I'm sad

You are a real person and not a ghost person, bernard! You can't control if other ppl misunderstand you. I hate when it seems someone has misunderstood a basic big fact like that. That happened when I *did* actually move from Boise to NM – when I first visited Boise again, a lot of people were like "hey how come we never hang out"? Uh bcz I live in a dift state? Do I know know English or something anymore? They were all drunks & druggies, too, I'm blaming that even tho I am basically one of them. ha! Anyway, it felt fucked up ––– but people just aren't perfect communicators, is what I am saying & that is not your fault either.

Do I know know English or something anymore?

ha this was supposed to say "do I NOT know English," apparently I don't.

hey bernard, just to add my two cents: abbott is so otm, and given what i have seen with friends/acquaintances of mine, if you have a history of mental illness in your family and are susceptible to paranoia, really really try to cut back on the w33d as much as you possibly can.

I think you can tell from ILXORS here that you are not generally despised nor anywhere near despicable...don't let the attitudes of jerky/mean people do a number on you. You're a good person and how they treat you reflects on them, not you. don't let the bastards grind you down :)

Is there a companion thread called "i'm mad" for moments when every nerve is jangling with the desire to BREAK SOME SHIT? Because I am in plate-throwing mode.

NB: I have never thrown a plate but about half an hour ago I was ready to take some personal ceramics to the freight elevator shaft and hurl them down it.

I want to be angry. can I be angry?

I am sad and it appears I will always be sad no matter what. Fuck everything.

sorry

i hope not

Oh god, I'm sitting here at 6am crying and listening to this, which is basically taking the piss out of me being such a fucking lame asshole but it still makes me more miserable. Argh.

Emil.y! I'm sorry to be a KIP maniac here, but I think this may help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OX2WErOvD4

Haha, thanks. Was all ready to say I'm too much of a music snob to like that but it did bring a smile to my face. I just feel so despairing of myself - I used to be so much worse but this heavy fug of anxiety/depression/whatever the fuck gets into me to make me feel so bad has been with me since forever and I just want it to go the fuck away for a change. Just for a tiny little while would be satisfactory.

Muppets always lighten my mood, that's all. Sometimes that's all it takes, and sometimes it's not enough, but it's always at least a smile. Sometimes all it takes is remembering to stay on this side of things.

No, no, seriously that was much appreciated. I guess the fact that it's so late here and I'm quite drunk is not making anything better, but just having someone suggest something light-hearted is something I'm grateful for. I dunno, half of me wants to elucidate more and the other half is just like 'call the waaahmbulance you self-indulgent shit'.

If you're gonna elucidate, you won't find a more sympathetic audience. Here is a good place for it, if you need to unload. <3

What she said. <3 to you em. I always think of my mantra - "this too, shall pass".

I just want to call my mom all the time but I know that will frustrate and upset her.

I guess the problem is that elucidation would take much more than talking about a particular situation - for instance, I had a theoretically great night tonight and I've just come home and bawled my eyes out - and while I think ilx0rs tend to be pretty good advice-givers they're probably not going to be able to sort out a completely abstract fucked up life. I mean, I don't expect anyone to, I just wish I didn't feel this bad all the time.

I wish well everyone else who feels sad right now too. Sorry if I'm all cryptic and shit.

Almost sent you ilx mail but you're just such a total stranger. Stop being abstractly fucked.

Nobody can really sort out someone else's fucked-uppery, but otoh people are apes not tigers, we evolved to live in social groups, so I figure some emotional support (even if it's as abstract as ILX) should > nothing.

(I'm offering this rather than asking for it btw. I am feeling pretty together atm, to the extent that when I burst into tears after reading some dumb article in the Guardian, I can be all 'uh, hello sadness, wondered where you'd got to, don't feel obliged to stay tho, k?' and it goes away again for another day or 3.)

Has anyone tried the scheduled misery approach?

kinda entering this weird zone where the extended bummer has taken on this strange blissful sadness thing, haven't felt that since i was a bummed out teen

yeah it's tough when your perception of 'normal' changes to accomodate new sadness :/

it's not even just adapting, though...it's like this bullshit fleeting "i'm glad i feel this way right now, this is how it should be" shit that i know is wrong but keeps coming back

today I made up a little 60s pop pastiche in my head called "Another Rainy Day (in Rainy Daysville)" that was basically abt this

as long as you guys don't start putting every day is like sunday on repeat I think we're good here

It's another rainy day...
in Rainy Daysville!

All the children want to play, but they
know that they will
never have the chance (oooh, oooh)
because life is cruel
and holds no answers... (sha la la la la la)

I think I may stay,
I like the way they think
in Rainy Daysville (ooh, ooh, ooh)
(x2)

second verse was smoething abt pulling apart the soggy pages of the Daily Rainsman, looking for the weather forecast (rainy)
etc etc

OH HAI SADNESS. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. NOW PLEASE TRY NOT TO FUCK UP LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THIS TIME.

Why has it got to the stage where I can't drink even a little without starting to cry? I used to be the most hard drinkinest mofo that ever there was. Now I'm some sort of gelatinous blob of lady tears.

crying is cathartic though

It can be, definitely. But at the moment it seems like my brain just melts and I turn into a gibbering imbecile instead of actually crying because of anything tangible.

wait, are you crying or gibbering?

you don't seem to be sleeping v. well (said the pot to the kettle) xp

Crying and gibbering kind of go together. I dunno, if you've never experienced it maybe you won't get it - it's basically incomprehensible desperation.

And yeah, I can't sleep right now, which takes everything that might be somewhat bad and tosses it up into the realm of unable-to-deal-with-this.

probably a cross-atlantic semantic discussion of the word "gibbering" would not be v helpful

Ha, no, that sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would get my mind away from self-indulgent misery. How would US people define gibbering?

well, it's like talking nonsense - like gibberish

i always think of lovecraft when i think gibbering - like gibbering horror some monstrous alien tongue w/e

im p sad too :/

i never did find lovecraft's grave, even though i hung out at that cemetery quite a bit when i was 18 and sad.

Okay, yeah, that's the root. But 'gibbering' in itself is more usually used to indicate non-stop free-flowing talking to oneself as in the onset of madness - babbling, basically. Not that I'm trying to indicate clinical problems in myself, it's used fairly freely.

xxpost

Hey Lamp, I'm sorry you're sad. Is there anything we can do?

my definition of "gibber" comes from that one wodehouse story (who knows which one) where jeeves says something polysyllabic and clinical and bertie says "YOU GIBBER, JEEVES"

some wodehouse would probably improve things.

emily no its ok im just kinda down on myself cuz some things arent really working out, lyfe is hardship, every little dissatisfaction is another irksome weight

Damn, I'm sad. Something just reminded me of someone I used to know. I'm not going to wallow, but I went from laughing out loud at Elvis singing "Sweet Caroline" to remembering something unrelated and tears just flowed.

Today at work I talked about butterflies emerging from cocoons to be eaten by birds, but I was kind of joking. Kittens get killed by pitbulls and that's how it works type talk.

Pissed off at the world and quite down earlier tonight. Wound up going to gym, listened to the latest Nerdist podcast and did like 35 mins on an elliptical at peak heartrate. Feel far better.

Also, saw a dude working out in a Flynn's Arcade tshirt from a Tron promo thing, another guy had a Dragon Age II strategy guide as reading material, and a third had a large tattoo of a tallbike on his abdomen.

lamp <3

Emily, how much drinking is "a little drinking" for you?

Crying is sometimes cathartic but also sometimes "fuck not this again" if it keeps happening enough, imo. I hope my faves emil.y's beers will be tear-free soon enough. Same w/all my sad friends.

lamp and em i have <3 for u both

http://staystrong.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Peter-Poland-tattoo.JPG

Crying can indeed be cathartic, but catharsis is just a necessary first step.

After a catharsis of sadness or fear, you need to re-evaluate the situation to find a way, or a plan, to leave the cause of your fear or sadness behind. It helps after a catharsis to feed your neural pathways of hope and happiness, even if all you can find to feed them are tiny scraps. Give them as much sustenance as you can! Look at the bright side, not because this breeds delusions, but because there really is a ray of brightness somewhere, if you scrounge around, and because looking at it is a relief and a lesson.