Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

tracer hand that sounds like the worst, most esteem-wrenching idea ever

well you'd know a hell of a lot quicker if you have any chemistry with the person

or do people actually enjoy the interminable, days-and-weeks long volleys of email exchanges that even then fail to give you much of a picture of what the person is actually like

I used to - no idea what I want these days though! I guess to begin with, my ideal for of dating would be to loosely socialise in a non-forced paradigm, but that's hard to come across.

maybe it's like narnia, if you expect it then it doesn't happen

^

Why are people so against meeting on line as opposed to anywhere else? It's merely a vehicle for starting something. It is no diff to meeting someone in a bar or party. You just have that extra initial step of chatting without the face to face - and I think for a lot of people that really helps (it does me).

I'm not embarrased that Ive dated ppl I first met online.

That was my philosophy too when I spent a whole year not dating people from real life! Which seems to be extending, but with no dates at all!

well if it's on a dating site then - as expressed above - there's an expectation hanging over everything. i think some people feel like they need to "perform", or walk this kind of tightrope in just the right way. if you meet somebody through friends or hanging out or a dinner party or whatever that expectation isn't there so it can feel like less pressure (and unexpected sparks can be more exciting)

What happened was that while there was SOME connection, I frequently rushed into things with the expectation that we'd instantly click IRL - this happened NOT JUST with dating websites, but with meeting people I'd been flirting with from regular messageboards (not ILX) - and what invariably happened was that there wasn't the same chemistry or heart-thumping drive, leading to either some fooling around and then some emptiness, or straight to the emptiness (although not as empty in the latter case).

Hence, now I would have no problem meeting someone from the internet but only in a realm where there's no pressure to date - it's a sort of catch-22. Tracer's last post is OTM - to start with the IRL spark is better than to start with the 'hey we share cultural ground and both write well' because that last thing is a lot of people and that first thing a few.

I'm not ruling anything out, but I don't really want to use a dating SITE - feels a bit forced.

That said, yesterday I refurbished my OKCupid profile because I was coming off as a bit hangdog and contentious. I'm still only going there when I'm messaged, and only replying if the message is DARN persuasive.

I've had nothing but good fortune with OKC. Just gotta not hang too much on it and see what unfolds. I strongly recommend not letting correspondence go too long before taking it to the real world. A couple of messages back and forth is enough.

Getting any reply at all is the problem. I feel dead in the water on there right now. Does wonders for one's self-confidence.

please, all of you, go out and meet people in real life

People in real life actually suck even worse than the ones on the internet.

ime that is not really true, they're usually just about as bad.

@sarahel I hadn't thought of that.

No, they are worse because they are enmeshed in your life in a way that is much harder and/or more painful to detach when they do suck, than people who simply exist at the end of the screen.

(But I shouldn't really be on this thread as it was a platonic relationship that has just crashed and burned, not a romantic one. I just come and browse this thread whenever I'm even tempted to try internet dating again, to remind myself how awful it all is.)

I started using OKC because I was out of school and not meeting people as easily, because the only people I ever did meet were couples or ladies in relationships (Chicago is still the Midwest, AKA the settling down capital of the country), and because I'm essentially an introvert and pretty lacking in the energy and wherewithal to meet & greet a bunch of new people. I went through a lot of dry spells and met a lot of duds (and some nice folks, as well) and I quit OKC more times than I even remember, but I'm now seven months into a wonderful relationship with a wonderful lady that I never would've met without OKC. I would be loathe to completely shut off any possible avenues. You really never know by what road an awesome person will come into your life.

FYI: my profile was pure anti-bullshit. I was very blunt about the fact that I wasn't looking for a relationship (my SO and I were both generally perfectly content to stay single rather than hitching ourselves to a subpar relationship), my flaws as I perceive them, stuff I can't deal with from other people, etc. But I also tried to avoid looking humorless and didactic. I did tend to get a lot of messages about how refreshingly up-front my profile was, so laying it all on the line might not be a bad strategy.

OK help pls what is the story here?, this has happened w/ two different girls in the 1.5 mos. since I registered:.

1) I initiate contact w/ cutie having noted she's made repeated visits to my profile

2) w/o excessive back and forth (3-4 messages each?), she responds enthusiastically ("ready to start planning immediately!," "I will be back in town next week")to date proposal (in one case a SPECIFIC CALENDAR date/event about ten days out, plus a briefer get-to-know-you drink at some undetermined interim point...AND she gave me her #)

3) And...nothing...no message, no return call.

Is this normal? Cuz I am just trying to get my sea legs after years of marriage & am not sure I have emotional fortitude for more of these...

/end pity

It's certainly very similar to a number of my experiences. As I think I've posted about above, I've had a few conversations that seem to be going really well and then just suddenly die, sometimes at the mention of real-life meeting, sometimes out of nowhere.

yeah but this is AFTER real-life meeting has been all set up and with there being no possibility of me having said anything stupid that could have messed it up....wtf

I mean I get that this is all just kind of feeling around in the dark and things come up and no one's beholden (thankfully) but it seems like there should be some kind of minimal explanation standards for just vanishing?

That wasn't a real question obv.

Whatever someone said upthread about people sucking IRL or otherwise....that.

they forgot about it or something else came up or are busy or decided against it and haven't bothered to let you know

You mean they suck

Been seeing a guy for over 3 months. I came off OKC unilaterally about a month ago but didn't mention it to him. He is still on there. I have snuck on a few times, and saw that a first he was only on every few weeks. Then last week I saw he was on every day.

We have fun and are having a good time but progressing pretty slow. I've met his friends, and his adult daughter, but only once apiece.

Obviously, this serves me right for snooping back on there, and now I've stopped doing that. Can't decide whether to ask him outright if he's still on there. He could be hanging out on there browsing because that's just what a lot of guys do unless someone stops them, or because he's bored with me, or he could be actively messaging someone else. Just can't find the right sodding words or moment. Worried about rocking the boat.

I'm signed up for this site. I've gone on a couple dates as a result.

First date was my first after a messy breakup and I waaaaay overplayed my hand. It went well, and I was immediately all up in her grill. It was dumb, I was overeager, she suddenly "had a lot going on" and didn't have time for a second date.

Second date went well, great conversation, and the girl promptly lost her job and had to stop doing anything social while she job hunted.

In perhaps a telling move, the girl I'm most excited about right now is someone I met at a show a few weeks ago. We were nowhere near the internet at the time.

ljubljana, i obv. don't know the ins and outs but ime not rocking the boat has much more potential downside for you than rocking it. hope it all works out in whatever way is best for you.

hey - a friend of mine met his current gf on this site (they've been together 10 months) - they had tons of mutual friends irl. And if it's working for you - this online dating thing - then fine. Great. But if it isn't, then why continue? To me it just seems really contrived - like amazon's recommendation engine applied to people or something - framing people as products "you might like." I guess if people are intimidating, and you feel alienated from them, then having them framed that way might make it easier to deal with ... i dunno.

Well I signed up out of this mortal fear that cropped up after my last dumping, that I had to find someone soon or I'd be left alone for the rest of my life. Only a certain kind of person is afraid of being left alone for the rest of his life at 24, but there you have it.

In the months since I've realized I have a really easy time meeting people at shows. I'm outgoing, there's common enough interest in meeting at the same show, and you have an excuse to dance.

ljubljana, in your situation I'd just try to gingerly ask if he still had a profile, see where the convo goes from there. It may not have occurred to him that it bothers you! (did you answer that question on the site? lol)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmTJ9fS61QA

doooooo iiit

i need to know our match percentage, jag

I've always had my profile! But I've rewritten the introduction and put some newer photos up. HIT ME UP BRO(ess?)

i am the broest of the bro

but lol will never post profile here

irl and ilx need never meet

If you 'search' my profile, I won't reveal anything!

ljubljana, in your situation I'd just try to gingerly ask if he still had a profile, see where the convo goes from there. It may not have occurred to him that it bothers you!

why pussyfoot? it just leaves dude in the driver's seat. honestly i'd go with "i know you're back on okc. if you're looking to meet people that's your deal but i'm nobody's second option and i'm not hanging around while you do." and then walk out and let him figure out what's important to him.

I know I have to ask him sometime. I'm trying to put it off a couple of weeks in case the spate of activity was an aberration, so that I don't ask just at the peak of it.

The other school of thought is 'talk about the relationship, not the site - the site is irrelevant' but that's not really true, I think.

I think zorn might mean that as I've come off the site, and haven't asked him whether he's still on it, could be he thinks I might be ok with it. Especially if he's just arsing around on there and not looking.

OTOH I can't really argue with your approach, rogermexico, because it's how I really feel. The only thing is how to handle the 'I know you're on there'. I guess I just reinstate my profile and say 'yeah, I went back on to see if you were still there'. I mean, why not? (btw, he never left the site. Hasn't adjusted his profile, but never took it down).

rogermexico is frequently right about things

but I appreciate your perspective too zorn. It reassures me that I am not going out of my mind, since I'm finding it difficult to work out an approach and 'gingerly' certainly describes my preferred way of handling most things to do with dating.

good. i'm probably too careful too.

yeah, i don't really mean to come on all ton-of-bricks. i've just learned that in this stuff it's almost always better, for your self-esteem, which is a precious thing, and also especially if you DO want it to work, to quit than to get fired, especially if you see it coming.

there's nothing to be dramatic about. i don't know what's been discussed in terms of, as they say, going steady, or what degree of monogamy has been assumed vs agreed to, but since this seems important for you at this moment it strikes me as valuable to put it on the table without apology and with a clear sense of what you want, and a willingness to not enter into compromises that may seem "reasonable" but will tend to make you, personally, less happy and less confident and less well-positioned for whatever it is you do want if this turns out not to be it.

which i hope is not the case. i hope that if what you want now is this, dude will be in a place where he can articulate what's up with him and what he thinks he needs now and that the conversation will help you both either make what you have better or make it easier to move on from.

wishing you a good wind at your back.

I just disabled my profile due to IRL hookup!
Kind of hope I never feel the urge to login again, tbh.

I had mine there thru 2 relationships (obv it said I was taken/not looking and my details were sparse). Yet I was still messaged constantly.

Only now have I replied to my first message, guy seems ok (he likes Bab5 and Futurama), and I sent a guy a msg but he's prt young so may ignore it.

But I dont take it srsly nor am I desperate to find anything, so its not a big drama for me. Prob the best approach. I dont "do" dating. I just happen across people and end up in fun (or angst, as the case may be).

Trayce, I was going to ask you about that. Why did you decide not to disable your profile? I think that him keeping it up and saying taken/not looking might be ok with me if I believed that hanging out on there peoplewatching was all he was on there for, but it might still make me uncomfortable.

xpost - thanks, rm. This is all truly very very good advice, I think, very convincingly put.

'Are you seeing anyone else' has been asked some time back and the answer was no. 'Going steady' is a little bit beyond that, I think (implies not looking, whereas 'not seeing anyone' only implies not acting!) and hasn't been discussed, but yeah, that's what I want.

I probably should have had the 'shall we both come off the site' discussion a month ago rather than just quietly disable my own profile.

yeah man English reserve is a double-edged sword and it's usually one swung at one's own throat

Deleting mine tonight. It's just not worth it; if I end up with anyone, anywhere, ever, it's damn sure not going to be based on a faux-casual profile that reeks of desperation and an ugly-ass photo. I'm not sure what if anything would work but this doesn't seem like the right place for me.

TT, i just emailed you btw, not sure how reliable ilx webmail is these days

I get like 2-3 responses for every 10 messages I send. Is this about normal, or am I doomed a childless unhappy existence? (<---- yes, I am kidding)