WHO THE FUCK READS THE DAILY EXPRESS?

http://i.imgur.com/C9v5J.jpg

Serves them right for burying railings in graves.

Below right: typical headline/article contrast.

PATCH THAT WILL / patch that could

also the amateurishness of using the exact same wording in the opening sentence as the headline

Chris Morris: It's just been announced there's to be an special inquiry into the government's handling of the Frome shipping deal, that flew to pieces last month, over allegations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the minister for ships Michael Crane, he's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.
Peter: I'm with the minister for ships Michael Crane MP ...
Chris (in voiceover drowning out Peter): That's right Peter everything I've just said comes spewing straight back out of your stupid slab of a face.

I'm a big fan of the "£1 cheaper than the Mail on Sunday / 50p cheaper than the Mail on Sunday" graphical confusion.

There was one on the train this morning so I read it.

I didn't know Beachcomber was still in it! Never read it before, but John Lennon used to do a take-off of it "Beatcomber" for "Mersey Beat" paper, back before he was world famous.

Reasonably amusing in a radio 4 way...

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Sep/Week3/16074678.jpg

PHWOAR, EH LADS?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eBT6OSr1TI
Bring back capital punishment for paedophiles. Photo feature on schoolgirl skirt styles

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Sep/Week4/16078427.jpg

TV presenter Tania Bryer and ex-EastEnder Sid Owen also attended yesterday’s launch at London club The Hospital – to give their support.

Who shrunk Melinda Messenger, and for what reason?

2,3,4...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OrxQ5cKaOQ

It's more likely that Eamon Holmes has got bigger.

http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/content/lists/newspaper/news_107.jpg

Would probably be better for britain's health if they stopped giving away bags of sugar, truckloads of salt and cheesey wagon wheel pizzas every day of the week.

It's called the Eamon Holmes Diet for short.

and
EU RESTRICTS SIZE OF OUR WAGON WHEELS
They are smaller than they were when you were a youngster!
oh wait
no
no...
I just made that up

Urgh, cheesey wagon wheels...I feel slightly sick.

WAGON WHEELS W/ CHEESE?

WTF IS WRONG W/ THE UNIVERSE?

(wagon wheels) are smaller than they were when you were a youngster!

This is, in fact, true..

are you sure its not that you're bigger now, mark?

Hang on...

WHOA!

Who ate all the pies wagon wheels?

don't know why the eu keeps insisting that people get larger as they grow up it means that wagon wheels seem smaller when you end up an adult

Now Super-Sized Eamon Holmes is disappointed with traditional English Wagon Wheels.

Even the ones that have jam in them?

TV presenter Tania Bryer and ex-EastEnder Sid Owen also attended yesterday’s launch at London club The Hospital – to give their support.
It's a massive lottery.

I didn't realise this at the time but this lottery is being run by Desmond's own company. Aren't there laws against this kind of thing?

It may break the Advertising Standards Authority code, but so what? http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=1&storycode=47960&c=1

I just kind of assumed that Desmond was running it. I don't know what that says about me or the media.

got confused when the newsagent near work had this big THE HEALTH LOTTERY sticker in the door and i thought it was another draconian anti-cigs campaign

Yeah, it's uncomfortably close to the 'postcode lottery' re: healthcare which right-wingers cite as an argument for privatisation.

“Firstly, this article should have been clearly marked up as an advertorial. It contains no references to the criticisms that have been made of the new lottery. For example, Sir Stephen Bubb of the Association of Chief Executives of Voluntary Organisations has criticised the amount it will donate to charities (20.34p per £1 as compared to 28p by the National Lottery). "

However...

Company sources are also understood to have dismissed criticism of the Desmond health lottery, claiming that it will give a greater proportion of its proceeds to charity than the National Lottery which gives a significant of amount of its money to non-charity causes such as the Olympics.

Yeah, The Olympics.. and (etc ad infinit)

So, cue a never ending series of front pages highlighting NatLot spends on "....."

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Sep/Week4/16078427.jpg

every part of this is so confusing

WAGON WHEELS
10P
HEALTH LOTTERY
[miniature celebrities]

"Size Matters" ftw

it's funny that st george?/the guy with a shield, is always there, because he just looks like another weird aberrant detail

That's the traditional English 'Express Crusader'.

st george?/the guy with a shield

I think he's officially called The Express Crusader. He's fighting to withdraw the UK from the EU.

xp

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Oct/Week1/16082022.jpg

OUR TRADITIONAL ENGLISH WEATHER FROM FORMER COLONY OF THE ARCTIC RETURNS

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Oct/Week2/16085816.jpg

NOW BUILD YOURSELF AN IGLOO OUT OF MULTI-VITAMIN TABLETS

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Oct/Week2/16088736.jpg

Tomorrow's Express: FREE HEALTHY GALLON OF AIR FOR EVERY READER

"Why I'm backing the Health Lottery" = "They paid me to" end story.

She was engaged to Damian Aspinall, owner of Aspers, an entertainment company, until July 2007. Their daughter Freya Air Aspinall was born in Westminster, London in 2003.[2] Air and Aspinall are no longer a couple.[3] Prior to their breakup the couple caused a stir by announcing their intention to place their baby daughter in the care of a gorilla in a ritual Aspinall's older children had already taken part in.

Damian Aspinall's dad was eaten by a lion, some people never learn.

Aspy rubes.

I don't know about you all, but I'm OUTRAGED at how SHOCKING a higher calorie limit is.

Another 'allegation repeated as fact' headline from the Express.

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Oct/Week2/16089494.jpg

NOW BUILD YOURSELF AN IGLOO OUT OF CURRY AND FIREWORKS

snow on the cairngorms where all the daily express readers live

Curry, fireworks, whinging about the cold = shameless pandering to their beloved Asian readers.

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Oct/Week4/16094332.jpg

JUST THINK OF HOW YOUR MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED HAD AUNTIE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THE CRUSADER'S GENEROUS THERMOS FLASK, CURRY FIREWORKS AND MULTI-VITAMIN TABLET OFFERS