suicide

corey, you're right about some aspects of this world... but giving up is just a giving in. that's easy to say, i know, but i really mean it: don't give in. we love you.

also, just to say: the standards of the world can suck it. i have a fucking master's degree, am terribly underemployed, and am still pretty fucking happy with my life. fuck this culture that equates success with capital.

xp we have a fairly good relationship, but I can't live with my stepfather and I don't want live in Florida ever again

I'm 23

thank you Teddy

are you currently in college or did you just graduate?

I've never gone to college apart from two classes at a community college.

^ OTM. Do your parents understand how you feel in yourself? Would being around them make things worse (like, is there extra level of parental guilt about to be laid down, or will they be cool about it to buy you some time to build some savings while you figure out the next stage?)?

FWIW, I have qualifications coming out my ears and I work as a receptionist. I sussed out a life that allowed me this piss-easy life that made me enough money to get by, and I'm way happier because I've learned to deal with it. It took time, and ILX probably shows that over the years (I was at your stage about five years ago). Reevaluation is good, and an external ear and a bit of breathing to give you the space to do that is invaluable.

xpost, table OTM

is college something you want to do? as much as debt sucks, financial aid does provide a living allowance.

corey, I'm your age and basically the only reason I can afford to live on my own is because I'm in a long-term live-in relationship. I have *tons* of friends in your situation, and I'm sure you know plenty of people too.

you gotta realize that your problems here are *situational* - and life situations change in ways you'd never be able to predict. you could move to another country and teach english. you could find a job doing something you'd never imagine yourself doing.

even though it looks like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, it's still really not the worst place you could be - there are people who are married w/ good jobs / happy situations and who still want to kill themselves cause they're fundamentally depressed.

xp Yes. I want to study music. But I wonder all the time if music is something I've chosen because I'm not good at understanding anything else, like a last hope — and I'm afraid that when/if I do study I'll be surrounded by people who have always been on their path and expose me for a mediocrity.

"over the years (I was at your stage about five years ago). Reevaluation is good"

otm

it's a matter of perspective/cognitive thinking, and for most people i think it either comes over the years, or - if they are aware of it and strong enough mentally-they try to change their thinking (or even try not to think about it at all if thats possible) while it happenns.

study music. you post on a messageboard called I Love Music, i think youll be able to find a way to make it work

iatee, I know. And the feeling comes and goes, regardless of my situation. After I sort of became self-aware and started considering the idea of willpower I would keep telling myself "I'm not a victim! Depression is victim mentality!", but really the fact that I have to keep telling myself this belies the truth.

when i was your age, i was in a similar situation - lost a job that was a "real job" that i'd envisioned as part of a "career" and felt like i'd failed at life. and the only thing more horrible to contemplate than a future as a failure and a nobody was having to move back in with my parents in the crappy small town where i grew up that i'd spent my teenage years doing everything possible to get the fuck out of. my parents totally understood that, and they helped me out financially until i was in a position to pay my own way.

corey, what kind of music do you want to study? and where? Mills has a great program here in Oakland.

if you do end up back w/ your parents, I think a college degree is probably a good goal / thing to plan for / way out of your parents' house - there are actually tons of sources of essentially free money (pell grants, scholarships, school's financial aid) - and florida has pretty decent colleges.

Mills is female-only for undergrad education, only the grad program accepts guys.

xxp classical composition. I'm not really sure where.

check out OBERLIN.

it's expensive, but you can get tons of aid there if they dig yr portfolio. plus the TIMARA program is like, best program evah. i minored in Music Comp there, it was amazing.

sarahel, the same happened to me. And I was happily married with a mortgage and good friends (still am, like, but just to put in context that background circumstances mean bugger all when you feel that worthless in yourself). I just had to reevaluate because I had no other option (other than THE option that this thread's about), and I figured in my better-off moments, when I was receptive and open to good ideas, that I could assess priorities, focus on the positive, yada yada yada. I just took it from there. It doesn't always work, and I'm no hippie happy cheerleader for life, but I'm still here.

corey, there is tons of good advice here. Take on board as a first step towards seeing a way out, even if you can't do it right now.

Oberlin is a really good school for music - of course, one of my friends went to Oberlin for music, then Mills for grad school in music, and is now really bitter because his "reward" is teaching math to juvenile delinquents

i studied with this dude, who unfortunately retired, but has been replaced by an equally awesome dude:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randolph_Coleman

If you're concerned about debt and also on the fence about whether studying is music is the best thing for you, you might want to consider going to a cheaper school - maybe a state school that has a good music program.

anyway, what i'm saying is that there are lots of great places to study that will help you achieve what you want to achieve. so. don't despair. if you ever want to talk, i'm around.

Michigan has an amazing comp program, fwiw

do you like where you are currently living? Are you in Chicago?

moving back to your parents isnt so bad if you know it's temporary - in order to save some money and i don't know when you left your parents, but your old town might look better to you in the eyes of a more grown up guy..

Thank you all.

I'm in Chicago, yes.

Zeno, I moved here just this past January.

otoh it could look even worse and more depressing - depending on what the town is like - like where i grew up, anyone who was smart or interesting moved away, and the people left that are in their 20s are breeding and Wal-Mart shopping their lives away.

That pretty much describes where I moved from.

corey - a good friend of mine did composition at Columbia College - I think he had a good experience

" like where i grew up, anyone who was smart or interesting moved away, and the people left that are in their 20s are breeding and Wal-Mart shopping their lives away"

i'm sure there are at least SOME interesting people there who don't shop their life away at wal-mart (though i know some interesting people who do shop there sometimes!)

I will look into it, but I think I probably need to have my AA before I apply somewhere like that.

Corey, you might not be the only smart person who went back in whatever circumstances. You might even find smart people who never even left! Re-evaluate!

(didn't realise staying in your hometown and breeding in your 20s and going to supermarkets makes you uninteresting, need to re-re-evaluate some of these friendships)

it's a very stifling place, alisa. I don't think I can make anyone understand how bad it is without having them live there for a few years.

Dude, you should totally throw caution to the wind and go to school for what you want to do. You will never regret it even when it sucks. And don't worry about shit like this:

"I'm afraid that when/if I do study I'll be surrounded by people who have always been on their path and expose me for a mediocrity."

A lot of people who have "always been on their path" usually suck anyway. You will be awesome because you actually took a risk to do it. Definitely look at state schools or places with decent scholarships.

Just speaking from exp, obviously

xp - yes there are some interesting people there - they tend to be quite elderly

thank you admrl

yeah adam - otm!

I think, most importantly, the prospect of college could make living with your parents infinitely more bearable because you'd know there was an end date.

college might not get you a great job (hasn't for me or most of my friends! even ones who went to good colleges.) - but it's a good experience, can be much much cheaper than you think and no matter what your situation later in life, it'd be better if you had a degree. doesn't matter from where.

Wal-Mart shopping

Wal-Mart is actually a pretty great place to shop.

wrong thread for culture wars

Hi corey, we haven't really spoken on ILX but you seem like good people and I liked your tracks that you posted on IMM, hope things look up for you

boring politics of depression shit that I guess now is not the time for but I wrote before I'd read the revive, sorry:
I appreciate that it is annoying to hear teenagers talk about catching severe depression from a boy not smiling at them, or when people go "oh depression, my cousin had that for a month - but now they're happy and highly successful!", but I also kind of feel that over-policing the word "depression" (a condition we don't understand v well imo) is possibly counterproductive too

or, to put it in a more me-me-me way, I was pretty ill for a long time before I saw a doctor, but I knew that Real Depressives get upset at the word being used lightly and not as a special serious thing that special serious people have, and thought I should stop presuming I might be special when I was really just lazy and dumb and bad at stuff

and, since depressives tend to think that they are lazy and dumb and bad at stuff, maybe it is good not to draw lines with that on the other side

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can't make a living doing something you (presumably) hate, then try something you actually care about. I completely understand the need for financial security, but I have this naive belief that pursuing something you love every day has a way of working out somehow, AND making everything else in your life improve exponentially. I'm definitely an advocate for counseling and even medication for this stuff, but so much of it is situational as well (sorry for such a cliche). Sometimes when everything seems broken you only need to fix one thing and the rest seems to sort itself out somehow.

xp - I prefer Target tbh

xp - I prefer Target tbh - the frozen food section has motion sensor lights - it's like being in that "Kitchen of the Future" industrial film from 1960(?)

corey, I just wanna point out to you that 23 isn't even at the starting gate yet. I know it's rough times sometimes but seriously, you gotta take my word for this, you won't even remember 23 in about 3 years. you are just getting your feet under you. so, get them feet under you. my life did not really begin before I was 26, fwiw.

"think, most importantly, the prospect of college could make living with your parents infinitely more bearable because you'd know there was an end date."

and because studying would keep youre thoughts away, at least to some degree from "i hate this town etc" thoughts

corey, I just wanna point out to you that 23 isn't even at the starting gate yet. I know it's rough times sometimes but seriously, you gotta take my word for this, you won't even remember 23 in about 3 years. you are just getting your feet under you. so, get them feet under you. my life did not really begin before I was 26, fwiw.

― gross rainbow of haerosmith (underrated aerosmith albums I have loved), Tuesday, August 10, 2010 6:02 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yeah. when you said you're 23...i mean it's heartbreaking to me that you're that young and feel like a failure...that is literally impossible as far as i'm concerned. i guess it's easier to say than feel but try not to be so hard on yourself.