suicide

haha sylvian plath

david sylvian plath

Reading upthread — How is your brother, Abbott?

I like Abbott too

Abott is nice, smart and humble. a rare combination. gotta love her.

me too, very much
xp
yes <3

Yesterday I spent some time with a person who may have a learning disability. I feel guilty after being exposed to such a person because am I getting a psychological lift from having external problems not so great? Is it wrong to say to myself, well could be worse, I could have no arms or legs or be permanently blind and isn't that also a pitying condescending attitude?

Basically what you're saying is this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn6DELVwXjU

(Apols if inappropriate, btw Abbott you are great!)

Just checking in to say that you've all already made all of the points I was going to make. (This was the wrong day to get called in to work, I guess.)

Reading upthread — How is your brother, Abbott?

Ah...my brother is a lot better! My parents finally started taking him seriously & they actually listened to a doctor's advice, got meds, etc. He got some therapy, he is taking better care of his diabetes, and he is closer to not living with my parents anymore so I think that makes him happy. He got a driver's license, which is some kind of icon of freedom and adulthood. It also sounds like he made some weirdo friends who are into the same stuff he is. My brother wins the award for Basically Coolest Human of All Time so I am glad his thoughts are happy ones & not ones of death. And, corey, it really means a lot to me that you asked.

Reading that brought a tear to my eye. Glad to hear it, all of it!

aw, that's great to hear!

i am also happy to hear the good news about your brother, Abbott!

I'm glad that things are getting better with him, too.

Very glad indeed. :-)

Okay.

My brain has been leading me into these patterns of negative thoughts lately. I have no money for food, I've basically had to steal change from my roommate's bedroom in order to even go to work. At work I'm too angry to deal with customers. I got a parking ticket I know I can't pay in time, and if I don't it will double in cost. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pay rent this month. I feel like this country basically says "fuck you" to anyone who isn't already on the right path to begin with. I feel like college is an institution for the elite and fuck anyone else who can't afford to shell out thousands of dollars for a bunch of fucking courses that you don't even care about in a classroom with a bunch of fucking kids who don't care whether they're there or not. I would rather die than go back and live with my parents again and fail yet again for the third time in my adult life. I've thought about myself being dead more often than ever for the past month. I don't know what to do.

I imagine you are very far from the only person here with those circumstances, but if they are really driving you to say you'd "rather die than...", well, anything, really... you need to get professional help.

what makes you feel like you've failed twice and are in danger of failing a third time?

xp I can't afford counseling.

Having tried to live on my own and having to move back with my parents again.

answering sarahel's question I mean

financial independence is something to value, true, but it shouldn't be the sole determinant of your self worth. the economy sucks right now. i have tons of friends going through existential crises because their unemployment has run out or is about to run out.

they're not contemplating suicide, however, just trying to figure out wtf to do with their lives. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Is it something where you can borrow money from them so you can continue to live independently?

how old are you?

corey, you're right about some aspects of this world... but giving up is just a giving in. that's easy to say, i know, but i really mean it: don't give in. we love you.

also, just to say: the standards of the world can suck it. i have a fucking master's degree, am terribly underemployed, and am still pretty fucking happy with my life. fuck this culture that equates success with capital.

xp we have a fairly good relationship, but I can't live with my stepfather and I don't want live in Florida ever again

I'm 23

thank you Teddy

are you currently in college or did you just graduate?

I've never gone to college apart from two classes at a community college.

^ OTM. Do your parents understand how you feel in yourself? Would being around them make things worse (like, is there extra level of parental guilt about to be laid down, or will they be cool about it to buy you some time to build some savings while you figure out the next stage?)?

FWIW, I have qualifications coming out my ears and I work as a receptionist. I sussed out a life that allowed me this piss-easy life that made me enough money to get by, and I'm way happier because I've learned to deal with it. It took time, and ILX probably shows that over the years (I was at your stage about five years ago). Reevaluation is good, and an external ear and a bit of breathing to give you the space to do that is invaluable.

xpost, table OTM

is college something you want to do? as much as debt sucks, financial aid does provide a living allowance.

corey, I'm your age and basically the only reason I can afford to live on my own is because I'm in a long-term live-in relationship. I have *tons* of friends in your situation, and I'm sure you know plenty of people too.

you gotta realize that your problems here are *situational* - and life situations change in ways you'd never be able to predict. you could move to another country and teach english. you could find a job doing something you'd never imagine yourself doing.

even though it looks like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, it's still really not the worst place you could be - there are people who are married w/ good jobs / happy situations and who still want to kill themselves cause they're fundamentally depressed.

xp Yes. I want to study music. But I wonder all the time if music is something I've chosen because I'm not good at understanding anything else, like a last hope — and I'm afraid that when/if I do study I'll be surrounded by people who have always been on their path and expose me for a mediocrity.

"over the years (I was at your stage about five years ago). Reevaluation is good"

otm

it's a matter of perspective/cognitive thinking, and for most people i think it either comes over the years, or - if they are aware of it and strong enough mentally-they try to change their thinking (or even try not to think about it at all if thats possible) while it happenns.

study music. you post on a messageboard called I Love Music, i think youll be able to find a way to make it work

iatee, I know. And the feeling comes and goes, regardless of my situation. After I sort of became self-aware and started considering the idea of willpower I would keep telling myself "I'm not a victim! Depression is victim mentality!", but really the fact that I have to keep telling myself this belies the truth.

when i was your age, i was in a similar situation - lost a job that was a "real job" that i'd envisioned as part of a "career" and felt like i'd failed at life. and the only thing more horrible to contemplate than a future as a failure and a nobody was having to move back in with my parents in the crappy small town where i grew up that i'd spent my teenage years doing everything possible to get the fuck out of. my parents totally understood that, and they helped me out financially until i was in a position to pay my own way.

corey, what kind of music do you want to study? and where? Mills has a great program here in Oakland.

if you do end up back w/ your parents, I think a college degree is probably a good goal / thing to plan for / way out of your parents' house - there are actually tons of sources of essentially free money (pell grants, scholarships, school's financial aid) - and florida has pretty decent colleges.

Mills is female-only for undergrad education, only the grad program accepts guys.

xxp classical composition. I'm not really sure where.

check out OBERLIN.

it's expensive, but you can get tons of aid there if they dig yr portfolio. plus the TIMARA program is like, best program evah. i minored in Music Comp there, it was amazing.

sarahel, the same happened to me. And I was happily married with a mortgage and good friends (still am, like, but just to put in context that background circumstances mean bugger all when you feel that worthless in yourself). I just had to reevaluate because I had no other option (other than THE option that this thread's about), and I figured in my better-off moments, when I was receptive and open to good ideas, that I could assess priorities, focus on the positive, yada yada yada. I just took it from there. It doesn't always work, and I'm no hippie happy cheerleader for life, but I'm still here.

corey, there is tons of good advice here. Take on board as a first step towards seeing a way out, even if you can't do it right now.

Oberlin is a really good school for music - of course, one of my friends went to Oberlin for music, then Mills for grad school in music, and is now really bitter because his "reward" is teaching math to juvenile delinquents

i studied with this dude, who unfortunately retired, but has been replaced by an equally awesome dude:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randolph_Coleman

If you're concerned about debt and also on the fence about whether studying is music is the best thing for you, you might want to consider going to a cheaper school - maybe a state school that has a good music program.

anyway, what i'm saying is that there are lots of great places to study that will help you achieve what you want to achieve. so. don't despair. if you ever want to talk, i'm around.

Michigan has an amazing comp program, fwiw

do you like where you are currently living? Are you in Chicago?

moving back to your parents isnt so bad if you know it's temporary - in order to save some money and i don't know when you left your parents, but your old town might look better to you in the eyes of a more grown up guy..

Thank you all.

I'm in Chicago, yes.

Zeno, I moved here just this past January.