Kenny Dalglish Won't Be Delivering the Module: English Premiership 2011-12

OMFG AAAAAAARGH

i cant remember the last time i saw a team spend so much time in the oppositions box without having any sign of a chance let alone scoring

do all teams look like arsenal does today at the beginning of the season? or is this a special type of awful?

Arsenal are sort of unique in the Premier League in tending to cut through the opposition midfield like a hot knife through butter then reaching the penalty area and skilfully passing the ball with great accuracy to a defender

first game of the season is traditionally cagey and sucks balls. we aren't awful*, just frustrating.

*in control defensively and in possession, regularly getting in the box, just fucking up time and again with the last ball.

Like Barcelona's sometimes frustrating refusal to shoot is usually in service of the creepily clockwork-like greater plan, but Arse's penalty area spazz-outs are maddening and inexplicable

It's tantric football guys

I wouldn't be surprised to see Arshavin pulled off (lol) for Theo or Chamakh 10 minutes into the second half.

Calling either of these sides' first 45 awful is way over the top.

More importantly, who made the decision that the first team should play in knock-off strips?

And yes, Arshavin has clearly decided that he's not arsed to run at a defence that's clearly gagging for it, so bring on the Walcott.

God that was poor. Carroll, I just, eurgh.

'11/'12 season notable so far only for the discovery that Veetle works on my phone.

gervinho's a diving cunt. ryan taylor never touched him...

nah he didn't dive... his forehead just got too heavy...

This may be stating the completely blindingly obvious but no one who's played today is getting anywhere near the title.

bitter Spurs fan ruling us out already

only got one song (unless he gets sent off)

dunno why Theo wasn't on from the beginning, no surprises seeing Arshavin so lazily impotent.

I like Song a bit more after that Barton stamp.

How about the new boy?

wtf?

That's some bullshit.

OH FUCK OFF

gervinho gets started on: gets a red.

OH FUCK YOU ONLY A FUCKING YELLOW WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU

can't wait for Barton to sign for Arsenal in a couple of days now.

Much more simulation from Barton than Gervinho there.

oh shit joey barton gets touched, goes down like he's shot

The ref's been reading his Twitter. He likes the Field Mice, there's no way he could be involved in any trouble.

No one's signing Barton now, he's waiting out his contract at Newcastle.

Those decisions were all correct, although Barton is a terrible person

two games at st james park - two unjust sending offs for joey being a dick.

how does barton not get a red for that?

he's just picked a man up and shouted at him cos he done a dive ain't he

he manhandled him and pushed him about - i've seen reds for a lot less

With Mp4xA, gervinho raises his hands therefore needs to go, Barton probably guilty of Ungentlemanly Conduct in pulling him up so yellow?

he pulled him up pretty violently and was getting well into it, isn't there a rule for provocation?

what arsenal have lacked in continuity inside the box, they have up for it with interesting hairstyles

two games at st james park - two unjust sending offs for joey being a dick

Oh come on, you'll be telling us that's why it ended 4-4 next.

Yanked him by the collar too violently to be just 'ungentlemanly conduct' for me.

Yeah, going on a (possibly imagined) distinction between grabbing a guy above or below the neck - without anyone going nucular and touching the face there that gets dismissed as "handbags" and the ref gets praised for having common sense and not being tempted to send anyone off. Barton aggravating it and being an obvious dick complicates it and makes it seem unfair, but enh

Happy to be blown away by Caek Referee Veracity when the time comes though

The greatest trick Joey Barton ever pulled was distracting everyone from the fact he's been awful as an actual player today.

Barton will definitely give a perplexed, faux-angelic post match interview, if Newcastle let him

Barton's scowling Bickle face on the MOTD big screen as Shearer disapprovingly says "Jooey's a very lookee boy thur"

I dunno, none of it would have happened if he didn't PICK THE GUY UP TO FUCK WITH HIM. That isn't just handbags imo.

Our backline, keeper, Song, Rosicky and Gervinho been v good today, the rest have been gash and unfortunately the rest is where games are won. Wilshere and Theo for Ramsey and Arshavin and we will look a hell of a lot better. Gibbs's crossing in this one game >>> Clichy's Arsenal crossing career.

just discovered that theo walcott has the same number of club goals as his predecessor franny jeffers (36, fwiw)

imo should have been three red cards: Song, then Barton and Gervinho

Seriously, Barton's picking up of Gervinho was a much more aggressive move than the pathetic tap he received in return. The ostentatious shaking of everyone's hand at the end was sickening too

joey barton 'is' 'a legend'

Apparently nowhere in FIFA's Laws of the Game does it say that raised hands = automatic red card.

Much like "last defender, he's got to go"

Or "he got the ball first"