Dear Abbott

Dear en i see kay,

Anthony Robbins, and only because Awaken the Giant Within helped my friend drop crank for good. It is not a book that would help me, though.

Dear Upto-11,

Off the top of my head:

Serving cold duck will get you goosed
Goose Mnemonics
Let's Hear it for the goose
I want to eat this goose
The goose picayune
Goose party
Always feel the goose
Goose lips
Theories on the history and origin of the goose

These are not the best, but I tried.

Dear the Reverent Reverend?

Fucking A, I know! Seriously.

dear a boat

if you were a meme what would u b

tchaboy

HOOS

Dear Hoos grande,

For some reason I always associate the word 'meme' with a long, red Chinese dragon. So: I would be Falkor.

Yours falkorly,

Abbott

Dear Abbottross,

What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

Dear the Reverend,

I'm gonna have some fun! And hope the wrist scars from the perpetual over-tight handcuffs fade soon. Probably go get a bucket of Popeye's and their sweet-assed baked beans, too.

dear a boat,

t/s baked beans vs. refried

HOOS

Dear Abbie

Why I gets pot belly instead of hips when i start eating more? I'm otally ass-less and my limbs are thin as sticks

Dear Hoos,

Most refried beans from the store are gross. You know, the canned ones.But the ones at all the 8,437 Mexican restaurants in my neighbs are pretty consistently delish. ie 1/2 lb rice and 1/2 lb of beans to go for $3! Rad! Best when coupled with rice for sure. But there are dozens of burritos better than the bean & cheese burrito.

Baked beans are pretty fucking rad but can be too sugary. The ones from Popeyes are so fucking good. I wish we had a Popeye's in town; the nearest one is in El Paso.

Dear Crêpe,

The 'olive on a toothpick' weight-gain phenomenon is a baffling one indeed. Are you a man or a woman? If you're a man, not getting hips is in no way a bad thing. As to why, I have no idea. Personally, I don't mind putting on an extra 20 lbs if it means getting to eat lots of delicious foods.

I'm the entity also known as "Heave Ho", my desire for an ass is functional rather than aesthetical {we traditionally sit on the floor while eating}

God, it hurts me to sit on the floor and my bones are stealthily coated in a generous helping of ass. I feel for ya.

Dear Abbott

i am coming back to DC in three weeks time. should i contact my ex to let her know I will be in town or risk the (pretty good) possibility of bumping into her and having some awkward explaining to do?

in other news, Madness are performing live on TV and Paul McCartney is dancing to them. Should I kill myself now (thus making Q1. irrelevant)?

Dear Upt0-11,

I hate talking to my exes more than anything. What could you say? "I'm gonna be in town soon, plz to avoid me"? I am the kind of person, that is I ran into them, would say, "Yup, I'm in town," and try to make a break for it ASAP. I say, if you think she would ask to hang out, don't contact her in advance. You owe your exes nothing!

As for Maccaness, killing McCartney would not only make more sense, it would be totally boss as fuck.

i'm not sure it did much for mark chapman but i see u r point.

as for your answer to my first question, you are right. apart from the fact that sex with her was gooooooooooood. sorry that's more information than you need.

You probably would not get to bone her again, only get to have a painful conversation.

i agree. schtum will be kept.

Dear abbott,

YAHHH! TRICK YAHHH!

Dear the Reverend,

I couldn't quit muttering random phrases in math class today. "Oh no they moved the aspie rube next to me except she moved herself there fuuuccccckkkk brother."

Abbott == class Tourettist.

Accidental Tourettist

Dear Abbot:

First off:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/Idaho.jpg

^ Holy Shit this map rules.

Anyway, this past weekend I drove from the "Palouse: Pretty, semi-liberal" area to the "Beautiful mountains & nature & shit" area - right through the "white supremecists; insaniacs" area. These descriptions seem fairly accurate, though the Palouse is a bit more south and I guess there's more mountains and rednecks and movie stars kind of up north.

Regardless, have you ever seen this sign, south of Riggins?:

http://eliyahsmessage.com/sign1.jpg

Yours,

Joygoat

Do you sound like this girl?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgtLvGxYobE

dear abbott,

where are you?

dn

ABORT RETRY FAIL

retry

heyyyyyyy! ive been posting to ilx like crazy lately & it kinda pissed me off that you werent posting at all.

Dear Abbott

1) who would make the best president, Hillary, Obama, or McCain?

thanks,
your pal Shakey

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

I say GOBAMA. I'm PROBAMA.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear Abbott,

If an Italian guy named Albert was in favor of voting for Barack, where would he live?

Love,

Libby

Dear Abbott

Congratulations on rising to a position of responsiblity over an entire monastery. This is particularly impressive as pictoral evidence would suggest you are of the female persuasion. Do you atribute your success in a traditionally male-dominated field to determination and ability, or simply to a particularly shapeless and concealing robe? And what advice would you offer to a novice monk seeking a similarly exalted position?

Many thanks in advance.

Dear libbypiepoo,

According to this Laffy Taffy wrapper, Ann Selevay of Gary, Ind., says "Anywhere he wants!"

Dear chap,

M.G. Lewis' classic The Monk details that the character Antonia snuck into a monkly monastery position through, yes, a robe that would make several bay windows' worth of drapery. Her fellow monk (and title Monk) was relieved, however, when he found his borderline homoerotic feelings were for a disguised woman.

Unlike in the late 18th century, a woman can easily attain and her own monastery the position with a weekends' worth of wages. A trip to the pet store will land several adorable monks and a spacious cage in which they can perform vespers and swing about incense. I have been told that I am confusing a "monastery" with a "caviary," but these people are incorrect.

Dear Abbott,

Can you loan me a $5 til payday? I'm a bit short and I've only got enough for small Thunderbird and a Colt.

Love,

Libby

Dear libcrypt,

No.

Dear Abbott,

How are things?

Ronan

Dear Ronan,

There's some circumstances. BUT, good things, too: I've planted some tomatoes, and I've been doing some drawing.

Thanks for your kind inquiry,
Chummo Abbott

dear abbott

how is the wedding planning going?

xxx rr

dear abbott,

it is very nice to see you again.

estelaxx

Dear rr,

Hahaha I basically got it all done (to the extent I want/need for now) over the weekend. I talked to my sis-in-law who is brilliant and wunnerful, helping me out. We're just gonna do dress shopping and girly shit up in Boise the weekend before, have me play all the time at her Aveda spa. Everyone I know even kind of is like begging to help me. The original backyard locale kinda got fuzzed but someone I've only met twice was like, "Oh do please use my backyard, it is awesome and big and the neighbs won't mind music and noise." And another friend of a friend is like, "Plz plz let me do photos here is my portfolio." Okay! And all I have to do is the graphic design stuff which is pretty much the main thing I was excited about. Okay!

Thank you for asking,

Abbott

Dear estelaxing damsel,

Many thanks and happy returns.

Abbott

aww yay abbott! i'm glad it's going a bit more smoothly. plz post pics when you find your dress.

xxx rr

dear abbott,
that is great abt the aveda spa and helpful friends who want to do nice things for you. also, hi :)
rrr

I like that you called Shakey "Mr. Mo Collier"!

Dear A. B. Bott,

What took you so long?

Dear The Reverend,

Magic! Nothing can stand in our way. You have to believe it was magic.

Dear Abbott,

What is this thread Abbott?

W.E.S.

Dear Abbott,

Keep on rocking in the free world. We need you.

I'm in a mood to be answering shit.

You have a lot to answer for.