My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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These are the best stories ever, and I'm laughing as hard now as I was in the van on Sunday, Matos.

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:31 (twenty-three years ago)

(don't forget the wrestling story, matos!)

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:33 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't make my face turn into a heart!
Ha! He was obviously a fuckwit, but at least he's providing us with entertainment now.

(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:19 (twenty-three years ago)

(I have seen a man fall out of a restaurant in the middle of the afternoon, roll around for a bit, be picked up by his friends and dragged down the street. He was shouting "But I'm Anthony Worrel Thompson! I'm Anthony Worrel Thompson!" And you know what? It was. This has nothing to do with the thread, Archel's post just reminded me of it.)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Matos, these stories are entertaining. But what on earth was your mother doing with this assclown?

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:47 (twenty-three years ago)

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

This one made me choke!

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:38 (twenty-three years ago)

12. Chris was a big wrestling fan. (This is in the mid-'80s, after the AWA and right around the WWF's mega popularity.) So much so, in fact, that he insisted that it was real. So he and my mom got into an argument one afternoon about, no shit, whether professional wrestling was real or not. A three-hour argument. I sat in my room w/my ear to the door, listening, and burying my face in a pillow so no one would hear my laughter. It got louder as it progressed; my mom later told me that during these retarded arguments, she would move closer to my bedroom door so I could hear them better.

Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:52 (twenty-three years ago)

(Michael, that threat held no water since Chris never bought diapers)

(J.Lu, see next entry)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:54 (twenty-three years ago)

12.5 Chris was far from the only stupid person my mother ever went out with. He was simply one in a very long line. Take Mike, a deeply dippy guy who once sat me on the kitchen counter and said, "You know why Mr. T has his name? Cause he's got a goat-TEE!"

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:56 (twenty-three years ago)

13. During an argument, my mother said something Chris disagreed with. "I don't believe you," he said. "You lie like a kite!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Ha, your mom dated Yogi Berra.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:16 (twenty-three years ago)

14. Speaking of athletes, Chris once bemoaned the state of "young people today." (Chris, it should be noted, was two years younger than my mom, who had me when she was 14, so he's in his mid-20s when all this occurs.) "I remember when I was ten years old," he said, "I was watching TV one day, and I thought, you know what? I'm bored. So during the commercial, I went outside, ran around Lake Calhoun, came back in the house, and the commercials were ending. I'd like to see kids do that these days."

"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."

His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:24 (twenty-three years ago)

15. "You know," he said one day, "when you say 'Christ,' you're really referring to me. Because my last name is Town and my first name is Chris, so you're saying Chris T.--Christ."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Keep them coming, Matos!

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

I didn't think it was possible, but I think these are getting funnier with each one. I fear #100.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:46 (twenty-three years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Especially if Matos is secretly a precocious smart-alec monkey.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:27 (twenty-three years ago)

that's no secret!

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:28 (twenty-three years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:30 (twenty-three years ago)

that's no secret!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

FOX sitcom? You mean like Titus?

Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

oh, I thought you meant as opposed to Matos in real life. ; )

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Re. Chronicles of George: George bears an astonishing resemblance to my semiliterate tech support coworker. Astonishing.

― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Matos should secretly be dead, and Chris should turn out to actually be a girl

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-three years ago)

(you are all mentalists and I am very afraid)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:36 (twenty-three years ago)

this thread has basically become a "copy and paste posts which make you laugh aloud" thread. more, please.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:22 (twenty-three years ago)

"You lie like a kite" enters the ILXicon now.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:28 (twenty-three years ago)

Matos is the new Margaret Cho. Replace crazy chinese mother with crazy ex-stepfather and there you go. Except for that part about you being a huge gay icon, but I wouldn't know.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't know, he's pretty fabulous.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:39 (twenty-three years ago)

crazy chinese mother

korean

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

I can just see the promo for the Matos Show. Him running through the streets chased by his gay fans, he rounds a corner and while his fans try to catch up he sees a drag queen and changes clothes with her. And the fans run by drag-Matos without a glance, after which matos looks in the camera and holds up a roll of Matos, the swishmaker.

I should really get back to work, sorry.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh right on Jody. I think I was thinking of my mother.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:50 (twenty-three years ago)

16. One day Chris and James went fishing; I tagged along. "Bring a can of corn," James advised Chris, "it makes good bait." (This wasn't full-on fishing, btw--we'd be lucky if we caught a sunfish.) So we drive an hour out to the spot, get out the tackle boxes and rods, and I say, "Hey, did you bring the corn?" (I was intrigued because I was eight years old and had never heard of using corn for fish bait.) "Yep," he said--and whipped out a can of creamed corn. It turned out not to be a big deal, though, since he forgot to bring a can opener.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

17. Fourth of July, 1984. We decide to drive out to the woods and have a picnic. So we make sandwiches, get chips, and fill a cooler with ice, soda, beer, and Klondike Bars, and begin the journey. The trip took an hour.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:00 (twenty-three years ago)

18. One day, driving us to our great-aunt's house, Chris took a wrong turn onto a one-way street. He averted there oncoming cars and narrowly avoided a collision with a parked one before finally making it down the block and turning the correct way. There was about a minute of silence, while my mother and I could finally breathe again (my brother, who was less than a year old, was also in the car).

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:06 (twenty-three years ago)

I love these stories!

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Anthony Worrel Thompson is married to the daughter of the guy who owns the shop next to my house. Interesting celebrity gossip is what I am full of.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:44 (twenty-three years ago)

http://pages.ripco.net/~dymaxia/freeper.jpeg

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:51 (twenty-three years ago)

i wish i knew someone with the second name moran

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Very minor photoshopping could address it to Rick Moranis. I still think it's Jesse Ventura holding the sign.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-three years ago)

i really do know someone with the first name moran, tho that doesn't help much.

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread makes me want to scoop up the eight year old Matos and give him hugs and ice cream.

(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:49 (twenty-three years ago)

no time travel interceptions on matos' behalf please, facetime with chris clearly shaped him into the matos we know and love today (he knows this to be true)

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:57 (twenty-three years ago)

i suddenly have such a better understanding of all my neighbors

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:04 (twenty-three years ago)

jesus christ, matos!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:06 (twenty-three years ago)

(although if their kids can turn out 1/2 as okay as matos did, we're all gonna be alright)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

(nb: obv this isn't likely)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

not living near you it ain't

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:12 (twenty-three years ago)

my dad was no bright spot either, mind

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:13 (twenty-three years ago)

I love my dad

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:42 (twenty-three years ago)

Skipping 398 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.

― HAPPY BDAY TOOTS (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Sunday, 24 February 2013 21:52 (thirteen years ago)

ty, this was special

― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:25 (thirteen years ago)

all-time

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:26 (thirteen years ago)

For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...

― Mark G, Monday, 25 February 2013 07:47 (thirteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y

― Milton Parker, Monday, 25 February 2013 19:29 (thirteen years ago)

five months pass...

Just doin' my civic duty.

― HOOS next aka won't get steened again (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 02:10 (twelve years ago)

----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally

― albvivertine, Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:18 (twelve years ago)

best thread

― freelance helgenberger (get bent), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (twelve years ago)

You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:
2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (twelve years ago)

His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.

― carlos danger zone (mh), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:20 (twelve years ago)

Oh yes of course.

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:29 (twelve years ago)

This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!

― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:30 (twelve years ago)

all-time

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 05:03 (twelve years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (twelve years ago)

one year passes...

still classic

― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (eleven years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (eleven years ago)

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (eleven years ago)

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (eleven years ago)

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (eleven years ago)

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)

― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (eleven years ago)

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