Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

KIERKE FUCKING GAARD

oi!
― always be cozen (dayo), Thursday, 9 September 2010 07:31

― always be cozen (onimo), Saturday, 28 August 2010 23:19 (1 week ago)

golden fucking girls

lol sorry, I don't hang out in the britishes threads so didn't see it xp

Argh. having my first OKC date this evening. This morning I nearly called the whole thing off because I had a major attack of the "ugh, I'm horrible and old and fat and ugly and everybody knows that a 200 lb manic depressive on a date is the punchline to a joke, not a human being who deserves respect, let alone love..."

But then he messaged again and suggested we go to an all you can eat sushi bar so I had a sudden thought of "OMG, maybe he's one of those rare men who sees a full figured woman and doesn't think 'LOL U fat' so much as 'yay, U not a stick insect, let's go eat lots of nummy food!'"

wait there is all-you-can-eat sushi in london now?

WHY AM I A VEGETARIAN

THEY HAVE GOOD VEGETARIAN OPTIONS!!!!

apparently. Or at least so sayeth my date.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS MECCA

Thread of excited about sushi.

I wonder which is greater, mr spacecadet's fondness for sushi or mr spacecadet's dislike of London. Oxford only has a Yo! Sushi and a tiny Japanese restaurant which does sushi one evening a week in termtimes only and you usually have to queue outside for a table.

Hope you have a good date, K!

the only racial keywords I follow (re: that link) are that Asian men like Calvin and Hobbes and Tennis
other keywords I have used in my profile before are Thai food (stuff Indians like) and Funny

I like how Indian men have software engineer, consultant, developer, analyst, finance, trading, maths and entrepreneur in their stereotype. These guys are hard workers

But even better is that Pacific Islander men have "I hope they serve beer in hell"

sometimes i wonder if i am a girl who's single for a reason

what reason?

I was meant to go on a date with a girl from this last night and then.......the last minute flake. Internet dating is so abstract. Nothing means anything until you meet the person!

absolutely, and not just in a dating realm - have been struggling with bandmate flakes recently - as long as you have a policy of replying and turning up to things, though, then you'll eventually prosper. flakes aren't worth your time, but you are, if that makes sense

yeah i'm actually pleased in that even tho i quite liked this person it had no real mental effect on me tbh...

people are crazy tbh

yeah I was gonna have lunch with someone a few months ago, someone who was extremely attractive and knew it, but she pulled out with 'illness' 75 minutes beforehand - this wasn't even an internet date (we'd met at the cricket a few days beforehand) but I was more annoyed that I let it get to me than that I was deprived the date - some people just aren't ready to meet anyone with perceived romantic intentions, or they get the last-minute heebie-jeebies - it's sad but it's their right. my policy is that I have to at least try out something before I dismiss it, but then again my policy is that I really don't like evening dates, the hyper-forced meal + well-dressed + courtly conversation rigmarole - way prefer chilling w/ someone during the day, preferably while undertaking shared-interest activities

back to internet flakeness though - I find it best, if there's a connection, to get off OKCupid and onto one's proper email (and hence the real world) asap - having to log onto a dating website to connect with someone can be a little unsettling and dehumanising - or at least it 'dateifies' the correspondence, adds an imperceptible pressure

maybe i should join this thing

*deprived OF

n.b. I'm still uncomfortable with elements of OKC and I don't look for people on it but if completely fucking awesome people message me out of nowhere and initiate doomed-but-intense flings every so often then I guess I should stay on it. also I like my profile. but really I am hoping aforementioned lady comes back into my life 'coz I'm really not gonna meet someone much more on my wavelength. ah, time shall heal.

My reasonably minimal experience with relationships/dating is that having these surface overlapping interests is no guarantee that you'll spark (...although i'm sure this point has been made up thread). For all of the best connections, romantic or non, one needs to gestate and have the other person 'grow on them'...maybe you'll realise that shared interests are one thing, but feeling utterly comfortable and having this almost imperceptible overlap in sensibilities is what we crave.

But the awkward thing is that these deeper connections take time and work and often lots of wavering and insecurity...completely unsuited to this quick romancelust that might spur our need for site like OKC. I also think that the genesis of these relationships I've described often comes from places you least expect, rather than somewhere like a gig or a specialised hobby.

(I am possibly quite immature on all of this so please excuse me if this is all crap)

No, you make a good point! Certainly too many of my experiences with women have been fleeting - the trouble is that I am not brewing anything slowly with anyone who is in any way eligible, and am consequently hoping an initial spark projects into a sustained conflagration, rather than a growing-together. You're still at university, make the most of it!

maybe you'll realise that shared interests are one thing, but feeling utterly comfortable and having this almost imperceptible overlap in sensibilities is what we crave

True, but one often indicates the other. They're not inseparable, for sure - someone with an attitude I most crave and whom I can be most comfortable with is probably someone with a broad and extremely open-minded approach to intelligence and culture.

But yeah, looking for something is often an unhelpful way of going about things - it makes you put people in boxes or upon pedestals when in the cold light of extended time they aren't particularly special. Patience and the blindside are allies in this regard - but one has one's limit, and one's temptations.

Also, I'm unemployed. Deep down, I know that this is the single biggest factor in why I'm failing to find lasting connections with people.

You're still at university, make the most of it!

OK Cupid will have to wait until I'm empty handed on graduation day perhaps.

Yes, I was wary about my own italicised point there. Certainly, amongst my very best friends, it is indeed films or music that we bond through, and find ourselves returning to again and again...but there's some other inexplainable quality....the magic of friendship or pure inter-human bonding.

I have never experienced true romantic love, but my expectations for what it's actually like are quite amazing.

*unexplainable

but there's some other inexplicable quality....the magic of friendship or pure inter-human bonding

Yeah, there's a hard-to-define quality which denotes a great connection with someone - it's when you're understanding, anticipating and wanting to know more about each other, and yes when this happens it is incredible.

I'd say I've experienced true romantic love twice. Both as I've graduated my respective degrees. You have a lot to look forward to! :D

9.40-on-a-saturday-night-blues alright.

Here's to glances and gazes across the seminar room....and pizza + films at my new apartment!

OT but I will come see your band's first gig.

if we ever form, ffs

you send an email to 6 ppl and it's like sure the only person to respond in nearly a week is my friend of 4 years

sure ILX poster MaresNest has a good excuse (he is in Cyprus! on holiday! eating souvlaki!) but the others...grrr

Also, I'm unemployed. Deep down, I know that this is the single biggest factor in why I'm failing to find lasting connections with people.

OH YEAH. I did most of my online dating, actually my most active period of any kind of dating, while unemployed, because I was unfocused and unproductive and I was trying so hard to fill that time w a person instead of a real life.

Well, you could have the rather dispiriting experience of actually meeting someone and going out for drinks with someone, and really liking them, and thinking you're having a really good chat and actually having a pretty good connection, only to have them tell you two hours into the date that actually, they have a girlfriend who is off, travelling in Mongolia for a month.

Obviously, I still managed to have a fun evening out of it, and I do think I've made a friend. But still.

RUBBITCH.

wait, this was presented as a date from the beginning and then the dude sprung that on you during it?

My reasonably minimal experience with relationships/dating is that having these surface overlapping interests is no guarantee that you'll spark (...although i'm sure this point has been made up thread). For all of the best connections, romantic or non, one needs to gestate and have the other person 'grow on them'...maybe you'll realise that shared interests are one thing, but feeling utterly comfortable and having this almost imperceptible overlap in sensibilities is what we crave.

this rings true, but like you said it's so hard to get there

hang on Kate on OKC you *have* to say whether you're single, attached, married or available

what did this guy have himself as?

K, that sounds...like that person is a shithead.

maybe he liked you enough, respected you enough to feel like a shithead if he were to cheat on his gf with you?

K, that's totally out of bounds behaviour unless he identified himself as with someone in his profile, like LJ said...

However, it is NOT a portent about online dating. It's extremely bad luck on your first online date. There are probably more such shitheads online than in IRL connections, but I bet it's not a huge percentage difference...

... anyway, I should not be calling him a shithead, because if you made a friend of him he must be awright.

Hahaha oh god, OkCupid as sitcom plot:

Got back from 10 days away Thursday night. Dude (the one who lied about his age) is sick, had to cancel on plan for me to go over to his place tonight - wanted to be left to die alone. Ascertained that he had enough food, meds, etc. But being a soppy cow at heart and seeing as he lives 10 mins' walk away I thought I'd make a nice gesture and buy and drop off outside his door a book that I knew he wanted to check out: Super Sad Love Story. Did it (didn't knock) then sent him a text that I'd left some entertainment options in case he got bored with Top Gear.

Reply was 'huh'? Texted again explaining it was outside the door. Radio silence. Examined own gesture. Was it over the top or something? No, It's not like it was a huge bunch of flowers.

Suddenly dawned on me that Super Sad Love Story is not only a satire on the networked society, which is the part I remembered from the NPR review we both heard, but also an examination of a relationship between an obsessed middle aged man and a shallow 20-year-old woman. First I laughed like hell. Then panicked. Then sent a text containing assurances that I wasn't attempting the world's most passive-aggressive gift.

Luckily just discovered an oblivious email saying 'thanks! I tried to text but too tired to see the little keyboard'...

He had himself as "single" - which is technically is, as he is not married (divorced actually) and I've just checked his profile which says he's looking for friends. (I am fairly certain it had the usual set including dating when I first looked at it, but he might just not have edited it because he said he hasn't been on the site that long.)

I dunno, I'm just more disappointed than anything else. Like, he's the most interesting person I've met in ages, and quite simply exactly the *kind* of person I would like to be dating. So it's a just... thanks, universe, for putting something really wonderful in front of me, and then yanking it away.

I don't know. I've been pretty explicit on my profile about *not* wanting to get into any polyamory situations but again, like the "snark" thing, that might just mean that'll just make some men try harder to change my mind. ARGH.

Feeling really kinda down on the whole thing now, mostly because many of the other men who have messaged me have been so... boring. I know that's not a fair conclusion to make based on a profile and a couple of emails but jesus christ I fucking hate small talk. I know this is an ironic thing for someone to say who is a musician and loves music as much as I do, but I am *sick* of talking about music. (Actually, it's not even so much that, as the ones who think they're experts and actually know less than I do. That sounds arrogant, but it's not meant as such. It's like the music equivalent of making spelling errors on your profile or something.) Can you please, like *know* something? Else?

Ugh, plus I should know not to rate people on their quickmatch thing until I've had a chance to look at their full profile, plus question answers, in case there's some deal breaker in there.

UGH UGH UGH. Just gave 4 stars to some slightly chubby indie boy type thinking he looked nice and went into his "questions you agree/disagree on" and there, his opinion was "I could never date anyone overweight, even if they were only slightly overweight" and I just wanted to shout HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY ASSHOLE?!?!?! and instantly changed my star rating down to a 1 for total fucking bullshit hypocrisy but ugh. Too late, I imagine.

Fuck I hate this site. Fuck I hate the idea of grading and being graded by people.

Wait, edit that:

Fuck I hate the idea of grading and being graded by people.

K - i kinda get that feeling about guys - the "can't you *know* about something else" feeling - but mainly in terms of what instrument they play - like, could you *not* be a drummer, or think you are a drummer, esp. if you are barely competent on said instrument?

Yeah, just joining the chorus of voices saying that the Mongolia thing seems sketchy as hell - 'single' on OKC obviously doesn't mean "not married!". How was the food, though?

Davek I would definitely not write off being on OKC while still at university, especially in your final year (if that's what you're in?) - you're about to enter the free-est period of your life so lots of promising leads dotted literarily anywhere in the world are suddenly open to you! Three to six months before you graduate is 100% the ideal time to start talking to someone in Tennessee without feeling like you're really invested in anything at all.

hahaha 'literarily' - true, ya know

be very cautious of long-distance shit though

So it's a just... thanks, universe, for putting something really wonderful in front of me, and then yanking it away.

Ugh - that is a really shitty feeling - totally been there - i think the best way to view it is to see it as indicative of other wonderful things that the universe can provide (god that sounds embarrassingly new agey, oh well), and just playing the law of averages, not all of them will be "yanked away"

their memory will be though

until you meet the next one

that was a badly-formed innuendo, sorry everyone

i got it