vadge horror stories

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Blow wind! Crack your cheeks!
Distract me from this awful reek!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:06 (nineteen years ago) link

Full fathom five thy father lies
fleeing from thy stanky thighs
Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell
but to smell such stuff is surer hell
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Parting your thighs is such foul sorrow
I promise, no really, I'll call thee tomorrow
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:17 (nineteen years ago) link

If you don't keep that stank in check
Someone's getting a broken neck
It's bad enough he had to sniff that brew,
But then you gave him whiplash too.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:19 (nineteen years ago) link

If your vadges have offended
Think but this, and all is mended
We have the thing to soothe your ill
(with apologies to Shakespeare, Will).
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:25 (nineteen years ago) link

(There was a "double double" upthread, I had to throw in some more Shakespeare.)

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Smelling like
An old mink stole?
Quench that fire
In the hole!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:34 (nineteen years ago) link

All your partner
Licks are lollies?
Get rid of the
Creepy crawlies
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:46 (nineteen years ago) link

I seriously rocked my buns off to the explosive force of LYSOL DOUCHE

― Captain Obvious, Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:18 (nineteen years ago) link

A certain sign a
man's disgusted
with vagina
(red and rusted)
is to find a
jewel encrusted
pussy duster
up inside ya
to extinguish
that rank fire
beathapussahupbeathapussahup
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:37 (nineteen years ago) link

Do they cringe
When you doff your gown?
Then smack it up, flip it,
Rub it down
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Upon smelling
Your vagina
Does his face freeze
Just like Brent Spiner?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:44 (nineteen years ago) link

Does your inner rank aroma
Induce a deadly six month coma?
Are your meaty fins so rank
You crack the windows from the stank?
Does your damp and luscious odor
make your lovers wanna motor?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:49 (nineteen years ago) link

Are touring hippies getting their stalk on,
Worshipping the ground you walk on?
Do they love you? No, you wish:
They just love the smell of Phish.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:52 (nineteen years ago) link

When you partake in lots of hard sex
Those lips need more than just some Carmex
If you need some extra clout
Here's what'll wash Old Faithful out:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:53 (nineteen years ago) link

Dude, I think the meaty fins one made me ill.

Keep it up!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:55 (nineteen years ago) link

Has your "little man in boat"
Started smelling like a goat?
And fellas!
Has your dangling scrote
Acquired a hairy asscrumb coat?
Time to freshen up; please note
I can sing it out by rote:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:56 (nineteen years ago) link

Someone shoulda
told her soona
You can tune a piano but
Don't pee on the tuna
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:58 (nineteen years ago) link

Here, please let me set the scene
for perfect feminine hygiene
for to keep that cooter clean
and polished to a glossy sheen
the bum, the belly, and all between:
the supple folds, the nubby bean,
the stuff that boys all find so keen
(and certain girls, know what i mean?)
It's good for more than just for peein',
He'll skip the ABC and stick the D in
Treat that whore just like a Queen
Disinfect from thigh to spleen
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:04 (nineteen years ago) link

I have found a perfect salve
For a lady's sour bivalve.
A wondrous cure for all the dusky
funk upon a fuzzy mollusk-y.
Grant me please this single wish:
It makes no sense to be shellfish.
Don't cloister that oyster!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:08 (nineteen years ago) link

It's no use to feign apathy
About the state of your baby factory.
Just one whiff of that whippersnapper
Could force a prayer in front of the crapper.
I don't mean this as a dig,
but put some lipstick on that pig
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Necessary pudend... I mean addendum.

"I love women, you know? I mean, my mother's a woman and so is my wife. So I've learned to love them."
-Bill Cosby

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (nineteen years ago) link

This is, by the way, probably the most productive thing I've done all day.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (nineteen years ago) link

I salute you.

― ()ops (()()ps), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:23 (nineteen years ago) link

Got the spirit? Heaven Blessed?
Put your hygiene to the test
Time to test out holy powers
The Pope John Paul of pussy showers
We swear that it'll be your saviour
When lavished all up in your labia
For a holy hole all full of zest
The Passion of the Snapper's best
LYSOL DOUCHE (kosher certified)

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:33 (nineteen years ago) link

just like corn
you'd best remember
canned is good
but fresh is better
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:36 (nineteen years ago) link

I saw the best cunts of my generation destroyed by vaginal odor, stinking hysterical naked dragging themselves through the suburban streets at dawn looking for a glorious fix of
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:38 (nineteen years ago) link

"This Is Just To Say"

i would have eaten
the vag
that was in
your panties

but when I saw
you were probably
storing
nachos in there

forgive me
I was so nauseous
so putrid
and clammy.

LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:43 (nineteen years ago) link

He went down
and got offenda?
Give your man
a CLEAN pudenda!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:34 (nineteen years ago) link

He's loving, tender,
And worth a deuce -
Don't make him drink
Tobacco juice!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:42 (nineteen years ago) link

(That first line of the last one don't scan right; I apologize)

Dirty pillows
Are OK
If you stir
Your curds & whey
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:48 (nineteen years ago) link

He left you
A Cleveland Steamer
But your clam
Was even meaner!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:49 (nineteen years ago) link

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
Your smoo don't seep
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:51 (nineteen years ago) link

OK, one more, because I just saw that DH recursion pic:

Does your lover
Gag and cough
Because you stink
Of Hasselhoff?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:54 (nineteen years ago) link

I am pleased to see that my revive was welcomed so.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:54 (nineteen years ago) link

I taste a liquor never brewed -
In Boats helmed by a Pearl -
Not all the Twats upon the Rhine
Yield such an Eau de Girl!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 08:55 (nineteen years ago) link

There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons -
That oppresses, like the Whiff
Of infected Poons -
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 08:59 (nineteen years ago) link

A narrow Fellow near the Ass
Occasionally rides -
You may have smelt Him - did you not
His notice sudden is -

The Ass divides as with a Comb -
(A drooping shaft is seen) -
And then it drips down at your feet
And oozes further on -

He likes a Boggy Acre
A Floor too cool for Corn -
Yet when a Boy, and Barefoot -
I more than once at Noon
Have passed, I thought, a Catfish
Eroding in the Sun
When stooping to secure it
It scurried, and was gone -

Several of Venus' Critters
I know, and they know me -
I feel for them a transport
Of Cordiality -

Yet never met this Fellow
Attended, or alone
Without a tighter breathing
And Zero urge to Bone -
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 09:09 (nineteen years ago) link

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by vadges

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 23 January 2005 11:08 (nineteen years ago) link

Some time ago someone I used to have casual sex with informed me, in bed, that my, er, "lingam" was actually too big for her "yoni". Yes, those were her exact words. You can imagine that this was a turn-off in more than one way. We haven't had sex ever since.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 13:45 (nineteen years ago) link

Also, I think this is the perfect thread to remind you of what is probably the most classic exchange of words ever on ILE:

I'm 35 and I only learned how to give good head three days ago. The trick is to alternate between smacking the clitoris around and ignoring it for long stretches - like a cop breaking the spirit of a prisoner who's just killed his best mate. I learned it from a magazine article - written by a man who knew what he was talking about. Cosmopolitan has never been any bloody help.

-- colin s barrow (colinsbarro...), June 7th, 2003 8:34 PM. (later)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

u&k re technique finesse: has the prisoner killed the cop's best mate or his own best mate?

-- mark s (mar...), June 7th, 2003 9:07 PM. (later)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 23 January 2005 14:04 (nineteen years ago) link

Douglas Wolk, you are the Norton Anthology of Vadge Poetry.

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 16:50 (nineteen years ago) link

There's a Google query for ya!

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 16:55 (nineteen years ago) link

Ha, damn, I just saw that I was beat to the Hasselhoff Douche. Damn you!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:03 (nineteen years ago) link

Holy hell
what's the smell
in your little green vag

did you poo
in your smoo
how could you not knew?

Such a stink
and I think
a chink in my ardor

Scrub it out
I really doubt
I could get less harder
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:20 (nineteen years ago) link

All of her lovers
all talk of her stench
and the perfume that covered her scent
And isn't she easy
And isn't she
Pretty in stink
The one who insists
he was first in the line
is the last to recover his sense
He's walking around
in a daze like a drunk
She is gone but the stench remains
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:31 (nineteen years ago) link

Now I gotta turn off Winamp or I'm never gonna get any work done.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 17:40 (nineteen years ago) link

Yer killin' me Douglas/Tep.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 21:04 (nineteen years ago) link

Grant your man
One simple wish
Extradite
That stonk of fish
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 24 January 2005 01:21 (nineteen years ago) link

Four & twenty blackbirds
Baked in your pie?
It's time to let
Those feathers fly!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Monday, 24 January 2005 06:06 (nineteen years ago) link

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