Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

they forgot about it or something else came up or are busy or decided against it and haven't bothered to let you know

You mean they suck

Been seeing a guy for over 3 months. I came off OKC unilaterally about a month ago but didn't mention it to him. He is still on there. I have snuck on a few times, and saw that a first he was only on every few weeks. Then last week I saw he was on every day.

We have fun and are having a good time but progressing pretty slow. I've met his friends, and his adult daughter, but only once apiece.

Obviously, this serves me right for snooping back on there, and now I've stopped doing that. Can't decide whether to ask him outright if he's still on there. He could be hanging out on there browsing because that's just what a lot of guys do unless someone stops them, or because he's bored with me, or he could be actively messaging someone else. Just can't find the right sodding words or moment. Worried about rocking the boat.

I'm signed up for this site. I've gone on a couple dates as a result.

First date was my first after a messy breakup and I waaaaay overplayed my hand. It went well, and I was immediately all up in her grill. It was dumb, I was overeager, she suddenly "had a lot going on" and didn't have time for a second date.

Second date went well, great conversation, and the girl promptly lost her job and had to stop doing anything social while she job hunted.

In perhaps a telling move, the girl I'm most excited about right now is someone I met at a show a few weeks ago. We were nowhere near the internet at the time.

ljubljana, i obv. don't know the ins and outs but ime not rocking the boat has much more potential downside for you than rocking it. hope it all works out in whatever way is best for you.

hey - a friend of mine met his current gf on this site (they've been together 10 months) - they had tons of mutual friends irl. And if it's working for you - this online dating thing - then fine. Great. But if it isn't, then why continue? To me it just seems really contrived - like amazon's recommendation engine applied to people or something - framing people as products "you might like." I guess if people are intimidating, and you feel alienated from them, then having them framed that way might make it easier to deal with ... i dunno.

Well I signed up out of this mortal fear that cropped up after my last dumping, that I had to find someone soon or I'd be left alone for the rest of my life. Only a certain kind of person is afraid of being left alone for the rest of his life at 24, but there you have it.

In the months since I've realized I have a really easy time meeting people at shows. I'm outgoing, there's common enough interest in meeting at the same show, and you have an excuse to dance.

ljubljana, in your situation I'd just try to gingerly ask if he still had a profile, see where the convo goes from there. It may not have occurred to him that it bothers you! (did you answer that question on the site? lol)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmTJ9fS61QA

doooooo iiit

i need to know our match percentage, jag

I've always had my profile! But I've rewritten the introduction and put some newer photos up. HIT ME UP BRO(ess?)

i am the broest of the bro

but lol will never post profile here

irl and ilx need never meet

If you 'search' my profile, I won't reveal anything!

ljubljana, in your situation I'd just try to gingerly ask if he still had a profile, see where the convo goes from there. It may not have occurred to him that it bothers you!

why pussyfoot? it just leaves dude in the driver's seat. honestly i'd go with "i know you're back on okc. if you're looking to meet people that's your deal but i'm nobody's second option and i'm not hanging around while you do." and then walk out and let him figure out what's important to him.

I know I have to ask him sometime. I'm trying to put it off a couple of weeks in case the spate of activity was an aberration, so that I don't ask just at the peak of it.

The other school of thought is 'talk about the relationship, not the site - the site is irrelevant' but that's not really true, I think.

I think zorn might mean that as I've come off the site, and haven't asked him whether he's still on it, could be he thinks I might be ok with it. Especially if he's just arsing around on there and not looking.

OTOH I can't really argue with your approach, rogermexico, because it's how I really feel. The only thing is how to handle the 'I know you're on there'. I guess I just reinstate my profile and say 'yeah, I went back on to see if you were still there'. I mean, why not? (btw, he never left the site. Hasn't adjusted his profile, but never took it down).

rogermexico is frequently right about things

but I appreciate your perspective too zorn. It reassures me that I am not going out of my mind, since I'm finding it difficult to work out an approach and 'gingerly' certainly describes my preferred way of handling most things to do with dating.

good. i'm probably too careful too.

yeah, i don't really mean to come on all ton-of-bricks. i've just learned that in this stuff it's almost always better, for your self-esteem, which is a precious thing, and also especially if you DO want it to work, to quit than to get fired, especially if you see it coming.

there's nothing to be dramatic about. i don't know what's been discussed in terms of, as they say, going steady, or what degree of monogamy has been assumed vs agreed to, but since this seems important for you at this moment it strikes me as valuable to put it on the table without apology and with a clear sense of what you want, and a willingness to not enter into compromises that may seem "reasonable" but will tend to make you, personally, less happy and less confident and less well-positioned for whatever it is you do want if this turns out not to be it.

which i hope is not the case. i hope that if what you want now is this, dude will be in a place where he can articulate what's up with him and what he thinks he needs now and that the conversation will help you both either make what you have better or make it easier to move on from.

wishing you a good wind at your back.

I just disabled my profile due to IRL hookup!
Kind of hope I never feel the urge to login again, tbh.

I had mine there thru 2 relationships (obv it said I was taken/not looking and my details were sparse). Yet I was still messaged constantly.

Only now have I replied to my first message, guy seems ok (he likes Bab5 and Futurama), and I sent a guy a msg but he's prt young so may ignore it.

But I dont take it srsly nor am I desperate to find anything, so its not a big drama for me. Prob the best approach. I dont "do" dating. I just happen across people and end up in fun (or angst, as the case may be).

Trayce, I was going to ask you about that. Why did you decide not to disable your profile? I think that him keeping it up and saying taken/not looking might be ok with me if I believed that hanging out on there peoplewatching was all he was on there for, but it might still make me uncomfortable.

xpost - thanks, rm. This is all truly very very good advice, I think, very convincingly put.

'Are you seeing anyone else' has been asked some time back and the answer was no. 'Going steady' is a little bit beyond that, I think (implies not looking, whereas 'not seeing anyone' only implies not acting!) and hasn't been discussed, but yeah, that's what I want.

I probably should have had the 'shall we both come off the site' discussion a month ago rather than just quietly disable my own profile.

yeah man English reserve is a double-edged sword and it's usually one swung at one's own throat

Deleting mine tonight. It's just not worth it; if I end up with anyone, anywhere, ever, it's damn sure not going to be based on a faux-casual profile that reeks of desperation and an ugly-ass photo. I'm not sure what if anything would work but this doesn't seem like the right place for me.

TT, i just emailed you btw, not sure how reliable ilx webmail is these days

I get like 2-3 responses for every 10 messages I send. Is this about normal, or am I doomed a childless unhappy existence? (<---- yes, I am kidding)

that's probably better than normal tbh, although I'm closer to a 100% s/r because I don't message anyone unless I'm pretty sure there's gonna be some sort of connection, i.e. about one person every 2 or 3 months

i mean, that way it's kinda nice when you forget about OKC and then someone messages you out of the blue

met someone really nice on this a while ago and asked out...silence. i have done this to people too tho, it's a big divide between the chat and then actually wanting to meet someone. think if you're prepared for that then it's fine and there is still potential to meet good people.

Trayce, I was going to ask you about that. Why did you decide not to disable your profile?

In all honesty because I mostly forgot I had one!

When OKC began in the early oughts, it was actually more of a fun quizzes site than anything else - veryone used to log in and do the INJF or wtf ever theyre called tests.

So I did a bunch of that for fun, then promptly forgot. Layter on I start getting emails and realise its turned into a dating site and people are pinging my profile. Argh!

At that point it was just lol though, so I cut it down to the bare bones, with "I AM TAKEN AND NOT LOOKING" all over it. Never had a partner have an issue with that. Heck, my ex N still comes up in my top 5 matches on there, hee hee ;)

Yargh, scuse the typos all up in my posts of late, I think I need new glasses.

smaller ones that fit less booze

Ya Trayce I can see that. Once taken vs not taken isn't a moot point, and it's palpably for a larf, and especially if you didn't meet on there, it seems ok.

Despite thinking rogermexico's take on this is the right one, I'm still leaving it a while in order for stressful work and accommodation related stuff in 'dude''s life to settle down at least a little bit. Try to have the conversation without other stressy issues hanging around. No more than a couple of weeks though, else I will lose my mind.

turns out zorn_bond.mp3 is a 95% OKCupid match of mine :D

You and my ex.

lol

:/

great profile tho dude you are A+++ positive and full of enthusiasm plus you mention loads of interesting things yr into - would message

smaller ones that fit less booze

Quiet, you!

haw

Kinda funny, actually. This is an ex from long enough ago that there's no more :/. I saw she'd looked at my profile and I messaged her "..........well this is awkward" and a pretty funny and casual exchange ensued. Now we text each other dumb in-jokes every couple of weeks. xxp

that's like my ideal kind of relationship with an ex! the only woman i've truly loved...radio silence for a year and a half now, will probably never be broken if i know what she's like

you are v young - there will be other women

and other silences.

i had a look of mock gloom on my face when i posted that.

when i read your post i thought of LJ being married to a deaf mute and I lolled

fwiw zorn_bond.mp3 I just literally now did a HUGE update on my profile so what you saw isn't what it is any more

u can call me zorn if it is easier to type

thing is zorn it just got a whole lot more anglo so I'm kinda cutting out my burgeoning US market