WHO THE FUCK READS THE DAILY EXPRESS?

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Sep/Week3/15736844.jpg

A+, 10/10. Might actually have to buy a copy of this. Think the best part is the picture used to illustrate the 'judge sends benefit cheats to prison' story.

All it is missing is an offer for free cheese and campervans.

extra points for misleading chumps into thinking the paper costs 30p

"this lame dog"

+ more bonus points for "rotter".

INSIDE: "NORTH KOREA AND IRAN COULD PARALYSE UK FROM SPACE"

http://images.dailyexpress.co.uk/img/dynamic/78/285x214/200755_1.jpg

GURN TOO FAR PUTS CHAMP IN HOSPITAL

Sorry, should add the picture:

http://images.dailyexpress.co.uk/img/dynamic/78/285x214/200755_1.jpg

+ more bonus points for "rotter".

Didn't know that Steve Jones was writing headlines for the DE...

including the seemingly fantastical scenario which could come straight from the pages of a James Bond script.

Er, it does come from a JB script, it's the main plot of fucking Goldeneye FFS!

http://cdn.images.dailyexpress.co.uk/img/cartoon/506x345/2010-09-21.gif

political cartoonist of the year, you say...

Ah, it's like he's the Pope.

and, um....

... he's a former Nazi and everybody fucking hates him

The organisation he represents has diminishing influence in the UK?

And his license plate says NE1, like anyone. Which means...something. Is he anyone, or is his audience anyone? I dunno.

NC1 that is... Noxious Conservative I assume

Nick Clegg, perhaps? Because otherwise, identification is impossible.

Indeed, I could draw a better Nick Clegg than that

Oh, right. NC1. Thought there was another layer of righteous satire I was missing.

I think he must be quite hard to draw a decent caricature of, his face is just kind of average and boring. He does do that pandering 'ah diddums' face thing a lot though.

nick did you come up with 'autoshart' above because a+ if so

thankig u

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Oct/Week3/15763173.jpg

Tomorrow, a splash on how all immigrants are given free mobile phones.

Good news for aging Tories:

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Oct/Week4/15775510.jpg

Good news for the Express as its 500 readers might hang on that little bit longer.

that whole front page seems a gift for crumbly tories

"dirty old racist bastard still a dirty old racist bastard at 89"

are they any happier now the Tories are in again?

it is a rascally pic to be fair

Is that naughty nurse giving him a handjob?

has the death rate somehow dropped below 100% then?

NOW A TAX TO STOP FAMILIES LEAVING BROEKN BRITIAN:

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Oct/Week4/15782667.jpg

And if you dedo cide to leave, you'd better take your family otherwise you might die. Especially if you're a single woman who flods home in search of love and happiness.

(NOTE TO SUBS: 'Flods' is the present tense of 'fled', right? Cheers.)

"dedo cide"? Thanks, spell check. Think I meant "do decide".

Oct 21st front page (revive post, scroll up) = "Rooney: Why I am leaving Man United" - not another one of those invented interviews, I hope?
(thought that was mainly in the Daily Star, though?)

The newspaper has a vigorous spellcheck/change program as well. It was meant to be: "Rooney: Why, am I leaving Man United? Dedocide."

BRITAIN IN GLOOM AS CLOCKS GO BACK

Britons face a day of chaos as the clocks turn back an hour

Saturday October 30,2010
By Natalie Chalk

Comment Speech Bubble Have your say(1)

BRITONS face a day of chaos tomorrow as the clocks turn back an hour, plunging the country into evening darkness.

A third of us will oversleep, 20 per cent will wake up to a cold house after forgetting to change the central heating timer and one in eight will arrive at work late over the coming days.

Research by energy company npower also found that almost half of parents say the change in daylight hours will affect their children’s sleep patterns.

* WIN A LUXURY LONG WEEKEND FOR TWO IN CAIRO!!! INCLUDES BA CLUB CLASS FLIGHTS, FIVE STAR ACCOMMODATION AND £1,000 SPENDING MONEY! *

It will take an average of three days to readjust, with 40 per cent of people polled saying it would be harder to get their children to school on Monday.

sorry for shit formatting. i was trying to point towards the holiday advert, which obviously wasn't aimed at moneyed shitforbrains in any wat at all. kthxbye.

wat=way

40 per cent of people polled saying it would be harder to get their children to school on Monday.

Of course it'll be bloody hard, half term's just finished for most pupils.

Maybe a third of us will oversleep because, effectively, all of us get an extra hour asleep?

BRITONS face a day of chaos tomorrow as the clocks turn back an hour, plunging the country into evening darkness.

chaos! plunging!

I wonder what kind of language they'd use if a REAL disaster ever hit Britain.

20 per cent will wake up to a cold house after forgetting to change the central heating timer

this 'psychic statistics' style of news journalism has a lot of potential imo

glad that the comments page for that shitehawk feature is full of express readers pointing out the paper's stupidity...

good to see that a fixed annual event is reported as news.

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Nov/Week4/15822392.jpg

Alternative headline: THE BEST OF THE GIPSY KINGS

Saw that headline today, I think they're giving out a free treasure map and Scooby Doo mask on Saturday.

luvvin how low a threadshold they have for breaking out the indignant, exasperated 'NOW...' nowadays.

Built on fraud, for which the guy is in prison. But obv this is a much better headline.

http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2010/Nov/Week4/15828067.jpg

A DAILY EXPRESS CRUSADE.

Suppose they don't really have to worry about offending any Muslim readers. Apart from Mohamed Fayed, and it's not like they're calling it A DAILY EXPRESS CAR CRASH ASSASSINATION.

Where are they planning on moving us to? And how? Like when Superman picked up that island of kryptonite?