I'm sad

I need advice for a close friend of mine...I am sad for her, and she is very, very, very sad.

How do you help someone who is addicted to 'fixing' people?

My friend is going through some terrible family traumas right now: her brother committed suicide off a hiking trail a year ago and they just found his body; her nephew committed suicide a month ago; and now her sister in-law, the wife of the brother who committed suicide, well her father died just days ago...and they're having the brother's funeral this weekend so it's just death upon death upon death.

She's been hanging in there so hard, she went to therapy to work through some of her family issues (her brother's suicide brought up a lot of stuff from her childhood that she had forgotten)...I don't think she's doing therapy any more, I think that was only a few months for the trauma after her brother's suicide.

But in talking to her these last days, she's just so depressed because she can't fix anyone's problems. All of these people in her life are either dying or losing people they love and all she wants to do is fix it...and I'm worried now that she's going to spiral because she can't find an outlet for her need to 'fix'.

She's a great mother and a good friend but she definitely has an obsessive need to 'fix'. And I keep talking her through it all, trying to gently remind her that she should fix actual material things, and house projects and stuff like that, and give more than her usual amount of attention to herself, because in this case it's not selfish...this is something she needs for herself, she needs to turn that desire to fix in on itself and use it to help her see her way through this, so she can support the people she loves without wanting to make their problems go away.

I guess there's not a lot more I can do here, aside from what I am trying to do...but I just feel so sad FOR her. It's so hard to watch, because she works SO hard to appear positive to everyone that watching her crack behind the smile is just heartbreaking. And i'm afraid if she pushes that facade too hard she'll just collapse.

this may be totally off-base but it sounds familiar -- and from what i know of people close to me who have similar and overwhelming caretaking / 'fixing' reflexes -- it could be that she is feeling the residual effects of being a 'parentified' child. if she was called on as a child to serve the functional, material or emotional needs of her parent(s) or other siblings, it's going to seriously effect her ability to prioritize her own needs, especially now. the things i could think of to express to her are: she does not need to assume that responsibility; she is just as affected by these tragedies as those around her; she deserves and needs to take care of herself.

again, this is largely informed by my own experience so it may not necessarily apply. but my sympathies go out to your friend and to you as well.

Thank you elmo --- you're actually spot on, she had a pretty messed up childhood and was sort of the surrogate Mom to her siblings at an early age, and I hadn't put that together with all of this now...makes total sense. I'll definitely hone in on trying to reinforce those points you've made, that seems 100% the right approach here.

Thanks for the clarity!!

In conclusion, boundaries boundaries boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries boundaries. Boundaries...boundaries. And boundaries.

oh i'm glad i could be of some small help, VG. parentification, aside from being an extremely awkward word, is a really tough thing to endure in terms of a person's emotional development. if she's willing to go back into therapy it's something she may want to look at. good luck to you both!

thanks again, elmo. check's in the mail :D

torn between reviving this or i'm drunk
both apply
finally got a referral to go to see someone who will give me pills, but i've been afraid to call him to set up an appointment
was it spinoza that thought if there was a god, it wouldn't have any sort of sympathy to humans because it would be so infinitely superior? i always think of god-games like civilization, and the times when i have lorded over these civs, and how easily i just deleted their savefiles, and how similar that might be to a hypothetical god who would be very interested in the problems of earth's people until she or he got bored and floated away

do you think your savefiles are waiting for you to un-delete them?

possibly! but really, they'll never be open again with reinterest. alexander, saladin and einstein v 1.0 were cool, but alexander, saladin and einstein v.2.0 are more interesting

be open again

druuuuuunk, i'm saad

which one do you feel most akin to?

marble madness

would you wear a t-shirt for a brand of detergent?

http://www.idgonemad.net/ugh-hole!.JPGhttp://www.idgonemad.net/ugh-hole!.JPG
FUCK

http://i56.tinypic.com/15himmr.jpg

do you think she uses Gain?

I know it is scary to make the call (esp after your last completely mindmeltingly WTF dr) but this is something I know you can do:
http://library.thinkquest.org/J001709/thinkquest_values/make_call/make_call1.gif

Being sad sucks & is draining but at least it lends an aesthetic standard to things sometimes? "This is the best song because it is sad."

calling doctor-y people is the WORST when you are depressed/anxious. when i had to make a dentist appointment after years of not going, i ended up programming the number in my cell, driving around town doing errands and psyching myself up, and then making the call from a sears parking lot. that way, when it was done, i felt like i could just "drive away" from it, like any other errand.

but if you have someone in your life you trust, there's nothing wrong with asking them to make the call for you. then it's just a matter of going on the day and time they tell you. i wouldn't have gone to talk therapy in my early twenties if my parents hadn't intervened that way.

ZS, what is the reason you're so afraid of seeing the doctor?

Feel like I'm disintegrating.

Think of
my glory and be
heAled

He, Aled? Like, Aled Jones? I'm not sure that's going to help me right now.

I've been in this constant flux of disintegration and reintegration for months, so I feel you. It's exhausting. I haven't had face-to-face contact with anyone who wasn't selling me food for almost two weeks now. Which feels sorta necessary but which I also know is just making the problem worse. I'm just trying to figure out how to pull it all together after a year that kicked my ass in almost every conceivable way a year can kick one's ass.

At any rate: I feel you, emil.y. Sometimes it helps at least a little to know you aren't the only one, y'know?

It helps sometimes, yeah. Not always, mind you. But I definitely get where you're coming from with not seeing anyone - it doesn't help that I'm a postgrad so I can just stay at home to work whenever I want. And when I'm feeling bad, that's literally all the time. I've been over two weeks without leaving the house before. For all my dissatisfaction with CBT, I think that practical thing of 'just train yourself to go outside once a day' is actually useful.

I haven't had face-to-face contact with anyone who wasn't selling me food

haha yes. the only words i've spoken aloud today were 'that's okay, i don't need the bread'

oh man, i remember those days. I think I'd have fake conversations with myself just to "practice"

cried for like 10 mins tuesday. no idea why. kinda gettin there again, maybe.

Emily, did you ever get that thyroid test you talked about earlier?

Yeah, I did. It came back with no problems related to that. Which was pretty gutting, to be honest. I was really hoping that it'd be something so simple. But instead it's just my fucking brain wanting to self-destruct.

A little sad. Feeling stuck in what amounts to an entire worldview based on fear. It's a little sad to see for yourself all of a sudden how all the ways in which you've defined yourself are colored by the same need for approval and fear of rejection. You can see it but you dont know how to change it. Some days are better than others i guess.

Dont know what you're going through emily but i value your presence here as im sure many others do, if only for the dignity you bring to threads like these.

positive vibes for y'all, homies <3

cried for like 10 mins tuesday. no idea why.

Yeah, this has been happening with some frequency of late. Not really a sad crying, but just emotive. Swells of overwhelming emotion. Everything seems to be setting me off. When I saw Tree of Life earlier this week (which I seem to be mentioning in every thread on the board), I basically kinda broke down for two solid hours. I was messssssed up.

I don't think any of this is necessarily a bad thing. I've a lot of pent-up stuff that I've actively put off dealing with properly for a while, so...I guess I'm dealing with it now.

And I think that's kinda what has distinguished this last little stretch from past moments of outright depression. I feel like I'm doing some much-needed maintenance on myself, preparing myself for new phases of life and whatnot. It isn't pretty, but it needs to be done and I think it's going to ultimately be constructive if I don't get too stuck inside myself.

emily dont you have a person to confide in and get hugged at

So, today wasn't that great, decided to get on a bus to the end of it's route just coz (it was a bloody long journey)...but anyway, I found a parcel had been left outside my house for some completely different address, only the door number was correct and the the first 2 letters of the road...so, I thought I know, it's a sign to do a goo deed, instead of just phoning the delivery company for them to take it back, I'll hand deliver the parcel, plus I'll get some exercise on the way...I kinda knew no one would be in, and they weren't, and it was just a wasted journey, and then I went to sit on a bench in the park but it started raining...and now I can't be bothered to phone the delivery company. Ha, anyway, I don't know why I'm typing all this, I just know that I am in a pretty bad funk (I wish I was in a bad funk band), and all the things that I could do to get out of it seem pretty much undoable (undoable didn't get spell checked, that's weird)...so, yeah sadness, it's a drag and it's distorting and pretty draining. So, if you're sad, I hope you get through it.

Take heart jel I love yor pancreas!!!!

i am also kind of a sad dude lately so it is nice to know i'm not alone

I've been having the same quasi-existential crisis for like 2 yrs where I am 23 and I've never had a boyfriend and I fluctuate btwn being just mildly lonely and OK with having really solid friends and, you know, "fun on the side" and all that and then being super-sad and introspective and questioning what is wrong with me that I've still gotten nowhere, really. And of course it comes down to, yes, in all likelihood I WILL have a partner of some sort at some point; I'm not being irrational and whining abt how I'm going to be lonely forever or some shit. But it really hasn't helped make the last 2 years or the next who the fuck knows how long any less sore bcz I am sick of waiting and having to keep waiting and just want someone to make stupid jokes with and cook breakfast for and be emotionally naked in front of all that stupid sappy indie-rom-com type horseshit. And, of course, the more I question these things the more all these deep-seated self-conscious insecurities bubble to the surface and "What IS wrong with me?" and ugh, yucky spiral.

I mean I've actually been pretty alright the past few months bcz I mean there are a few friend-plus's that I can share a certain level of intimacy with, but I just met/hung out with this most amazing dude ever who seems so perfect in every way (queer, activisty, bikey, tats/piercings, beard, absurdly hot, awesome smile, open minded, likes good beer, earnestly says things like "you're a rad dude") and I'm super in <3 w/ him but I don't think he reciprocates, and it just set off this whole saddo thing all over again.

So anyway, I don't even know where I'm going with this bcz I've heard all the advice a million times over and I've already bitched about this a million times over (on like 10 diff threads I'm sure) and rehashing all of it is terribly self-indulgent but I guess it just helps to vent.

Well, take heart, Stevie, insofar as you haven't gotten to that place of finding someone to make jokes and cook breakfast with and be emotionally naked in front of to the point of relaxing into what you thought was going to be maybe THE BIG ONE only to have the rug totally pulled out from under you, followed by trying to figure out how to move forward from there or if it's even worth putting any effort into. Because from my perspective, I envy your desire for those things that you desire. Because I don't desire them at all anymore. And that makes me sad. And it makes all of this artifice that we prop up to amuse and distract us on our slow trip to the grave just a little more muted and transparent for me now.

Yeah, I really am just a barrel of laughs to be around these days, it's true!

I'm the worst

simply beyond the pale

by any means necessary

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/349/makeme.jpg

earnestly says things like "you're a rad dude"

lol

My friend died suddenly last night, massive stroke. Shocked, definitely sad.

Oh Zora I'm sorry. What a horrible shock.

:(

That's very sad, Zora. I'm sorry.

Thanks guys. So totally out of the blue, and he was a really great bloke. His name was Colin Harvey, he wrote a book called Damage Time and he always made me laugh.

<3<3