My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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I'm so glad this thread was revived.

― Leon the Fatboy (Ex Leon), Friday, 21 January 2005 14:24 (twenty-one years ago)

hi Eric!

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 17:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Some fish love corn. To attract smelts to your fishing hole rig up a Creamed Corn Chum Bag. This may work for trout as well as smelts, let me know. One way to rig it:
1. You need a can of creamed corn, cheese cloth, 4oz sinker, bread tie, string.
2. You also need a lobster bait bag or fine mesh onion bag.
3. Place half of the corn in the cheese cloth and close with bread tie.
4. Place the cheese cloth and sinker in the mesh bag.
5. Lower the bag into the water with cord/string.
6. "Jiggle" it every so often to release some essence de' la corn.
7. Disperse the remaining corn slowly by hand.

(Try with sardines packed in spring water without the cheese cloth!)

― Homarus Vulgaris, Friday, 21 January 2005 17:59 (twenty-one years ago)

"You're an alcoholic!" she yelled. "I'm not an alcoholic," he replied. "I've been drinking every day since I was 15 and I'd know if I was an alcoholic!"

I've actually repeated this story several times to various people.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 21 January 2005 18:00 (twenty-one years ago)

(CCCB recipe stolen from the New England Sportsman:
http://www.nesportsman.com/articles/article28.shtml)

― Homarus Vulgaris, Friday, 21 January 2005 18:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck.

Don't tell the K-I-D-S there's no Santa Claus.

― dave225 (Dave225), Friday, 21 January 2005 18:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I have a truly stupid/ignorant(is there a difference?) step-mother-in-law, married to my father-in-law, who's a great guy but has terrible taste in the ladies. Some nuggets:

1. She's been playing the lottery a lot more recently, because she's "been getting really good at it."
2. She supports republicans solely because of their support of getting rid of the capital gains tax (she's a trust funder who's never had a job).
3. When my wife told her that she found Michael Jordan to be a great looking guy, elegant in his athleticism, she equated having sex with a black guy with "f*cking a monkey."

Bonus by association: After a recent cross-country drive, her brother informed me that there's no environmental problem in the US since he "saw plenty of trees out there."

― tobo (tobo), Friday, 21 January 2005 21:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos, you should film yourself sitting on an easy chair telling all these stories into the camera.

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 21 January 2005 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

wow, this is gold. my only question - why? as in why date, much less marry, such an obviously stupid prick? was he hung like a horse?

― cod, Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

how the fuck would I know?

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:11 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, sorry. could've phrased it better.

― cod, Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:13 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.public.asu.edu/~atjlb/FOOT%20IN%20MOUTH.JPG

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:20 (twenty-one years ago)

my only question - why? as in why date, much less marry, such an obviously stupid prick? was he hung like a horse?

you want some of that Chris action, cod, don't you.

― donut christ (donut), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe he could make his cock into a heart.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:46 (twenty-one years ago)

OH GOD PLEASE STOP THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT.. I BLAME MYSELF.. BUT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

― donut christ (donut), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:54 (twenty-one years ago)

*is content*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 22 January 2005 03:54 (twenty-one years ago)

6. "Jiggle" it every so often to release some essence de' la corn.

― Homarus Vulgaris, Saturday, 22 January 2005 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

anecdotes #34 and #35 suggest that the ex-husband has some form of (undiagnosed) autism -- "inappropriate" use of language, utter lack of empathy and emotional affect, bizarre habits, etc. Which isn't to say he's not incredibly stupid, too, or that Matos' sense of humor and survival skills are anything less than heroic. And obviously, drugs & drink are a big negative influence here as well. I still think there's a book in this.

― lovebug starski (lovebug starski), Saturday, 22 January 2005 16:34 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...

Oh lovely thread.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:45 (twenty-one years ago)

It just may be my favorite thread ever. Seriously, it should be turned into a book.

― Leon Federline (Ex Leon), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

It does beg for it. Mr. Matos, it is time for your second great tome.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Mil Millington made a pile of money off of Things My Girlfirend And I HAve Argued About (where "a pile" means "some"), so I say FOLLOW IN HIS FUNNY FUNNY FOOTSTEPS.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Does "some" mean "lots"?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Wow, this thread. Wow.

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Does "some" mean "lots"?

I don't know; you'd have to ask him.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 16 May 2005 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

best . thread / ever (alongside gear's couch and ally's co-workers)

― stevie (stevie), Monday, 16 May 2005 16:29 (twenty-one years ago)

nine months pass...

haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 10:28 (twenty years ago)

Every time this thread is revived I read it in its entirety. Best thread ever.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 10:57 (twenty years ago)

Anyway, how dumb could the guy be?

http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/users/cpt23/

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 12:01 (twenty years ago)

I worked at a convenience store on campus. One of the WAY older janitorial guys there? Wanted the bigger-than-life-sized free-standing cardboard pix of Dennis Rodman (this was a few years ago) that was a freebie from the soda company. His use? He said his wife LOVED Dennis Rodman and he was planning on putting it at the foot of their love nest/bed (his words). No, I won't finish what they were planning on imagining with Dennis - but he shared his fantasies with of us, including the college girls that were standing there... A WAAAAAY older caucasian couple... with cardboard Dennis...... It's tobo's fault. I was reminded of this... My brain hurts all over again...

― Gailann Schrader, Tuesday, 14 March 2006 19:45 (twenty years ago)

haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

:-D

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 19:48 (twenty years ago)

Sending the kids o-u-t-s-i-d-e is insanely funny.

― stet (stet), Tuesday, 14 March 2006 20:48 (twenty years ago)

this thread is like a glorious new dimension of ILE. it's godlike. thank you, matos.

can someone explain or point me in the direction of:

Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate

and

Cheese Fry?

i fear searching will throw up a lot of false leads ;)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:26 (twenty years ago)

hint: Try using "thusly" as one of your search terms.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:35 (twenty years ago)

Grimly, it gives me great pleasure to bring you:

what to do when your roommate doesn't realize you're home and thusly is having loud sex in the living room

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:42 (twenty years ago)

I remember I used to think gear! was quite old

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:45 (twenty years ago)

Oh man, grimly, you've not read that one before? Prepare.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 00:49 (twenty years ago)

i'm psyching myself up right now. i shall report back later.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:06 (twenty years ago)

i've never read about the couch incident before either. going to now.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:19 (twenty years ago)

it was good to read in real time, but viewed in hindsight it musttake on a different quality - more farcical, less urgency/trepidation

― ambrose (ambrose), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:32 (twenty years ago)

sssh! you'll spoil it for me!

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:37 (twenty years ago)

yeh, i getcha ambrose.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 11:43 (twenty years ago)

haha my mom and sisters saw this thread! they approve.

who is the more unwise - the fool, or those who marry him?

Did your sisters marry him too? That would rock.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 13:19 (twenty years ago)

Unwise to marry a fool? Probably good for your ego. :-)

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 13:42 (twenty years ago)

Oh man, the trucker hat guy.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:37 (twenty years ago)

When I reread that thread, I can usually get as far as Ray Charles before I start to make piggish snorting noises and my co-workers give me strange looks.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:39 (twenty years ago)

i'm reading it now. by ray charles i was laughing so hard that mrs fiendish came through to see what was wrong.

BEST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. o my god. i think i've ruptured something.

and i'm nowhere near finished yet. (a bit like trucker hat guy.)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:02 (twenty years ago)

Hehehe.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:03 (twenty years ago)

!!.

!!!!!.

I had forgotten. Actually, where have I been?

I have no idea.

Hey, Ned.

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:05 (twenty years ago)

How do.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 23:25 (twenty years ago)

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