My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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NO, HE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sure at eight you must have had something on your mind other than how stupid your stepfather was.

most ignorant comment on ILE ever, perhaps.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:43 (twenty-two years ago)

oh wait I just read a Momus post on a thread about terrorism nevermind

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Maltos?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:29 (twenty-two years ago)

she forgot the "meal," and I forgot to tell you all I'm a General Foods product

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

MALTOS...the FRESHMAKER

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

NED RAGGETT STOP STEALING MY FEEBLE, INANE JOKES (they're all I have, sob)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Your moment will yet come.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

"will"

― David R. (popshots75`), Sunday, 6 June 2004 04:48 (twenty-two years ago)

He was probably trying to play with you

BUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

This will be my excuse to project upon every deadbeat shithead ever.

― donut bitch (donut), Sunday, 6 June 2004 05:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Just because you're trying to play with a kid is no excuse for being incredibly stupid...

― Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Sunday, 6 June 2004 06:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Or mean (see not providing food out of his wages etc).

― ailsa (ailsa), Sunday, 6 June 2004 09:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh come on, your dad never played The Starvation Game with you?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:24 (twenty-two years ago)

The rules for that one never were written down to our satisfaction.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:25 (twenty-two years ago)

"You rolled a 5; no crullers for you, kiddo!"

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

"WAAAAAA. Hey wait, this is a four-sided die!"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:37 (twenty-two years ago)

ok sure the googler is clueless but any excuse to hear more Matos's mom's ex-husband stories is a good thing

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:50 (twenty-two years ago)

I completely agree with you, sir.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 6 June 2004 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Ok the Maltos thing is inexplicably KILLING me here... hahaholy crap!

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:25 (twenty-two years ago)

many thanks for reviving. I've always said a sense of humor is a necessary survival skill, but I had no idea...anxiously awaiting the Matos autobiography. Seriously: this is as funny/painful as David Sedaris.

― lovebug starski, Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:00 (twenty-two years ago)

http://stwi.weizmann.ac.il/g-junior/nutrition/milon/ART/MALTOS.GIF

― donut bitch (donut), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:01 (twenty-two years ago)

The random googler who posted as "Mother of three" is probably better known as "incredibly stupid mother of three who is bitter about paying child support" in her neighborhood.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:25 (twenty-two years ago)

seven months pass...

23. Actual quote: "I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:12 (twenty-one years ago)

addendum to 7. Chris didn't actually get fired for smoking pot in the cooler. He got fired for having a flask in the parking lot.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:16 (twenty-one years ago)

24. One day Chris was driving on the freeway with me in the passenger seat. Another car cut us off, and Chris honked and gave the guy the finger. So the guy pulled over, opened his car door . . . and Chris took the exit right behind him. "I showed that fucker," he said.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Man, i missed this thread first time 'round. It's awesome! I think David Cross based Ronnie Dobbs on this 'chris' guy.

― papa november (papa november), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:33 (twenty-one years ago)

25. Chris brought one piece of furniture to the apartment when he came to live with us. (He destroyed several of mom's items, but that's another thing entirely.) It was a ratty thirdhand loveseat I wasn't allowed to sit on or touch. Neither, it turns out, was my mom half the time. Her nickname for Chris's sole piece of furniture? "Precious."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

26. My friend Eric used to call Chris "Vanilla Chris" because (a) we were twelve and (b) because Chris liked the band Vanilla Fudge at a time when Eric and I made fun of them because we were incipient snobs. Chris's response? To refer to my friend, a Beatles fan, as "Cockroach Eric."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)

chris wins that one i'm afraid!

― j blount (papa la bas), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:50 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, it's very important for adults to win against 12-year-olds

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:52 (twenty-one years ago)

grand funk matos!

― j blount (papa la bas), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:56 (twenty-one years ago)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:57 (twenty-one years ago)

(these were brought to you courtesy of my friend Eric calling and reminding me of them, btw)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 02:57 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread is awesome. I have to ask, is Chris still living?

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:10 (twenty-one years ago)

yep (hi!)

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Was that "hi" to me or -- OMG CHRIS READS ILX!!!

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Her nickname for Chris's sole piece of furniture? "Precious."

Well, that's that, I'll only be able to think of Chris as Gollum from here on in.

(Mr Matos, will send you an e-mail about something tomorrow when my brain is less relaxed.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Many many times I have considered hitting this thread with the big REVIVE! but then I always think "well, it's no good to revive it until Matos has collected more recollections."

So now... REVIVE!

― martin m. (mushrush), Saturday, 15 January 2005 03:54 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, it's very important for adults to win against 12-year-olds

Defending Vanilla Fudge is a man's job! [high-fives]

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Saturday, 15 January 2005 04:28 (twenty-one years ago)

You get high like a kite.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 15 January 2005 04:30 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm too lazy to scan through this thread, but is there anything in here about how a number of Matos's stories from this thread were reprinted in some random zine (submitted by him, I assume) that I found in Quimby's recently?

― n/a (Nick A.), Saturday, 15 January 2005 05:09 (twenty-one years ago)

First time that I've read this thread after nearly two years of being on here. My fianceé and I have been taking turns reading this since we've both had "Chris"'s come thorugh our life.

It's also kind of weird to read I would like the best threads to be compiled into book form some day. Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate would be there, Cheese Fry would be there... and this one obviously... on this thread with a J0hn Darn1elle coming after it. TEH IRONIC FORESHADOWING.

I don't have 26 stories about anyone. My mom dated this fucking loser once who liked to tell the following riddle:

Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a cat?
A: I don't know, but it sure smells like shit!

I hated that guy.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 15 January 2005 05:34 (twenty-one years ago)

vanilla fudge were great. :-(

― cathy berberian (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 15 January 2005 15:04 (twenty-one years ago)

the 'zine is The Lowbrow Bathroom Reader, edited by my friend Jay Ruttenberg; I've written other stuff for it before. and yes, it's the first 18 stories from this thread, pretty much taken directly from it.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Saturday, 15 January 2005 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm still upset I didn't get my ILX book.

― jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (Homosexual II), Saturday, 15 January 2005 20:42 (twenty-one years ago)

This is still one of my fav ILX threads.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Saturday, 15 January 2005 21:29 (twenty-one years ago)

27. Mom and Chris are dining in a steakhouse. The waiter brings over a bottle of wine.

CHRIS (sniffing, swirling, sipping): Ah! Excellent vintage!
MOM: What are you talking about? You wouldn't know good wine from last week's Kool-Aid.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:30 (twenty-one years ago)

28. My uncle's name is James. One day, Chris and I drove him home from our house. We got into the car and the Rolling Stones were on the radio. "Hey, that's you," said Chris. "You're Jimmy Shelter."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:31 (twenty-one years ago)

29. "You're stupid," my mother said. "Oh yeah?" he responded. "Well, I have an IQ of 156."

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:33 (twenty-one years ago)

30. As noted above, Chris was quite the drinker. And like most folks with similar proclivities, he swore he could stop anytime he wanted. So Mom took him up on it: "I bet you can't go a day without having a drink."

"Oh yes I can," he said. "Twenty bucks says I can."

That night, Chris paid Mom $20.

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Friday, 21 January 2005 05:36 (twenty-one years ago)

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