vadge horror stories

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Shut up and get back in that douche.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 12:28 (nineteen years ago) link

seven months pass...

Now how had I forgotten about this thread?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:22 (nineteen years ago) link

Fumes.

― Aimless (Aimless), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh my golden gods,
this is the best thread revive
since pres. will. shabazz

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:43 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh gosh, now that was a day.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:54 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh my god, I'm bookmarking this one.

― K3rry, Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Ah. nice revive Ned =)

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:05 (nineteen years ago) link

"....and that was how Tep conquered ILX, grandkids."

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:24 (nineteen years ago) link

Ha, no no. I was one of many, and my favorite bits (so to speak, ugh) upthread are not mine.

Also: SMOO!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:32 (nineteen years ago) link

Somehow I missed this thread the first time around.

I literally did gasp in horror when reading Girolamo's story, the first time I've ever had sort of reaction to anything posted on ILX.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:43 (nineteen years ago) link

had *that* sort of reaction ...

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:44 (nineteen years ago) link

leaving stains
all round his forehead?
izzy stradlin
something horrid?
LYSOL DOUCHE

-- Begs2Differ (cibul...), June 18th, 2004

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:25 (nineteen years ago) link

um, lest we forget.

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:27 (nineteen years ago) link

"wash that clam you salty girl" hahaha

I just tried to relate some of these gems to my wife. Her response: "That is a lot of flavors of WRONG."

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:29 (nineteen years ago) link

"Sterilise thy facking crumpet" just made me laugh like Muttley.

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Yes, Haibun and Tep were both divinely inspired. I stand revised.

I scroll past that story of Girolamo's very fast so there's no chance I might accidentally reread any part of it. The nightmares are bad enough.

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Has your cauldron come to bubble?
Causing untold toil and trouble?
On his prick and on his thumbs
something wicked icky comes?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:54 (nineteen years ago) link

In your Denmark something's rotten
and though I've handkerchief of cotton
From my nostrils please do banish
every trace of your cheese danish.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Would your fella rather rim
Than get near your scary trim?
If it's so, then don't blame him
Just do something 'bout that quim.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Blow wind! Crack your cheeks!
Distract me from this awful reek!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:06 (nineteen years ago) link

Full fathom five thy father lies
fleeing from thy stanky thighs
Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell
but to smell such stuff is surer hell
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Parting your thighs is such foul sorrow
I promise, no really, I'll call thee tomorrow
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:17 (nineteen years ago) link

If you don't keep that stank in check
Someone's getting a broken neck
It's bad enough he had to sniff that brew,
But then you gave him whiplash too.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:19 (nineteen years ago) link

If your vadges have offended
Think but this, and all is mended
We have the thing to soothe your ill
(with apologies to Shakespeare, Will).
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:25 (nineteen years ago) link

(There was a "double double" upthread, I had to throw in some more Shakespeare.)

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Smelling like
An old mink stole?
Quench that fire
In the hole!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:34 (nineteen years ago) link

All your partner
Licks are lollies?
Get rid of the
Creepy crawlies
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:46 (nineteen years ago) link

I seriously rocked my buns off to the explosive force of LYSOL DOUCHE

― Captain Obvious, Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:18 (nineteen years ago) link

A certain sign a
man's disgusted
with vagina
(red and rusted)
is to find a
jewel encrusted
pussy duster
up inside ya
to extinguish
that rank fire
beathapussahupbeathapussahup
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:37 (nineteen years ago) link

Do they cringe
When you doff your gown?
Then smack it up, flip it,
Rub it down
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Upon smelling
Your vagina
Does his face freeze
Just like Brent Spiner?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:44 (nineteen years ago) link

Does your inner rank aroma
Induce a deadly six month coma?
Are your meaty fins so rank
You crack the windows from the stank?
Does your damp and luscious odor
make your lovers wanna motor?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:49 (nineteen years ago) link

Are touring hippies getting their stalk on,
Worshipping the ground you walk on?
Do they love you? No, you wish:
They just love the smell of Phish.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:52 (nineteen years ago) link

When you partake in lots of hard sex
Those lips need more than just some Carmex
If you need some extra clout
Here's what'll wash Old Faithful out:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:53 (nineteen years ago) link

Dude, I think the meaty fins one made me ill.

Keep it up!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:55 (nineteen years ago) link

Has your "little man in boat"
Started smelling like a goat?
And fellas!
Has your dangling scrote
Acquired a hairy asscrumb coat?
Time to freshen up; please note
I can sing it out by rote:
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:56 (nineteen years ago) link

Someone shoulda
told her soona
You can tune a piano but
Don't pee on the tuna
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:58 (nineteen years ago) link

Here, please let me set the scene
for perfect feminine hygiene
for to keep that cooter clean
and polished to a glossy sheen
the bum, the belly, and all between:
the supple folds, the nubby bean,
the stuff that boys all find so keen
(and certain girls, know what i mean?)
It's good for more than just for peein',
He'll skip the ABC and stick the D in
Treat that whore just like a Queen
Disinfect from thigh to spleen
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:04 (nineteen years ago) link

I have found a perfect salve
For a lady's sour bivalve.
A wondrous cure for all the dusky
funk upon a fuzzy mollusk-y.
Grant me please this single wish:
It makes no sense to be shellfish.
Don't cloister that oyster!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:08 (nineteen years ago) link

It's no use to feign apathy
About the state of your baby factory.
Just one whiff of that whippersnapper
Could force a prayer in front of the crapper.
I don't mean this as a dig,
but put some lipstick on that pig
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Necessary pudend... I mean addendum.

"I love women, you know? I mean, my mother's a woman and so is my wife. So I've learned to love them."
-Bill Cosby

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (nineteen years ago) link

This is, by the way, probably the most productive thing I've done all day.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:14 (nineteen years ago) link

I salute you.

― ()ops (()()ps), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:23 (nineteen years ago) link

Got the spirit? Heaven Blessed?
Put your hygiene to the test
Time to test out holy powers
The Pope John Paul of pussy showers
We swear that it'll be your saviour
When lavished all up in your labia
For a holy hole all full of zest
The Passion of the Snapper's best
LYSOL DOUCHE (kosher certified)

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:33 (nineteen years ago) link

just like corn
you'd best remember
canned is good
but fresh is better
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:36 (nineteen years ago) link

I saw the best cunts of my generation destroyed by vaginal odor, stinking hysterical naked dragging themselves through the suburban streets at dawn looking for a glorious fix of
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:38 (nineteen years ago) link

"This Is Just To Say"

i would have eaten
the vag
that was in
your panties

but when I saw
you were probably
storing
nachos in there

forgive me
I was so nauseous
so putrid
and clammy.

LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 06:43 (nineteen years ago) link

He went down
and got offenda?
Give your man
a CLEAN pudenda!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:34 (nineteen years ago) link

He's loving, tender,
And worth a deuce -
Don't make him drink
Tobacco juice!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:42 (nineteen years ago) link

(That first line of the last one don't scan right; I apologize)

Dirty pillows
Are OK
If you stir
Your curds & whey
LYSOL DOUCHE

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 23 January 2005 07:48 (nineteen years ago) link

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