vadge horror stories

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When you partake in lots of hard sex
Those lips need more than just some Carmex
If you need some extra clout
Here's what'll wash Old Faithful out:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude, I think the meaty fins one made me ill.

Keep it up!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Has your "little man in boat"
Started smelling like a goat?
And fellas!
Has your dangling scrote
Acquired a hairy asscrumb coat?
Time to freshen up; please note
I can sing it out by rote:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Someone shoulda
told her soona
You can tune a piano but
Don't pee on the tuna
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Here, please let me set the scene
for perfect feminine hygiene
for to keep that cooter clean
and polished to a glossy sheen
the bum, the belly, and all between:
the supple folds, the nubby bean,
the stuff that boys all find so keen
(and certain girls, know what i mean?)
It's good for more than just for peein',
He'll skip the ABC and stick the D in
Treat that whore just like a Queen
Disinfect from thigh to spleen
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I have found a perfect salve
For a lady's sour bivalve.
A wondrous cure for all the dusky
funk upon a fuzzy mollusk-y.
Grant me please this single wish:
It makes no sense to be shellfish.
Don't cloister that oyster!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:08 (twenty-one years ago)

It's no use to feign apathy
About the state of your baby factory.
Just one whiff of that whippersnapper
Could force a prayer in front of the crapper.
I don't mean this as a dig,
but put some lipstick on that pig
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Necessary pudend... I mean addendum.

"I love women, you know? I mean, my mother's a woman and so is my wife. So I've learned to love them."
-Bill Cosby

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (twenty-one years ago)

This is, by the way, probably the most productive thing I've done all day.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I salute you.

― ()ops (()()ps), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Got the spirit? Heaven Blessed?
Put your hygiene to the test
Time to test out holy powers
The Pope John Paul of pussy showers
We swear that it'll be your saviour
When lavished all up in your labia
For a holy hole all full of zest
The Passion of the Snapper's best
LYSOL DOUCHE (kosher certified)

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:33 (twenty-one years ago)

just like corn
you'd best remember
canned is good
but fresh is better
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw the best cunts of my generation destroyed by vaginal odor, stinking hysterical naked dragging themselves through the suburban streets at dawn looking for a glorious fix of
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:38 (twenty-one years ago)

"This Is Just To Say"

i would have eaten
the vag
that was in
your panties

but when I saw
you were probably
storing
nachos in there

forgive me
I was so nauseous
so putrid
and clammy.

LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:43 (twenty-one years ago)

He went down
and got offenda?
Give your man
a CLEAN pudenda!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

He's loving, tender,
And worth a deuce -
Don't make him drink
Tobacco juice!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:42 (twenty-one years ago)

(That first line of the last one don't scan right; I apologize)

Dirty pillows
Are OK
If you stir
Your curds & whey
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:48 (twenty-one years ago)

He left you
A Cleveland Steamer
But your clam
Was even meaner!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
Your smoo don't seep
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:51 (twenty-one years ago)

OK, one more, because I just saw that DH recursion pic:

Does your lover
Gag and cough
Because you stink
Of Hasselhoff?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I am pleased to see that my revive was welcomed so.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I taste a liquor never brewed -
In Boats helmed by a Pearl -
Not all the Twats upon the Rhine
Yield such an Eau de Girl!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 08:55 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons -
That oppresses, like the Whiff
Of infected Poons -
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 08:59 (twenty-one years ago)

A narrow Fellow near the Ass
Occasionally rides -
You may have smelt Him - did you not
His notice sudden is -

The Ass divides as with a Comb -
(A drooping shaft is seen) -
And then it drips down at your feet
And oozes further on -

He likes a Boggy Acre
A Floor too cool for Corn -
Yet when a Boy, and Barefoot -
I more than once at Noon
Have passed, I thought, a Catfish
Eroding in the Sun
When stooping to secure it
It scurried, and was gone -

Several of Venus' Critters
I know, and they know me -
I feel for them a transport
Of Cordiality -

Yet never met this Fellow
Attended, or alone
Without a tighter breathing
And Zero urge to Bone -
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by vadges

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 23 January 2005 11:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Some time ago someone I used to have casual sex with informed me, in bed, that my, er, "lingam" was actually too big for her "yoni". Yes, those were her exact words. You can imagine that this was a turn-off in more than one way. We haven't had sex ever since.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, I think this is the perfect thread to remind you of what is probably the most classic exchange of words ever on ILE:

I'm 35 and I only learned how to give good head three days ago. The trick is to alternate between smacking the clitoris around and ignoring it for long stretches - like a cop breaking the spirit of a prisoner who's just killed his best mate. I learned it from a magazine article - written by a man who knew what he was talking about. Cosmopolitan has never been any bloody help.

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), June 7th, 2003 8:34 PM. (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

u&k re technique finesse: has the prisoner killed the cop's best mate or his own best mate?

-- mark s (mar...), June 7th, 2003 9:07 PM. (later)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Douglas Wolk, you are the Norton Anthology of Vadge Poetry.

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 16:50 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a Google query for ya!

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Ha, damn, I just saw that I was beat to the Hasselhoff Douche. Damn you!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Holy hell
what's the smell
in your little green vag

did you poo
in your smoo
how could you not knew?

Such a stink
and I think
a chink in my ardor

Scrub it out
I really doubt
I could get less harder
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:20 (twenty-one years ago)

All of her lovers
all talk of her stench
and the perfume that covered her scent
And isn't she easy
And isn't she
Pretty in stink
The one who insists
he was first in the line
is the last to recover his sense
He's walking around
in a daze like a drunk
She is gone but the stench remains
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Now I gotta turn off Winamp or I'm never gonna get any work done.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Yer killin' me Douglas/Tep.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Grant your man
One simple wish
Extradite
That stonk of fish
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 24 January 2005 01:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Four & twenty blackbirds
Baked in your pie?
It's time to let
Those feathers fly!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:06 (twenty-one years ago)

It's the fact that Jon back in the pre-pickle bar days found the image that started it all which also makes this thread what it is.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Not to mention the fact that he didn't derail the thread with 6893 animated .gif's of purple dancing vadges.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:14 (twenty-one years ago)

vadge horror stories (69 new answers, last at 5:11 pm)

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, let me just say that Tep's Psych Furs variation there is of the gods.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I ONCE FORGOT MY TAMPON AND I LEFT IT IN SO LONG THAT A RAYON TREE GREW OUT OF MY VAGINA!!!!

― ade (Adrian Langston), Monday, 24 January 2005 09:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that you would rinse your 'gine
But I know
That this time
I have smelled too much
It's too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it up with Old Spice
I try to laugh about it
Wiping the tears from my eyes
'Cause boy, that's ripe!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 24 January 2005 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Standing by the bed
Aerosol in my hand
Staring at the walls
Staring at the sand
Staring at the pussy
From which smelliness abounds
I can see its perky lips
But the odor? ZOUNDS!
I'm alive
I'm dead
I am the stranger
Douching a pussy
LYSOL DOUCHE

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 24 January 2005 15:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I would rather not go
Back to the rot twat
There's too many
Bad memories there
Too many memories
There....
There....
There....
LYSOL DOUCHE

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 24 January 2005 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

I love you.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 24 January 2005 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

My knees on the ground
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
My mouth on your mound, you smell like the Sound
And you're hungry like the wolf
You straddle my face, and give me a taste,
I'm lost in a cunt that smells like smoo
It's like it's alive, oh please let me die,
but you're still hungry like the wolf
... LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 24 January 2005 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Got me a douche and
I want you to know
Clean up your cooter
I want you to know
Girl you're so groovy
I want you to know
I just can't eat you
you smell like un
chien andalusia
smell like un
chien andalusia
smell like un
chien andalusia
smell like an un
chien andalusia
LYSOL DOUCHE
AHAHAHO

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 24 January 2005 23:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Not for all the tea in China
not if you could sing like a bird
not for all North Carolina
not for all your little words
Not for seven million bucks
and a lifetime of fried chicken
You'll have to settle for the fucks
(just settle for the fucks)
you are not so finger-lickin
Now that you've made me want to die
You tell me that you're unboyfriendable
And I should really run away
(run away oh run away)
But as I do let me just say:
LYSOL DOUCHE

Okay, okay, I'm done. It's, uh, dinner time.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 24 January 2005 23:24 (twenty-one years ago)

You love it and you know you do.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 24 January 2005 23:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Alice in her party dress
would-be suitors skulk away
needs to freshen up a bit
before she starts attracting strays
Lysol douche will do the trick
brisk as cool spring rains that fall she'll
spray it where the sun don't shine per-
-haps she ought to use it all to-dayayayayayay

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Tuesday, 25 January 2005 00:44 (twenty-one years ago)

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