Dear Abbott

dear abbott,

where are you?

dn

ABORT RETRY FAIL

retry

heyyyyyyy! ive been posting to ilx like crazy lately & it kinda pissed me off that you werent posting at all.

Dear Abbott

1) who would make the best president, Hillary, Obama, or McCain?

thanks,
your pal Shakey

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

I say GOBAMA. I'm PROBAMA.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear Abbott,

If an Italian guy named Albert was in favor of voting for Barack, where would he live?

Love,

Libby

Dear Abbott

Congratulations on rising to a position of responsiblity over an entire monastery. This is particularly impressive as pictoral evidence would suggest you are of the female persuasion. Do you atribute your success in a traditionally male-dominated field to determination and ability, or simply to a particularly shapeless and concealing robe? And what advice would you offer to a novice monk seeking a similarly exalted position?

Many thanks in advance.

Dear libbypiepoo,

According to this Laffy Taffy wrapper, Ann Selevay of Gary, Ind., says "Anywhere he wants!"

Dear chap,

M.G. Lewis' classic The Monk details that the character Antonia snuck into a monkly monastery position through, yes, a robe that would make several bay windows' worth of drapery. Her fellow monk (and title Monk) was relieved, however, when he found his borderline homoerotic feelings were for a disguised woman.

Unlike in the late 18th century, a woman can easily attain and her own monastery the position with a weekends' worth of wages. A trip to the pet store will land several adorable monks and a spacious cage in which they can perform vespers and swing about incense. I have been told that I am confusing a "monastery" with a "caviary," but these people are incorrect.

Dear Abbott,

Can you loan me a $5 til payday? I'm a bit short and I've only got enough for small Thunderbird and a Colt.

Love,

Libby

Dear libcrypt,

No.

Dear Abbott,

How are things?

Ronan

Dear Ronan,

There's some circumstances. BUT, good things, too: I've planted some tomatoes, and I've been doing some drawing.

Thanks for your kind inquiry,
Chummo Abbott

dear abbott

how is the wedding planning going?

xxx rr

dear abbott,

it is very nice to see you again.

estelaxx

Dear rr,

Hahaha I basically got it all done (to the extent I want/need for now) over the weekend. I talked to my sis-in-law who is brilliant and wunnerful, helping me out. We're just gonna do dress shopping and girly shit up in Boise the weekend before, have me play all the time at her Aveda spa. Everyone I know even kind of is like begging to help me. The original backyard locale kinda got fuzzed but someone I've only met twice was like, "Oh do please use my backyard, it is awesome and big and the neighbs won't mind music and noise." And another friend of a friend is like, "Plz plz let me do photos here is my portfolio." Okay! And all I have to do is the graphic design stuff which is pretty much the main thing I was excited about. Okay!

Thank you for asking,

Abbott

Dear estelaxing damsel,

Many thanks and happy returns.

Abbott

aww yay abbott! i'm glad it's going a bit more smoothly. plz post pics when you find your dress.

xxx rr

dear abbott,
that is great abt the aveda spa and helpful friends who want to do nice things for you. also, hi :)
rrr

I like that you called Shakey "Mr. Mo Collier"!

Dear A. B. Bott,

What took you so long?

Dear The Reverend,

Magic! Nothing can stand in our way. You have to believe it was magic.

Dear Abbott,

What is this thread Abbott?

W.E.S.

Dear Abbott,

Keep on rocking in the free world. We need you.

I'm in a mood to be answering shit.

You have a lot to answer for.

dear abbott, when will you update your blog? and åre you going to upload the pic of you when you were 390lbs?

you may not actually ever have been 390lbs - that sounds kinda big but I'm from UK

Dear cozwmmwkvnbzen,

I updated it today. (I haven't had the internet for over a week.) And I only weighed 190! If someone can think of a reason why I should post a pic, I straight up will.

For some reason I can't get my Animal Crossing wi-fi to work, but my husband's does, if you want to get some foreign fruit or a Nookington's or something.

190 lbs = 86 kg

Abbott -

Do you enjoy using the word 'husband' now that you are married?

I think it is a wonderful & beautiful word.

xo
Elmo

Dear Abbott,

Do you know anything about kangaroo pouches? I figure they must be really, really gross inside, but maybe not. What do you think?

dear abbott,

have your nupitals finally crushed the spirit of poster deeznuts? i have not seen him around lately.

dear Abbott,

did you end up reading a bunch of funny books that time you asked ilx to recommend you some funny books? if so, what were they?

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

I very much enjoy calling him by that title. "Husband" is a great word, as you say. "Wife" is only decent, and "Wifey" is the vilest word, as it shares the title of an abominable novel that I read in one angered sitting.

Dearest nabisco,

The pouch is actually pretty clean, but only because all the grossness and goo and 'secretions' from baby are licked up, frequently, by the mama 'roo. Her tits are in the pouch – how modest and chaste a creature. The baby comes out of a birth canal (vagina) unconnected to the pouch, and the little pink, shrimp-sized, eyeless baby CRAWLS all the way up into he pouch, where it develops from there, peeing and pooping and drinking milk all day.

Dearest Ms. Labs,

That man is a mystery to me.

Dearest horseshoe,

Many of the books in which I was most interested were not available at my local library. I read Lorrie Moore's Who Will Run the Frog Hospital?, which I really loved. I plan to read more of her books.

aw i love that book! she is the best. i think maybe Birds of America is the best Lorrie Moore, but i am very fond of Anagrams. sometimes the phrase "the nun of that" comes into my head randomly and won't go away.

thanks for your prompt reply!

lorrie moore is dope, i listened to some of her stories in the car on the drive across the country and actually loled a couple times

Dear Abbott,

Is there any way to train yourself to need less and less sleep? I would like to watch comedies on BBC iplayer on a laptop in bed till the small hours and still be able to string a sentence together.

Yours fuzzily

Ljubljana

(i know i'm not Abbott but i've been watching tv on my laptop as i fall asleep lately and i kind of think it's destroying my life.)

Dear Abbott

... and not destroy my life in other ways I may not have thought of despite still being able to string a sentence together.

L.

Dear Horseshoe

I will be done for if iplayer does re-runs of the House of Tiny Tearaways, to which I was shamefully addicted. That would be worth destroying my life for at least for a six-week run.

Dear Abbott,

How many people need to be on a bus in order for loud swearing to be considered inappropriate?

If a bum's pants fall down on the bus and he seems incapable of pulling them up, who's responsible for concealing his shame from any nearby children? (based on a true story)

If a homeless disabled guy loudly uses a certain racial epithet while demanding to be given a seat on the bus, should he be given a seat anyway? or are the passengers justified in forcibly kicking his ass off the bus? (also a true story!)

If two junkies on the bus are arguing about whether or not Lou Reed was in Black Sabbath, should I bother correcting them?

Yours,
Shakey Mo Collier

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

Loud swearing isn't appropriate on the bus. You can definitely pull off quiet swearing ('indoor voice') if the din of other passengers cancels it out.

The bum's slovenly & immodest ways bring to mind the bystander effect. Except I think a lot more people would be willing to stop a rape or perform CPR or help a person with a seizure than touch the pants/loins of a bum. I think a way to solve this problem would be to alert the bus driver, who would handily solve the problem for you. If you live in a place where you can't talk to bus drivers, I think an able-bodied male should step in and keep the rest of the passengers from being scarred by junk on the bus.

I think homeless disabled buys should be given a fair amount of leeway. If the racial epithet was clearly directed at a specific person or group of people on the bus, then he should be told he'll have to wait for the next bus until he learns that's not City Bus language. If he just seems to be loudly using it, out of context, I think he should be allowed on the bus but sternly reprimanded.

Junkies arguing about Lou Reed's history should never be corrected. 1. That shit is hilarious to overhear and can escalate to even better levels when left alone. 2. If you correct them, they'll start having a conversation with you that will be difficult to get out of.

Bonus tip: If you are reading comics with lots of nudity and a second-grader sits next to you, it is time to put the comic away.

Yours from the bus,

Abbott

junkies arguing about lou reed is some meta shit

did I mention they were on there way back home from the methadone clinic

Maybe "Satellite of Love" was playing on the methadone clinic muzaks.

Dear Abbott,

A friend of mine recently insisted that Mormon missionaries are not permitted to cross bodies of water (lakes, bridges, rivers, etc.) while on their missions. Is he making shit up (again) or does this purported
prohibition have some typically wacky root in Mormon theology?

thanks,
Shaky

hey I can't even snig my name

I have seen Mormons in places other than Utah, so I'm assuming that some bodies of water must have been crossed at one point.

Mormon missionaries even.

"while on their missions" = specific subset come on man!