things your mom said forever

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."
"The dogs won't lick your blood."
"...even in a joke", as in "don't tell people to shut up, even in a joke," or "don't slap your brother, even in a joke."
"If you're not going to do it with a good heart, don't do it at all," (to which my response was always "fine, I won't do it at all, then").
"I didn't ask you how you were, I asked you if you wanted a drink."
"I like Helen Mirren but I don't like Faye Dunaway," (you'd be surprised how often this comes up).

If you can't say a nice thing don't say anything at all

My mum is French, so there was the odd mis-translation:

- When my sister was an infant my Mum took her home from the doctor's who had told her she had "cradle crap"
- If I'd lost something and she found it for me, she'd say "What is this, chicken?"
- Although now a very good English speaker, she still has difficulty with the consonant clusters in "strength" and "length", which end up as "strench" and "lench", which used to confuse me loads.

"Drive carefully"--last thing she always said when you headed home from a visit. It was so automatic, she even said it to me once just before I hung up the phone.

- "we'll all be rooned, said hanrahan"
- "it's where you left it"
- "if you cant remember what you wanted to tell me it can't have been very important"

"You have a CHOICE"

Which then leads to a massive door-slamming row about Agency vs Structure, but that's what happens when your mum has too many degrees from Yale and you're a high school dropout.

Douglas Douglas, strong and able, keep your elbows off the table.

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."

Ah, nostalgia for a phrase I never heard.

stink 'em stank 'em, bee bow buck

- "if you cant remember what you wanted to tell me it can't have been very important"

YES!

a cat may look at a king.

Look it up.

"he doesn't know if it's Tuesday or oranges"

"you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl"

iirc she inherited both of these from her mother, I have never heard either anywhere else ever

second one comes up in autocomplete tho fwiw

"Tuppence ha'penny looking down on tuppence."

this phrase is amazing

mainly because i like the idea of an alternative to 'narcissism of small differences'

Please use "you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl" in context. Is there a context?

"oh dear"
"well, well, well –– three holes in the ground"

get your elbows off the table

―demolition with discretion (m coleman), Thursday, February 16, 2012
10:08 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Erica Erica willing and able get your elbows off the table.

Lol I hadn't seen beachville's post.

Don't be a goop.

Laurel will get that one.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sweet but v v loaded.

Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap!

Please use "you'd laugh to see a pudding crawl" in context. Is there a context?

― trishyb, Friday, 17 February 2012 13:24 (26 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

supposing you were reading an excelsior thread and noticed that there was a poster submitting lols there about every five posts, many of which weren't that funny, and you felt you needed to say something

that is what you would say to them

- Put your hat on!/Are you wearing a hat? (probably not)
- We're not heating the outdoors! (why is it hard for kids to close doors)
- elbows off the table! sit up straight! (ugh)
- no fighting! (fighting!)
- i love you (i love you too...)

over the last decade my mom has heavily used

ISH!

instead of shit or dang or what have you

something about the way it sounds makes the hair on the back of my neck standup

i should shave that hair btw

"If you're cold, put on a sweater."

"If you're cold, put on a sweater."

― getting good with gulags (beachville), Friday, February 17, 2012 8:54 AM (25 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Mom otm about the sweater

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(Catholic Mom 3-alarm fire)

Correcting my grammar any time I said "me and _____" instead of "______ and I". Continues to this day.

If you're cold, move around.

If you're bored, go outside and play.

In response to toddler tears: You must be tired. You should go to bed.

You get more with sugar than vinegar.

xp Even when "me and ____" was correct? That hypercorrection has much to answer for.

In response to "What's for dinner?": "What are you making?"

I don't know in which cases "me and _____" would be correct. My mom probably does though. I'm just talking about the general "Me and Mikey are going to the park." "Mikey and I!"

that is what you would say to them

Certainly is now.

"Who's she, the cat's mother?" Because you said "she" instead of the person's name.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(Catholic Mom 3-alarm fire)

Sometimes can be "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the holy donkey!" when the mood's right.

xp:emphasis hers

"Jesus, Mary and Josephine!"

Yeah, "You'll catch more flies with honey" was a big one at our house, too.

Also a lot of bible verses tbh.

In response to "What's for dinner?": "What are you making?"

Looool. At our house this was:

"What's for dinner?"
"Food."
(very put out) "What KIND of food???"
"The edible kind."
"MOOOOOM! What KIND of edible food?"
"The kind I'm making."
...&tc

Also if you asked too many questions or stayed in the kitchen, she'd make you wash something.

Jesus, I have started having that exchange with my son at dinner time.

"Make yourself useful, and not just ornamental."

"Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugliness goes all the way to the bone."

The reason I get defensive is that I know he's asking because he know whether it's something he can complain about.

My mom's favorite of-the-moment profanity, inherited from my grandmother, was "Shit fire and save the matches."

Why do you think she wouldn't tell us it was "camper stew"?

They should put her on a boat and sink it.

(said of whatever pop singers were pissing her off at the time: Madonna, Sinead etc)

"Who's she, the cat's mother?" Because you said "she" instead of the person's name.

Yep!

I don't know in which cases "me and _____" would be correct.

Same cases where you'd say just "me" if "_____" wasn't present. "The teacher asked me and _____ to stay behind after school." Basically everyone on TV now says "_____ and I" in every single case. I try not to be a grammar pedant but at least here I can lay the blame on (incorrect) grammar pedants themselves.

"The job's not done until the tools are put away."

"I'm not yelling. You'll KNOW when I yell!"

"It's toilet time" sung in the tune of "It's Twilight Time", literally every night when I was getting ready for bed until I was about 12.

absolutely loving remy bean's "bowl of nice greens" story. it's like a scene from a low-octane edward albee play.

Also 'Your mother wears army boots' in response to grumbling from children...which I never understood and omg, a quick google tells me it basically means 'your mother is a whore'. I am positive she doesn't know this.

Save for a rainy day

Will wonders never cease!

you need a gratitude attitude

xps to discussion of momma wearing combat boots:

whoa! I had just thought it was a criticism of your mom's femininity. Like, she's doing what is perceived as a perceived man's job/she's butch. It sounds like your mother thought it meant she was really tough! I think I remember seeing the phrase in newspaper comic strips from the 70s or 80s (Bloom County? Doonesbury?).

A bored person is a boring person

A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Waste not, want not.

When we were leaving somewhere to go back home: Home James, and don't spare the horses

don't get pregnant!

― horseshoe, Friday, February 17, 2012 11:59 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

Whenever one of her teenaged daughters was leaving on a date:

"Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful."

Ha, my dad's dad-joke was "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful. And if you can't be careful, name it after me in 9 months."

lol

haha

"bit goes in a horse's mouth" apparently on the basis that you should use more specific language when referring to nebulously defined small quantities. ach this is absurd. I'm still annoyed.

"unzip a banana" from an ad campaign of her youth and irritatingly deployed at the slightest hint of bananas.

"I'm going to bang your silly heads together" usually directed at my twin brothers but sometimes all of us. usually in a tone of actual belligerence rather than a phatic expression of irritation.

"going to!" used if me or my brothers even gestured towards saying "gonna". also absurd, and get still the voice rings in my ears. my mum was and is a colossal snob, like her high church but lower middle mum before her. they ran a minor cottage industry in forging shibboleths that enabled them to claim superiority over those they were in competition with. this has disintegrated into straight misanthropy now for my mum.

When my mom was genuinely angry at us she would say: "I'm so angry I can't see straight!"

Or else she would channel her anger into the mock threat: "I'll shoot you! I'll shoot you and then boil you in oil!"

you hide and watch

did anyone's use Livia Soprano's "Poor you"?

"you don't have to like it, you just have to eat it"

my bf says that when he would say that he was thirsty, his mother would reply in the imperative: "Drink your spit!"

Oh ha yes, "there's water in the tap" was my mum's response to thirst.

My mum also did "I'm going to bang your heads together" if we were arguing. Also "One of you kids is going to end up crying!" if we were getting overexcited/rough.

xps to discussion of momma wearing combat boots:

whoa! I had just thought it was a criticism of your mom's femininity. Like, she's doing what is perceived as a perceived man's job/she's butch. It sounds like your mother thought it meant she was really tough! I think I remember seeing the phrase in newspaper comic strips from the 70s or 80s (Bloom County? Doonesbury?).

― how's life, Tuesday, July 15, 2014 3:44 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

It's something to do with hookers in the war...in any case mum uses it (always jokingly) when someone (always a child) is whining or protesting or generally being saucy. I always thought it was a weird thing for a mother to say to her own kid. But as I say, I guarantee she doesn't know its origins.

something to do with hookers in the war

I seem to recall the "aaaah, yer mother wears army boots" line in the mouths of 'tough street kids' in 30s Warner Bros movies, so the war in question could go back a while.

I just got the Mom-est email from my Mom:

We can no longer get our TV upstairs in our bedroom to change channels. It seems that it will forever be stuck on the Weather Channel. I like to listen to the news in the morning while I get ready, but I have had to make do with only weather related news and highlights provided by MSNBC. I am telling you this because I can now pretty much tell you what the weather will be all over the continental US (and sometimes in Alaska and Hawaii).

<3 Mom

when I lived at home if I dared open the fridge after midnight (even if mom was asleep and I planned to clean up afterwards) she'd get up and yell "I'M SICK OF YOU ACTING LIKE THIS IS AN ALL NIGHT DINER".

though tbh that's cos there were many nights we didn't clean up and left messy dishes in the sink and crumbs everywhere