I'm sad

aw, stay pos dude

I've felt in a haze since Sunday, which I initially attributed to post hangover blues, but it lingered.

Wavered between a feeling of anxiety and extreme disinterest, made everything feel bland. Almost like drug withdrawal feelings, but I've been taking my meds.

Then this morning, my ex from 09 posts this note on facebook that prolly was not about me, but described what I felt to a T to where I just wanted to start bawling in the office. And now it makes sense.

I'm just sad. I still miss her and its been almost 14 months. No matter how I try to rationalize it, the memories flood back...there was just this perfect window of time that we had that I've not been able to regain.

All pissed away due to my anxiety attacks and meds turning me temporarily into a zombie during our last months...no matter how hard I fought it.

I was almost over her, moved on with a new girl, until she decided to end things cuz she felt inferior to my ex, and was convinced I didn't have feelings for her.

She was wrong, but she opened the door back up for...this. Fuck em both.

I don't have any advice (and I'm pretty much the Geir of the advice threads

$&$((;! Zing. Take two.

I don't have any advice (and I'm realizing that I'm pretty much the Geir of the advice threads anyway) but I can offer you my sympathy.

Yeah likewise San Te...I missed this post earlier today or I would've at least passed on well-placed hugs. Dredging up ex-feelings is never a fun place to be, especially when you're already down. Sympathies, my friend. <3

just saw this. i hope you feel better soon, ST.

Combining Trayce and San Te's reports by dreaming a lot that nice things are happening between me and my ex-husband. All a bit wtf, as I have no such desire to go back there when I'm awake. We weren't happy at the end, but when we were happy we were very, very happy, and I can't quite imagine ever feeling that way again.

pff.

i am sad and maybe also a little bit crazy/detached from and unable to reconnect with normal social interaction — need to stop gettin hi def, makes me too paranoid — imagining that all of my friends are conspiring to kill me for the 25 bucks in my wallet, exchanging knowing looks and laughing all night — sort of threw up a hail mary yesterday by even attempting to leave my house and interact with people, in hopes that it might make me feel a little bit better, and now all I can think of for today is self-pity and tears

i swear i can feel the presence of death though, in everything people say and do. like some shadowy opponent dictating chess moves from a locked room. when I finally realized I was not about to be murdered by a conspiracy of friends I started having panicky spiderman-inflected imaginings of returning home to find one of my family members dead, claimed in my place.

basically a lot of anxiety, all the time

sorry this all sounds so weird and above all just so fucking dumb — need to get it out though and this is one of the handful of places where i still feel like i can say basically whatever without imagining other ppl all like "o_O"

What's happening to you may be something worse than simple anxiety. When did the paranoia start? Has this happened before?

how often are you toking and maybe if thats whats feeding it, scale it back or stop for a little while? thats a beast you def dont want to feed, imo
removing some environmental causes might help. and def keep trying to make yourself social, even a little...ie try not to retreat if you can help it.

I have family history of mental illness and personal history of dumb anxieties with no real basis in reality, but the latter have not been troubling me much since I started taking antidepressants ~2.5 yrs ago.

I actually had scaled back my smoking a bit in the past few weeks, then was excited to see friends again after being out of town and probably 'overdid it' — but yeah I've noticed lately that while I can handle a lil toke by myself to relax, doing it socially is just not working for me.

it's really hard, though, to get over this fear that everyone I talk to knows how miserably confused and wretched and directionless and adrift I am right now, sees right through any pretense I make of being a decent happy person, and despises me for the whole affair.

You know I love ("getting hi def"? lol) too, but in my most paranoid of days ––– I would find it exacerbated things. I hope that doesn't sound paternalistic. I mean, I think you figured that out, too.

I had a close friend w/schizophrenia who was always in & out of the mental hospital. I am defs NOT saying you or I or anyone here is anywhere near that. but the dude (bless him) was always doing best when he only smoked once or so a week, only drank one drink a day, if that – those were the times he was managing shit well and also feeling good abt himself & the world. I figure if that's how things work for him, why not for me, albeit on maybe a subtler scale? IDK, like I said, what I am saying is something you already know, that shit influences our minds!

I would like to think if everyone you talk to could see "how miserably confused and wretched and directionless and adrift" you are, they wouldn't despise you – they would feel sympathy or empathy (your choice) for your situation! I do, right now, I feel: I hope things pick up for good old bernard snowy soon, because I like that guy on the ILX message board a lot, and have some fine memories of him. (Apparently when I worry abt you I turn into Holden Caulfield?) I know part of the heart of the beast of paranoia is fear of rejection/hatred, but at heart I am sure a lot of ppl like and care about you. It is hard to embrace that shit as actually being true, but like, just imagine it as an incontrovertible, empirical fact if you can.

Or maybe I misunderstood everything you just said – if so, sorry. But I do hope your inner space gets less bleak, you know?

haha that "def" was supposed to be short for "definitely", but I liked the idea of "getting hi def" so I left it in

and yeah I know ppl would be more likely to feel some-pathy, I try to reassure myself with that thought, but then there are also times in my life when I've been pretty much happy but I come into contact with someone who for no reason that I can figure just *despises* me (like, we've all had this happen once or twice right?), and that feeling sort of becomes the basis for this generalized fear that even in my miserableness I am doing things that 'rub people the wrong way' or whatever and so they just want me to go away

but i appreciate the concern even while worrying that i do not merit it — it does brighten the inner space a little just by itself

(also, apparently i gave some ppl the impression that i was moving to florida? when i was actually just driving my grandparents down there and then staying with them for a bit? when a friend told me this was why he was so surprised to see me again, i felt a little bit like a ghost)

(i guess the moral of that story is that i've also been doing a poor job of communicating w/people? but it's not like i don't try to, dang!)

I come into contact with someone who for no reason that I can figure just *despises* me

Nothing is like a shittier feeling or a bigger thing for seemingly justifying crazy (and untrue) insecurities! I mean I still worry from time to time I am "annoying" bcz of ppl in sixth fucking grade calling me that. That was a long-ass time ago! Sometimes other people are fucked up, it's just hard to know how to handle. It doesn't mean you are fucked up, though! I hope you enjoy swears.

insecurities will stay with you for years after the offending stimuli. I still have a chip on my shoulder that dates back to 8th grade.

You are a real person and not a ghost person, bernard! You can't control if other ppl misunderstand you. I hate when it seems someone has misunderstood a basic big fact like that. That happened when I *did* actually move from Boise to NM – when I first visited Boise again, a lot of people were like "hey how come we never hang out"? Uh bcz I live in a dift state? Do I know know English or something anymore? They were all drunks & druggies, too, I'm blaming that even tho I am basically one of them. ha! Anyway, it felt fucked up ––– but people just aren't perfect communicators, is what I am saying & that is not your fault either.

Do I know know English or something anymore?

ha this was supposed to say "do I NOT know English," apparently I don't.

hey bernard, just to add my two cents: abbott is so otm, and given what i have seen with friends/acquaintances of mine, if you have a history of mental illness in your family and are susceptible to paranoia, really really try to cut back on the w33d as much as you possibly can.

I think you can tell from ILXORS here that you are not generally despised nor anywhere near despicable...don't let the attitudes of jerky/mean people do a number on you. You're a good person and how they treat you reflects on them, not you. don't let the bastards grind you down :)

Is there a companion thread called "i'm mad" for moments when every nerve is jangling with the desire to BREAK SOME SHIT? Because I am in plate-throwing mode.

NB: I have never thrown a plate but about half an hour ago I was ready to take some personal ceramics to the freight elevator shaft and hurl them down it.

I want to be angry. can I be angry?

I am sad and it appears I will always be sad no matter what. Fuck everything.

sorry

i hope not

Oh god, I'm sitting here at 6am crying and listening to this, which is basically taking the piss out of me being such a fucking lame asshole but it still makes me more miserable. Argh.

Emil.y! I'm sorry to be a KIP maniac here, but I think this may help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OX2WErOvD4

Haha, thanks. Was all ready to say I'm too much of a music snob to like that but it did bring a smile to my face. I just feel so despairing of myself - I used to be so much worse but this heavy fug of anxiety/depression/whatever the fuck gets into me to make me feel so bad has been with me since forever and I just want it to go the fuck away for a change. Just for a tiny little while would be satisfactory.

Muppets always lighten my mood, that's all. Sometimes that's all it takes, and sometimes it's not enough, but it's always at least a smile. Sometimes all it takes is remembering to stay on this side of things.

No, no, seriously that was much appreciated. I guess the fact that it's so late here and I'm quite drunk is not making anything better, but just having someone suggest something light-hearted is something I'm grateful for. I dunno, half of me wants to elucidate more and the other half is just like 'call the waaahmbulance you self-indulgent shit'.

If you're gonna elucidate, you won't find a more sympathetic audience. Here is a good place for it, if you need to unload. <3

What she said. <3 to you em. I always think of my mantra - "this too, shall pass".

I just want to call my mom all the time but I know that will frustrate and upset her.

I guess the problem is that elucidation would take much more than talking about a particular situation - for instance, I had a theoretically great night tonight and I've just come home and bawled my eyes out - and while I think ilx0rs tend to be pretty good advice-givers they're probably not going to be able to sort out a completely abstract fucked up life. I mean, I don't expect anyone to, I just wish I didn't feel this bad all the time.

I wish well everyone else who feels sad right now too. Sorry if I'm all cryptic and shit.

Almost sent you ilx mail but you're just such a total stranger. Stop being abstractly fucked.

Nobody can really sort out someone else's fucked-uppery, but otoh people are apes not tigers, we evolved to live in social groups, so I figure some emotional support (even if it's as abstract as ILX) should > nothing.

(I'm offering this rather than asking for it btw. I am feeling pretty together atm, to the extent that when I burst into tears after reading some dumb article in the Guardian, I can be all 'uh, hello sadness, wondered where you'd got to, don't feel obliged to stay tho, k?' and it goes away again for another day or 3.)

Has anyone tried the scheduled misery approach?

kinda entering this weird zone where the extended bummer has taken on this strange blissful sadness thing, haven't felt that since i was a bummed out teen

yeah it's tough when your perception of 'normal' changes to accomodate new sadness :/

it's not even just adapting, though...it's like this bullshit fleeting "i'm glad i feel this way right now, this is how it should be" shit that i know is wrong but keeps coming back

today I made up a little 60s pop pastiche in my head called "Another Rainy Day (in Rainy Daysville)" that was basically abt this

as long as you guys don't start putting every day is like sunday on repeat I think we're good here

It's another rainy day...
in Rainy Daysville!

All the children want to play, but they
know that they will
never have the chance (oooh, oooh)
because life is cruel
and holds no answers... (sha la la la la la)

I think I may stay,
I like the way they think
in Rainy Daysville (ooh, ooh, ooh)
(x2)

second verse was smoething abt pulling apart the soggy pages of the Daily Rainsman, looking for the weather forecast (rainy)
etc etc

OH HAI SADNESS. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. NOW PLEASE TRY NOT TO FUCK UP LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THIS TIME.