Throw on Your Best Cardigan and Celebrate Fall 2011 with the Gays of ILX

IANAL, but unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that guy's behavior would be sexual harassment or any other violation of any federal employment discrimination laws. It might violate a state law, if the employer knows about it and lets it continue.

Why do we never talk about ENDA? We argue about gay marriage, DADT - why can't we bicker about ENDA?

It's not a pattern, just that comment. What I found weird about it was facing the idea that a person would see me as something almost inhuman or evil just because of my sexuality. Never had that experience before, even growing up in a working-class town and everyone thinking I was gay (and being convinced I wasn't).

If it's somebody's ignorant opinion, it doesn't bother me so much beyond thinking about myself in their eyes ... and there's a very short shelf life to how long I care about that. There doesn't seem to be much value in standing up for myself in this situation since I'd be putting my happiness in the hands of a person who thinks gay people cause earthquakes. Vindication payoff questionable, not worth the stress it costs. I'm sure other people would feel differently.

Say, if I could help open his mind a little, then it'd be worth it for me, but there are too many conflicting factors that make it a risky move at this stage. If I even remember this when I find a new job I'll talk to him about it, but lordy that'd be an awkward conversation.

I would wait and see if it becomes a pattern and then say something. Surely there's some kind of anonymous report line you can call?

That'd be funny, I'm the only person he works with. It's a tiny US office of a Chinese electronics interest (one of their products boasted, "Now radiation free!", I'm not kidding) and it's run by Orthodox Jews, so I'm not entirely sure there'd be a sympathetic ear. This is just a transient gig for me, so I'm not sure raising a stink would be worth it.

Now that I've got my gay retrospectacles on, I think some of my past mistreatment from colleagues at other jobs may have been something similar, but far more obnoxious. The person at my job now is pretty nice to me (despite awful beliefs). Thinking even further back I developed a pretty thick skin growing up because I was "different", and now I'm starting to realize why that happened. I think I'm about to have a moment......

Well, if the pattern shows that he doesn't like gay people and he doesn't like Chinese people, it might just be that he doesn't like his job and is blaming it on the people he works with.

Does he know you're gay? (sorry if I missed that part)

No... though I'm not sure if he's figured it or not. Some people do, some people don't ... a friend once said I come off as 65% gay 35% straight, though I have no clue what the criteria are, or how valid his methodology is (that would fall squarely on gay).

That's my predicament, except I come off as 90% straight. I have to tell everyone, including gay men :/

The guy I'm dating doesn't believe I'm gay.

Dating? Yay, Rev!

Things that have made him question my sexuality:

Disinterest in makeup and womens' fasion
Love of whiskey and ale; dislike of wine and fruity drinks
Insistence that I could probably fix the broken table he planned on throwing out

I'd add: "Disinterest in adding 'girl' and 'honey' for effect."

How'd you guys meet?

Jesus, he's awfully hung up on stereotypes for a gay person!

I was talking to my gay friends* who are a pretty bearish couple about street harassment. They were saying that they get hassled regularly by guys calling them fag or trying to intimidate them by invading their space. I could hardly believe it b/c, as I've said, high school and 2004, I had not been called a gay slur by anyone until some jackass in Chicago's bro-central called me a fag. Until a couple weeks ago when they told me about their experiences, I thought that that sort of open bigotry and harassment was all but unheard of on Chicago's North Side and other cosmopolitan areas. These are pretty tough looking fellas who don't seem like easy targets, so I wonder why I'm not getting hassled?

*I have, like, some gay friends! We are meeting for gay drinks tonight!

So Lex fought off jet lag like a pro and met me downtown for dinner and drinks last night! I introduced him to the exquisite joy of the michelada.

i'd just be like, um, i can show you that i'm gay if you want?

lovely to hang out w/joe last night! we had mexican food then went to a bar where total freedom were playing (trina "pull over", beyoncé "end of time", pearson sound "deep inside" blended into "push the feeling on" et cet) and i still feel embarrassed that in my jetlag-addled state it slipped my mind that tipping was a thing i should have done

ha xp!

the ACTUAL ENDLESS joy of the michelada

Je55e, do they get hassled maybe because they are a couple and thus communicate their sexuality more openly than you do?

That's lame about the street harassment Je55e. Maybe people don't pick up any signals of "non-hetero-normative" about you. I've been harassed on the street my whole life - NJ, NYC, etc., called "fag" "fuckin homo", had bags of garbage thrown at me on my bike, and I'm not uber obviously gay - just effete and aloof looking. But that may be enough in the US for a man to be a FAAAG!!

Oh, don't worry, guys. His tone when he makes these comments is teasing, not actually incredulous. He's as much poking fun at the stereotype as he is at me. I think after the first time, it just kind of became an in-joke.

We met online a few months ago and never got together, then we ran into each other a couple weeks ago at a bar and got together.

I think I've only been gay-bashed twice in my adult life that I can recall. First by some dude who thought it was hilarious to answer his phone "Hey, nigger faggot" as he walked past me. The other time by a hooker in Portland when I turned down her services.

The first incident happened on Cap Hill of all places, wtf!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxMrWSTlvgg

only time i've ever had someone yell FAG! at me was in SF, of all places

are y'all excluding all instances that took place in high school or did you just go to a really friendly school

was looking thru the NYT gallery of 'per se' and HOLY SHIT I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS PERSON WHO IS HE

http://i.imgur.com/5THs4.png
http://i.imgur.com/xajAt.png

he's like if jesse eisenberg was actually hot

"traditionally" hot

what the hell is 'per se'?

Per Se Galore?

That couple is more "gay-acting" than me, that is true. I asked them if there was any pattern to what precipitates harassment (it was hard to ask that in a way that completely avoided victim-blaming) and they didn't think so.

Per Se is a restaurant in NYC. Someone posted a NYT story about it on the quiddities & agonies thread and like I said there, what I got from the piece was a juvenile lol at this sentence "Per Se in its early days could be a marvel of pretension and clock-gobbling silliness."

That guy in the sweater vest (jumper waistcoat?) is beautiful and he I would engage in clock-gobbling silliness with him.

I like the coquettish forelock of J0rdan's boy.

i never ate at per se :/

I'm starving for a delicious sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. A delicious one, though. The biscuit has to be done right. Time to go to North Carolina.

Or Chik Fil-a.

fuck per se, let's get biscuits

(i mean there is nothing like a biscuit in the morning. nothing.)

Not even sex. Cuz you must deal with morning breath.

I read about Per Se in the NYT on the train home, lol'd at the prices. for fucking FOOD!

This week is a big one for a certain type of baseball fan, as the Society for American Baseball Research — SABR — gathers at the Long Beach Hilton for its annual conference.

...

On-site registration is $59 for a day, $93 for two days, and $159 for the full conference.

Spectrum, I'd say to the guy, "Your insistence on knowing what your God wants is absurd and certainly more sinful than two people engaging in intimate acts."

Or I'd do what I'd actually do, and say, "Fuck you, you homophobic asshole." Fuck a job.

I don't do on-site registration, jaymc, and that's not a meal. Aren't you a busy newlywed, tho.

I'm just saying, people have different priorities for what they spend their money on.

o i c

and it's not a conference.

xp yea i just don't keep my mouth shut around jerks like that. i understand that you don't want to shit where you eat but honestly some people just need to be told.

When I was younger I used to get into fist fights about this kinda stuff... maybe I've lost my taste for personal conflict or something. My fear is that I don't handle irrationality very well ... if I can' get anywhere with reasonable arguments, I get mad, and that's where I imagine this would lead since this dude is strongly religious.

But honestly guys, I'm still fairly new about being gay, so part of the trouble is handling myself with that cool pride that earns respect without starting a shit storm. I'm getting there and I'll be fine, but I don't want to fumble this when I have my sole source of income on the line -- it's not like this guy is some random office-mate, he's my partner in a very small, family-style office. At the very least it's inspiration to work my ass off to become more independent in my career life. That way I wouldn't have to measure my personal feelings against the need to not starve.

Super high prices for fine dining is why it is a special occasion treat (for most people) that some people save up for and splurge on. And it's certainly more than just "food." That's like saying of a a painting "That much money for a couple of pounds of acrylic, canvas, and wood!"

Anyway, I had a full and awesome night last night. Went to see Portishead play, then hung out at one of the gay sports bars where I met a really adorable union carpenter guy. He's 33 and very boyish, but best of all: 5'5" tall!!!! This morning he reminded me of my opening line when I met him: I sat down next to him and said, "Take me home with you." And he said no. But apparently I was very persuasive, and he took me home with him.