feel like you're being a stereotype but sometimes the people who've been here for years already have their social circles set and their own routines and scenes. That said, in both places there are people I've seen socially repeatedly and been 'oh yeah, we should meet up sometime!' and never do, and then people you just click with and start wanting to go to the same bars on the same weekends or whatever - you just put in a fraction more of an effort, I guess.

so otm! i feel bad about NOT feeling bad that i haven't made many friends since moving here when i was (also) 28. and my BFF here is british! we bonded over shared immigration hassles. i kind of don't really care about making new friends bc i still have lots of old ones, it's just that they don't live within a visiting radius of me. i like spending lots of time on my own, i like spending lots of time with just my husband, i like spending time skyping with old friends. i don't like spending time vetting potential new friends to make sure they won't be needy and demand i meet social requirements and guilt-trip me when i don't feel like it.

i actually think i'd put more effort into making friends if had kids.

I got really bummed about 5 years after moving that I didn't have many friends, that my circle of OG Australian friends were so far away from me. But one of my good friends put it in perspective: it took me 25 years to build the circle of friends I had back home...it's going to take time to build a good circle of friends in a new country. So I've got a couple of pretty good, cool friends and I'm okay with that now.

The hardest thing was that the friends I picked turned out to be the flakiest people in the world. And eventually I had to say, "Look, I don't think you understand that when we arrange to go out and you don't show up, I take that personally. Making friends is fucking hard, and it's soul crushing to think that people who are enthusiastic about hanging out suddenly are changing their minds at the last minute. So please, please PLEASE for the love of god, do not arrange to do anything unless you mean it." And from then on we were cool.

hey jon, here's some good news/bad news -- now that you're a parent you can look forward to making friends with all your kid's friend's parents when they start going to school!

p sure I would be v terrible at improv and roller derby lol

Whats sort of ironic in this whole thing is that when I was in Austin for 2 days for work, I met like 4 really cool people that wanted me to stick around to hang out. Its like, wait, I can meet new people in 2 days in Austin, but nobody in Chicago over multiple years? Maybe Austin bros are just v chill and Chicagoans are antisocial as hell.

Yr welcome to come to any CHILX get-togethers we discuss on the thread; I'd like to meet u IRL sometime.

xpost

Yeah, Chicagoans have a tendency to nest. My Chicago circles pretty much consist of people I knew before I lived there and improv peeps.

If you learned to knit you would really be the darling of the knitting circle (as a str8 man even if married).

n/a yeah, thanks, I need to come to one that works and soon

Yeah, its hard to generalize cities, but one of the guys I met in Austin complimented me on my Nachtmystium t-shirt and we struck up a convo for like 25 minutes. On the other hand, I saw a guy in Reckless here a couple weeks ago with a Ghost t-shirt. It was a couple days after their show here so I asked if he'd seen them and just got a frown and grunt in return.

improv ppl. brrrrrr.

I am only saying "knitting group" bcz I have no idea what the "male" version of stitch & bitch is; I try not to think of it as a gendered activity but YOU KNOW. In my mind it's slot car racing.

It sucks making friends in a new town; there are flakes and crazoids in every hamlet and it seems like some of them are always around to start you off with a bad impression. However, there are also awesome people of all demographics. I don't see why friend making would end at any age; it's not like you stop needing friends after Jesus age.

Mordy, I didn't have the highest opinion of improv until I started doing it and met some of the best and kindest people I know.

I've been seriously thinking about learning to knit so's I could have something to do while doing otherwise unconstructive stuff like watching tv for hours.

If it wasnt for the internet I'd probably be a shut in with no friends at all, so.

Yeah, I mean, thank god my wife has lots of friends so I get dragged out of the house now and then.

Yr welcome to come to any CHILX get-togethers we discuss on the thread; I'd like to meet u IRL sometime.

Seconded. Some of us are OK.

It was ridiculously easy to make conversations with total strangers in New Orleans. I don't think Chicagoans are unfriendly, but we have that big city thing of minding our own business and figuring if a stranger Is talking to you, they probably want something. In NOLA I found that you could say Hi to some random person in the street and wind up in a conversation. Not just bc of booze, either.

Yeah, there is definitely a different vibe here when it comes to interacting with strangers.

I just make all my friends through message boards and twitter. Talking to random strangers is no way to live.

JON you have met me. You have friends, you just need to come hang out with us!

Do you mean to say that you have met n/a and LL and other chilxors and missed a bunch of their semi-regular faps and not asked them out to anything and not planned a gathering to reach out to people, and it's been a couple of years that you've been there (at least?), and now you're complaining to the internet that you don't have any friends?

Have you tried...being a friend? Inviting people on planned activities so that it's easy for them to say "yes"?

Sorry, jon, my obvious irritation isn't really directed at you, it's a build-up of every person who has ever cried to me that they don't have any friends when they are resolutely and repeatedly unwilling to BE a friend to anyone else because it's inconvenient for them or they don't see what they would get out of it.

I actually only met LL to pick up a ticket to a Gudied by Voices show, I haven't met any of the other chilxors. And it isn't that I'm unwilling, believe me, my hesitation with the chilxor group in particulat comes from me being really intimidated by being the "third wheel" to a group that obviously knows each other really, really well. I don't think that makes me altogether weird.

And, in larger terms, I am definitely willing to put in the work on my end. A lot of my frustration lately comes from inviting people to do stuff and having them flake out or just not be interested.

my hesitation with the chilxor group in particulat comes from me being really intimidated by being the "third wheel" to a group that obviously knows each other really, really well. I don't think that makes me altogether weird.

Well it makes you not have "any" "friends", so you can either stay that way or get over it and do the chilxors the favor of assuming that they might actually be nice to be around and you might get something out of their company.

Laurel, I know what you mean, and I think in many many ways you are absolutely right, but you do sound quite harsh to someone who's already said they're feeling down about their situation. "Buck up" and "get over it" can be useful tools, but sometimes it's a bit too much.

(I mean, I am totally projecting here - it may be exactly what j/v/c needs, but that sort of thing usually makes me retreat more into my shell.)

If jvc wants to talk about his depression and emotional paralysis that make it hard to meet new people and how he struggles to reach out and is asking for encouragement to stay positive about it or something like that, obviously everyone would be v v supportive, because ilx.

But if he just wants to whine about how building bonds w other people mysteriously turns impossible and you may as well kill yourself after age 30, I feel no obligation to be tender and solicitous.

Oh sorry, he said 35. Still.

But if he just wants to whine about how building bonds w other people mysteriously turns impossible and you may as well kill yourself after age 30

you mean whining about this is a thing people shouldn't do? what am I supposed to do with my life, then?

You've got a few good years left, don't you? You may as well live them up, is what I hear, because it's all gonna be downhill soon.

I don't recall saying anywhere that it turns "mysteriously impossible", just that its been hard. I also said "pack it in" in regards to remaining a hermit, never said anything about killing myself - I think thats Laurel reading things in that weren't there.

But yeah, I suppose this is what I deserve for being earnest about how I'm feeling on the internet. Laurel has never liked me for whatever reason, so I wouldn't expect any kindness or support from her - wishing she would have just stayed out of it tho, rather than chiming in to make me feel even more shitty abt things.

I actually relate to your post a lot JVC. I think that it is quite hard ot meet people once you're of a certain age because many people already have established friend groups that are difficult to penetrate. It's not impossible but I can relate to feeling low about similar things. What Abbott said about joining some kind of activity is a good idea. Are there any sports you like playing or something like that?

Yeah, I'm not really good at sports type stuff but I'm not entirely against that sort of thing either. The trick is finding a recreational style thing where people are just out to have fun. I played in a softball league once, but that was not fun because everyone took it way too seriously.

It is rough. Spiralli and I once joined a kickball team in order to meet new people but it was awful and mostly made up of complete tools. Exactly 0 new friends were made. :/

I think I've tended to shy away from sports leagues mostly because the people I do know that play in them take them very seriously. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of "just for fun" type leagues.

I only relate to ilxors on the site, you weirdos aren't getting anywhere near me in person

lol

You've got a few good years left, don't you? You may as well live them up, is what I hear, because it's all gonna be downhill soon.

― drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Monday, February 27, 2012 10:19 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

You have absorbed the message!

For real Jon, I only mentioned that because I am always going to shows by myself and asking people to go with me, but people rarely take me up on it. That's ok, but I'm not going to let it stop me from seeing things I want to see. We met once to exchange tickets for money, but was I not a decent person? A normal person?

That is a rhetorical q btw. Just wanted to say that I like to go to shows too. And I usually go by myself. And this has not really helped me make any friends. ;)

jvc, I would like to meet you so I hope you do come to a ChILX thing some time! And since there is already one baby on board, we do family friendly things so you could bring the wife and kiddo and everything (dibs on holding the baby), if that's an obstacle.

Trust me guys, any and all apprehension about meeting the chilxor cru is on my self-conscious end and absolutely no judgment at all on you fine people!

Just wanted to say that I like to go to shows too. And I usually go by myself. And this has not really helped me make any friends.

that's only because you're always at the crazy avant improv shows

The all time most obvious example of that was Richard Pinhas. There were probably 20 people there, 2/3 of them lone weirdos (including me.)

I am always going to shows by myself and asking people to go with me, but people rarely take me up on it. That's ok, but I'm not going to let it stop me from seeing things I want to see.

Not that it needs saying but this is totally the right attitude and one I found myself surprisingly capable of holding (probably not very often but still) after doing exactly the same thing last week and having a perfectly nice time. I might prefer go to shows with others and mostly I will but nbd if people aren't interested.

I used to drag anyone I could to shows, now I only bring people if they're actually interested in the music. If it's a show I really care about I don't want to spend it worrying about them.

OTM. I can entertain myself with no problem.

Also tbf a weirdo did come up to me trying to make friends after the Richard Pinhas show, but in doing so he made a facile joke (you can imagine which one) and kinda bungled his chance. I also thought he might be a bit of a creep. I had my coat on and was clearly heading out the door and he stopped me to talk? Who does that.

I haven't done it in ages but I used to really like going to shows by myself. I didn't at first but I got used to it after a point adn sort of preferred it.