suicide

The things your brain is doing to you? *That's not you*.

I'm not convinced by this. It's been me since about 7 years old. I know that's not common, and I obviously wasn't throwing myself off bridges aged 7 (although it wasn't much later), but, actually, this has been *a thing* since primary school. Nothing has helped.

― emil.y, Friday, 25 February 2011 07:14 (6 hours ago) Permalink

And what happens if something does help? Who am I if who I have been is taken from me?

― emil.y, Friday, 25 February 2011 07:17 (6 hours ago) Permalink

I am nothing. There is nothing. That is the answer.

― emil.y, viernes 25 de febrero de 2011 7:23 (6 hours ago) Bookmark

Just want to tell you that I have been struggling with this line of thinking for a long time. At this point I am afraid you can't really recover from say, 20 years of mental suffering the same way you will be totally broken by being imprisoned and isolated for even a fraction of that time. Because it is torture, it really is. It's like being trapped in a real life version of Inland Empire where you feel the way Laura Dern looks and there is just a constant dread that never goes away.

If you go way back to your childhood and adolescence and try really hard there must be something that must have made you feel good or curious about before you were terminally jaded. If you are like me you probably shrugged those activities off for reasons that now seem unbearably stupid. I believe that is the real you. If you weren't built with this disease (?) you would have probably done something about it that would have lead you to a different, happier version of yourself right now.

I don't know if it's possible to heroically fix this and reach your original potential when you have to deal with life as an adult carrying all this trauma baggage. Maybe the answer is to accept that you are broken and learn to live with your diminished self. Both options equally scary.

Emily, you have nothing more and nothing less than a chronic illness. Nothing mystical or romantic about it. Your depression is no more an intristic part of you than pissing all of the time and getting yeast infections is an intristic part of someone who has untreated diabetes. Sorry to be be blunt about it, but that's how I see it. And when you said that you've been threatened with being committed, was it just for being suicidal, or were there other reasons? Delusions? Hallucinations? Catatonia? (All three can be caused by depression.)

I can't honestly believe that anyone has noticed my posts over the entire 10 years I've been posting, tbh.

― emil.y, Friday, February 25, 2011 12:43 AM (9 hours ago) Bookmark

I want you to know that this belief is incorrect, and to consider that your beliefs about other things may be distorted at the moment. you seem to be in a really bad place but please stick around.

As Edward and many others have noted. Please do stick around.

Hey, emil.y, I've definitely noticed your posts over the years.

silby obviously has the lock on the real-talk part of this thread. But just as someone who doesn't understand where you're coming from at all, my only contribution is: the fact that you seriously just said you don't think anyone has noticed yr posts is a sign to me that you're just way out of it and only holding on to some real-world perspective by your fingernails -- drunk, over-tired, alone too late and night, etc. Because that is the silliest thing I've heard in days. I see you, I remember you, I respect your posts, and I feel like I'm reading an informed, knowledgeable viewpoint when you contribute. Thanks for being you and posting stuff.

When I was an every-day friend/caretaker for someone rly depressed, I used to say that I wasn't having any more exhausting therapy sessions until that person had slept, showered, and eaten something. I wasn't trying to be patronizing and or say "I know what's good for you!" but we just couldn't GET anywhere with the talking unless those basic needs were met. This has maybe made me a little over-recommendy of taking care of your body so your mind can feel better.

Hi emil.y, I just wanted to say that you're one of my favourite ILM posters and I always think you'd be a cool person to hang out with.

You know why you weren't the only one? Because life is unfair and horrible and awful. I dont think I'm the only one. I think everyone suffers this way. Some people develop strategies to protect themselves, other people just struggle through it alone. It doesn't make me special or interesting or anything, I know almost everyone goes through this - but I honestly haven't felt that living in the world is better than not existing since I was very young, and I'm not sure anyone can convince me I'm wrong, because I've lived through so many years of this shit, and I still don't see that magical land of goodness I was promised.

Man, emil.y, you have no idea how much I identified with this post. Ours is a mean, shitty, crazy fucking world a lot of the time.

I know it probably doesn't mean much to you but I always thought you were one of the best & brightest on ILX. A sensible, talented lady with impeccable taste. I know those traits don't stave away the darkness, but seriously, fuck, why is it always the world's most amazing and best-liked-by-Abbott people who wish they were dead? Or sometimes then make it happen for real? It is incredibly fucking hard sometimes to weigh the scales and come out in favor of staying alive, I know. I don't think I'm actually saying anything helpful.

I don't think there ever is or has been or will be a magical land of goodness at the end. You mentioned existentialism, which I actually find comfort in. The idea that you have to find your own meaning for life is something I think about. Is there any meaning at all? Is there anything outside people or outside your own mind? Maybe these questions aren't big or interesting enough to stick around for, and also it's incredibly vain to say, "I'll figure it out someday if I stick around long enough." But, sometimes, that is motivation for me to keep going on. I am not saying it will motivate you. It does help to find something outside your own fucked up thoughts* if it's possible. Or: other? Other option? There are other options, is the point I am making, poorly.

*not saying you are fucked up btw, I am saying you are a good and awesome person – just that human thoughts can hurt, and be fucked up

Hi emil.y, I just wanted to say that you're one of my favourite ILM posters and I always think you'd be a cool person to hang out with.

My limited experience suggests that emil.y is actually a cool person to hang out with.

Hope everything's okay. I was following this last night, but didn't think my standard inanity would help anyone.

^

Thanks, guys. As I said upthread, my motivation to actually do anything about it in one way or another is low, so I wouldn't worry about that aspect too much. I just feel so shitty all the time at the moment, and I really can't shake it. But your kind words do mean a lot.

Yeah, well, don't get too motivated anytime soon, okay? Or if you're feeling a rush of energy and do-something-ness, try to hold it off until you've got your bearings.

This might help--and I'll only say so because you make it very clear you have a boyfriend (otherwise it'd be creepy). I've seen your photo on a couple of WDYLL threads, and you can be happy in the knowledge that somewhere, there's a lecherous 49-year-old who thinks you're pretty. Life doesn't get any better than that!

:)

(To be fair i do only post very flattering photos of myself - I have a somewhat strained relationship with my own corporeality)

Did I remind you to eat breakfast and wash your hair yet? Get in touch with your corporeality and get back to us. ;)

Hope you're alright, emily. x

good god clemenza we're trying to give this poor woman a reason to live

just saw this, and fwiw don't think for a second people don't notice your posts here, ilx is quite big and i'm sure it may seem this way but i also am sure that people do notice your posts and like reading them.

others have better advice to give than me about suicide, i've never felt suicidal but i have faced seemingly impenetrable circumstances of depression in recent years, and one thing i am convinced of is that even when things seem beyond repair they can be repaired. i mean i've been in that screaming at the cosmos with helplessness situation due to illness, and i feel like i've learned that we do retain some control over our own mental state and some ability to make choices, even starting off small, that help us to become happier.

it may be that it takes some time for you to be able to make these choices, it may be intensely difficult, but i do believe that bit by bit the time comes. in the meantime find strategies for coping, maybe you dress weirdly or do other things to make private jokes with yourself, maybe you listen to odd music, maybe you start walking around with a large hooded jacket on at all times and a scarf covering your face (i did this), just anything to break the monotony of depression, but all of these little things may help and you will come to know yourself more too.

good god clemenza we're trying to give this poor woman a reason to live

That thought did cross my mind. But I figured either emil.y would be flattered, or it would scare her straight right out of her depression.

just wanted to add that ugly ladies got reasons to live as well. short people, too. (fuck you, randy newman.)

"The things your brain is doing to you? *That's not you*.
I'm not convinced by this. It's been me since about 7 years old."

Around that age I would involuntarily salivate around the presence of dog shit coiled on cement, and swallowing this saliva for some reason in my brain was tantamount to eating the dog shit and that's just unthinkable, and this was a real problem if I happened to see some dog shit before boarding a bus, where my mouth and cheeks would gradually fill up with spit, until finally I'm off the bus and let loose a cupful of spit on someone's lawn before anyone sees. But this part of my brain is dead now, so if that part of your brain that you claim is you but actually isn't really you happens to see it in nihilist heaven, wave hello but please pick up after your dogs.

if yr seriously considering suicide why not just drop everything and move somewhere and try something completely different? what do u have to lose?

xp ^^ why I love ilx.

yo emily hang in there, yr one of the oh-so-few people that i'm glad i've met

diamonddave has a good point:

one of my best friends has been going through something similar to you, emily, all her life. she half-heartedly tried meds, but they put her on prozac and it made her crazy (i.e. she went from being depressed/sad/suicidal to being actually crazy). it was getting really really bad, and i was pretty concerned about how much longer she was going to be around. there was nothing i could say to her that made the slightest difference - the fact that she is a smart, interesting, awesome person didn't matter to her. then one day she told me she had had enough and was moving back home (to a very very small semi-rural town at the ass-end of nz) to live with her mother. tbh i thought that this was the worst thing she could do. i thought she'd go truly mental living there. BUT what was supposed to be a short term stay of a couple of months ended up stretching to close to 18 months, and she has been... different, ever since. like, she will always be the same person as she was when she was seriously depressed, and she still wonders what the fucking point of it all really is, but taking the break from her everyday life did something good for her. she just seems to cope so much better with stuff. she's still a total pessimist but in a far less concerning way. she came back from that 'break' about 3 years ago, and she's been relatively ~fine~ ever since. the most noticeable thing is that when she came back she decided to go to uni, and she's almost done now. there is no way in hell she would have been capable of sticking it out before - she TOTALLY hates being at school but she's stuck it out for 3 years.

i'm not saying that this is some kind of panacea, but like DD points out - what have you got to lose? if you're gonna bother sticking it out for at least an indefinite amount of time, you might as well kill time trying out things that have a chance of making you a smidge happier while you're here.

hey emily u are awesome and a good spirit and I like yr posts and I still owe you some detailed Muslimgauze recommendations if you ever want to bump the thread for them.

emil.y, just saw this thread, hang in there, you're one of my favourite people to chat to on msn, wish you would come on more to chat to us all. I sent you an email, hope you got it.
You & the mister are a great couple so please hang in there.

Hey guys. Just wanted to reiterate thanks to all of you for being so supportive. I didn't get in touch with anyone, though I *massively* appreciated the offers, mainly because I just didn't know what to say - it's all so much boring self-indulgent fuckery. I still feel pretty low and aimlessly sad much of the time, but I'm a bit less clouded with desperation than I have been for a couple of months. Thank you all, again.

:) em

yay emil.y,! :))))

I always get a twinge of fear when I see this thread bumped. Good to know you're doing better, emil.y.

emil.y just think, if you weren't around you'd not ever have the chance to sb me again ;_;

hang in there!

you're right, that's really fun. i should really do that more often.

^__________________^

hadn't seen this

have nothing to add except my support and my assurance that continued active consciousness (rather than the dissipated consciousness that accompanies death) suits you damn well, miss e

keep the flame concentrated :)

also, that rot about potassium cyanide? takes 45 minutes to die? convulsions? erubescence?! red doesn't suit your complexion :D

emily, i wld v much notice if yr posts were gone one day, so pl keep posting and living

Everything should just stop being terrible for a while. :\

:(

every time this thread pops up in mobile device interface site new answers, i always thinks its gonna be about alan vega.

anyways, i can't offer any advice about suicide. I am currently feel7ng very successful about my psychitric treatment for depression. melissa w, idon't see your posts often on ilxor, but just the other day, I remember really agreeing with something you said. I hope things become less terrible for you.

I just need a vacation from physical pain and financial bullshit and everything else around me that is falling apart in spectacular ways. I don't know how much longer anything good about my life will last at this rate. x-post

Thanks, kkvgz. I'm glad to know that I've said something that is worth agreeing with or remembering.

idk if that reads as sarcasm, but it's not fwiw.

melissa w, idon't see your posts often on ilxor, but just the other day, I remember really agreeing with something you said. I hope things become less terrible for you.

― kkvgz, Friday, July 29, 2011 10:52 AM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark

In the Laura Marling thread, felt like you were defending someone being unfairly maligned. Was v nice. I'm not good at this sort of thing, but hope things get better for you.

idk if that reads as sarcasm, but it's not fwiw.

I didn't read it that way. : )

I'm sorry to hear about your pain and financial troubles. I don't know if I can speak to the pain (although I do know that depression can add extra stress to the body). But the way I try to think about financial bullshit is that sometimes people go through debt and bankruptcy and business failure and general brokeassedness when they're young to become successful later down the road and have very comfortable, enjoyable lives, against all their expectations at the time. This doesn't happen for everybody, obviously, but the only way to make it happen is to keep trying and keep holding on through the hard times.

I'm sure this isn't all that's troubling you, but that's how I deal with money troubles in my mind (and I am teetering on the edge of fucking myself up with debt, myself).

And also, yes, it was the Laura Marling thread where I felt like you had an aristeia. You were truly dispensing righteousness there. : )

Thanks, pandemic. And thanks again, kkvgz. Trying to convince myself that everything will work out but prior experience tells me that even if it gets better for a while, it'll get infinitely worse again. As for the pain, idk.

And yeah, not all that's bothering me, but I'm not sure I can go into detail because it's all really personal and involves family and isn't really fit for public consumption.

MW, I don't have any advice to give you (even though I'm going through horrible family and money problems myself), but I can offer you my sympathy.

Hm. I've been crazily up and down since last I posted in this thread. Trying to get my default position to be 'no, you shouldn't, and if you think you should you should get help', but really I'm still stuck with 'why the fuck not?' I mean, I realise I could well fail, and that would be upsetting to everyone and cost the health service money it can't really afford to lose at the moment, but if I could actually grow some fucking balls and succeed in something for once, it would probably be a lot less painful than anything else for everyone involved.

Why not succeed at something else that goes someone some good, and possibly accidentally does you some good too?