― anthony, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Limp biscit.
Two geriatric old dolls out walking in the park when a flasher passess. What happened?
ONe had a stroke...... the other god bless her wasn't quick enough
― nic, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Hans is a big burly German who is an apprentice chef working in a kitchen of big hotel. He's placed on washing up duty as part of his induction to all the compenent parts of managing a good kitchen.
He's busily scrubbing away when there's a commotion behind him. A customer has ordered some squid, and like lobster, this restaurant have a tank of live squid to be killed to order. This responsibility falls the fish preparer, Gervais. Unfortunately, Gervais had been considering a career change, so often did he find this task too upsetting. This one was no different. He looked at the lime coloured little creature, and started to anthropomorphise. He was sure he could see human features on the squid. He could even see what looked to him for all the world like a little moustache. He just couldn't do it, and so cleaver in mid air, decided to make a break for it, and quit on the spot.
The head chef, incandescent with rage remonstrated with all and sundry. His eyes fell upon Hans who had been paying little attention. 'Hans,' says the chef, 'you come here and replace Gervais.
Hans dutifully walks over, picks up the cleaver, grabs the squid's body and raises his arm in the air ready to administer the fatal chop. But he too notices something with the squid, and he just can't do it. He composes himself, but to no avail.
The moral of this tale?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid.
― Nathan Barley, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
QM: What a delightful halo, dearie!
Diana: It's not a halo, it's a fucking steering wheel.
― suzy, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Tracer hand, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
As he's pouring, the bartender asks, "Did you know you have a steering wheel on the end of your dick?"
The leprechan sighs. "Yes. It's drivin' me nuts!"
― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― ethan, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
― matthew m., Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Instantly this man leans out of his window and screams: "BITCH!" at her.
As this man rounds a corner he crashes into a pig right in his path.
― Brave Ulysses, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
a container of yougurt a can of soup one microwave dinner one cucumber a pint of ice cream an apple
the cashier glances up smiling at the woman and says "you must be single"
she replies coyly "how did you know?"
he says "cos your ugly"
― ernest, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
Yehudi Menuin (sp?) is to perform with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra. He arrives at his hotel, with a violin case. The clerk glances at it and mutters, "No fiddle playing in here." Yehudi says, "But I have to practice." "No fiddle playing in here." "But I'm going to play with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra!" "I don't care. No fiddle playing in here." "But - but I'm Yehudi Menuin!" "I don't care if you're Bob Wills, there's no fiddle playing in here."
For those frowning in puzzlement, Bob Wills was the biggest star of western swing, very big in Texas, and a great fiddler.
― Martin Skidmore, Tuesday, 9 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link
St. Francis of a CC.
― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 19 February 2003 15:19 (twenty-one years ago) link
Mostly you just get lots of onions with big ears but occasionally you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Wednesday, 19 February 2003 15:51 (twenty-one years ago) link
BOOBIES!
― phil-two, Thursday, 20 February 2003 06:21 (twenty-one years ago) link
A Protestant girl puts her hand up and says "if a kid was playing up a tree and fell out and died, that would be a tragedy".
"No" said Tony, "it would be very sad, but that would be an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else".
So a little Muslim boy puts up his hand and says "what if a busload of schoolchildren went over a cliff?"
"Good answer" said Tony, "but that wouldn't be a tragedy, just a great loss".
"Mr Blair" shouts a little Catholic boy, "what if you were in a helicopter over Ireland and it crashed, would that be a tragedy?".
Tony is flattered and says "yes, thank you, it would. But how did you know".
"Well", said the boy "it wouldn't be a great loss and it certainly wouldn't be a f***king accident".
― ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 20 February 2003 18:24 (twenty-one years ago) link
He says "ouch".
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 20 February 2003 18:37 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Thursday, 20 February 2003 20:00 (twenty-one years ago) link
Tanita: how does it smell?
Guy: it doesnt, it just sits there in the corner whimpering and sinking slowly but surely into an abyss of nasal depravity and canine angst
― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 20 February 2003 20:24 (twenty-one years ago) link
he came to be known as a Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
― minna (minna), Sunday, 23 March 2003 08:14 (twenty-one years ago) link
― minna (minna), Sunday, 23 March 2003 08:16 (twenty-one years ago) link
― minna (minna), Sunday, 23 March 2003 08:20 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Dada, Sunday, 13 July 2003 20:11 (twenty-one years ago) link
― Aaron A., Sunday, 13 July 2003 21:40 (twenty-one years ago) link
What are two Gay men named bob called ? oral robots
-- anthony, Monday, April 8, 2002 8:00 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Link
― and what, Tuesday, 29 July 2008 18:37 (sixteen years ago) link
This is one my boyfriend told me...
Boyfriend: How does Hitler tie his shoes? Me: I don't know...he makes someone do it for him? Boyfriend: No!! Into little Nazis!!
my god it's so stupid
― Aja, Tuesday, 29 July 2008 22:51 (sixteen years ago) link
Has anyone else looked through oldjewstellingjokes.com ?
This is such a great, non-frivolous, and well-assembled thing to use the internet for -- some of the longer story-type jokes are just terrific. (Cf "Drobkin" and "The Pope")
― nabisco, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 21:02 (fifteen years ago) link
awesome
― Bathtime at the Apollo (G00blar), Wednesday, 27 May 2009 21:06 (fifteen years ago) link
why did the coastguard fail to save the drowning hippie?
cos he was too far out
― dive inside water and you will know (dog latin), Monday, 8 December 2014 12:35 (nine years ago) link
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty
― rap is dad (it's a boy!), Friday, 20 November 2015 15:37 (eight years ago) link
How do you change a lightbulb in Vietnam?
YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU WEREN'T THERE!
― doing my Objectives, handling some intense stuff (LocalGarda), Friday, 20 November 2015 15:41 (eight years ago) link
haha wtf
― rap is dad (it's a boy!), Friday, 20 November 2015 15:42 (eight years ago) link
How do you make an octopus laugh?
something to do with tentacles
― doing my Objectives, handling some intense stuff (LocalGarda), Friday, 20 November 2015 15:44 (eight years ago) link
something to do with ten tickles
― doing my Objectives, handling some intense stuff (LocalGarda)
^Changed
― rap is dad (it's a boy!), Friday, 20 November 2015 15:45 (eight years ago) link
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see there are a lot of new faces here this week, and I have to say I'm very disappointed.
― Neptune Bingo (Michael B), Friday, 2 December 2016 18:33 (seven years ago) link
Di you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog?
― Neptune Bingo (Michael B), Friday, 2 December 2016 18:34 (seven years ago) link
I saw my doctor yesterday. He told me I was at death's door, but not to worry, because he'd pull me through.
^My dad's favorite joke after he reached age 80.
― a little too mature to be cute (Aimless), Friday, 2 December 2016 18:50 (seven years ago) link
Knock knockWho's there?Broken pencilBroken pencil who?Oh never mind. There's no point.
― calstars, Wednesday, 28 December 2016 20:42 (seven years ago) link
Why do landlords hate cats?
They won't stop going "mao"
― calzino, Tuesday, 22 October 2019 13:39 (four years ago) link
“Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.”
― calstars, Wednesday, 8 April 2020 22:44 (four years ago) link
A man is on a train journey and he sees a beautiful woman in the dining car. He consults with the conductor and finds out that they're bunking in the same sleeping car. He runs back there and gets into bed to wait for her.
She arrives, turns the lights down and begins to undress. She takes off her dress and she's got a false leg, which she unsnaps and puts under the bed. Then she pulls off her wig, takes out false teeth, and finally pops out a glass eye before sliding under the covers. As she does so, she spots the man goggling in amazement/horror from the other side of the room, and snaps, "What do you want?"
He says, "You know what I want - take it off and throw it over here!"
― but also fuck you (unperson), Thursday, 9 April 2020 12:42 (four years ago) link
What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?
INSIDE JOKES!!!
― doorstep jetski (dog latin), Thursday, 9 April 2020 12:43 (four years ago) link
Three beekeepers are chatting at a beekeeper convention.
The first one says "I've not been in the business long, got ten hives, about 100,000 bees, sold five thousand jars of honey last year."
The second beekeeper says "I'm pretty well established now, thirty hives, half a million bees, I average about thirty thousand jars a year."
The third guy says "You people seem over resourced. I've got five million bees, one hive."
The first two beekeepers look at the third incredulously. "How the hell do you keep five million bees in one hive?" asks one of them.
The third beekeeper shrugs and says "fuck 'em".
― a slobbering sombrero moment (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 9 April 2020 12:57 (four years ago) link
What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?INSIDE JOKES!!!
― calstars, Thursday, 9 April 2020 14:52 (four years ago) link
Best knock knock joke I've heard in a while
Who's there?ToTo who?To *whom*
― cerebral halsey (rip van wanko), Sunday, 5 September 2021 03:09 (three years ago) link
Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop."See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae.""Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds.""Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head."Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!""**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated."I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP.""Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."
― sleeve, Sunday, 5 September 2021 03:18 (three years ago) link
I came home tonight, and my wife said, "I made pizza, and I also cooked ahead".I replied, "I don't want to eat a head!?"
― Halfway there but for you, Sunday, 5 September 2021 03:43 (three years ago) link
(I'm vegan)
― Halfway there but for you, Sunday, 5 September 2021 04:33 (three years ago) link
My wife and I were talking about vacationsShe said she wants to go somewhere she’s never been beforeI said how about the kitchen?- dangerfield
― calstars, Sunday, 5 September 2021 12:15 (three years ago) link
If i had my way that wasp record joke wouldve stayed in its sleeve
― fix up luke shawp (darraghmac), Sunday, 5 September 2021 23:57 (three years ago) link