Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

^^^this would make explanations so much more worth it

Msged my first ever person on this thing. Is actually going ok so far. He's a writer, and he seems smart and together and funny, and he likes Futurama <3

Me and a pretty girl are messaging about space being dope and alt country records!

I figured the only way I'd get to know anyone or for anyone to know me was through the journal feature.

"...if I end up with anyone, anywhere, ever, it's damn sure not going to be based on a faux-casual profile that reeks of desperation and an ugly-ass photo."

This rings horribly true to me. Faux-casual lonely desperation.

i dunno, last girl i dated (for a year!) i met through a craigslist ad

which, if you wanna talk lonely desperation...

Chatz with writer guy going alarmingly well, I like this chap. I'm disarmingly open with everyone anyway so it skews things, but hey, hm.

Stop it. You're making me actually want to give it a go.

But I always have this kind of half-luck with dating sites.

Like, you start talking to people who are just so almost-right but there's some massive honking problem which means it's never going to work. The last time I actually did OKC, I actually met *(well, online only, we never met up in person, another irritation, he didn't ask and I couldn't seem to suggest it in a way that he understood as an invitation) this lovely bloke who liked beardy festivals and programmed his own operating systems and he actually had long ginger hair and looked a bit like Aphex Twin and I was thinking "ooh, bring it on" but HE WAS A FLAMING CARD CARRYING ATHEIST AND SKEPTIK and kept going on about the Flying Spaghetti Monster because he thought it was funny and couldn't understand why he was winding me up so much when he was taking the piss out of me for not hating religion. And I just thought "this isn't going to work" and stopped writing back. Also, he lived in Oxford, and I thought that was just a bit far.

And yeah, this is probably why I'm still single, that I am too picky and I'm always looking for the catch - but there's "being too picky" and "this is really going to wind me up."

Or else, I'd go on one date with a dude, and it'd be fine, and then the second date would be really boring and I'd feel I was just forcing myself to go through the motions. I think, really, I have just enough "pep" to do one date, and be "on" and chatty and friendly, and then I lapse back into being boring and not wanting to leave the house.

Also, ljubljana, I know I am the LAST person to be taking dating advice from, but honestly.

If you don't feel secure enough in this relationship to not be checking up on whether he's still active on dating sites or not, then it's probably not the relationship for you.

(The moral of the story, from painful experience, is "don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to." Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is.)

The issue isn't really him being "still looking" but that you don't feel secure enough to trust. I don't know if that's because you're not very comfortable yourself, or if because he's not *making* you feel comfortable by his words or actions. But it seems like you need to take some action and make it be *your* action instead of worrying about what he's doing or thinking. It's your relationship, too, isn't it? If it's not, then get out of it.

I can bring any thread to a crashing halt, just by posting on it.

:-(

19 minutes since your advice post is not that long on this thread!

OKC is so public, I guess it felt not like snooping to see if he's still on there. I hope I would never go into anyone's email - I would really hate to be in that situation, and would be furious if anyone did it to me. Whereas if I was still on OKC and knew the person I was dating wasn't, I'd be just waiting for them to say something...

The irony is, I really did trust this person :-( I thought he was probably just arsing around on there, until he started going on every day. But I totally agree about needing to take action. In the next 2 weeks. Probably this w/e.

Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is

surely the reason they checked the emails in the first place was well-founded suspicion?

"I really trust him" vs. "I am looking at his profile every day to notice when he's last logged in."

OK, maybe there's some RomCom ending where you find out that he was logging on because he was worried that *you* were logging on every day.

But like I said, I am the worst, most paranoid person, so my advice is worth the paper it's printed on.

Sorry - I feel really stupid when I post on these kinds of threads, like it's completely exposed and everyone is judging what I say and resounding silence is the WORST JUDGEMENT OF ALL. But there's this weird compulsion thing where I can't stop doing it. Probably better I don't sign up with OKC or something that encourages that feeling even more.

No you're right, logging on to see if he's on is not totally compatible with trust! But I think there are always limits to trust and circumstances where 'trust but verify' is ok. But obv it's easy to veer from that over into simply not trusting.

and as with most relationships, if I was to try to be really accurate about what I think about where it's at, I'd have to write an essay, with footnotes.

Looking at a partners personal computer/emails is a really bad idea and if you're at that point, things are Not Good anyway imo.

The moral of the story, from painful experience, is "don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to." Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is.

Yeah, but don't you want to know the answer? If it is "yes," it will make you miserable, in the short term, but the quicker you deal with it, the less time spent distrusting and resenting and feeling uncomfortable - the quicker you can resolve the issue and move on.

for the record what ljubljana's observing doesn't involved looking at anyone's computer or email. not that anyone's said that, but just for the record.

also for the record, any time anyone i've known who's not normally the paranoid/jealous/controlling/snoopy type has suddenly felt paranoid and snoopy, there's been a reason.

in re OKC in general, internet romance is what it is. some people don't write you back, but most do. some you don't write back, but most you do. some correspondence doesn't go anywhere. some people flake or phantom when you invite them out. some people invite YOU out and then flake or phantom. my only rule of thumb is not to correspond for more than a few messages without proposing a real life meeting, and not to invest too much real-life emotion until i've actually met someone in real life. keep your expectations low and you can be pleasantly surprised often.

fwiw i turned my profile on in 2008 and off in 2009 and back on this year and in the maybe 8 total months it's been active i've met a bunch of cool people I haven't sparked with, a couple of harmless crazies, one long-termer with love on both sides that might have gone differently if the timing had been different for both of us, and one we-shall-see. ymmv.

some people invite YOU out and then flake or phantom.

yes this is the lamest

I wonder if it's worth noting that I've met quite a lot of my partners via the internet - but not a single one by overt Internet Dating.

Most of them were as follows:

- chat on IRC room, start chatting in private chat, get on well, arrange to meet up, date
- chat on Usenet group, start emailing about something or other, get on well, meet up, date
- see friend of a friend post on friend's LJ post/FB post, start talking to them directly, find out you get on well, meet up, date.

Rinse lather repeat for any forum, tbh. Even ILX would apply, if only all the mongrel lads weren't so useless lolol j/k guys <3

I just jump at/start talking to all people who interest me looks/common interests wise, and let it flow, and it works better than you'd think.

Nice OKC guy turned out to be a bit of a perv after only 2 nights chat before Ive even met him, ugh.

Not creepy, still nice, but way way way too foward.

just had a pretty kickass friday night with a girl i met on here. she's new to town so i showed her my fave spots and we hit the one she'd visited on a previous trip. i will prob give her a ride back to her car sometime tomorrow. lol.

kinda shocked at how sober i am given 8 whiskey & cokes + a beer

8!

Asked the question. Response was 'I should really disable that'. I made it clear (nicely) that I wouldn't be happy if it stayed up. Now to see if he takes it down. I'll give him a week.

OK, I don't know where else to put this.

About two months ago, just after I registered, a woman in here in Northampton, MA asked me out and I politely declined. But she persisted in a friendly way and we ended up corresponding regularly (2- 3x week?) about separation & single parenting (both of which are new to me this summer), but also creative process (she painted) and increasingly & in a jokey way why we hadn't yet met in person... She became as close a friend as one can have w/o meeting IRL, was she was endlessly supportive and projected a positivity I sorely needed. We exchanged short pieces of fiction as recently as last week, and in my last missive (Thurs. 8/19) I asked what her weekend plans were and whether or not she was free for a coffee or beer.

I didn't hear back form her all weekend which seemed kinda weird but we'd had gaps of several days before so I figured she was wither sick or busy with her daughter (who goes to the same school as mine.) On Wednesday I received a bulk email from that school informing us she had passed away. I somehow knew immediately that she'd killed herself, a fear realized by the dozens or hundreds of condolences on her Facebook page a few clicks away.

I knew she had struggled w/ depression but had no idea despite how much we shared that she was in such terrible pain. I am so fucking ripped up and sick inside and confused about this new world where we can know each other so well and at the same time not at all.

You must be in terrible pain yourself. I'm so sorry. You did know her, and the fact it was incomplete doesn't detract from the good things you got from one another. You can know people very incompletely in real life as well as online.

Never mind the internet, I imagine there are a lot of people right now feeling that they knew her well and at the same time not at all.

Do you have anyone you knew in common who you can talk to, e.g. other parents at the school you know well?

Yeah...we had only one mutual friend on FB (which surprised me) and I'm beginning to get dribs and drabs from some friends of friends. I went to the sort of improvised memorial the other night and ended up kind of lurking on the periphery, unsure how to deal or interact with people mourning her so much more profoundly. I learned she had addictions, I don;t know what to or how many or how long...beyond that it's maddeningly opaque.

Not trying to make lemonade here but maybe your interactions kept her afloat a little longer. However short, there's more meaning in a friendship like the one you had with her than maybe you know. You gave her a small part of yourself, and no matter the ending, she, and you are better for knowing each other.

But whatever the case, I do feel for you. Hang in there.

Than you both...I'm able to convince myself of that every now and then, but the one thing that's keeping me up at night is our last exchange had to do w/ a story I sent her which was so nihilistic and kind of determinedly unsentimental...and she wanted to know why it was like that, and I answered her but I have no idea whether or not she got that message. It was the day she left.

Dude took his profile down. Thanks rogermexico for sanity-restoring advice, and zorn for reassuring me that I am not the only one who feels like a rabbit in headlights in these situations!

now you have to find his match.com profile

(good luck with the doctor's appointment, hope yr skin situation is rectified forthwith!)

Ha, he already admitted to a nerve.com one but that was taken down a while back apparently when they started charging for a bunch of new things. I had a nerve.com account back in 2000! I think that makes me an early adopter. or early giver-upper on meeting people in real life.

xpost Hadrian, I wonder if it would be good to talk to people on some of the depression-related threads here? I don't know which are the best and most recent, maybe others can point to some?

Why o why did I sign up for this?

I'm feeling a bit... overwhelmed, already. Probably just because I'm new and in a few days I will go back to feeling like an unattractive lump of putty again when men stop sending me winks and things.

I'm not sure I like this thing where they let men guess if you give them high stars. I am going to stop giving out stars perhaps. Eep. How long before I get freaked out and delete my profile?

A couple of things...

1) Men of OKC. Why, if a woman has on her profile "please do not message me if you believe in nonsense like X or Y" do you then really think it's appropriate to message her and try to start a conversation asking her if she believes in Y?

2) ARGH ARGH ON NOES PANICK ARGH someone just popped up in my quickmatch who is someone from the London indie scene that I have had a crush on for over ten years (in fact, I think I have talked about crushing on them on ILX several times before and had to have it googleproofed) and I accidentally clicked 5 stars before I realised it WAS ACTUALLY HIM and then I accidentally SENT HIM A MESSAGE and argh now he is going to know and I will be able to speak to him even less IRL and die from embarrassment and shame and collapse in giggles like I have done EVERY TIME HE HAS TRIED TO TALK TO ME FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS.

::runs away and hides and considers deleting the account before he sees any of this::

hopefully you will now accidentally have a fun romance with him.

Yeah, if this were a Romantic Comedy, I would end up accidentally meeting him for coffee, and accidentally shagging like demented rabbits under the table.

Unfortunately, this is my life, and he will end up accidentally deleting the message without reading it, or accidentally calling the cops to keep that mad woman at least 500 yards away from him. :-/

<3

ljubljana, i'm so glad it's going well, and i'm beyond humbled that you found any value in my pov. love is so hard.

The problem is, I *care* too much, and I get too caught up in it, and start to take it personally if people don't write back, and get over-invested in one person, as opposed to talking to a variety and then it stops being fun, and just starts being stressful.

I know one shouldn't but I can't help but also take it personally when people don't reply. You're certainly not alone there Karen.

I suppose I need to think about the reasons that I don't write back, when I don't write back to someone, and they usually are fairly reasonable.

Also, the intersection of IRL and OKC is just awkward, I suppose. I cannot be surprised if someone who was not interested in me when I was young and fairly conventionally attractive remains uninterested in me now I am old and hideous. Sigh. Also, must remind myself I can be as shallow as the behaviour I decry.

Well, this is turning into quite the little saga: lots of little things added up to one big lightbulb last night, which I then checked online. Dude lied about his age on OKC. Only by 5 years. But he lied, and hasn't corrected it in the 4 months I've known him. Not sure I can be with a liar. I guess we'll wait for the explanation, though. Seeing him tonight.

:/

http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/4/2010/07/500x_photoageuserage_01.jpg

Heh, that's not such a problem unless you're dragging the correspondence out. I mean, you get to meet them in person and judge for yourself whether you're attracted to them in person, rather than to an out of date photo. Actually lying about your age is a different kettle of fish.

And there I was putting the baggy neck down to a lot of booze and ciggies. I do find him attractive. But re the lying, :/ is the only response I have right now too, but it doesn't do justice to the horrible feeling in my stomach.

I love OKCupid's totally stats geek blog. Often very interesting.

I wish you all the best ljubljana, however it may turn out.