Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

haw

Kinda funny, actually. This is an ex from long enough ago that there's no more :/. I saw she'd looked at my profile and I messaged her "..........well this is awkward" and a pretty funny and casual exchange ensued. Now we text each other dumb in-jokes every couple of weeks. xxp

that's like my ideal kind of relationship with an ex! the only woman i've truly loved...radio silence for a year and a half now, will probably never be broken if i know what she's like

you are v young - there will be other women

and other silences.

i had a look of mock gloom on my face when i posted that.

when i read your post i thought of LJ being married to a deaf mute and I lolled

fwiw zorn_bond.mp3 I just literally now did a HUGE update on my profile so what you saw isn't what it is any more

u can call me zorn if it is easier to type

thing is zorn it just got a whole lot more anglo so I'm kinda cutting out my burgeoning US market

i recently made a profile. i also sent out like 10 messages and i got one reply. what gives, man?

http://www.paintingsilove.com/uploads/7/7482/ships-passing-in-the-night.jpg
l-r: zorn_bond.mp3, acoleuthic

I think if people aren't interested for whatever reason they'll just ignore you. Internet, home of passive aggressiveness.

just realised I have 961 questions to mfing re-answer, having changed my mind on SO many issues since 2009

by the end of this we may no longer be 95% :(

Well just make sure you answer "are you over 90% whatever as zorn–bond.mp3" correctly, and maybe it won't end up too different.

ha!

most of the stuff that needs changing is adjustment from horndog answers to actually-I-kinda-prefer-love answers

jag i will write a question for you

there now you can go answer it

can't find it?

hm yeah i can't figure out how to link to it lol

it will come up eventually

you will know it

answer it yourself and I'll find it among your answered questions

i did!

dammit I can only find questions we've both answered - ah well, it'll have to wait

This answer is maybe the best piece of writing I've encountered today even if it is totally wrong.

lol at this though

thankig u

I wish there was a filter just to see the answers for which people have written "explanations." I'm not really interested in page after page of which button you pushed, I want to know why you pushed the button.

^^^this would make explanations so much more worth it

Msged my first ever person on this thing. Is actually going ok so far. He's a writer, and he seems smart and together and funny, and he likes Futurama <3

Me and a pretty girl are messaging about space being dope and alt country records!

I figured the only way I'd get to know anyone or for anyone to know me was through the journal feature.

"...if I end up with anyone, anywhere, ever, it's damn sure not going to be based on a faux-casual profile that reeks of desperation and an ugly-ass photo."

This rings horribly true to me. Faux-casual lonely desperation.

i dunno, last girl i dated (for a year!) i met through a craigslist ad

which, if you wanna talk lonely desperation...

Chatz with writer guy going alarmingly well, I like this chap. I'm disarmingly open with everyone anyway so it skews things, but hey, hm.

Stop it. You're making me actually want to give it a go.

But I always have this kind of half-luck with dating sites.

Like, you start talking to people who are just so almost-right but there's some massive honking problem which means it's never going to work. The last time I actually did OKC, I actually met *(well, online only, we never met up in person, another irritation, he didn't ask and I couldn't seem to suggest it in a way that he understood as an invitation) this lovely bloke who liked beardy festivals and programmed his own operating systems and he actually had long ginger hair and looked a bit like Aphex Twin and I was thinking "ooh, bring it on" but HE WAS A FLAMING CARD CARRYING ATHEIST AND SKEPTIK and kept going on about the Flying Spaghetti Monster because he thought it was funny and couldn't understand why he was winding me up so much when he was taking the piss out of me for not hating religion. And I just thought "this isn't going to work" and stopped writing back. Also, he lived in Oxford, and I thought that was just a bit far.

And yeah, this is probably why I'm still single, that I am too picky and I'm always looking for the catch - but there's "being too picky" and "this is really going to wind me up."

Or else, I'd go on one date with a dude, and it'd be fine, and then the second date would be really boring and I'd feel I was just forcing myself to go through the motions. I think, really, I have just enough "pep" to do one date, and be "on" and chatty and friendly, and then I lapse back into being boring and not wanting to leave the house.

Also, ljubljana, I know I am the LAST person to be taking dating advice from, but honestly.

If you don't feel secure enough in this relationship to not be checking up on whether he's still active on dating sites or not, then it's probably not the relationship for you.

(The moral of the story, from painful experience, is "don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to." Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is.)

The issue isn't really him being "still looking" but that you don't feel secure enough to trust. I don't know if that's because you're not very comfortable yourself, or if because he's not *making* you feel comfortable by his words or actions. But it seems like you need to take some action and make it be *your* action instead of worrying about what he's doing or thinking. It's your relationship, too, isn't it? If it's not, then get out of it.

I can bring any thread to a crashing halt, just by posting on it.

:-(

19 minutes since your advice post is not that long on this thread!

OKC is so public, I guess it felt not like snooping to see if he's still on there. I hope I would never go into anyone's email - I would really hate to be in that situation, and would be furious if anyone did it to me. Whereas if I was still on OKC and knew the person I was dating wasn't, I'd be just waiting for them to say something...

The irony is, I really did trust this person :-( I thought he was probably just arsing around on there, until he started going on every day. But I totally agree about needing to take action. In the next 2 weeks. Probably this w/e.

Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is

surely the reason they checked the emails in the first place was well-founded suspicion?

"I really trust him" vs. "I am looking at his profile every day to notice when he's last logged in."

OK, maybe there's some RomCom ending where you find out that he was logging on because he was worried that *you* were logging on every day.

But like I said, I am the worst, most paranoid person, so my advice is worth the paper it's printed on.

Sorry - I feel really stupid when I post on these kinds of threads, like it's completely exposed and everyone is judging what I say and resounding silence is the WORST JUDGEMENT OF ALL. But there's this weird compulsion thing where I can't stop doing it. Probably better I don't sign up with OKC or something that encourages that feeling even more.

No you're right, logging on to see if he's on is not totally compatible with trust! But I think there are always limits to trust and circumstances where 'trust but verify' is ok. But obv it's easy to veer from that over into simply not trusting.

and as with most relationships, if I was to try to be really accurate about what I think about where it's at, I'd have to write an essay, with footnotes.

Looking at a partners personal computer/emails is a really bad idea and if you're at that point, things are Not Good anyway imo.

The moral of the story, from painful experience, is "don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to." Every girl I've ever known who has checked their boyfriend's email to find out if he's trying to pick up other girls - the answer is invariably, yeah, he is.

Yeah, but don't you want to know the answer? If it is "yes," it will make you miserable, in the short term, but the quicker you deal with it, the less time spent distrusting and resenting and feeling uncomfortable - the quicker you can resolve the issue and move on.

for the record what ljubljana's observing doesn't involved looking at anyone's computer or email. not that anyone's said that, but just for the record.

also for the record, any time anyone i've known who's not normally the paranoid/jealous/controlling/snoopy type has suddenly felt paranoid and snoopy, there's been a reason.

in re OKC in general, internet romance is what it is. some people don't write you back, but most do. some you don't write back, but most you do. some correspondence doesn't go anywhere. some people flake or phantom when you invite them out. some people invite YOU out and then flake or phantom. my only rule of thumb is not to correspond for more than a few messages without proposing a real life meeting, and not to invest too much real-life emotion until i've actually met someone in real life. keep your expectations low and you can be pleasantly surprised often.

fwiw i turned my profile on in 2008 and off in 2009 and back on this year and in the maybe 8 total months it's been active i've met a bunch of cool people I haven't sparked with, a couple of harmless crazies, one long-termer with love on both sides that might have gone differently if the timing had been different for both of us, and one we-shall-see. ymmv.

some people invite YOU out and then flake or phantom.

yes this is the lamest

I wonder if it's worth noting that I've met quite a lot of my partners via the internet - but not a single one by overt Internet Dating.

Most of them were as follows:

- chat on IRC room, start chatting in private chat, get on well, arrange to meet up, date
- chat on Usenet group, start emailing about something or other, get on well, meet up, date
- see friend of a friend post on friend's LJ post/FB post, start talking to them directly, find out you get on well, meet up, date.

Rinse lather repeat for any forum, tbh. Even ILX would apply, if only all the mongrel lads weren't so useless lolol j/k guys <3

I just jump at/start talking to all people who interest me looks/common interests wise, and let it flow, and it works better than you'd think.

Nice OKC guy turned out to be a bit of a perv after only 2 nights chat before Ive even met him, ugh.

Not creepy, still nice, but way way way too foward.

just had a pretty kickass friday night with a girl i met on here. she's new to town so i showed her my fave spots and we hit the one she'd visited on a previous trip. i will prob give her a ride back to her car sometime tomorrow. lol.

kinda shocked at how sober i am given 8 whiskey & cokes + a beer

8!