Severe Anxiety

Kind of tiring of my inability to react to any unexpected situation with anything other than blind panic, no matter how small said situation is. Every time the landlord wants to talk to me, I assume our house is being sold, every even half-"difficult" email I have to send becomes a potential source of fear or shame, things never feel stable. Really tired of this shit, but I know the answer - sleep, exercise. eat the right food, read. It's just that all that becomes so difficult to achieve. It's hard to not reach the conclusion that I need to have the most boring life possible in order to avoid getting this way.

How do other people on this anxiety thread deal?

I'm fucking terrified of how/whether anyone is going to respond now. I need a vacation.

in general, is your life going well or badly? From other stuff you've posted it sounds like you've had some really cool things happen lately.

My life is going really quite well (thanks for noticing!), but I have a terrible habit of taking on far too much. I am being very busy and reasonably creative, but for some reason everything still feels unstable and isn't helped by the fact that part of the reason I am so busy is I have gigantor student loans to take care of. But it does seem that I can take care of them, for now.

I also have developed a bad habit of burning out and flaking on people, but then (maybe it's true what they say about LA) I find that a lot of people also flake on me, which is deeply frustrating. Hypocrite me.

sleep, exercise. eat the right food, read

You say it as if it's nothing, but those are all hugely underrated, and some very difficult standards to live by. Yet it's not all. Not to get all psychological or Freudian, but I'd say, reading what you wrote, it's not for nothing that you experience blind panic no matter how small the situation. There is a cause for that. I'm not necessarily talking major trauma here (I don't know you well enough to rule it out), if that's what you think, but rather you seem conditioned to react this way when anything "unexpected" comes up. That conditioning - and I have been there, and still am sometimes - is more important than the actual cause that set it off, if you have been suffering from this for a long time already. It's a reflex in your brain, a response to situations you maybe only once, one day in your life, gave in to and acted upon, whether it was out of self defense or not. And now that reflex, that Pavlovian reaction plays up every god damn time and you can't seem to shake it off or act otherwise. Time to re-program, re-wire your brain. Which is not easy, and no shame in asking for help to do so. It will make you feel so, soooo much better (also from experience). Good luck.

adam have you tried talking to them about income-based repayment plans or the like? getting on one has pretty much saved me.

one other strategy i have lately is to not *plan* as much. like, "i will do x then y then z while i'm doing p." there are always too many variables involved for most of my plans to happen. and i'm TERRIBLE at following any plan whatsoever. and when i do follow through on a plan i usually end up feeling like i just wasted a bunch of energy following a plan and not engaging with the task at hand.

there was that recent article in the NYT about decision fatigue, and it helped me partly understand a lot of the anxiety i felt several years ago when i was in that position (taking on far too much, and doing well, things on a serious upswing). I was constantly tired, trying to keep all the different balls in the air, and thus, felt like i was too tired to make the best decisions, that i was forgetting something, or doing things in a half-assed manner that would eventually catch up to me. And because things were going well, I had this fear that it was "too good to be true" and i kept feeling/seeing signs that it was all gonna fall to shit.

I don't know if that's what you're going through.

But, in terms of what helped:

- having a "just get it over with" mentality -- if someone is gonna say "no," if there's gonna be bad news, i'd rather know sooner rather than be super anxious anticipating it

- trying to focus on what i could do, what was within my power - rather than fretting about stuff i had no control over

- corny "positive thinking" exercises - like with your landlord example (i totally had that "oh shit, he's gonna evict us!" sinking feeling every time we got a call or note from the landlord), imagine that it's something normal and innocuous.

sleep, exercise. eat the right food, read

these are pretty much the very simple things that I fail to do and then get out of sorts. for staples, they're really hard to adhere to.

Thanks guys,

Yeah I'm sure it comes from somewhere, but it's a relatively recent phenom. for me, probably coinciding with grad school and working three jobs while studying full time and trying to find time to make my own work. I'd inevitably end up working for pretty demanding people who would call me at all hours asking sometimes (to them, at least) relatively simple things, but it was the sccumulation of these demands that has meant that now I screen most of my calls and leave emails sitting unread for weeks, because I am kind of afraid that their contents will throw a spanner in what should otherwise be a manageable schedule. The reality is never usually that bad, and in procrastinating I of course make it worse and make my own actions harder to explain.

As for the loans, yeah, they are a big deal. I went to a VERY expensive school in order to learn how to do a VERY expensive thing, and hence my loans are like those NYT horror stories you see every week. I did my best to offset them by working other jobs (AND I got a half scholarship) but they are still brutal. I am figuring out IBR and planning on maybe trying for Public Service Forgiveness, but who knows.

I am probably less anxious then many of the people on this thread and certainly coping better than I did 2/3 years ago, I just always feel on the brink. Hopefully that is deeply subjective and not true. But sometimes I totally feel like yeah let's buy a house somewhere cheap and quiet and get easy jobs and stay home and cook a lot and just fucking avoid the outside world. Probably not going to happen because I think I tend to thrive on being busy, just only to an extent.

The best thing I have found is going for a run early in the morning while it is overcast. Endorphins and fresh air. It's just hard to wake up early enough to do it and so often it is just wake up, fill myself full of coffee and jump back on the carousel. This last weekend felt like it lasted about 5 minutes and even then a lot of what I was doing was "work", just other projects I am involved in outside of my day job(s).

Other things that help me - watching football (about the only thing that makes my brain totally switch off), cooking, taling to friends, reading, listening to records (I am picking up my stereo today from repair place after it was sitting busted for months yay)

I really want a pet but I am too allergic

wow I make a lot of typos now

Also I tend to really like looking at these, especially the green one. I need to think more about colour.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Hy5cZ1bogQ/TWLU_zXa-VI/AAAAAAAAAIo/RLb9_-rIzco/s1600/Wolfgang+Tillmans+-+Kaskade%252C+2001.jpg
http://www.britishartshow.co.uk/images/homepage/tillmans.jpg

i've decided to accept i'm an anxious person and embrace it as a lifelong condition and not berate myself for it which only makes it worse. the here i go again, wtf is wrong with me thinking makes everything so much worse. i know what's wrong with me, i'm anxious, i know what past events etc. have contributed to this but they won't go away, they already happened, so i'm trying to be kind and compassionate about my own anxiety like i am towards the anxiety of others and stop fighting it. i haven't had a panic attack for years but i remember how the fear of them started to become a trigger for them, and it was only by relaxing and giving them permission to happen if they were going to that i was able to stop having them, and i hope this might work in a similar fashion.

that green is lovely.

isn't it just

I've started to accept this as well, and realized that my default world view is to see a crisis going on. I constantly feel I'm a dysfunctional person because I am behind at work, or due to my lack of organization at home, or due to some social obligation I'm not fulfilling. Acceptance that I'm a procrastinator and that I'm kind of messy and that I don't have to always keep in touch with people has left me more sane and actually more productive. Not doing things the way you feel is optimal doesn't mean you're constantly failing, it means you can probably make a dent if you just adjust your perspective.

otm - i had a habit of comparing myself (unfavorably) to other people who were super productive and self-disciplined and driven, and feeling anxious about not being able to measure up. Once I decided that in that comparison, i would never win, and thus the comparison was unhealthy, i felt better.

those people generally suck and have horrible personalities or even worse anxiety, in my experience

”let's buy a house somewhere cheap and quiet and get easy jobs and stay home and cook a lot and just fucking avoid the outside world.”

I have basically tried to do this in my own life in order to cope with day to day anxiety. But I think I've taken it to the extreme - I avoid any situation that I know creates anxiety. I wonder if this isn't so much self preservation as it is defeat. It's a terribly fine line between being ok just being average and feeling I am somehow less of a person because I haven't really done anything with my life.

Ambien was the only thing that helped me. I paid off all my debts a few years ago, it really makes a difference. Nothing can send you over the edge quicker than being totally out of money.

two separate months, two waves of major panic attacks (some over work, some over money). Mount Cleaners otm, though my panicking is premature as I'm nto even close to out of money, I just have higher standards for managing cash flow than a lot of people.

still tho...I forgot how debilitating a severe panic attack is. only starting to pull out of this week's wave of attacks just now, and even then cautiously so...

I understand your position. :-( I fear the effect of my meds is wearing off. Bah.

Two hour panic attack. Well that was fun!

Funny thing is, it woulda been over in ten minutes if I hadn't taken over my breathing and sped it up unnecessarily which made things worse. no idea why it's so bad this week, I mean there's stress/pressure in my life but not above normal or anything. In fact life is slower now than it's been in six months!.

You are taking some steps to deal w/ this, I hope? You shouldn't have to put up with 2 hour panic attacks!

I'd forgotten I'd posted that about my shaking and puking day. And nobody answered, meh. It hasn't happened again; I have drastically cut down on the stressful aspects of my job.

it went away once I hung out with my roommates. it's harder to make this go away cuz unlike late last year, when the stimulus for my panic attacks was heightened levels of stress beyond what I could handle, right now it seems to be overwhelming disinterest and boredom.

no idea why it's so bad this week

i had a really severe panic attack yesterday as well w/o any of the usual triggers. maybe it just the time of year or something?

I always wonder how severe mine are. How would you define your severe panic attacks?
I once literally wanted to jump off a cliff we were climbing. Noone realized (as I was just walking) but I was very close to just jumping. usually mine are just *there*, a prolonged feeling.
The other weekend I was able to just shut it out. Consciously decide to ignore it. Very strange (for me anyway).

I dunno. I'd say mild is where I just feel like I can't breathe, maybe am trembling and sweating a bit, but I can take control of it and make myself breathe and get back to normal in a few minutes. It feels severe when I can't control my breathing and get stuck in hyperventilation, start crying and can't stop, throw up, have to flee the scene, or curl up in a ball, anything like that. But this is totally subjective.

i am scared that my troubles are going to drive away that people that i love

pssh, just focus on people you love, make sure you continue to express interest in what is troubling them, and accept help graciously. Great relationships aren't defined by how people react when everything's going great.

there is a clinical definition of a panic attack, in that it involves 3 or more of a list of symptoms/feelings. when i was working through my panic disorder (still am, but it used to be worse), understanding the difference between rapidly mounting anxiety and a panic attack helped me understand my own ability to stop rapidly mounting anxiety from becoming a panic attack. before, it was just "i had a mild panic attack" or "i had a severe panic attack," but afterward, i felt like i had some agency in the process, since i could actively intervene and STOP anxiety from spilling over into panic. made me feel less helpless, i'm saying.

How would you define your severe panic attacks?

length, number of symptoms, severity of symptoms e.g. stuff like De-realization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) and Sense of impending death

. no idea why it's so bad this week, I mean there's stress/pressure in my life but not above normal or anything. In fact life is slower now than it's been in six months!.

i found a couple of weeks ago, when i was at one my most happiest and contentest parts of my life, that for no apparent reason my anxiety started to rise. it was like my mind was all 'okay things are great, the only way from here now is DOwn..'

I have not suffered anxiety hardly at all since I last posted to this thread. I also stopped taking Ativan in that time. Strange, that.

in regards to severity, I oddly haven't really had a hyperventilation episode since my first ever panic attack, but the impending doom, dissociative feelings are all there. Inability to focus, overwhelming dark feelings and despair, and a feeling that nothing will ever be normal again. hand/leg twitching.

I also think I know where this latest episode is coming from. It's not random at all. I'm stressed about money I foolishly lost gambling (even though I have more than enough to pay bills for several months), and stressed about a project I'm doing at work. I thought that wasn't it because I was pretty relaxed when I left work yesterday but upon arriving at work this morning, within minutes of entering the building, I went from relaxed to stiff as a board, and within minutes of dialing into a meeting, I felt a burning sensation in my stomach and I realized work is the trigger right now.

so kind of a relief to know I can control it since i know what it is.

having some idea of what's contributing can make such a difference. even when i can't control a stressor, it helps to have an understanding of it.

surm, i could have written your post upthread. :( but i just started therapy, feeling hopeful about that.

Alas, my understanding of it hasn't helped one bit. :-(

awww :(. sorry to hear that.

me going out and driving and doing stuff today helped significantly. plus listening to Simply red's "Holding Back the years".

pssh, just focus on people you love, make sure you continue to express interest in what is troubling them, and accept help graciously. Great relationships aren't defined by how people react when everything's going great.

this is true, but I understand surm's comments. I think one of the big reasons for panic episodes really snowballing is the fear of having it play out in public in front of friends/loved ones. Not only is it embarrassing, but there is usually a fear that some of the people close to you won't understand, or that the issues will change you and cause you to lose those you care about. When they first surfaced, my episodes led to the dissolution of the greatest romantic relationship I've ever had-- partially my fault for not opening up to my partner enough, but also, it prevented me from being me, and drove a wedge between us.

As for the friends that react negatively to your problem as if it is a burden, yes, that does mean that person was a shitty friend to begin with, but that's often little consolation to someone who suffers from anxiety and likely has self-esteem issues too (not to put everyone under that umbrella, only going off my own experience).

anxiety died way down this weekend as I had a lot of fun w/ friends...but persistent feeling of non-motivation and flatness has been taking over me for a week. just no desire to do things. usually w/ me this only lasts a short while so it'll probably be gone soon, but I get positively Dexter Morgan*-ish when i'm like this

*in that I have no feelings, nto that I kill anybody

:( hate this.

<3

i'm trying to be kind and compassionate about my own anxiety like i am towards the anxiety of others and stop fighting it

estela, i think these were wise words you said upthread and i hope they are still helpful to you now. <3

<3 thank you both. i am not berating myself but i would like this to pass. it usually does. but this has been quite a severe attack for a couple of weeks. it's partly physical, i got food poisoning and then i lost my appetite and it still hasn't returned and now i've lost weight which i can't afford to do at all and which i find very stressful because it takes forever to put it back on again, and i feel weak and run down and nervous.

i know people don't like people moaning about their low weight but it's really horrible when you're shrinking away without wanting to. and people make rude accusatory remarks which make it worse. yesterday i went and bought some hospital grade sustagen and the pharmacist told me sternly six times that i was not to use it as a meal replacement, even though i had said i was looking for a supplement, and she was being very patronising and rude but i knew if i objected i would just sound like a defensive anorexic. she said over and over, you can't afford to lose any more weight, as her narrowed eyes moved from my clavicle down to my feet and back up again.

does anxiety ever make anybody incredibly and inexplicably angry? like is this a thing?

yes. sometimes at work I get mad that I get asked to do something even though A. the person asking me has every right to ask it and B. there's no reason for me to be mad about it. and it's usually tied to anxiety