― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 10:05 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Thursday, 25 March 2004 10:08 (twenty years ago) link
I once had a conversation with my grandfather, a doctor, about a little something healthwise that was worrying me. I remember thinking at the time that I should just be grown-up and matter of fact with him, though afterwards, when it turned out I was just being a hypochondriac, I felt really really embarrassed about talking about my penis to him.
(NB the medical question I had was nothing to do with my penis. I just used it for, uh, orientation)
― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 11:00 (twenty years ago) link
I also had the Unapologetically Racist Uncle conversation. Then he died.
― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 25 March 2004 11:16 (twenty years ago) link
― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:13 (twenty years ago) link
― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:19 (twenty years ago) link
― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:41 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:43 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:44 (twenty years ago) link
Uncle: what about apartheid though?great aunt: oh, they keep them in their place16 year old me walks out incredulous causing scene
she died last year
― chris (chris), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:47 (twenty years ago) link
― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:05 (twenty years ago) link
(by the way, DISTANT uncle on my wife's side - that none of us are too proud of) He lives in rural PA, which will be evident by the end of the dialog.
B: So, you've got a nice place here.U: yep.B: Must be nice living out in the country.U: yep.B: Lots of space...U: yep.B: So, what's it like having Amish neighbors?(long contemplative pause, drags off cigarette)U: it's just like living with niggers.(speechless)
― dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:15 (twenty years ago) link
Dad: YEH YEH YEH, HE LOVES ME YEH YEH YEH YEH.......Me: dad, are you gay?Dad: YES. NO. JUST CELEBATEDad: GUYS SMELL BADDad: ARE YOU BI?Me: and their beards hurt when you kiss emDad: HA. I HAVE YOU THINKING
uhhhhhhhhh
― JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:08 (twenty years ago) link
― kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:22 (twenty years ago) link
Anyway, my aunt is talking about the holidays when her kids and my family were growing up, and how she always enjoyed making the holiday dinners. My cousin chimes in in a pissed off tone, "Ah ma, what could you possibly remember? You were always smashed off your ass, face down in the potatoes."
We all did our best to sort of go "Ch-ch-chhhh" and let that landmine pass us by.
― Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:38 (twenty years ago) link
― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:40 (twenty years ago) link
― JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:11 (twenty years ago) link
― JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:13 (twenty years ago) link
Chuck: (Upon first meeting girlfriend's dad at his farm) Hi, I'm Chuck!Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)Chuck: Hi!Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)Chuck: It's nice to finally put a face to a name!Girlfriend's Dad: Would you like to see my kittens in the barn?Chuck: Sure!Girlfriend's Dad: There's only a couple left. Some of 'em slept in the tractor last night, and I been scraping 'em out the wheels all morning
― Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:15 (twenty years ago) link
Aunt Jean: I'm not Aunt Jean, who are you?
Penelope: Yes you are Aunt Jean, how are you?
Aunt Jean: I don't care who you are, did you bring me fruit jellies?
― penelope_11, Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:34 (twenty years ago) link
GRANDMOTHER: If it weren't for Bill Clinton and those liberals, you'd have a better job than working in a bookstore. Did you know that they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?
EVERYONE ELSE: ...
AUNT: Mother, you're disgusting. (storms out)
― mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:36 (twenty years ago) link
He also had me hold lambs while he clipped off their tails:
Him: son, hold thisMe: uh-huhHim: *sound of cauterization, horrible squeal, and smell of burning lamb*Me: aw, fuckHim: blowflies eating out their assholes is worse, son
― David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:32 (twenty years ago) link
HAHAHAHA i'm going to fill every lull in conversation with this.
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:04 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:05 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:06 (twenty years ago) link
Elderly relative (waking up from snooze in hot car) : What did you say?
Me: Traffic's bad today. E.R : Who are you?Me: I'm Dave, we're just going to the hospital?E.R : Where's XXX (my elder sister)? Why isn't she taking me?Me : She's at work, I expect.E.R : Where's YYY (another sister)?Me: I don't know.E.R : Where's ZZZ (3rd sis)?Me: Er.....on holiday.E.R : Where's AAA (youngest sis)?Me: Oh she's definitely at work today. Definitely at work.E.R : None of you can be bothered with me, now I'm old.Me : Oh they'd love to see you, I'm sure.
Me: Did you remember your appointment card? E.R. Are you a homosexual?Me: No, I'm not. I'm married to NNNN, remember?E.R. Who? Me: NNNN?E.R : Oh her.Awkward silence.Me: Did you bring your appointment card?E.R : Mind your own business, young man
Me : Are you too warm, would you like me to open your window a little?E.R : The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he's a darkie. Me: Is that a problem?E.R : Yes. I should very much think that it is.Me : We're nearly there.
E.R : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU BLACK BASTARD!Me: Oh god, I'm sorry. She's...you know. Look, sorry.(I drag E.R to nearest seat)Me: Look, I think that was very offensive. Please don't do that again!E.R : Get stuffed.
E.R : Where's XXXX (eldest sister)?
and we go around again. Roll on this year's visit.
― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:15 (twenty years ago) link
― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:37 (twenty years ago) link
― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:44 (twenty years ago) link
― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:46 (twenty years ago) link
― Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:47 (twenty years ago) link
― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:55 (twenty years ago) link
― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:56 (twenty years ago) link
:(
― hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:05 (twenty years ago) link
― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:09 (twenty years ago) link
― hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:25 (twenty years ago) link
once went to my uncle's pub for a family/local alcoholics xmas get tohether. about 2/3rds of the folks in there started a churus of 'Who Let The Wogs Out'.
― matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:34 (twenty years ago) link
― hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:38 (twenty years ago) link
By this time I'm attempting to disappear into my seat.
He then turns to a black girl across the carriage.Uncle: So d'you like that reggae music then doll?Me: This is my stop!
― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:39 (twenty years ago) link
― Aaron A., Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:53 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:56 (twenty years ago) link
there was silence then for the next hour. Sometimes I really don't like my father.
― sunjammerr, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:00 (twenty years ago) link
― mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:10 (twenty years ago) link
― matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:11 (twenty years ago) link
dad caught me on the couch with a girl one school lunchtime and the next day he put a heavy hand on my shoulder as i was trying to make a sandwich and i thought
please no
and he said i just have to say one thing
please im thinking please dont start into some fuzzy when two people love each other shite im fifteen and its the ninet-
fiercely, into my ear: you dont have to come in her to make her pregnant
and hes gone, like the fuckin batman of shockingly undadlike filth, leaving me catatonic over a slice of white pan
― ~mine own~ bitcoin (darraghmac), Thursday, 14 March 2019 23:33 (five years ago) link