Throw on Your Best Cardigan and Celebrate Fall 2011 with the Gays of ILX

Fuck, I've had something similar like that happen to me once and it's so confusing and frustrating. Hugs, bruv.

I pretty much had to pester him to get back together, even as he kept saying he wanted to see me.

SO fucking frustrating.

And also a habit I've worked hard to break myself of.

i am strongly considering supporting the classical radio station xxp

sorry rev - unfortunately that experience is all-too-common, as i've found

so common

I've done it to people person myself.

And, yes, support your local classical stations.

i'm also thinking about getting some photos taken of myself. for like a zine.

.... yeahh.

what kiiiiind of zine?

an apple computer zine

So this thing is no longer a going concern and I don't get it. He seemed so into me when we were together, but barely interested when we were not. I pretty much had to pester him to get back together, even as he kept saying he wanted to see me. I think he's just a flake and I've given up on him.

This sucks, Rev, and I'm sorry. I'm very sympathetic because I've been the dick who's done this to a couple of guys (not recently though). The motives are mysterious. In my case I liked the guys but the attraction wasn't powerful enough to stave off boredom. At the same time I was too cowardly to formally end it.

Yeah, Rev, sorry about that. I've been on both ends, glad I've cleared up some of those issues (at least on my end).

The past couple of days, I've been following this whole brouhaha over the article in Fab magazine about racism on Grindr/A4A/CL/etc., and I'm wondering if anyone else has been following it. A good summary is here: http://gay.fleshbot.com/5851036/which-of-these-horny-hunks-do-you-prefer-is-that-okay and a classic thread of trolling racist morons is here http://www.queerty.com/discriminating-against-race-on-grindr-doesnt-make-you-a-racist-20111018/ .

Tbh, the whole 'no blacks, no asians' (or whatever) thing is one of the reasons why I don't really use online hook-up sites any longer. The racism simply makes the whole experience even more icky, imho.

But the whole discussion has made me think about my own issues regarding attraction and body type, race, etc. I've always been pretty 'welcome aboard' to all races in real life, and have hooked up and dated dudes of quite a few different ethnic makeups. But I have to admit— there have been times where I've openly stated my disinterest in hooking up with 'bigger' guys, and I've started to interrogate that preference as being somewhat...ridiculous. For while I don't necessarily fantasize (ie jerk off to) about bigger men, IRL I have no problem interacting with bigger guys sexually or otherwise. This could just be a usual sort of disconnect between the inner fantasy life and the outer lived experience, but it makes me wonder whether a lot of the racism found on hook-up sites or apps is the fantasy life being projected upon the actual lived experience.

Like, I guess most people are too stupid to interrogate the way their fantasy life plays out and limits their lived experience?

Most people are stupid, so it shouldn't be surprising, but it still makes me sad, for some reason.

i think it is pretty clear that it is not racist to prefer certain races and body types. it is just a sexual preference.

nobody should apologize for who they are attracted to. granted online hookups can be douches, and there's a certain way to say things.

mmmmmm uh oh, see here's where we disagree.

i think zachary sire is kinda OTM tho that 1) yeah, there's a difference between "i'm not sexually attracted to (x) race/body type/hair color/whatever" vs. "i am actively discriminating against person of (x) race/etc in a real-world situation where they will be put into a disadvantaged social/economic/class position" - the bedroom isn't the boardroom (well, most of the time) - but to bear in mind that just because you're not attracted to that type doesn't mean that other people aren't or that they're lesser human beings because they hold no erotic potential for you, and also 2) the "no asians/fatties/etc." sign functions as a handy advertisement that that person is a boor who isn't worth my grindr dollars anyway

there's also arguably some icky racial...things involved in eg a white guy being like "i want a big black daddy to fuck me" too, i think

i just don't think there's anything subjective about the statement that it is ok to like whatever body types you like. i refuse to call myself a racist bc i do not want to have sex with certain races. that is ridiculous and intellectually unsound.

if you like asian dudes because you think they are beautiful, that's not racist.

if you like asian dudes because you think they are all passive and submissive, that's completely racist.

i mean ... i know for a fact that a good amount of people are not attracted to me. i'm lebanese, and i'm hairy, and that's not everybody's bag (teddy iirc you sometimes don't love a hairy dude). and i'm like, fine with it. other fish in the sea.

i also think this issue is decidedly not exclusive to grindr

or whichever your preferred digital meat market is

But I think that what I'm getting at is the idea (that Mattilda speaks to, I believe) that one can say 'Asians aren't my type,' WITHOUT EVER HAVING BEEN WITH AN ASIAN. it's discriminatory because it's based on an idea of what constitutes 'Asian,' not any sort of experience outside of the inner sexual fantasy.

also surm you don't really have any idea as to what i like or dislike. i'm pretty damn open.

i like to think that the word 'preference' implies that you're not 100% aligned to your type, eg my preference is for dark-haired guys but i'm not at all shutting out the possibility of dating or at least making out with cute blond guys. i do think a willingness to engage with people outside your boner comfort zone is a good thing.

"boner comfort zone" = I got hard.

i do think a willingness to engage with people outside your boner comfort zone is a good thing.

but that was my favorite word in that sentence :(

also surm you don't really have any idea as to what i like or dislike. i'm pretty damn open.

― Sophomore subs are the new Smith lesbians. (the table is the table), Thursday, October 20, 2011 6:46 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark

actually, i do have some idea, because we've all been posting on a gay thread where we talk about what we like and don't like when it comes to men.

and i wasn't saying you are not open, i just remember a casual comment you once made about enjoying a smooth body, and not always getting off on a very hairy body type. that's it. no need to front.

also, i don't need to be with a certain body typs to know that i am not attracted to it. just like i don't have to be with a woman to know it doesn't get me off.

i don't buy those last two sentences, surm. wouldn't buy them from you, or anybody else.

bottom line for me is that i reserve the right to like whoever the fuck i like, no apologies. you might be right in saying that if i tried something i didn't like, i might find an experience enjoyable. but for the most part, i know what gets me hard.

I'm not conscious of currently having any racial prefs -- all men are generally useless or disappointing, but if they're breathing and want me that's usually good enough -- but some Irish dude who I wasted entirely too much time w/ last Saturday night aked me at the W'burg bar if I thought the men there were attractive.

"About a third of em," I estimated.

His followup was "Do you like black guys?"

I made him repeat that, waited a beat, and sang "Black boys are de-li-cious!" from Hair.

all men are generally useless or disappointing

<3

and donna i didn't mean to avert your question before . . . . i don't know what kind of zine, the kind that has semi-naked pictures of men in it?

"No Asians" is a huge turn-off for me, and it is WAY more common on Grindr, et al. than IRL. The extreme douchebag outliers eliminated, how many people who are mostly attracted to whites and Latinos would ever say to an Asian person who said hello to them at a bar, "Sorry, I'm not into Asians"?

I also don't care for no fats, no femmes, HWP (heigh-weight proportional), and of course the term "clean." When people use the word "clean" in reference to HIV/STDs, I want to sit them down for some a few hours of Clockwork Orange time w/ Diamanda Galas performing This is the Law of the Plague.

there's also arguably some icky racial...things involved in eg a white guy being like "i want a big black daddy to fuck me" too, i think

― vitameatawalloginavegamin (donna rouge), Thursday, October 20, 2011 1:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yeah, i've seen some porn blogs that are mostly white dudes or two (or whatever) white dudes but interspersed are photos of white twinks getting fucked or "abused" or w/e by big black or hispanic guys and there's something really gross and offensive about that type of fetishization imo

yea jess there is definitely a way to say things - and a lot of the time, why even say it at all

or all of the time for that matter.

i think the 'no asians' thing is the most ubiquitous, and thus the most egregious, and also the one i am most sensitive to, seeing as how i'm dating someone who is half-Chinese. after two or three dates, we were in bed and i asked, "what is your ethnic heritage?" and he turned around and said, "thanks for asking that way and not assuming anything," and then went onto explain that people peg him as Asian or Latino all the time without even thinking about it. (the only time he plays into it is for self-preservation— he can't wear red or blue in his neighborhood, because if he does, Nortenos or Surenos fuck with him).

also the HWP thing is so dumb it makes me ill. distribution of weight is SO much about individual body type that it should have no bearing in these sorts of matters.

i met a half japanese boy one time who was like, v v hot. just to spin this on its head for a minute -- i was looking through japanese vogue? and a LOT of the boys in there were either white or japanese men who looked very white

fashion mags in making everyone a white person shocker

altho usually they try and make white ppl look asian, so maybe they are on to something new

I also don't care for no fats, no femmes

At what point do age limits enter the picture, and is that different? This made-to-order stuff, all of it, just closes ppl off from a specific individual who might deviate from their little cafeteria boundaries. "OMG, I thought my age limit was 35, and this 44yo gave me the fuck of my life," etc.

i have this book of plastic surgery and in it, it has a lot of examples of people of asian descent getting surgery on their eyes to look whiter

can u imag?

does the "no asians" thing include the indian and pakistani dudes? filipinos? i find that super weird.

cf. also bollywood

"i'm only into dudes whose first names are also the names of cities"