Homemade Jokes

Who's the greatest Scottish smooth jazz player?

Kenny MacG

(find it especially funny to say in an exaggerated accent and really elongating the "GEEEEEEEEE")

going to try it now

response: 'are you feeling all right?'

Song to teach children about not leaving food out/open: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a lid on it"

don't quit your day job unless this is your day job

I'm starting a modernist furniture store for the average American: Remote Within Reach

My g/f made me go to one of her pilates classes the other day and when we got there, the instructor had an eye-patch. He taught us all sorts of things including techniques such as "walking the plank". Then I realised I'd got the wrong lesson...

Ha, I like that DL. Reminds me of this one that my bro's mate says he made up:

I had a really hard time growing up. All we ever had to eat was glace cherries, dark chocolate and cream. Life's tough in the gateau.

i like that one too!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

― Death and Taxis (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:02 PM Bookmark

You didn't originate this, sorry pal.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CiE_xz40zik/S533oW8ZcHI/AAAAAAAACLg/BVJr0pMkXtE/s400/D

Really? Maybe 'independently arrived at' then. If someone else claims the 'Maida Vale' one I'll be devastated.

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Tuesday, 22 February 2011 16:59 (27 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

isn't the joke (in this instance) that giraffes don't speak much, hence the ellipsis at the end

god yeah it is i suppose

It's a pretty common/old joke in the US. See also:

We're going on vacation next week.

Hawaii?

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

I haven't heard the Maida Vale one before, but I've spent DAYS making up increasingly agonised versions of jokes of that bent.

See also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

knock knock

who's there?

what's the mafia's favourite type of joke?

knock knock (the 'double tap' is a finishing move favoured by legitimate businessmen of italian descent)

HOW DID YOU KNOW, unregistered?

lmbo

haw

My wife's moved to the south-eastern fringe of Melbourne.
Pakenham Upper?
Once she settles in.

lol

why did gadaffi buy button-up trousers?

(i'm sure someone can guess the punchline to this one)

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Irish-Korean vagabond?

CARY ANH MY WAYWARD SON

I think I would amend the joke I wrote upthread to:

Q: What is orange and droney?
A: Sunny D)))

Here's another (quite bad) joke:

Q: What do you get when you combine the best person in the world with the worst person in the world?
A: Kate W. Bush

what do you call a man with a penis in the middle of his face?

Fucknose

terrible nerdy audio geek joke

q: which comedian is also a reverb preset

a: rich hall

I came up with a terrible joke today.

Why did the record collector like the egg?
Because it had an "albumen" it. (an album in it)

http://x58.xanga.com/a821143233035244971397/b179149142.gif

I'm sorry, purple one!

Wait, Prince, I take back my apology – what I said was no worse than "WRECKA STOW."

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of Miatas. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to a Miata even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

oh wait, I effed that up a little

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

shut up

Q. why did Yogi Berra get nervous when the Yankees announced their plan to play in Australia?
A. he heard they were going to Canberra (he heard they were going to can Berra)!

Q. why did the assassin fire the chef he hired to poison the Prime Minister's soup?
A. there wasn't enough rice in (there wasn't enough ricin!).

Q:Why did the Non-Aligned movement include Yugoslavia but not Vietnam?
A: Broz before Hos.

Q: What did god say when he saw his massive poop?
A: Holy shit

Oh loraxpaws

it cracked me up when I thought of it a couple days ago. i also clogged the toilet around the same time (and I didn't use much tp). seriously though. what kind of shit clogs a toilet? godly shit

stop taking now

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_rhuHxI81C6w/SYm5SoDXeFI/AAAAAAAAABc/r5eHRiv4bcc/s320/Limbaugh,+The+Talking+Toilet.jpg