I'm sad

calling doctor-y people is the WORST when you are depressed/anxious. when i had to make a dentist appointment after years of not going, i ended up programming the number in my cell, driving around town doing errands and psyching myself up, and then making the call from a sears parking lot. that way, when it was done, i felt like i could just "drive away" from it, like any other errand.

but if you have someone in your life you trust, there's nothing wrong with asking them to make the call for you. then it's just a matter of going on the day and time they tell you. i wouldn't have gone to talk therapy in my early twenties if my parents hadn't intervened that way.

ZS, what is the reason you're so afraid of seeing the doctor?

Feel like I'm disintegrating.

Think of
my glory and be
heAled

He, Aled? Like, Aled Jones? I'm not sure that's going to help me right now.

I've been in this constant flux of disintegration and reintegration for months, so I feel you. It's exhausting. I haven't had face-to-face contact with anyone who wasn't selling me food for almost two weeks now. Which feels sorta necessary but which I also know is just making the problem worse. I'm just trying to figure out how to pull it all together after a year that kicked my ass in almost every conceivable way a year can kick one's ass.

At any rate: I feel you, emil.y. Sometimes it helps at least a little to know you aren't the only one, y'know?

It helps sometimes, yeah. Not always, mind you. But I definitely get where you're coming from with not seeing anyone - it doesn't help that I'm a postgrad so I can just stay at home to work whenever I want. And when I'm feeling bad, that's literally all the time. I've been over two weeks without leaving the house before. For all my dissatisfaction with CBT, I think that practical thing of 'just train yourself to go outside once a day' is actually useful.

I haven't had face-to-face contact with anyone who wasn't selling me food

haha yes. the only words i've spoken aloud today were 'that's okay, i don't need the bread'

oh man, i remember those days. I think I'd have fake conversations with myself just to "practice"

cried for like 10 mins tuesday. no idea why. kinda gettin there again, maybe.

Emily, did you ever get that thyroid test you talked about earlier?

Yeah, I did. It came back with no problems related to that. Which was pretty gutting, to be honest. I was really hoping that it'd be something so simple. But instead it's just my fucking brain wanting to self-destruct.

A little sad. Feeling stuck in what amounts to an entire worldview based on fear. It's a little sad to see for yourself all of a sudden how all the ways in which you've defined yourself are colored by the same need for approval and fear of rejection. You can see it but you dont know how to change it. Some days are better than others i guess.

Dont know what you're going through emily but i value your presence here as im sure many others do, if only for the dignity you bring to threads like these.

positive vibes for y'all, homies <3

cried for like 10 mins tuesday. no idea why.

Yeah, this has been happening with some frequency of late. Not really a sad crying, but just emotive. Swells of overwhelming emotion. Everything seems to be setting me off. When I saw Tree of Life earlier this week (which I seem to be mentioning in every thread on the board), I basically kinda broke down for two solid hours. I was messssssed up.

I don't think any of this is necessarily a bad thing. I've a lot of pent-up stuff that I've actively put off dealing with properly for a while, so...I guess I'm dealing with it now.

And I think that's kinda what has distinguished this last little stretch from past moments of outright depression. I feel like I'm doing some much-needed maintenance on myself, preparing myself for new phases of life and whatnot. It isn't pretty, but it needs to be done and I think it's going to ultimately be constructive if I don't get too stuck inside myself.

emily dont you have a person to confide in and get hugged at

So, today wasn't that great, decided to get on a bus to the end of it's route just coz (it was a bloody long journey)...but anyway, I found a parcel had been left outside my house for some completely different address, only the door number was correct and the the first 2 letters of the road...so, I thought I know, it's a sign to do a goo deed, instead of just phoning the delivery company for them to take it back, I'll hand deliver the parcel, plus I'll get some exercise on the way...I kinda knew no one would be in, and they weren't, and it was just a wasted journey, and then I went to sit on a bench in the park but it started raining...and now I can't be bothered to phone the delivery company. Ha, anyway, I don't know why I'm typing all this, I just know that I am in a pretty bad funk (I wish I was in a bad funk band), and all the things that I could do to get out of it seem pretty much undoable (undoable didn't get spell checked, that's weird)...so, yeah sadness, it's a drag and it's distorting and pretty draining. So, if you're sad, I hope you get through it.

Take heart jel I love yor pancreas!!!!

i am also kind of a sad dude lately so it is nice to know i'm not alone

I've been having the same quasi-existential crisis for like 2 yrs where I am 23 and I've never had a boyfriend and I fluctuate btwn being just mildly lonely and OK with having really solid friends and, you know, "fun on the side" and all that and then being super-sad and introspective and questioning what is wrong with me that I've still gotten nowhere, really. And of course it comes down to, yes, in all likelihood I WILL have a partner of some sort at some point; I'm not being irrational and whining abt how I'm going to be lonely forever or some shit. But it really hasn't helped make the last 2 years or the next who the fuck knows how long any less sore bcz I am sick of waiting and having to keep waiting and just want someone to make stupid jokes with and cook breakfast for and be emotionally naked in front of all that stupid sappy indie-rom-com type horseshit. And, of course, the more I question these things the more all these deep-seated self-conscious insecurities bubble to the surface and "What IS wrong with me?" and ugh, yucky spiral.

I mean I've actually been pretty alright the past few months bcz I mean there are a few friend-plus's that I can share a certain level of intimacy with, but I just met/hung out with this most amazing dude ever who seems so perfect in every way (queer, activisty, bikey, tats/piercings, beard, absurdly hot, awesome smile, open minded, likes good beer, earnestly says things like "you're a rad dude") and I'm super in <3 w/ him but I don't think he reciprocates, and it just set off this whole saddo thing all over again.

So anyway, I don't even know where I'm going with this bcz I've heard all the advice a million times over and I've already bitched about this a million times over (on like 10 diff threads I'm sure) and rehashing all of it is terribly self-indulgent but I guess it just helps to vent.

Well, take heart, Stevie, insofar as you haven't gotten to that place of finding someone to make jokes and cook breakfast with and be emotionally naked in front of to the point of relaxing into what you thought was going to be maybe THE BIG ONE only to have the rug totally pulled out from under you, followed by trying to figure out how to move forward from there or if it's even worth putting any effort into. Because from my perspective, I envy your desire for those things that you desire. Because I don't desire them at all anymore. And that makes me sad. And it makes all of this artifice that we prop up to amuse and distract us on our slow trip to the grave just a little more muted and transparent for me now.

Yeah, I really am just a barrel of laughs to be around these days, it's true!

I'm the worst

simply beyond the pale

by any means necessary

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/349/makeme.jpg

earnestly says things like "you're a rad dude"

lol

My friend died suddenly last night, massive stroke. Shocked, definitely sad.

Oh Zora I'm sorry. What a horrible shock.

:(

That's very sad, Zora. I'm sorry.

Thanks guys. So totally out of the blue, and he was a really great bloke. His name was Colin Harvey, he wrote a book called Damage Time and he always made me laugh.

<3<3

I'm really, really sorry to hear about this.

i just found out that my ex has a new boyfriend. i didn't realize i still subscribed to her flicker account rss feed, and up pops a picture of them.

i know this shouldn't affect me so much. i moved on a long time ago, i've been seeing a girl off and on, etc. but seeing that picture of them really close, that look in her eye and smile, it really hurts. i couldn't make her smile like that for the last year or two we were together. it's something beyond just the facial muscles that you can see in the eyes.

anyway, don't bother responding or consoling, i already know the advice (the fact that i couldn't make her smile like that anymore was a sign that something had gone terribly wrong), and i knew this moment would come at some point. it's been 3 months since we broke up. but i'm just...posting this. for some reason. and drinking. a lot.

in the background of the picture is my old bedroom

i guess i'm just really glad i don't know him. it would be hundred times worse if i knew him.

<3

oh man, i'm sorry. even when you rationally know better, some shit always hurts.

yes. <3

you unsubscribed from her flikr rss feed immediately afterwards, right?

yeah

yeah i think social network sites/current state of the internet = bad in that sense. when i encounter stuff like that one part of me is like 'oh here's a great opportunity to get past jealousy in a pure way and just wish the best for someone that i ostensibly care about' but the other part of me is like 'well, they look happy enough now, but they will be as unhappy as the rest of us in due time'

which is fucked, but i have a lot of growing up to do.

good - that's pretty much the only advice i'd give you.

Apart from: ime months 3 - 6 post break-up are the worst.

Ooofffff. Justified pain.

again my shocking lack of lifecycle relationship experience maturity slaps me in the face. meaning that somehow i'm 28 and this is the first time that someone i really cared about has moved on to someone else.

turns out it blows!

3 months is really, really not long after an LTR either.

plenty of people don't have this experience until they're a lot older than you are, or by the time they have it, it's been at least a decade since they last experienced it

yeah zs i still think about people that are years and years ago here and again. i guess the best thing is to think of how it was fortunate to make that connection with someone for a point in time. 'cos all things considered it's a blessing and kind of amazing for two people to meet like that and so forth (talking aloud to myself... realize you specifically anti-requested advice)

ime the good news here is that this is both as bad as it gets and the beginning of the last stage of a serious breakup.