suicide

hi emily,

so almost ten years ago, i started this thread. needless to say, i'm still here.

obviously there have been a lot of...ups and downs in the decade that followed that first post. (to be honest, i've been debating reviving it, non-anonymously, in the last few weeks.) so perhaps i am not in the precise headspace to be giving advice here. but bear with me.

i have been through just about everything that everyone has suggested on this thread. drugs/medication. multiple hospitalizations. multiple attempts. (obviously multiple failures.) i don't say all that to try to develop some bullshit presumptuous temporary bond with you. the last thing i want to do is pretend i'm coming at this thread from some form of wisdom. i'm as confused as anyone in the thick of this thing.

what i don't want to do is condescend to you, or treat you with kid gloves because you are in c.risis. i understand your wariness over medication, hospitalization, and et cetera. i share it, even as i know it has helped me. it represents, among other things, a feeling of a loss of control, of relinquishing a certain self-determination in favor of letting trained professionals try to guide you or medication rewire your (to be blunt) tangled circuitry. it takes an act of will to relinquish that control, to put your faith in something other than yourself to get you out of this, find an answer to the "whys," presume that you might think differently about the uselessness of yourself/humanity with a reorienting that might be therapeutic or chemical.

all i can say is, in my experience, it takes a MUCH greater act of will to end your life. as i'm sure you know. so all i can do is implore you, from a position of empathy and identification and respect, to look into the options that require a far less extreme expenditure of will, that are easier (again to be blunt), medication and therapy and even hospitalization, before you even continue to think about the irreversible option. which is of course just that. and your presence on this thread means you strike me as a person more looking for answers (which is good, healthy, human) than someone who's already decided on one.

i can't promise you an immediate or permanent solution, to either the urge or the questions, but i can promise that, because i know you're strong enough to overcome this much smaller fear (without even knowing you, knowing you're still here arguing this tells me that), you will be surprised at how much your thinking about the situation and the questions changes, not only for the better but for the clearer if you accept help. and besides, duh, the questions are only interesting to grapple with if you're still here, and again, given that you're still taking time to puzzle it all out here, i can't imagine you're not more interested in the questions than the solution which permits no more asking.

that is, strongo, a ball-shatteringly good post.

and, again provided that first post didn't seem horribly presumptuous and intrusive and condescending, if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone who's both been through some shit (and so might have a fraction of a sliver of a perspective on it all) and who's still going through it (and so might be able to commiserate if nothing else), please feel free to send a message to me through the webmail feature.

Hi emil.y! I was gonna post some stuff but strongo is bringing the real talk more than I could right now so I guess I'll just say that I still don't know that much about you or anything but I'm glad you're still here!

fwiw strongo I have enjoyed a lot of your writing on and off of ilx and it's really sobering to think that a decade ago, it was you at the top of the thread and we all came that close to not having you around for the past decade.

emil.y i also would like to tell you that i have enjoyed both your expertise and your company, that i identify strongly with your worldview. you're probably very tired and at the end of your reserve of patience. i'm sorry for posting a muppets video once when you said that you were feeling low. that was stupid, and i'm not usually that stupid. well, yes i am, but anyway, please stay. your presence in the world makes me feel like less of a weirdo because i know there's at least one other one out there.

pretty sure if it wasnt for you emil.y i would probably never have heard Cromagnon, so i for one am glad you are around. and if it wasnt for strongo i would never have thought about blending a habanero into a drink and then made it a general party staple for anyone unlucky enough to spend a lot of time drinking with me. both of which seem flippant but tbh its kind of an example about the good little ripples we all cast out into the world that we probably never really think about, but they matter.

right on -- most of the smiles and good vibes and positive effects we all generate, we'll never know about. But they happen all the time.

Hey e.mily you are a quality ILM poster and

Ergh, iPhone. Anyway, stay cool; we need u

most of the smiles and good vibes and positive effects we all generate, we'll never know about. But they happen all the time.

That's what I meant about your Spellbound comment--it was just such a sweet, off-the-cuff thing to say.

emily :(

please stay with us, emil.y.

If you care about friends and family, please don't commit suicide.

i understand this is meant well and i can see its point but it still strikes me as an unreasonable (yet effective!) guilt trip. friends and family don't know what it's like to feel that way. suicide may indeed be a selfish act, but so is saying 'you must carry on lest i feel anguish at your departure'.

emil.y - I don't have the experiences or knowledge about what you are going through/feeling that others on this thread have. All I can say is that I am grateful for your witty, thoughtful and, sometimes, snarky posts on ILX, thankful that you played 'Phew' on outloud and that I love exploring your end of year ILM ballot. All the best.

emil.y I will argue with you until the universe explodes that you are not a bad person, and that there really are no bad people, and I would be sad if you committed suicide.

I would also be sad if emil.y committed suicide. I agree with everyone generally.

can emil.y please post again i dont like this not posting time

just checked & she posted four hours ago in another thread

I did indeed. Still feeling pretty 'oh FFS what's the point?' about everything but thanks everyone for the kind words. Entertaining the idea of staying alive just to arrange an ilx goth cruise FAP.

aw <3

Any reason will do! For a cruise, I mean.

<3 to u, meil.y

:D

omg

I am included in this goth cruise FAP right?

good vibes, em <3

Naturlich, crüt.

fyi I will sing + play Christian Death's "The Drowning" on this goth cruise so stay alive for that

hey let's keep it positive

loooool

Heh <3

i hope trayce co-plans this goth cruise, being ilx's Queen Goth and all.

Sending good vibes over to you Emily <3

Me too emily <3 and hey, cmon, goth cruise sounds like an awesome plan and you wanna be around for that!

lotsa <3 and <3 here emil.y so please stick around!

I've fallen out with almost everyone on ILX but in 10 years I've only had pleasure from emil.y's posts. Please stay (you can choose whether it's an East 17 stay or a Shakespeare's Sister stay).

E17 one is only for one day so prob not a good recommendation in this instance...

Perhaps you could prescribe E17 taken at least 1 time a day?

As a psychology student I was vehemently against medication,.
I was able to get out of a depression once about a decade ago. Then the last few years I battled anxiety and depression again. I am very happy I decided to take anti-anxiety pills. The first pill was the hardest. Now I am in a much better place.

Realize that there is a next day. It can be better, worse or the same. Realize that life offers change and does change Death doesn't.

Realize that there is a next day.

This is the problem.

It can be better, worse or the same.

Which gives it over a 2/3s chance of being terrible (better than atrocious can still be terrible).

Realize that life offers change and does change Death doesn't.

I fear change.

I honestly and truly feel that you have to pull through. You are not seeing things as they are. I would strongly urge you to try everything. Change of place, job,... A small change can make you see some light. It does not have to be medication per se. But if you are this deep, why not? You do not deserve this.

what's the point in living, emil.y? probably not much, but what's the point in dying? yours is just one small, human life, the things you do pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. all those terrible things you talk about having done to people - the worst of the effects of those things on those people last maybe a few years, a few decades in the worst case scenario.

if nothing really matters, than dying doesn't really matter either. you're already here, you might as well hang about. the thing is, ultimately you are responsible for your choices: you are making the choice to treat people the way you (think you) do. if you think you treat them badly, why not try to treat them better? obviously, it's not a straight line from where you are now to somewhere you will feel better, but you are making the choice to not try meds or further therapy, or explore alternatives. the way you look at the world is also a choice.

trying to think up ways to kill yourself that will have the least impact on your loved ones is pretty exhausting - why not put that energy into figuring out a plan to try out some psych meds? things aren't magically getting better for you, and you're still thinking about killing yourself, so i feel like at this point you might as well give the meds a shot or two.

seeing this <3 is just making me think everyone is teabagging emily repeatdely

awww <3

Five years ago today my dad killed himself.

I miss him a lot.

Oh Krakow. All my heart in sympathy.

Thank you. Five years feels both like forever and like no time at all.

sorry to hear Krakow.

i'm very sorry to read that, krakow.

my sympathies as well, man.

Wishing you all the strength for just getting through things today.