Dear Abbott

Dear estelaxing damsel,

Many thanks and happy returns.

Abbott

aww yay abbott! i'm glad it's going a bit more smoothly. plz post pics when you find your dress.

xxx rr

dear abbott,
that is great abt the aveda spa and helpful friends who want to do nice things for you. also, hi :)
rrr

I like that you called Shakey "Mr. Mo Collier"!

Dear A. B. Bott,

What took you so long?

Dear The Reverend,

Magic! Nothing can stand in our way. You have to believe it was magic.

Dear Abbott,

What is this thread Abbott?

W.E.S.

Dear Abbott,

Keep on rocking in the free world. We need you.

I'm in a mood to be answering shit.

You have a lot to answer for.

dear abbott, when will you update your blog? and åre you going to upload the pic of you when you were 390lbs?

you may not actually ever have been 390lbs - that sounds kinda big but I'm from UK

Dear cozwmmwkvnbzen,

I updated it today. (I haven't had the internet for over a week.) And I only weighed 190! If someone can think of a reason why I should post a pic, I straight up will.

For some reason I can't get my Animal Crossing wi-fi to work, but my husband's does, if you want to get some foreign fruit or a Nookington's or something.

190 lbs = 86 kg

Abbott -

Do you enjoy using the word 'husband' now that you are married?

I think it is a wonderful & beautiful word.

xo
Elmo

Dear Abbott,

Do you know anything about kangaroo pouches? I figure they must be really, really gross inside, but maybe not. What do you think?

dear abbott,

have your nupitals finally crushed the spirit of poster deeznuts? i have not seen him around lately.

dear Abbott,

did you end up reading a bunch of funny books that time you asked ilx to recommend you some funny books? if so, what were they?

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

I very much enjoy calling him by that title. "Husband" is a great word, as you say. "Wife" is only decent, and "Wifey" is the vilest word, as it shares the title of an abominable novel that I read in one angered sitting.

Dearest nabisco,

The pouch is actually pretty clean, but only because all the grossness and goo and 'secretions' from baby are licked up, frequently, by the mama 'roo. Her tits are in the pouch – how modest and chaste a creature. The baby comes out of a birth canal (vagina) unconnected to the pouch, and the little pink, shrimp-sized, eyeless baby CRAWLS all the way up into he pouch, where it develops from there, peeing and pooping and drinking milk all day.

Dearest Ms. Labs,

That man is a mystery to me.

Dearest horseshoe,

Many of the books in which I was most interested were not available at my local library. I read Lorrie Moore's Who Will Run the Frog Hospital?, which I really loved. I plan to read more of her books.

aw i love that book! she is the best. i think maybe Birds of America is the best Lorrie Moore, but i am very fond of Anagrams. sometimes the phrase "the nun of that" comes into my head randomly and won't go away.

thanks for your prompt reply!

lorrie moore is dope, i listened to some of her stories in the car on the drive across the country and actually loled a couple times

Dear Abbott,

Is there any way to train yourself to need less and less sleep? I would like to watch comedies on BBC iplayer on a laptop in bed till the small hours and still be able to string a sentence together.

Yours fuzzily

Ljubljana

(i know i'm not Abbott but i've been watching tv on my laptop as i fall asleep lately and i kind of think it's destroying my life.)

Dear Abbott

... and not destroy my life in other ways I may not have thought of despite still being able to string a sentence together.

L.

Dear Horseshoe

I will be done for if iplayer does re-runs of the House of Tiny Tearaways, to which I was shamefully addicted. That would be worth destroying my life for at least for a six-week run.

Dear Abbott,

How many people need to be on a bus in order for loud swearing to be considered inappropriate?

If a bum's pants fall down on the bus and he seems incapable of pulling them up, who's responsible for concealing his shame from any nearby children? (based on a true story)

If a homeless disabled guy loudly uses a certain racial epithet while demanding to be given a seat on the bus, should he be given a seat anyway? or are the passengers justified in forcibly kicking his ass off the bus? (also a true story!)

If two junkies on the bus are arguing about whether or not Lou Reed was in Black Sabbath, should I bother correcting them?

Yours,
Shakey Mo Collier

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

Loud swearing isn't appropriate on the bus. You can definitely pull off quiet swearing ('indoor voice') if the din of other passengers cancels it out.

The bum's slovenly & immodest ways bring to mind the bystander effect. Except I think a lot more people would be willing to stop a rape or perform CPR or help a person with a seizure than touch the pants/loins of a bum. I think a way to solve this problem would be to alert the bus driver, who would handily solve the problem for you. If you live in a place where you can't talk to bus drivers, I think an able-bodied male should step in and keep the rest of the passengers from being scarred by junk on the bus.

I think homeless disabled buys should be given a fair amount of leeway. If the racial epithet was clearly directed at a specific person or group of people on the bus, then he should be told he'll have to wait for the next bus until he learns that's not City Bus language. If he just seems to be loudly using it, out of context, I think he should be allowed on the bus but sternly reprimanded.

Junkies arguing about Lou Reed's history should never be corrected. 1. That shit is hilarious to overhear and can escalate to even better levels when left alone. 2. If you correct them, they'll start having a conversation with you that will be difficult to get out of.

Bonus tip: If you are reading comics with lots of nudity and a second-grader sits next to you, it is time to put the comic away.

Yours from the bus,

Abbott

junkies arguing about lou reed is some meta shit

did I mention they were on there way back home from the methadone clinic

Maybe "Satellite of Love" was playing on the methadone clinic muzaks.

Dear Abbott,

A friend of mine recently insisted that Mormon missionaries are not permitted to cross bodies of water (lakes, bridges, rivers, etc.) while on their missions. Is he making shit up (again) or does this purported
prohibition have some typically wacky root in Mormon theology?

thanks,
Shaky

hey I can't even snig my name

I have seen Mormons in places other than Utah, so I'm assuming that some bodies of water must have been crossed at one point.

Mormon missionaries even.

"while on their missions" = specific subset come on man!

well couldn't a mormon so conflicted just be like ok I'm not doing any missioning for the next ten minutes and then ford the river and go back to work once they were across

Dearest Mr. Mo Collier,

Your friend was in the general area but not really even the correct zip code. It would be basically impossible to not be able to cross bodies of water. I mean – ???

BUT: missionaries aren't allowed to go SWIMMING while on their mission, in swimming pools or bodies of water. This comes from Doctrine & Covenants ch. 61, verses 14-15:

14. Behold, I, the Lord in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

15. Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh will be safe upon the water.

So they're kind of hedging their bets by not letting missionaries swim.

(BTW, D&C 61 is one of the many hilarious D&C chapterswherein the voice of god calls out one of the 40 or so members of the early church by name and says, "Seriously, quit whining about your cow, Mrs. Woman" or, "No, seriously, you need to give the church ALL your property Mr. Guy."

In D&C 25, God sends Joseph Smith a revelation directed at his wife, Emma Smith:

5. And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness.

I mean that is pretty damn bold, writing your own scriptures to tell your wife she's being too brassy!

Always thinking Dilation and Curettage whenever I see "D&C".

Hey guys I am in an answering mood.

What is the natural order of the sciences?

what should i try to draw for this show poster i am trying to make? i'm better at drawing objects than animals or people

the people on the chicago thread suggested a van. my van that i am drawing looks kind of retarded. is a retarded van good for a show poster?

Dear Abbott,

Why has my friend not been online for 10 days?

LG

"short van". xp

Dear Abbot,

I have to come up with a two word phrase to be printed on a t-shirt that has a guitar! and lightning bolts! and storm clouds! What words go there? Maybe a pun.

Looking forward to your snappy answer to my stupid question,
Elmo

Dear n/a,

I find cars difficult to draw, so that may be a reason I love illustrations of retarded vehicles of all stripe. If you're still reluctant to show yr retarded van pride to the world, I recommend: a safe, a cute UFO, a lay-z-boy chair, a windmill, or the moon getting punched by Uncle Sam (I did a band poster w/that once, you are free to use it). I would like to see your retarded van.

Yours,

retarded Abbott-van

Dear Mr. Garda,

They're probably too cold to be sitting by a computer, as it's hard to type while wearing gloves or mittens. That is the first hypothesis I came up with. Others can be provided if you like.

Yours in the cold,

Abbott

this van isn't actually turning out too bad

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

The t-shirt should read
SEXY/TOUGH
.

That idea came from my dog, who constantly tries to get me to acknowledge that he is "sexytough." No way am I saying that about a dog. If you want an answer from me and not my dog, assuming sexy/tough is a bit much, I will help if requested.

Yours in screenprinting adventures,

Abbott

dear abbott,

do you think it's a good idea for you to be a sitewide mod since you're overly sensitive (ie: crying at cankles' lol posts) and post batshit overly personal things about yourself?

-ages