Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

You're still at university, make the most of it!

OK Cupid will have to wait until I'm empty handed on graduation day perhaps.

Yes, I was wary about my own italicised point there. Certainly, amongst my very best friends, it is indeed films or music that we bond through, and find ourselves returning to again and again...but there's some other inexplainable quality....the magic of friendship or pure inter-human bonding.

I have never experienced true romantic love, but my expectations for what it's actually like are quite amazing.

*unexplainable

but there's some other inexplicable quality....the magic of friendship or pure inter-human bonding

Yeah, there's a hard-to-define quality which denotes a great connection with someone - it's when you're understanding, anticipating and wanting to know more about each other, and yes when this happens it is incredible.

I'd say I've experienced true romantic love twice. Both as I've graduated my respective degrees. You have a lot to look forward to! :D

9.40-on-a-saturday-night-blues alright.

Here's to glances and gazes across the seminar room....and pizza + films at my new apartment!

OT but I will come see your band's first gig.

if we ever form, ffs

you send an email to 6 ppl and it's like sure the only person to respond in nearly a week is my friend of 4 years

sure ILX poster MaresNest has a good excuse (he is in Cyprus! on holiday! eating souvlaki!) but the others...grrr

Also, I'm unemployed. Deep down, I know that this is the single biggest factor in why I'm failing to find lasting connections with people.

OH YEAH. I did most of my online dating, actually my most active period of any kind of dating, while unemployed, because I was unfocused and unproductive and I was trying so hard to fill that time w a person instead of a real life.

Well, you could have the rather dispiriting experience of actually meeting someone and going out for drinks with someone, and really liking them, and thinking you're having a really good chat and actually having a pretty good connection, only to have them tell you two hours into the date that actually, they have a girlfriend who is off, travelling in Mongolia for a month.

Obviously, I still managed to have a fun evening out of it, and I do think I've made a friend. But still.

RUBBITCH.

wait, this was presented as a date from the beginning and then the dude sprung that on you during it?

My reasonably minimal experience with relationships/dating is that having these surface overlapping interests is no guarantee that you'll spark (...although i'm sure this point has been made up thread). For all of the best connections, romantic or non, one needs to gestate and have the other person 'grow on them'...maybe you'll realise that shared interests are one thing, but feeling utterly comfortable and having this almost imperceptible overlap in sensibilities is what we crave.

this rings true, but like you said it's so hard to get there

hang on Kate on OKC you *have* to say whether you're single, attached, married or available

what did this guy have himself as?

K, that sounds...like that person is a shithead.

maybe he liked you enough, respected you enough to feel like a shithead if he were to cheat on his gf with you?

K, that's totally out of bounds behaviour unless he identified himself as with someone in his profile, like LJ said...

However, it is NOT a portent about online dating. It's extremely bad luck on your first online date. There are probably more such shitheads online than in IRL connections, but I bet it's not a huge percentage difference...

... anyway, I should not be calling him a shithead, because if you made a friend of him he must be awright.

Hahaha oh god, OkCupid as sitcom plot:

Got back from 10 days away Thursday night. Dude (the one who lied about his age) is sick, had to cancel on plan for me to go over to his place tonight - wanted to be left to die alone. Ascertained that he had enough food, meds, etc. But being a soppy cow at heart and seeing as he lives 10 mins' walk away I thought I'd make a nice gesture and buy and drop off outside his door a book that I knew he wanted to check out: Super Sad Love Story. Did it (didn't knock) then sent him a text that I'd left some entertainment options in case he got bored with Top Gear.

Reply was 'huh'? Texted again explaining it was outside the door. Radio silence. Examined own gesture. Was it over the top or something? No, It's not like it was a huge bunch of flowers.

Suddenly dawned on me that Super Sad Love Story is not only a satire on the networked society, which is the part I remembered from the NPR review we both heard, but also an examination of a relationship between an obsessed middle aged man and a shallow 20-year-old woman. First I laughed like hell. Then panicked. Then sent a text containing assurances that I wasn't attempting the world's most passive-aggressive gift.

Luckily just discovered an oblivious email saying 'thanks! I tried to text but too tired to see the little keyboard'...

He had himself as "single" - which is technically is, as he is not married (divorced actually) and I've just checked his profile which says he's looking for friends. (I am fairly certain it had the usual set including dating when I first looked at it, but he might just not have edited it because he said he hasn't been on the site that long.)

I dunno, I'm just more disappointed than anything else. Like, he's the most interesting person I've met in ages, and quite simply exactly the *kind* of person I would like to be dating. So it's a just... thanks, universe, for putting something really wonderful in front of me, and then yanking it away.

I don't know. I've been pretty explicit on my profile about *not* wanting to get into any polyamory situations but again, like the "snark" thing, that might just mean that'll just make some men try harder to change my mind. ARGH.

Feeling really kinda down on the whole thing now, mostly because many of the other men who have messaged me have been so... boring. I know that's not a fair conclusion to make based on a profile and a couple of emails but jesus christ I fucking hate small talk. I know this is an ironic thing for someone to say who is a musician and loves music as much as I do, but I am *sick* of talking about music. (Actually, it's not even so much that, as the ones who think they're experts and actually know less than I do. That sounds arrogant, but it's not meant as such. It's like the music equivalent of making spelling errors on your profile or something.) Can you please, like *know* something? Else?

Ugh, plus I should know not to rate people on their quickmatch thing until I've had a chance to look at their full profile, plus question answers, in case there's some deal breaker in there.

UGH UGH UGH. Just gave 4 stars to some slightly chubby indie boy type thinking he looked nice and went into his "questions you agree/disagree on" and there, his opinion was "I could never date anyone overweight, even if they were only slightly overweight" and I just wanted to shout HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY ASSHOLE?!?!?! and instantly changed my star rating down to a 1 for total fucking bullshit hypocrisy but ugh. Too late, I imagine.

Fuck I hate this site. Fuck I hate the idea of grading and being graded by people.

Wait, edit that:

Fuck I hate the idea of grading and being graded by people.

K - i kinda get that feeling about guys - the "can't you *know* about something else" feeling - but mainly in terms of what instrument they play - like, could you *not* be a drummer, or think you are a drummer, esp. if you are barely competent on said instrument?

Yeah, just joining the chorus of voices saying that the Mongolia thing seems sketchy as hell - 'single' on OKC obviously doesn't mean "not married!". How was the food, though?

Davek I would definitely not write off being on OKC while still at university, especially in your final year (if that's what you're in?) - you're about to enter the free-est period of your life so lots of promising leads dotted literarily anywhere in the world are suddenly open to you! Three to six months before you graduate is 100% the ideal time to start talking to someone in Tennessee without feeling like you're really invested in anything at all.

hahaha 'literarily' - true, ya know

be very cautious of long-distance shit though

So it's a just... thanks, universe, for putting something really wonderful in front of me, and then yanking it away.

Ugh - that is a really shitty feeling - totally been there - i think the best way to view it is to see it as indicative of other wonderful things that the universe can provide (god that sounds embarrassingly new agey, oh well), and just playing the law of averages, not all of them will be "yanked away"

their memory will be though

until you meet the next one

that was a badly-formed innuendo, sorry everyone

i got it

did you also understand my innuendo

what else was there to get?

need to not go on this drunk and message people i subsequently realise i don't like...

Hadrian VIII, I meant to say at the time when you posted, but I'm really very sorry to hear what happened to you there. How are things now, a couple of weeks on? I hope that you are okay.

Dear men of OKC:

A quiz.

If you have exchanged a couple of emails with a woman who subsequently stops answering your emails, do you:

1) Think that perhaps she's met someone else on the site she's hit it off with better
2) Look back through your last email and realise that you dropped a clanger of a sexist joke at someone who not only self identifies as a feminist, but specifically states she is not interested in people who have that kind of sense of humour
3) Just continue to bombard them with "hey, where are you?" messages until she actually starts to think you're a bit crepey?

I am beginning to realise that Block button is there for a reason.

Heh. I get where yr coming from there k. And I've been the same - someone's weirded out on me so I'll just stop talking.

.. til it occured to me that I hate it when guys do that to me, cos I dont know why.

So now I'm thinking maybe it might be at least polite to say "sorry this isnt working out" or something to them.

Thing is, yeah, I can understand the wanting to know the reason why (I've certainly been ... confused/disappointed when someone's abruptly stopped talking to me) but the problem is, telling someone a reason why, when you've already made up your mind you want no more contact, is really just giving them an excuse to prolong the contact and go all "but... but... but..."

I guess I should just send a brief "I'm sorry but this isn't going to work out" without an explanation, and block him if he tries to contact me again.

But it's just like... ARGH. I could NOT be in a relationship with someone that clingy & dogged (not to mention not being able to take a social clue) to start with.

You missed option 4 Karen:

4) Think that one is a disgusting saddo loser and that of course such a great, or even half decent, girl would never even want to know you, let alone be with you, and that she's realised this and so never wants to speak to you again. Cry self to sleep. Alone.

I think it really quite rude and it is incredibly frustrating, confusing, depressing and irritating when you are on the receiving end.

Nobody but a disgusting savage would walk off in the middle of a conversation in real life, so why should it be okay to do so anywhere else?

in mitigation, OKC is a really unnatural and strange realm of conversation and any such behaviour is much more excusable there

what was the joke?

I think that if someone insults you or makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable, it is perfectly reasonable to walk off mid-conversation, in real life or otherwise.

Email conversations, especially on a dating site, are completely different. If I am boring someone, I would not expect them to carry on a conversation, especially if it had not been going on for very long, or on a very deep level. This has happened several times to me, the first time it happens, it's a tiny disappointment, but after a few go-rounds, you get used to it.

Given the sheer volume of people on the site and the number of conversations that people have engaged with me (and also the type of short emails I've sent off on spec) it would actually be rude to expect a reply to each and every one of them.

otm, especially from a female perspective - have heard from every woman I've met on the site that they get, what, 10 emails a day pretty much? it's a lot.

Ha ha, no, obviously I am not super OKC playah, I don't get 10 emails a day, but certainly more than I could adequately answer, and still maintain a dayjob and a life. Especially considering how many people don't even seem to read one's profile at all, just look at the pictures and send off some completely inappropriate email. I suspect many of them are form emails, which just get swiftly deleted. Like, my profile is pretty detailed. If you can't find *something* in that whole mess to ask me about, you are really not trying very hard.

OK, my "I am annoyed by OKC communications..." gripe is, when you write a detailed email with quite a bit of discussion in it, hoping that it will trigger discussion from the other person, and you get 2 lines in reply. Especially if they only answer the one or two direct questions you asked, and do not even ask you any in return. That's one of those "OK, I don't have any *way* of replying to this, so I'm not going to now" things that I take as, the other person is just ending the conversation for you.

Is it possible they're just busy, and think sending a quick reply is better than sending a more detailed and responsive reply later. Maybe not.

x-post to something you said upthread.

Like, what difference would it make to someone in their late 30s if their partner were in the mid 40s or late 40s?

I think it does matter to some people--they don't want more than a 5 year or so age gap, rather than a ten year one.

Yeah, that's also OTM - generally when I send an email (or, when I did send emails) the emails contain(ed) plenty of reference to the information on their profile, and to receive responses where nothing about my profile was remarked upon often came across as disheartening (unless the response was a particularly enticing or witty one-liner regarding something in my email - there's no hard and fast rule for such etiquette, although it's usually preferable to at least essay some connection with personality rather than 'messager' - the latter is essentially a solipsistic enterprise)

Anyway, I don't send emails these days, I wait. I know that for OKC to work, people have to send emails in the first place, but I sent far too many to people I'd never really connect with, and felt uneasy with my own imposition upon them, before figuring that hey I don't really need OKC, and I might as well keep it open for if anyone great finds my profile and recognises game (as recently happened) but that casting around for potential love-interest online ultimately leaves me feeling a little hollow.

That's probably really hypocritical - but I've been the other kind of guy.

(xpost)

this just sounds worse than trying to meet people irl

joined this over the weekend. One of the profiles that popped up:

My Self-Summary
Only simple things and simple people are able 2 be summarized - a.k.a. - condensed - EASY 2 understand. Call it what U like - im not the one:)

*

***

***

**

**************

****

FYI - i DON't discriminate - but I am NOT - nor have i EVER been - Mentally, Physically, or Spiritually attracted 2 White MEN. - JUST like a gay person, i was BORN the way i am - it WASN'T a choice I made along the way (like MOST)

i LIKE what i LIKE - it IS what it IS - & thats the ONLY explanation i have 2 offer.

So, Please do the math & lets NOT waste each others time AND key strokes in vain

(Really tho, i'm starting 2 cramp up on here)

I am AMAZING!, 2 GOOD 2 B true, and oh' so Lonely:(
What I’m doing with my life
Right now? . . . Wishin i was somebodies Baby :(
I’m really good at
whatEVER i want 2 B.

*

Reading people.....

*

Making people laugh! see ---> :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

*

*

Creating Beauty . . . .

*

****

*****

(

****

* Sizing chumps up - thats what!!!

*

*
~hop-scotch~
The first things people usually notice about me
You'd have 2 ask the people.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
ANY of the above that: Educate - Stimulate - Entertain - Inspire - Amuse - Soothe . . . . .. . ME:)

*

*

*

*** POOTIE TANG (Love u Pootie:)
The six things I could never do without
List my top 6 WEAKNESSES - for the world to read?!?

( - INSERT KNIFE HERE - ) *i'm good - NO THANK YOU*
I spend a lot of time thinking about
....thangz....
...the craziness of the world & its inhabitants. . . . . .
. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . .
LOVE, TRUE LOVE. . . . EVIL . . .
. . . . .. . . .. . .. . . ..
Why & WHEN "good" men suddenly became extinct - My "BIG BANG THEORY" on the topic (Id share a bit of it with you except id hate to blow your mind - thats all)
On a typical Friday night I am
...Imagining ALL the happiness & good times that await me on Friday nights of the future.
. . .

Ive been resting up for them . . . - REALLY WELL!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
. . . . i -

- i . . .

.
. . . . i forgot what a MAN feels like.
I’m looking for
Straight guys only
Ages 28-38
Near me
Who are single
For long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
i make U feel "fuNNy" - if i bring an unexpected smile to your face:) - if the thought of you & i makes you think, "Damn - WE look GOOD together!!!"

don't fucking do that kingfish

1) Think that perhaps she's met someone else on the site she's hit it off with better
2) Look back through your last email and realise that you dropped a clanger of a sexist joke at someone who not only self identifies as a feminist, but specifically states she is not interested in people who have that kind of sense of humour

Both of these plus several others, mostly involving raking one's personality over the hot coals of regret and self doubt.

OK, my "I am annoyed by OKC communications..." gripe is, when you write a detailed email with quite a bit of discussion in it, hoping that it will trigger discussion from the other person, and you get 2 lines in reply. Especially if they only answer the one or two direct questions you asked, and do not even ask you any in return. That's one of those "OK, I don't have any *way* of replying to this, so I'm not going to now" things that I take as, the other person is just ending the conversation for you.

― cymose corymb (Karen D. Tregaskin), Monday, September 13, 2010 1:04 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

only move here is to try and meet them at that level. short response with maybe one good question to prompt their response.