ASK KARL MALONE

Lingbert, Karl Malone doesn't get sad, he gets violently angry. The night after the Rodman/Hulkster debacle, I vandalized a village in northwestern Idaho. I went to rob their liquor store but it was closed, so I sat out front, waiting for someone to try to tell me what to do. Everyone was in bed so I lit a stink bomb by the Post Office and left tire marks all over their brand new rural route.

Negotiable, my style has changed quite a bit in recent years.

In the past, when Karl Malone arrivd at a social function, he was the portrait of sophistication: tip-top from head to toe, charming in tone and demeanor, confidently maneuvering his way from conversation to conversation. Until, that is, he came across one debating the merits of Swiss watches. Or the lasting effects of Fauvism. Or Shanghainese architecture. With nothing to say, Karl Malone retreated like a shrinking violet.

Now I just stay at home most of the time. So yeah, I'd say I'm the Ivan Lendl of the hardwood.

http://i35.tinypic.com/2mx1t02.jpg

Eman, this is touchy territory. I want people to know that Karl Malone respects the religious beliefs of all people in the world. But let this be clear - Karl Malone would wipe the floor with any god, crush them up like cheap paper, glue them onto the wall as part of his dead god art installation, and then answer the former god's mail as if he were the god, fooling the followers into thinking that their god was still alive and paying attention when in fact Karl Malone is just playing basketball and goofing off.

Hey, Karl Malone, remember me and my family from Firth, Idaho, in like '91? REMEMBER?

Tell me everything you remember about that day.

Hey Karl Malone, why Utah?

karl malone,

is fatherhood really that important? i got a situation.

Abbott,

I remember that day like the back of my hand. There were buildings on the left and right, and I distinctly remember exiting a motor vehicle within a few hours of seeing you and your family. As I entered the town, I said to myself "Firth, what's it worth? ha ha. Sounds like a guy with a lisp named this city!" But what I remember the most about that day was your weird little girl eye contact. I don't know why little girls always have to make it weird like that.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone,

Why does James Brown yell your name several times during "The Funky Drummer?"

Tremendoid,

Do you know what the most effective way is to reduce your carbon footprint? Don't have any children. Fatherhood is important, in the same way that SARS is important. It's dangerous!

B.L.A.M., You've gotta be kidding me. I am going to sue his ass. Only basketball fans and people I am making hot can yell my names several during that song.

Why does it look like you have a slice of bologna on your head?

Steve Shasta,

check this out

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/karlmalone.gif

Why haven't UPS come with my delivery after almost 2 weeks?

― Girlfriend, you've been scooped like ice cream (mehlt), Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:34 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Nevermind, it came today (on a sunday, too!) Postal service: swish!

Dear Karl from the Jazz,

Is it true what the hataz say that you ain't shit without John Stockton?

karl,

does it piss you off that barkley gets to do t-mobile commercials, while people sort of forget about you?

Reverend,

I present two pictures which will prove that I am shit without John Stockton.

http://i33.tinypic.com/2lbnqx2.jpg

I ask the hataz, in the above picture, where is John Stockton? That's right, he isn't in the frame because he wasn't there that day. He was at home hugging his dying grandma and doing charity work.

http://i38.tinypic.com/hukphz.jpg

Again, check out my high flying dunking action. You may ask, "But isn't it likely that John Stockton made an incredible pass to you in the seconds before this awesome posterworthy picture was taken?" No, he did not pass it to me just before. I was there and he did not.

Tehresa, you've gotta be kidding me. Charles Barkley "gets" to do T-Mobile commercials? Charles Barkley has to do T-Mobile commercials in order to stay out of prison. It's a long story that we don't need to go into here, but let's just say I'm really glad to be unaffiliated with T-Mobile and their weird prison blackmail scheme.

Dear Karl Malone,
Are you a fan of chronically underappreciated jazz/funk musician Edwin Birdsong?

Forks, I only listen to 2 Unlimited, Tag Team, Black Box, 69 Boyz, K7, Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, C&C Music Factory, Naughty by Nature, M/A/R/R/S, Snap!, EMF, Village People, Technotronic, and Gary Glitter.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

karl,

would you care to include living colour in that group?

t

Tehresa, I don't see Living Colour in my CD collection, do you? Let me check. Nope, not on 1, not on 2. Not on 3, 4 or 5. And not on my homemade best of Jock Jams compilation, either. So no, I would not care include Living Colour in that group.

Dear Karl Malone,
Has Gary Glitter's history of sexually abusing young children made you more or less keen on his music?

karl,

can you post to sendspace your jock jams comp?

thanks,

The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics, when I was a little boy I used to sit out in the backyard with my great uncle Robert. He told me about the great leaders of the past - Nero, Pasha, Henry VIII, Merlin. One thing they all had in common was that they all gained popular support by sexually abusing young children, and lost it when they moved on to other endeavors. And that is why Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had.

Harbl, here is a three track sampler:

Track one:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kob7x8

Track two:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/8j378t

Track three:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/jls2o4

karl,

you say "Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had." this leads me to believe (1) you don't know what country you're in, or (2) you don't know what country gary glitter is from. which is it? prove you are the real karl malone based on how much you know about gary glitter.

Harbl, you have neglected to consider (3) I have amnesia! Whoa, what happened?

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, what kind of lifting regimen should a beginner use in the gym?

Viceroy, your first task is always to find out where the ladies are in the gym. Their location determines your workout. If they are running around a track, I recommend running backward alongside them. This way, you can work out your calves and also make offers to race. If they accept your offer to race, try to beat them while hopping backwards on one leg only. They love that. No matter where the ladies are, make sure you take your shirt off, or if you must wear a shirt, wear a U-shaped shirt like in the picture above. One more thing - when you lift, you should lie about how heavy the weights are. For example, if you are lifting 150-pound weights, announce that they weigh 300 pounds, and keep reminding all the ladies around you. Keep a running tally after every lift: "That's 300 pounds I've lifted...that's 600 pounds I've lifted, 900 pounds..." When you can switch the unit to tons, do so, but weight until you've lifted at least 3 tons cumulatively. If you can make it to 12 tons, that's good for announcing. "A dozen tons, that's how much I've lifted ladies".

karl malone, my girlfriend wants to know "who you are"

Negotiable, I commissioned the following professional video to answer that very question:

I am also working on a screenplay.

thx mailman! she's suitably impressed.

Karl Malone,

Why do cats like to get into boxes but dogs do not?

Dear Karl Mo,

What is your screenplay about?

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

Reverend,

Dawn, February, 1973
A runway, New York City, United States, Earth, Milky Way

(Dog in expensive makeup enters from left. Her name is Chanel. The crackling radio plays Debussy.)

CHANEL: Where are my boots? Where are my expensive boots that I wear on Wednesdays?

(Assistant walks in from right. He has a blackeye. His name is Franz.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! They were here last night when we retired, I-

CHANEL: -You've disappointed me for the last time, Franz.

(Chanel pulls out a laser gun, aims at Franz's head. Franz begins to weep.)

FRANZ: I am so sorry, Chanel! I am so sorry!

(Chanel fires a laser beam two inches above Franz's head. It rebounds off of a mirror and disappears offscreen.)

FRANZ: Wha..? Wha..?

CHANEL: Your wardrobe is destroyed. Good day.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

karl malone,
do you really believe that hardees fried chicken is better than KFC's?

Karl, I have two questions:

1) Would John Stockton have been greater than Jordan if he wore longer shorts?
2) What would you do if Sir Charles got up in your area and told you to "SHUT UP AND JAM!"?

Karl, Karl, karl..............get over it. Your friend, Sissy.

http://www.horrorstew.com/images/Carrie.jpg

dear karl malone, a friend is coming into town. how many games would you recommend that we bowl?

6335, to be perfectly honest with you, the Mailman is a big dude now, so I can do some damage to some fried chicken. That's why I'm in Hardee's fried chicken now. Do you know how big their pieces are? Look at them! Big, crispy and juicy - now that's what I call a piece of chicken. KFC's little ol' breast pieces can't touch this!

King Boy Pato,

1) Are you kidding? John Stockton was and still is greater than Michael Jordan. I'm pretty sure no one would disagree with that.

2) As I mentioned earlier, Barkley's round mound draws away all the attention when we tango. I don't even remember me and him talking about anything except for that.

csa, I am sick of you bringing up dark chapters of my life. Besides, I thought Sissy was dead. Wait, Sissy was dead! Shit, Karl Malone has serious problems with the undead now, and he's all out of healing items.

Kamerad, whenever someone asks me how many games they should bowl when their friend gets into town, I always recommend bowling continuously until everyone gets cranky and starts to argue with each other. Only when your friendship is in severe jeopardy will you truly learn how good of a bowler you can be.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Hey Karl,

Do you do any outdoor training in the hot summer months?

Yours,

Abbott

http://www.barrylutz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kmalone.gif

Abbott,

Start by doing 300 reps of this exercise every morning. I'll give you more deets later.

NNMPH!

Z S,

Who told you to answer Karl Malone's question? 300 reps of the one-armed-pancake dance? In your dreams. That's ridiculous.

Abbott,

Here is the best advice in the world on physical fitness: "Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity."

You know who said that? I DID. Karl Malone invented that thought. Let me break it down for you: if you don't work out everyday, outside, you're a dumbass. I have never met a creative person who did not work out earlier that day, outside. Here are some more of my quotes:

"I just realized that not only early in my career but, if I was going to play longer, guys foul you when they get tired.

I just think we want to stay healthy, and I don't think we think about a sense of urgency. We realize how old we are, we realize we've been playing this game for a long time, but you know what? We're not done yet.

I think we're a deeper team, a better team, we still have work to do... nothing is guaranteed, but hopefully we got the mentality to play on the road, and we're starting to get our home thing back in order now-if we can do that we'll be just fine."

Now, how could I say these things without training outside? That's right, it would be impossible. Now get your ass outside and start lifting.

if i can figure this out i will attempt to do a marble madness marathon later, i just want to confirm that the audio isn't completely fucked up first

karl malone, i see u

oh nice! i see you! i feel weird.

brb putting hall and Oates on loop gotta get the mood right

It's working well! Audio/visual

Did you JUST shut it off?

sweet, it appears to work. yeah, i'm going to be back at 7pm EST (an hour from now) to play for real. gotta walk the dog and get a bite to eat.

my plan is to play marble madness over and over and gradually get my mad skillz back. i used to be good, but that with a real NES and a real controller. now i'm using an emulator and my cheap mac controller is really laggy - makes it difficult to play twitchy (pun intended) games like marble madness, but whatever.

might be back earlier if i can run my errands more quickly! brb

Is that your one game of expertise or is that just how... you're getting the ball rolling (with streaming on twitch)?

I have all the NES and snes games, so I can do any of those. I should do SMB3 instead when I get back!

Plus I can still play SMB3 relatively well, even with controller lag

ive considered twitch before it seems like it wld be fun but i spend a lot of time yelling expletives at the screen and that prob doesnt make compelling watching

There is a PACKAGE THIEF in my neighborhood rockin’ the MAILMAN jersey!

Cc: @UniWatch pic.twitter.com/fopFPdN5gH

— Cracker McJackson (@wwpky) April 5, 2018

Marble madness is so good

have you ever played crystallion: the return trip?

Haha, no...sadly all I’ve done is watch some footage of knights of crystallion. Looks like a real adventure!

btw mookie that wasn’t me. It was...wait for it...

...Ross I’m reminded that I haven’t evb played marble madness since around the time of that post a couple years ago. God I love that game. But I’ll never be a speedrunning champ. There are little tricks that I didn’t know about (like glitching through walls at a certain pixel) that are essential to even come close, and I can’t do it...

...Post Malone

Dude if you’re ever in my hood I got the nes here, we could reign supreme

13th pick in the 1985 draft ✅
2x MVP ✅
14x All-Star ✅
11x All-NBA First Team ✅
2x Olympic gold medalist ✅
2nd all-time @NBA points leader ✅
2nd all-time in minutes played ✅
32 retired in the rafters ✅

Happy birthday to the one and only Karl Malone 📬❤️ pic.twitter.com/4hMfOXBvx2

— Utah Jazz (@utahjazz) July 24, 2018

that day I killed all those people in the rafters...I thought no one found out

Breaking News: I will be going by my legal name “Zack” instead of my stage name “Zach”..... everyone continue to breath normally... #beenlivingalie #birthcertfail

— Zack Britton (@zbritton) February 7, 2019

w...t....f

better than caveman zak, i guess

Can I just say how much I still enjoy this video?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noc0_fZcKno