suicide

i thought that the only real thing missing from my life was my 'soul mate' and once (or if) i found them my life would be pretty much perfect. i DID find that person and he is actually perfect in every possible way... but i'm still me. yes, now i have this amazing supportive person who is there for me 24/7, which is fantastic. but depression/anxiety/mental disorders aren't cured by love. maybe alleviated a little, but def not cured. so in some ways i feel like it's worse, bc before you meet that person, you can hold onto that hope that a relationship will save you.

i don't if the broken leg metaphor is the best one - i think it's more like having a weakened immune system. The big difference is resilience - the ability to bounce back, or to shrug stuff off.

Your mileage may vary.

Weakened immune system doesn't work as a metaphor for me, because when I'm in manic phase, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BOTHERS ME AT ALL!!! but that doesn't mean that my mind is functioning normally.

Unipolar depression, though, may be different.

i thought that's what we were talking about? After reading about everyone else on here's experience w/SSRIs, I feel really fortunate that my negative side-effects are really minor: like reduced tolerance to the effects of alcohol and slower metabolism, which means i end up getting a decent amount of physical exercise.

OK, I will remove myself from the conversation as clearly I'm not qualified to talk about my experiences.

Yesterday I spent some time with a person who may have a learning disability. I feel guilty after being exposed to such a person because am I getting a psychological lift from having external problems not so great? Is it wrong to say to myself, well could be worse, I could have no arms or legs or be permanently blind and isn't that also a pitying condescending attitude? I guess depression isn't something you should think your way out of....which is funny because at least one counselor told me that my thinking was too negative.

OK, I will remove myself from the conversation as clearly I'm not qualified to talk about my experiences.

What was posted in this thread that led you to write that?

It's hard, and it's painful enough to talk about this stuff in public.

But when someone goes and tells you - when you have stated that you are talking about your illness and your experience of it - that your metaphor is not valid or helpful, and then tells you "oh, but we're talking about something else" when you stated that you were talking about something not entirely similar but related - it really does feel like being shut down and excluded and told to get out of the conversation.

I should not participate in ILX discussions of depression or suicide or mental illness. It is not helpful and it only ends with people upset and unhappy and feeling misunderstood.

OH, fuck it. Please remove my post and the one before it. I don't want another slapdown on ILX for being the crazy angry lady who can't explain herself. Again.

Geez Kate, of course you are qualified to talk about your experiences! I don't want to play thread police. I was just under the impression that we were discussing, as you put it, "unipolar depression" - but you can contribute in any way that you want - you can talk about bipolar disorder, or unicorns, or pizza or whatever. It's just a thread on ilx.

^^ okay, i did not mean that at all sarcastically - basically, this is just a form of conversation, and conversations shift in focus or derail or become a series of goofy jokes or puns IRL, so policing them just seems silly to me as long as they remain functional and productive conversations, which this is.

at the risk of derailing this thread, i just want to publicly thank everyone who came to my aid several months ago. i think -- i HOPE -- that things are seriously on the mend on my end (though i have no real promise that that is so). but things have gotten quite better since i originally was here, and i am so very grateful to everyone who reached out to me.

:)

(to tad, obv)

Yes, that's good to hear.

i've often thought about suicide and the hardest thing is working out how exactly to do it. i have no access to guns which is probably the easiest/swiftest method, jumping off a high building is too risky (not guaranteed to work and you might just end up an invalid), ditto overdose, drowning far too scary, hanging too morbid, slitting wrists too goth. and then there's the guilt over how it will affect your loved ones. if anyone is aware of a suicide technique that avoids any of the above issues, please let me know!

volcano

if you're thinking of methods to do it, then you're far gone enough to need some help. seriously.

i don't think there's a method that avoids affecting your loved ones.

I'm afraid we're mostly here to discourage ppl from ciding their sui instead of helping them find the best way to do it, r1o.

Or wait. I know the perfect method and I'll tell you in 2060.

Yeah, it's not a "C/D" kinda thread. There's got to be some kind of modicum of respect, methinks.

Call me names, but I've thought seriously about the same thing r10 just said, and that's been a real deterrent for me to killing myself.

I guess that statement deserves some explanation: what I mean is that often suicide would seem appealing to me, but the ultimate physical reality of seeing myself as a corpse and nothing more is frightening enough to keep me from ever doing it.

r10 just came off as a touch, um, glib...no problem with what you just said, at all, corey. In fact I'm sure you are not alone in that thought

sorry that my thoughts of suicide aren't as authentic as others on this thread. i'll try to be more genuine next time

oh dear.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

slitting wrists too goth

4 real

i guess i forgot the sylvian plath technique in my write up

haha sylvian plath

david sylvian plath

Reading upthread — How is your brother, Abbott?

I like Abbott too

Abott is nice, smart and humble. a rare combination. gotta love her.

me too, very much
xp
yes <3

Yesterday I spent some time with a person who may have a learning disability. I feel guilty after being exposed to such a person because am I getting a psychological lift from having external problems not so great? Is it wrong to say to myself, well could be worse, I could have no arms or legs or be permanently blind and isn't that also a pitying condescending attitude?

Basically what you're saying is this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn6DELVwXjU

(Apols if inappropriate, btw Abbott you are great!)

Just checking in to say that you've all already made all of the points I was going to make. (This was the wrong day to get called in to work, I guess.)

Reading upthread — How is your brother, Abbott?

Ah...my brother is a lot better! My parents finally started taking him seriously & they actually listened to a doctor's advice, got meds, etc. He got some therapy, he is taking better care of his diabetes, and he is closer to not living with my parents anymore so I think that makes him happy. He got a driver's license, which is some kind of icon of freedom and adulthood. It also sounds like he made some weirdo friends who are into the same stuff he is. My brother wins the award for Basically Coolest Human of All Time so I am glad his thoughts are happy ones & not ones of death. And, corey, it really means a lot to me that you asked.

Reading that brought a tear to my eye. Glad to hear it, all of it!

aw, that's great to hear!

i am also happy to hear the good news about your brother, Abbott!

I'm glad that things are getting better with him, too.

Very glad indeed. :-)

Okay.

My brain has been leading me into these patterns of negative thoughts lately. I have no money for food, I've basically had to steal change from my roommate's bedroom in order to even go to work. At work I'm too angry to deal with customers. I got a parking ticket I know I can't pay in time, and if I don't it will double in cost. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pay rent this month. I feel like this country basically says "fuck you" to anyone who isn't already on the right path to begin with. I feel like college is an institution for the elite and fuck anyone else who can't afford to shell out thousands of dollars for a bunch of fucking courses that you don't even care about in a classroom with a bunch of fucking kids who don't care whether they're there or not. I would rather die than go back and live with my parents again and fail yet again for the third time in my adult life. I've thought about myself being dead more often than ever for the past month. I don't know what to do.

I imagine you are very far from the only person here with those circumstances, but if they are really driving you to say you'd "rather die than...", well, anything, really... you need to get professional help.

what makes you feel like you've failed twice and are in danger of failing a third time?

xp I can't afford counseling.

Having tried to live on my own and having to move back with my parents again.

answering sarahel's question I mean