things your mom said forever

Whenever I said I felt sick, she would feel my forehead and pronounce: "Cool as a cucumber!"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGHT THOUGHT (in response to saying, upon getting in trouble, "but i thought..."). i still don't know what thought, thought.

you sound like a herd of baby elephants (walking too loudly around the house)

were you born in a tent?? (not closing the door after myself)

children should be seen and not heard (i feel like i heard that every day of my childhood)

(upon making a face) better be careful the wind doesn't change or your face will stay like that

if you ask, you won't get

don't get pregnant!

waste not want not

took me about 20 years to figure out what that one meant.

"but he started it" "well you carried on with it!"

you're not getting down from the table until you eat everything on your plate (she meant it, too)

there are children starving in ethiopia, so just be grateful you have anything to eat (it was always ethiopia)

"Why do you think COATHANGERS were invented?" (when I threw my coat in a corner or on the floor)

"I'm going to have to phone your school! They are making you way too smart for your own good" (when being a smartass)

"Because I say so!"

a lot of you have very poetic moms

"Funny how? Like I'm a clown, like I'm here to amuse you? Tell me--what the fuck is so funny about me?"

We all miss mom.

an exaggerated sassy "thank you!" when someone says something she considers particularly OTM

fight, ya buggers, fight!

Whenever anyone said " I don't care"...
"don't care was made to care, and made to care was hung"
Sometimes she'd sing it (badly) and add the next bit, " made to care was put in prison, made to hold his tongue"
Which makes no sense now I think about it .

a lot of you have very poetic moms

Jenny kissed me, when we met
Jumping from the chair she sat in.
Time, you thief, who love to get
sweets into your list, put that in.
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
say that health and wealth have missed me.
Say I'm growing old--but add
Jenny kissed me.

True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare
False friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.

Recited all the time. ALL the time.

Don't be sorry, be sensible.

Nicole, I have been internally chortling all day at yours from v early on: "I should never have had children."

Mine would say, "There's no point in crying over spilled milk" and then tell the story of the day when her own mother, who had 5 kids, was alerted to one spilled glass of milk too many while trying to serve lunch, and instead of losing her temper she put all the kids in their coats and into their red wagon and walked around the block several times, pulling them behind her, until she cooled off.

She still says that every once in awhile! My favorite one is this:

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

Who says this? She always used to say this if I was asking for a comic book or doll or something she wasn't going to get for me, and it still sounds like one of the strangest ways of telling a child no. xp

'What's fir ye will no go by ye'

"Save your pennies."

"Patience is a virtue."

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

My grandmother prefers the more prosaic "Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I know this is moms, not grandmothers, but my grandmother is my mom's mother so I'll share a couple more of her good ones:

You're like a fart in a storm. (If someone is being restless.)
She's like a goat: hard head, stinkin' ass.
Your eyes look like two holes pissed in the snow. (If someone looks tired.)
Go shit in your hat and pull it over your ears.
He's too dumb to pour piss out of a boot.

Also my grandmother called farting either "shooting rabbits" or "shooting Indians." :(

If my Grandfather ever heard the time mentioned on the radio or TV he would repeat the time and say 'Seven O'clock and all's well, an Irishman drowned in the Clyde' where the fuck that comes from I'll never know.

"Want in one hand, spit in the other and see which fills up the fastest."

A whole bunch of the older farmer types I knew from the small town I lived in in high school said this, except it was "shit" in the other.

"You look like the Wild Man From Borneo" (hairstyle disapproval)
"This house/room looks like a cyclone hit it" (obvious)

that woman looks like mutton dressed up as lamb

Haha both my parents used the "wild man of borneo" one more than a few times!

<3 carl agatha's grandmother

over the last decade my mum has heavily used

Bollocky-boo

instead of shit or dang or what have you

Mine always says "BUGGERATION!"

(she doesnt swear at all, that aside, so if she ever utters "shit" you know she is VERY UPSET)

Nicole, I have been internally chortling all day at yours from v early on: "I should never have had children."

― drawn to them like a moth toward a spanakopita (Laurel), Friday, February 17, 2012 4:15 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is how i read my mother's urgent "i love you! don't get pregnant!" sign off to ever phone conversation i have ever had with her.

"Let's don't and say we did."

"take that pirate hat off at the dinner table"

My mom will always opine that the sex scene in a movie was "unnecessary".

haha my mom does the same thing -- "it's not that I have a problem with nudity in movies, I just thought it was gratuitous in that case." This is in every case.

When instead of 'you two' or 'you all' etc my brother and I would say 'youse' my mother would replay 'Ewes are the sheep in the street baa baa'

Also calling a woman 'she' rather than by her name my mother would say 'She is the cats mother'

I still have no clue what this means

To me in particular "My our cat has a long tail"

As a teen I collected every issue of every fashion and music magazine that came out. I would pile these on bookshelves, under my bed, stacked around the room. My mother would say 'I've told you paper attracts rats. THIS ROOM IS A RATS NEST! MY DAUGHTER LIVES IN A RATS NEST!! ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF??? A RAT'S NEST!!!!!'

totally proud btw

She is the cats mother --- all the time
Waste not want not

i went to stay with a good friend of mine at his parents house in Byron Bay (east coast hippie bullshit town in australia). We were watching some romantic comedy type thing one night. When the actors finally started kissing my friend's father leapt out of his chair, turned to us, and asked in a very loud voice 'Coffee? Tea? Bonox? Anyone?' and then scurried off to the kitchen for the next 20 minutes. I came to realize that any movie we watched where there was anything from kissing to nude scenes to sex he would always do this. "Coffee? Tea? Bonox??". Def the best part of every movie I watched on the vacation.

I have the weirdest bonox

"Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace."

"You can't go out dressed like that!"

and when she's upset, she just says, "Daaaaaammmmmmnnn". Like really drawn out, which is weird, because she grew up in a Polish section of Philadelphia in the 50s and 60s.

'stop showing off'

Bonox is... beef extract that you drink? Do people often request a Bonox beef drink over coffee or tea?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGhno2noppc

Who am I kidding, I would probably love that stuff.