cutting people completely out of your life

...In everyone there sleeps
A sense of life lived according to love.
To some it means the difference they could make
By loving others, but across most it sweeps,
As all they might have done had they been loved.
That nothing cures.

This has had me thinking all day, maybe I cut people out of my life to quickly and to often.

Then I thought, nah...I really go all out for friends and lovers. I become irked and increasingly angered when they begin to just take and take and offer not even the smallest amount of understanding. The day I missed the birthday dinner I had eaten something foul at Alamo Draft House called Sex in a Bowl. It was champagne and cream and crap and I became ill while at the theatre. I returned a gift later that week that I had put a lot of thought into (because I always do. I love buying gifts for people and making it special) and was left quite hurt. We had had this close friendship for two years and it was all over so quickly, it must not have meant much to her.

Happened again recently with a girlfriend of six years. I divorced and she had to "process the situation". Even though she and my ex-husband didn't get along. He made it clear he was not fond of her, to my extreme embarrassment. When I found someone new, she was nothing but sour and weird and finally sent me an email that she wanted no contact for awhile, had to "process". I replied that I would prefer no contact ever again.

Exes, if at the base of relationships is friendship and we failed as lovers, I figure we failed as friends as well. True friends. I like true friends in my life and that is what I am left with.

Yeah you're right about the "failed as lovers, failed as friends" link there- I guess the trouble is that the thing that killed the affair is also what killed the friendship- that same basic disparity tangled us up twice in a row- if I felt like a gullible self-deluding fool for trying out a friendship with an ex, I feel like even more of a jerk for trying to have some dramatic "last word" that in hindsight never needed speaking. But the "forced" quality of the whole thing exposes why it wasn't going to work, on either level.

*tera, your friend's need to "process" your breakup sounds like such self important bs. to what exent was she expecting you to apologise for the way your ex husband had treated her?

Jed: It was weird, I didn't understand it and she offered no other details or reasons, just "process" . I was willing to try and understand at one point. I had long apologized for him and she claimed not to be that bothered. She seemed bothered by the fact that we divorced and that I later found someone. Perhaps too soon for her taste but I'll never know.

My childish action was to erase all my comments from her blog. She then had to "cleanse" the blog and this entailed weeks and weeks of posting photos of roses sometimes more than once a day and a continued announcement that she was cleansing her blog. I felt my childish act was topped and that I made the right decision.

Yeah there's no room in life for people like that.

That is actually why I cut someone out of my life about 8 years ago. I was very supportive - emotionally, materially - of someone for years and years with very little in return. I was about to move halfway across the country and start law school around the same time that I got fed up with the way this person made choices that perpetuated her endlessly miserable state (and were detrimental to her young son) so I pulled back a little. Her response was to send me an email telling me what a horrible person I was for being distant when she needed me the most and my response was to email her back and clearly and concisely lay out all the reasons why she sucked.* I haven't spoken to her since but she did get her act somewhat together shortly thereafter so that's good, I guess.

*I would probably not do that if I had it to do all over again.

― pullapartsquirrel (Jenny), Wednesday, October 5, 2011 2:58 PM (6 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This person is apparently moving to Chicago and has made overtures about "getting together." :|

I think I kind of do this organically with boring people. When people send platitudinous e-mails, or we have multiple uneventful nights out, I just find myself "drifting away" from them. Not such a bad thing-- though I am constantly in fear of being on the receiving end of this.

But anyway, I am actively having to do this right now with somebody I genuinely love. He is fun and intelligent and talented, but has absolutely zero compassion. He has to go. The thought of him vacating my sphere of concern is extremely soothing, like a headache finally dissipating.

But it's interesting. As I was working today, I was internally rehearsing future conversations with him, practicing how I was going to blow him off, trying to find the right balance of nonchalance and finality. Of course, this doesn't at all mean I have been successful at "cutting him off"... I mean, even now, I'm still typing about him. I look forward to getting my head to a place where it doesn't dwell upon his existence with more than a passing acknowledgement.

the fantasy of explaining to someone who you believe is genuinely oblivious to what it is that might be difficult or draining about their personality in order to do the right thing and possibly even give them useful insight or perspective rather than resorting to dropping the steel shutters of what could appear to them inexplicable and harsh coldness

Dear Goon Tie, this does not sound like a situation for "cutting off completely" (this is generally reserved for people who are actually abusive or toxic) but more for a slow fade, or what Captain Awkward calls the "African Violet of Friendship". It's worth searching Captain Awkward for the series of posts on this, the conceit being that although our culture has many accepted rituals for ending romantic relationships which are no longer functioning, it has no comparable ritual or method to end platonic friendships which are no longer functioning. So the "African Violet of Friendship" is a kind of "how to break up, non-awfully, but still firmly, with friendships".

This is the original post where the phrase came from:

http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/18/reader-question-5-how-do-i-deal-with-a-clingy-friend-who-tries-to-make-over-my-life/

Unfortunately while our culture provides many scripts for breaking up with romantic partners, it has no template for ending friendships. There should be a ritual.

“Dear Friend, please take this African Violet as a symbol of the close and wonderful friendship we once shared. Please enjoy it in good health, and if you are having a problem or just want to chat, please call someone else from now on.”

And this is how the tag became a catchphrase:

http://captainawkward.com/tag/the-african-violet-of-broken-friendship/

Q: does anyone think this would be a good candidate for de-indexing? I started to post about a person that fit this and then realized it might not be advisable.

i have not spoken with my father in over 3 years and this has been v good for me. in favor of cutting people out of your life who are abusive, obv.

word

way to go.

This can be a good thing to do. Life is short. Time is precious. There are too many people on the planet to allow your life essence to be sucked away by vampires and victims. Cutting a bad person out leaves more room for good people.

when does "love" with so many toxic strings attached become "abuse". the hardest for me was dealing with how i missed those relationships (parents) but then realizing what i actually missed was love-minus-toxic-strings-attached, which i never received and will never receive from them, and mourning this in wider context. working on building a sense of love without the strings afterwards, that's actually the hardest. xpost

I have never made a concious decision to cut my parents off, but when it has happened I liken it to an internal circuit breaker that popped and can't be reset. Fuck all that papist quaker-babble about the sanctity of parents! One thing I learned recently is that my mother is just as loathsome as my father and I was blind to this for decades, and she was adding to my low self esteem woes with her slow, hateful attrition.

I guess to give the non-specific version: a friend of ours for a number of years has gone increasingly batshit since her divorce a few years ago, making a series of painfully bad choices in terms of work and dating, and also behaves very frustratingly every time we're around her (showing up absurdly late for everything, having the food ready four hours after you arrive if you go there, etc.) We realized we just couldn't be around her anymore and decided to stop accepting invitations.

Keep hearing this thread title to the tune of Got To Get You Into My Life, with the big horn section and all.

ironically

If you're going to cut someone out of your life, it's best to do with with a big horn section accompaniment.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

We had friends do it to us once our kid was born. They wanted kids and couldn't have them I think is probably part of the underlying unspoken reason. But they just like refused to make any effort to see us, no matter how many times we invited them. I guess in theory I should be able to say "why would I want someone like that as a friend anyway?" but it's still hard to accept.

When you have a severely disabled kid you realise how fantastic all your friends are as the invites dry up. Sometimes you need extraordinary friends, not many of them fuckers about, nor family for that matter. Sorry for sounding bitter.

We had friends do it to us once our kid was born. They wanted kids and couldn't have them I think is probably part of the underlying unspoken reason. But they just like refused to make any effort to see us, no matter how many times we invited them. I guess in theory I should be able to say "why would I want someone like that as a friend anyway?" but it's still hard to accept.

Having gone through infertility myself, to the point where my children are adopted, I sympathize with your ex-friends.

Yeah, that's a tough one. Sometimes it's really not about you at all. It's just hard to escape how bad it can feel. Not that you're in the wrong, hurting, or that you shouldn't be upset. I've just been on the opposite side of that situation, too. (The worst was going to a kid-heavy event about a year after I had a miscarriage and thinking it would be just fine and realizing after about 15 minutes it was pretty fucking far from just fine, but not wanting to make anybody feel bad. Bleh.)

point taken

Yeah I mean, I almost cut my family out of my life after we had spent $$$ on surgery and IVF only for my brother to call me up at midnight to inform me that he and his wife accidentally got pregnant sooner than expected and, when I called my parents to ask why he would do that to me, my mom said that she had told him he should call me immediately despite his misgivings and my dad said I needed to put aside my feelings and be happy for him and the start of his family. People are often, completely unwittingly, complete and utter assholes about fertility issues and isolating yourself starts to become the only viable alternative.

(I don't yell at my family very often so they take me VERY seriously when I do, and to their credit they've been fantastic about the whole issue ever since, which is why I ultimately didn't cut them out of my life.)

something very similar happened in my extended family, one set having an unexpected child while their sibling was struggling to have kids

im not particularly close to my family so i wasnt particularly aware of the extent of the awkwardness during this phase though it became clearer subsequently

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

I didn't really talk to my sister for six months and there are now topics I've let her know I have no interest in hearing about, and it's definitely helped our relationship.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

― lauded at conferences of deluded psychopaths (Sparkle Motion)

this happened to me too. i think it was because they crashed at my place for three months and i eventually asked for rent.

I don't know if I could live with my own parents for multiple months without paying some nominal rent, let alone a friend

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

It's so fucking fraught and complicated. Try to be forgiving of and kind to yourself here, whatever choices you make.

otm

DJP I'm kind of on the opposite side of your sitch. I didn't know that my sibling had been through IVF when I got pregnant (my mother stopped me from crashing in with my news at least). Also I was aware of a close colleague having a miscarriage a week or so before I needed to announce it, and recently another colleague has had a terrible thing happen baby-wise and I still haven't told her I'm pregnant to avoid any chance of upsetting her. I really didn't (and still don't tbh) know how to act so just trying to keep it minimal.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

― lauded at conferences of deluded psychopaths (Sparkle Motion)

this happened to me too. i think it was because they crashed at my place for three months and i eventually asked for rent.

― the late great, Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

One of my closest friends did this to me over email and flat out refused to tell me why "I learned something today that has caused me to decide to terminate our friendship but the exact reason isn't important and I'm not going to get into it". She even went so far as to say that if I ever contacted her again she would consider it harassment and contact the authorities. It was totally bizarre and out of the blue and none of our mutual friends (who she also cut out) know why either. It hurt me tremendously and I still have weird dreams/nightmares about running into her one day.

I haven't been hanging out here much, so sorry to just jump in, but I'm struggling against what I should do about my mother. My wife and I had to live with her for awhile when I was changing jobs and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. She's a drunk and sort of useless. My wife made many attempts to befriend her and create activities they could do together, but she only wanted to drink and smoke, something we didn't want around our daughter. She now calls my wife and makes her feels unwanted in my family and veers towards abusive language. I think once again I have to remove her from our lives. I've asked her to not make these phone calls and my wife has asked her to not bring up certain issues on the phone, but a drunk never listens to polite requests. But cutting my own mother out is hard for me, I keep forgiving her and hoping she'll listen and start growing in her life.

I've cut my sister completely out of my life, for reasons I discussed on the sociopaths thread. It's not easy, but it has to be done.

Jacob, my dad had to cut his mother out of our lives for similar reasons. He's never talked about whether it was a difficult decision, which makes it seem like he just laid down the law and cut her off, but after a few disastrous visiting trips in my childhood, we never went back (as a family, tho my dad and I visited alone once). I think seeing how much it hurt us kids to have our mother insulted and plotted against was probably the last straw. Do what you need to do. Mental/emotional illness is a sad thing but if you want to stop it from continuing down generations, you may have to make choices there.

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

― Now I Am Become Dracula (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:12 PM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

:( it can be done! i couldn't understand how for years and then one day i just stopped returning phone calls. carl is right that it's fraught but most days i think it's one of the best things i ever did.

nb: i only cut out one person, so i'm not trying to say it's easy. though in my case it was kind of easy tbh. way easier than dealing with the person.

i didn't see or speak to my mum in the two years before she died, and i don't and never have regretted it

― (govtname)mac (darraghmac), Thursday, 19 January 2012 21:33 (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

drop that shit imo, do it today.

It's too long and personal story to get into here but my closest friend did this to me for reasons that according to him had nothing to do with me over the summer. There was stuff going on his personal life that I had connections to and he decided that he couldn't have any contact with me until that was resolved. He made a big point of saying that this wasn't my fault and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I asked for a more in-depth explanation at the time and he wouldn't give one. I seriously thought I'd hear from him by now but it's been complete radio-silence.

I don't think anything any friend has ever done to me has hurt more than this. I emailed him a couple weeks ago explaining how bad this has felt and how I felt like I deserved an explanation. Still nothing. I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny. I keep having dreams involving him and the whole thing just sucks. If he contacted me and apologized and explained why he went about this the way he did then I would love to be friends again despite the fact that I think he's acted selfishly and cruelly. I think the worst part is not hearing from him even after I wrote that email. It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.

Sorry. I'm just venting. This whole thing has just made me so sad and angry and ugh.

wow that seems kind of extreme

I'm so sorry ENBB :( I know how horrible it feels to get that sort of treatment. You deserve better.

I KNOW. That's what literally everyone I've talked to (including my therapist) has said. Keep in mind this is someone I've known for approx 17 years. We were in each others weddings. I really did consider him one of my best friends. It's extreme and infuriating and confusing.

barring some sort of "I can't hang out and smoke meth with you anymore" type scenario I'm at a loss for what unrelated-to-you situation could motivate this. but maybe he's just being passive-aggressive and dishonest about his motivations.

CRUT1S YOU RULE PLZ CARRY OUR TORCH FORTHWITH ETC

ALSO CUT YOUR HAIR AND PLZ DON'T TURN INTO KENAN

― mookieproof, Saturday, April 12, 2008 12:54 AM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^ astute advice btw