Homemade Jokes

the other day in the pub...

why can't brian lenihan get the irish economy moving?

cos he can't budget!

Joke headline:

Monkey House of Representatives Votes to Repeel Banana

lool

This twitter has the best bad homemade jokes I've seen:

www.twitter.com/ratedgjokes

http://twitter.com/ratedgjokes

I made up a lot of Christmas jokes when I was putting up Christmas lights a week ago.

anyways

Why did Jesus have a bad Christmas?
because he found out that Santa doesn't exist

Why was Jesus sad on Christmas?
because he didn't get a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

Why didn't Jesus get any presents on Christmas?
because he's a Jew

def stealing that last one

joke to do with new year's resolution, punchline including 1280×720

What is Sam the Sham's favorite carnival ride?
The pharaohs wheel.

abbbottt, often i will see yr name and be reminded of a scene from 'the thick of it' (uk political sitcom) in which the press are calling for the prime minister to sack underperforming minister hugh abbott, and the headline says PM CAN'T KICK THE ABBOTT

i guess that joke was homemade to somebody, so it counts itt

Thanks for the Sunnn D)))) joke, I just made good use of it.

So I told that to my g/f and she countered with one of her very own...

Which is the loudest lovesong in the world?

You are the Sunn O)))shine of My Life!

I am a lucky, lucky man.

whats a rastafarians favourite middle eastern country?
Yemen

straight giggles

Saudi Jah-rabia

Jah-pan

United Ar-Herb Emirates

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

...

Who's the greatest Scottish smooth jazz player?

Kenny MacG

(find it especially funny to say in an exaggerated accent and really elongating the "GEEEEEEEEE")

going to try it now

response: 'are you feeling all right?'

Song to teach children about not leaving food out/open: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a lid on it"

don't quit your day job unless this is your day job

I'm starting a modernist furniture store for the average American: Remote Within Reach

My g/f made me go to one of her pilates classes the other day and when we got there, the instructor had an eye-patch. He taught us all sorts of things including techniques such as "walking the plank". Then I realised I'd got the wrong lesson...

Ha, I like that DL. Reminds me of this one that my bro's mate says he made up:

I had a really hard time growing up. All we ever had to eat was glace cherries, dark chocolate and cream. Life's tough in the gateau.

i like that one too!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

― Death and Taxis (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:02 PM Bookmark

You didn't originate this, sorry pal.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CiE_xz40zik/S533oW8ZcHI/AAAAAAAACLg/BVJr0pMkXtE/s400/D

Really? Maybe 'independently arrived at' then. If someone else claims the 'Maida Vale' one I'll be devastated.

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Tuesday, 22 February 2011 16:59 (27 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

isn't the joke (in this instance) that giraffes don't speak much, hence the ellipsis at the end

god yeah it is i suppose

It's a pretty common/old joke in the US. See also:

We're going on vacation next week.

Hawaii?

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

I haven't heard the Maida Vale one before, but I've spent DAYS making up increasingly agonised versions of jokes of that bent.

See also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

knock knock

who's there?

what's the mafia's favourite type of joke?

knock knock (the 'double tap' is a finishing move favoured by legitimate businessmen of italian descent)

HOW DID YOU KNOW, unregistered?

lmbo

haw

My wife's moved to the south-eastern fringe of Melbourne.
Pakenham Upper?
Once she settles in.

lol

why did gadaffi buy button-up trousers?

(i'm sure someone can guess the punchline to this one)

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Irish-Korean vagabond?

CARY ANH MY WAYWARD SON

I think I would amend the joke I wrote upthread to:

Q: What is orange and droney?
A: Sunny D)))

Here's another (quite bad) joke:

Q: What do you get when you combine the best person in the world with the worst person in the world?
A: Kate W. Bush

what do you call a man with a penis in the middle of his face?

Fucknose