I'm an alcoholic

no good advice from me I'm afraid, but best of luck!

just curious -- any chance you're willing to share what prompted you to come to this conclusion? i understand if you don't want to document it here, but i'm a little curious as to how people come to this conclusion. it seems like a hard one to make and what many might consider a gray area, especially if they are behaving like others in their social circle.... either way, good luck dude.

don't have any experience w/ this personally or, thankfully, w/ in my family, so i'm just here to wish good luck and offer love

stay strong, it'll be worth it

echoing j0rdan's sentiments - <3 u t, you're a tough kid and i know you'll persevere

I have lots of clean and sober friends. They all went through NA/AA. None of them were religious before and none of them got religion after coming out the other side, but they all grumble/kvetch about the religiosity of NA/AA. Not to speak for them, but my sense is that the tradeoff of putting up with the "higher power" rhetoric of some AA/NA folk was worth staying clean (from alcohol and heroin, mostly). The good news is that they are still alive, and they're much, much happier. People in recovery do amazing stuff with the time/energy that used to go into getting fucked up. Teddy, I know you can do this, and I want to reassure you that you're still going to be you on the other side of this transformation.

12 step = running away long and fast and forever. fuck being cured by magic

good luck. this thread makes me feel i should look at my own habits, i am pretty sure by plenty of definitions i am an alcoholic, but then so are loads of people i know. and i hold down a job and never drink in the day etc.

Hi there, and good luck with this, TTITT

I've had lifelong problems with alcohol (and I do mean lifelong) but what follows is representative only of my experience, the biggest thing that I've learned WRT addiction is that one size does not fit all.

I have had nothing but bad experiences with AA. That's not even down the religious aspect, it's down to my particular personality - that I found it overly dependent on a certain kind of peer pressure and a group mentality. If you're a community minded person who has no trouble "joining" that may work for you. For me, it had the opposite effect - being in a room full of people saying they weren't going to drive only made me want to run the hell out of there and go drink some more. I was told this was some kind of adolescent rebellion - no, it's not. That maverick, "not the joining kind" thing is a deep part of my personality, and I don't want to have to fight against *it* as well as addiction, to help myself.

I've been to rehab twice, it did no good at all. I had a court order to stop drinking for a year while I was on probation - I quit for the year, no problem, then threw myself back into drinking, aggressively, when the probation was over.

I have not stopped, dead, but I finally, in my late 30s, came to a sensible relationship with drinking.

Part of that was going on SSRIs - that they did somehow flip a switch in my head, that that kind of *rush* I used to get when I started to get drunk (that "woooo! let's do this more! and more! and more! until we all fall down!") just didn't engage. Drinking made me tired and kind of sleepy, so if I wanted to drink at social situations, I had to have one and stop. (And I could do that, because the "whee! let's drink more!" urge never kicked in.)

But:
1) this was about the kind of alcoholic that I was, that I could say no to the first drink, I could even say no to the second drink, if I hadn't caught a buzz off it, but once that buzz had caught hold, I was gonna be there til I passed out, and nothing would stop me.

2) I would NOT recommend SSRIs as a method *solely* of coming off drink, as they are deeply addictive (or habit-forming or whatever they want to call it) - coming off SSRIs was harder than any alcohol detox I have ever done.

What did help is that while I was on SSRIs, I had to totally dismantle and reassemble certain aspects of my personality and large chunks of the *way* that I socialised.

It will hurt, but if you have friends that you are only ever around when you're drinking, you have to lose them. For other people - well, I live in England, which is a very pro-alcoholic society, I had to come up with valid excuses that could not be "aw, but come on!"-ed out of. "Sorry, I physically can't, I'm on medication" was a very good one. There were whole situations that I had to just remove from my life if I couldn't do without drinking - work socialising, I make an excuse every time and just don't go. After 1 or 2 times of you missing the work Xmas do, people stop asking. In a way, you kind of have to rebrand yourself as a non-drinker. I did this in my new job, when I started, I told my boss "I'm not really a pub kinda person" and always refused offers until people got the idea that I Was A Non-Drinker. (Once you have established this idea in their heads, and, more importantly, *yours*, you can start to go back to "oh, alright, I'l have a half glass of champagne at someone's birthday" but getting drunk, getting buzzed, is pretty much off the menu.)

Other situations that you associate really heavily with drinking - you may find your enjoyment of them affected. I learned to play gigs, as a musician, without drinking, but I started to realise that I didn't actually *enjoy* them, so I stopped. Sexuality became a huge no-go area for me, because I realised how hard it was for me to have sex without being drunk. I haven't figured a way around that one, yet. There are many social situations that I don't feel up to, without drinking - the idea of sitting in a pub for four hours to celebrate someone's birthday is actually kinda intolerable to me. Yeah, it's affected my relationships with friends when I say that I'll go to something, and then cometh the day, I just don't feel up to it - so I JUST DON'T GO. It sucks. It isn't fun. I've had to let go of a lot of the idea of me as "a fun person" if I can't *do* "fun" without being drunk. I still have social anxiety issues I have to deal with, but I'd rather deal with them than the alcoholism that was masking them. It seems more permanent. (And also holds out the hope that I will be able to "do" alcohol again in social situations that I don't find so difficult.)

As to the detox thing. That is probably something you are going to have to see a medical doctor about. I've done cold turkey detox in the criminal system - not fun. I can't tell if "a few beers during the day" means you go all day without drinking and then have to have a few beers at night to get you to bed, or if it means you crack open a stella (or your local equivalent) at breakfast and sozzle quietly through the whole day. The former is the kind of thing you can actually crack on your own through changing your habits (and will probably require reduction, not cold turkey - try doing it every other day, and on the days you don't, substitute some other really relaxing activity - take a bath, drinking chamomile tea while listening to classical music, have soppy sex and a backrub - whatever works for you - and try to find psychological ways of dealing with stress related sleep disorders.) If it's the latter, and you are drinking all day, every day - go to a doctor. That requires medical attention.

Sorry this is so overly long, and probably only really applicable to my personal situations, and not to yours. I just wanted to get across the idea that a person *can* do it - even if AA is not an option. It isn't *easy* but it is doable, and it is survivable.

Good luck to you both. You can do this.

Christ, that's even longer than I thought. Sorry.

I'm gonna run away now before I chicken out and ask a mod to remove it for fear of ILX and IRL repercussions for having been so honest. Sorry.

Shit, that'll teach me to post without proofreading for fear of not posting at all. Third paragraph should be:

being in a room full of people saying they weren't going to drive drink only made me want to run the hell out of there and go drink some more.

Best of luck with this, table. Realising that you have a drink problem is a big necessary step, well done.
My history: heavy drinker for 10 years, sober & teetotal for the past 8. I have to say that most of the time I still badly miss being able to have a drink, but...

"woooo! let's do this more! and more! and more! until we all fall down!"

^^^ realising that this wasn't fun or enjoyable any more really helped me stay off the booze during the first couple of years. Also, breaking contact with people who I used to hang out and get slaughtered with.

hey table, I don't have any advice to give but I'm really impressed by your openness and your ability to face the problem. Alcoholism runs in my family, but so does stubborn pride and an inability to talk about things or ask for help (esp if it's something with guilt involved, like drinking when you shouldn't), and I've seen it cause a lot of sadness over the years. So kudos to you, and I wish you the best of luck.

Superb post Kate, thanks. Um I think Dave Q said once (not to treat him as some Great Sage, but he's a smart guy) that if people who care abt you think you have a drinking problem, you have one. Haven't come across a better definition since. Alcoholism is v good friends w selfdeception.

<3s and good luck dude

Good luck, beat the demon, you *can* do it. I have seen alcohol destroy people and it sucks big time.

I am not an alcoholic, but my family members ABC and CBS both spent time as RAGING out of control alcoholics. Counseling and medications or whatever just perpetuate the isolation that an alcoholic experiences ("no one understands me", "I can't identify my problems", "I hate my job / neighbors so-called 'friends'"). ABC used to berate me too for being carefree. I said what kind of future should be spent with a miserable no-life person like YOU. He said that my "spiritual" attitude was idiotic and had no place in today's society. Cutting him out of my life for a few years helped. He had abandoned or trash-talked all his old friends too. The "success" model had gotten to him. Then he got fired from his job at a really super prestigious corporation (now disgraced ha ha - no I'm not telling you which one) and was forced into a spiritual crisis. I am in favor of this "tough love" approach. He ended up being bailed out by his "dumb" old friends.

Just as ABC was recovering, CBS developed a life-threatening alcohol problem, I mean going out several times a week and coming home staggering drunk and blacking out, ending up in the hospital. So then CBS and ABC were fighting, oblivious to everyone they were affecting. It didn't help that she dropped out of school and couldn't keep a job. CBS ended up in jail and everything. Same thing, caught up in work and money only fighting things and people that weren't worth fighting. I said I am sick of you complaining, just cut the bitches out of your life. So what if you are poor and have a criminal record, if you stop being a miserable drunk someone who believes in you will eventually take you under their wing.

Like I said, tough love works. So do socialization and group activities like vacations, healthy projects, going outside instead of sitting in front of the television. The alcoholic needs to get out of the isolation and counseling and pills and even some "programs" that berate or guilt trip the individual don't necessarily do that. Anti-individual attitudes are BAD, they end up creating lonely unhappy frustrated people, and a lot of alcohol programs aren't positive in nature, they are all about what the alcoholic is doing wrong and how the leader is always right.

Doesn't a person drink because they feel bad about themselves? Maybe I am wrong, but I lived with two alcoholics and they stopped drinking when they stopped trying to be someone else. Cut the negative influence from your life and develop yourself.

webmailing you, but hang in there.

Doesn't a person drink because they feel bad about themselves? Maybe I am wrong, but I lived with two alcoholics and they stopped drinking when they stopped trying to be someone else. Cut the negative influence from your life and develop yourself.

people drink and are alcoholics for all kinds of different reasons.

Agreed, but u s steel's description accurately describes me back then.

hey table, I don't have any advice to give but I'm really impressed by your openness and your ability to face the problem. Alcoholism runs in my family, but so does stubborn pride and an inability to talk about things or ask for help (esp if it's something with guilt involved, like drinking when you shouldn't), and I've seen it cause a lot of sadness over the years. So kudos to you, and I wish you the best of luck.

― the dialectic of specs (c sharp major),

^ can only echo this and repeat my honest admiration for your strength in attempting this in such an open way right off the bat.

and though kate and i have been butting heads lately, that was a fantastic post from her.

And tough love only works in very specific circumstances and with certain types of people--it can backfire, horribly, if used indiscriminately. (Or for things other than addictions--I'm not going to get into how I think the whole tough love philosophy has been a corrosive influence on the US since it started in the early eighties. That really belongs in one of the US Politics threads.)

Both parents are alcoholics and I know too well what it does to people, so I'm glad you've decided to stop it (relatively) early on.

What worked for you to help you quit drinking last time? Seems to me that while whatever you did was good enough to work for a short while, there are deeper problems that maybe you didn't address.

Not knowing all of your circumstances (not that anyone needs to in a public forum), it is difficult to give advice. Sometimes people are in an intractable situation that isn't entirely their fault and probably won't quit drinking until they are free of it, as in my story about my relative CBS.

Going back to Kate's post upthread (which was good, Kate, you shouldn't worry about it) - the peer pressure stuff is largely internal. My social circle (which intersects with Ted's) revolves a lot around drinking and smoking pot. But there are people in that circle that don't drink and/or don't smoke pot that aren't not seen as "fun people". Obviously, if you don't feel like a fun person and are not having fun in a situation, then the other people are gonna pick up on that. But, for the most part, esp. if booze and weed are involved, the other people are not really gonna be focused on whether or not you're indulging yourself.

yeah, OTM sarahel there. i know plenty of people who don't drink but smoke, who don't smoke but drink, etc.

anyway, i'm gonna answer some questions:

- in terms of how i came to this conclusion, i've known for a while. probably about a year. but only recently have i been coming 'clean' with myself about it, and not just laughing it off as if it was some sort of joke. bicycle accidents are scary. not remembering how i got home is scary. not being able to fall asleep without some alcohol in me is scary. so... yeah.

- ilxor akm: thanks, i got your webmail, and it's good to know that AA stuff is mostly secular out here. i'll hit you up with an email later today.

- kate, yeah, what you describe is what i fear. at the same time, i've spent months not drinking at all, and i've still been able to function both socially and creatively. it's just that it's been awhile. i refuse to go back on SSRIs or anything like that because they made me feel dead inside. nonetheless, thanks for your advice and support.

- um, in terms of HOW i drink: i mostly drink beer and malt liquor, occasionally whiskey. when i say i need to drink in order to fall asleep at night, it's not that i drink all day. i need to drink about two beers right before i fall asleep in order to have any sort of fitful rest.

- the last time i cut back dramatically, i was aided by a few things: a good friend had just been checked into the first of many rehab stints, i had had a violent outburst towards a friend. for years, i didn't drink much at all. i did A LOT of LSD and smoked pot on the regs, which helped somewhat, as it made me find alcohol repulsive. it was really when i was unemployed and living in a college town a few years back that my drinking started in earnest again, and hasn't abated since, though i've moved and created a different life for myself out here.

- i don't feel bad about myself, and have no desire to be someone else. i wish i wasn't poor, but don't we all.

- in all honesty, neither myself nor my parents have resources to do an official rehab stint. i drank very little last night (about a 40 oz), slept pretty well, and woke up feeling great this morning. the BF and i talked last night and we're going to cut back DRAMATICALLY together. it'll be really hard, but i also think that we can do it.

to everyone: thanks so much for your support and advice. you people are truly wonderful, and i love you.

If you need to talk, tabes, I'm here.

xp - you know i'm around and you know i think you're an awesome guy

But Kate - you're totally right about the "whoo! let's keep going until we fall down" rush - I had that Thurs night (and it had been quite a while) - but then while I was sitting away from my friends, discreetly puking into a trash can, the appeal of that quickly evaporated. And I resolved, "Never again!" but of course I question the meaning of "never" - but it was a good check.

I can highly recommend this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/ which is also mentioned upthread. Quit drinking completely for 5 months last year just to see if i could, which was a big deal for someone who'd been hammering the booze pretty hard for the preceeding 5 years. Very frienly place it seemed while i was on it. Hope it works out.

I went to a really good rehab for addiction several years ago, but you had to have insurance for it. I wish people without insurance or sufficient coverage could get rehab like that. Only thing is you have to sit through interesting but depressing sessions with recovering heroin and cocaine addicts and then you feel guilty like you are spying on them.

Alcohol, you need to change your lifestyle. I used to spend too much time with the above people and other unnamed alcoholics and it dragged me down. That means changing your lifestyle and possibly your social circle, joining clubs or a gym or outdoors activity, taking a class etc.

much love and support to you, t3ddy <3

I've been to AA. It helped, I made it 9 mths and then...

But again, much suppo

So... yeah :'-(

In no way do I intend to hijack table's thread, or to frighten table once he sees this thread being bumped, hope he's doing great. But this thread seems most appropriate for something I just need to get off my chest. Emphasis on need, as opposed to want. I'm an ilx-regular but cannot bring myself to do this under my usual display name (please, no "guessing games" in here as to who I am, it's too serious an issue for that, I hope you will all respect that)

For nearly three years now, I have been drinking approximately two bottles of red wine a night. Sometimes it's a bit less, sometimes a bit more, but if I had to ballpark it, I'd say I average 1.5 bottles of red wine. Per night. Every single night.

Nearly three years. Ridiculous as it may sound, realising the sheer magnitute of how long that actually is only very recently struck me. A 1000 fucking days. And counting. Deep down I have known for a long time already that this is not good, but I didn't want to hear it, I suppose. Didn't want to acknowledge I had a problem. But I do.

Some random thoughts:
1) The "problem" is that I don't really get drunk anymore. Big surprise after this steady intake for so long huh? But getting drunk, and enduring the hangover the next day, would mean the body screaming out NO! THIS NO GOOD!. I've not had that for a loooong time. Which kind of made it less of a pressing issue, made it easier to dismiss I have a problem.
2) I function perfectly okay during the day. I have a job that carries a lot of responsibility, it asks a lot of me, and I deliver. My responsibility doesn't end with dealing with the outside world, it also means dealing with staff, people you see every day, being a superior. I'm basically the sole person responsible for a company that has a $2.5 million turnover per annum and has seven or eight people employed. And yet this massive intake of alcohol doesn't hinder me to do my job properly. Many a times I wish that it had, earlier...
3) I am not plagued or warned by any physical hindrance or health problems because of all this drinking. I am not gaining weight as people usually do when drinking a lot, I'm a thirty-something and am not experiencing any health issues. Yet.

Ofcourse any fool can reason that drinking two bottles of wine every night, for three years now, can't be healthy. It just can't. Right? Please tell me I am right in assuming this. For in a twisted way I miss having warning signs or alarm bells going off with regards to my health. But surely it can't be right. I do think that the lack of physical inconveniences contributed to me sticking my head in the sand for a long time. I am inclined that way, a bit, and it runs in the family; but that's all knowledge I secretly gathered after the fact, after I found myself in this position.

But sticking my head in the sand, ignoring or making light of it; I feel I can't do that, not anymore. It is the reason I am writing this and sending these bytes into cyberspace. I thought about doing this for a long time, had many a doubt, but the urge to just get this out on here is too strong. I suppose that's a good thing, acknowledging something isn't quite right?

I am afraid that I am damaging my health (which I obviously am), and noone in my close proximity has any idea about this. My family doesn't know, at work they have no idea, even my loving girlfriend knows nothing about this...

I don't know anymore. AA is out of the question, I am allergic to religion. Also, for shame. And I know how idiotic this may sound (but it illustrates the habituality of my drinking), but I am afraid of not drinking. I don't even know what other people drink at night. How do they get by? Tea? Water? I honestly can't even imagine what that's like, which makes me infinitely sad all the same.

If you made it this far you are as patient as a saint, I am sorry for wasting your time on a "lol drunk on the internet". But I felt I had no choice but to write this down, to finally acknowledge that I have a problem, if only to myself. Sorry for this way tl;dr post. But I don't know what to do anymore.

have you tried to not drink? like, "tonight i'm just not going to"? do you get anxious/panicky if you run out of wine and can't get any for the evening? was there something that triggered the nightly drinking 3 yrs ago? how do you cope if you're away from home (travelling, staying at your gf's place, etc.) - is there anxiety in not being able to be at home, in privacy, drinking?

sorry for all the questions, and the lack of any helpful words - i'd just like to know a bit more about your situation.

Hi there loggedoutdude. I don't have any good advices (1am, nothing good going on in my head at all), I just wanted to say well done for recognising this issue. I know quite a few people who drink more than you do and insist it's not a problem. It sounds like you're committed to finding a way through - good luck.

who do you drink with? who's even aware of how much you're drinking? in the same vein as just1ne's q's.

want to 2nd surfing's post--some folks I know wouldn't get as far as you have re: coming to this realization.

in a twisted way I miss having warning signs or alarm bells going off with regards to my health

i am familiar with this in other things and it's a terrible trap! You already have a warning sign: the warning sign is that you're worried, and that you know you're not doing your body right. (yes, two bottles of wine a night can't be healthy) (also: yeah-- tea, water, juice)

So: good on you for noticing and for facing up to yourself, and taking it more public than your conversations with yourself even if only as far as ilx.

(my immediate thought - and apologies if this is horribly naive - is that if you drink in the evenings you should do something that leaves no time in the evenings for you to drink. maybe even take up running, so you're tired out and maybe won't feel like you have to drink before bed? idk, i am no doctor nor expert on addiction)

Do you have physical withdrawal symptoms if you don't drink every night? Do you drink at all during the day to avoid having such symptoms? It's one thing to focus on strategies for not drinking but it's a whole other thing if you're actively physically addicted to alcohol.

The latter might necessitate medical intervention.

also, even though the shame of it might be terrifying, i think it'd be worth talking to your doctor to see if you can get a medical perspective on stopping drinking (e.g. what physical symptoms to expect, whether you should taper down or stop outright). if your doctor recommends aa that doesn't mean you have to go!

uh, xpost with ENBB

Thank you all for attending this thread, it means a lot...

To answer Justine's questions:
- Yes, I have tried not to drink (or rather, not to buy wine), but I indeed must admit I get anxious if I don't have any wine in. Very anxious. As I said, it feels so habitual, I cannot for the life of me think of "me" going without my wine anymore. I just cannot.
- There wasn't a big trigger that caused this, no. It slowly crept in. I've always been prone to addiction (marihuana, for one, I shook that off years ago) and this particular behaviour runs in the family, but there wasn't a huge "event" that lead me into drinking this much. It just... happened.
- If I am away from home I can cope relatively easily. I don't go on a binge when away from home, I adjust to other people's drinking behaviour and pace and am ok with that, although when in company I am the one who drinks the most. When with my girlfriend I don't drink as much either, but that is also because, y'know, sex takes up a lot of time.
- I don't feel anxiety about not being home so I can drink, no (relatively speaking, that is).

The drinking is a solitudinous thing, yes, very much. But it's the habituality of it that makes it so deceiving, covering up that it is a real problem, for me.

Thank you Zora, I appreciate that, a lot. And Darraghmac, I drink alone, nobody is aware of how much I drink.

xp's, catching up

you're either boozed up or getting laid and *you're asking us* for advice

OK, it does not sound like you're physically dependent on alcohol. My mother is an alcoholic who has been in detox/rehab several times and from what you've described it doesn't sound like you would go through physical withdrawal which is a good thing. Mental addiction is a very very real thing but at least you don't have to tackle both aspects tho unfortunately the physical part is often easier to actually kick.

do wish to echo the admiration that you're facing this without being driven to it, btw. that can only be positive.

Thank you all, so much. I am struggling to express how much all of your responses mean to me. Especially because I feel like a total wuss being logged out and all. But it was just one step too far to "confess" all this and do this under my real dn too. And yet you all aren't judging me for it, which is.. amazing <3

@C Sharp Major: thand you. That is sound advice, but I have tried starting to drink later and later in the evening, only to find myself drinking at a much higher pace. It's crazy to say I don't have any control over that, because I do, but most times it feels like I don't. And I end up staring at two empty bottles of wine and thinking: how the hell did I down that in three hours?

@Erica, thank you so much, you are talking a lot of sense, as usual. No, I do not drink during the day. I don't have the slightest desire. "During the day" equals working, being out there. And I am not constantly thinking about drinking at night during the day either. But I will make damn sure that after work I buy enough wine to "see me through" (ugh).

I suppose you, ENBB and C# are right, I should discuss this with my MD. I hadn't the courage before, this is only blowing up in my face right now because of completely trivial reasons. But all the better, I suppose, finally trying to face it...

"I cannot for the life of me think of "me" going without my wine anymore"

This is a huge thing and is a big thing for me wrt smoking (something wich I've sort of but not entirely recently given up). It was very hard to see myself as a non-smoker because being a smoker was an enormous part of my identity, my daily ritual and just such a habit. I made myself focus on the benefits of not smoking namely health and money an started buying myself stuff with the money I saved from not buying cigarettes. It sounds silly but it's been really helpful. Maybe you could do similarly with wine?

when i was in my early 20s i had a similar problem, and at the point where i decided that it was a problem, i made a rule for myself that i couldn't drink alone, and stuck to it. i also went about a year not drinking at all, then slowly phased back in over the course of several years.

good luck!

I’m checking out of this thread for not being hardcore enough, but do they still say the fucking Lord’s Prayer at every AA meeting? Fuck that shit

oh god no

xp I wasn’t criticising your near-sobriety nor the journey you took to get there, just pointing out that the thread was more about getting there

AA (and especially NA) adapts to the community. Sometimes it’s very secular, sometimes it’s very Christian.

Nevertheless, I’ve never been to a meeting where Christian identity was more present than what’d you expect at a weekly Boy Scouts of America meeting.

the bsa, a famously nurturing organization. i have no opinion about aa but validate even a little bit of god stuff being a no-go for many. i can also understand how it works and is amazing for a lot of people. i feel grateful i was able to get sober without having to do it tbqf.

I started rethinking that when I found a near-beer that is actually really good. I noticed that I will drink one and stop. It tastes good and I especially like them when I'm eating food that I previously had with beer. With alcohol after I got near the end of a drink this little debate would start up in my head: "One more?" "Sure! One more!" and later "Another?" "Oh, I don't know, maybe...." and it was always a THING. A small issue to think about or avoid thinking about. But I would always want another.

nice miniature of what drinking was like for me too. i don't do near-beer but the closest drink that gets me that famously 'refreshed on a hot day' feeling is ... horchata? lol. i think it has something to do with the grain carbs. but anyway a cold horchata on a hot day is the best.

My post was informational, not an endorsement!

gotcha

It’s rare that I have near-beer in the fridge.

Soda water on ice with a lot of lime is my drink of choice. Running out of limes is a critical issue. We can be out of milk but if I run out of limes it is a trip to the grocery store.

the big problem with the good near beers is that they cost just as much as regular beer, if they were just a little cheaper I would be happy

I’m like six months in to hard hard teetotal, and hit a week of “family is all boozing and relaxed and I’m just increasingly furious at this boring nonsense.” Everyone gathered there was a person I like or love, and they were v concerned something was wrong me. What is a good writing on strategies for this?

E.g. we’re on a nice boat on a fancy lake mid-day, we stop at a club to grab food and drinks and I just said “you know I feel like walking. Byeee” and so I walked three miles solo back to a v nice town and I just took in the sights, and then I walked back to the house. Both possibilities were dull, but one was intolerable— and it wasn’t because I wanted drink— I wanted something not annoying as fuck.

Idk your mental state but being on a boat on a lake would definitely make me feel trapped, and I don't like that feeling. I'm sure it didn't help if people around you were sensing that something was wrong, asking you what's wrong, and you don't even know yourself what is bothering you. Sometimes (especially early on) sobriety is just... like that.

Also just in general, I'm a big fan of AA's philosophy of "We can go anywhere that other people go, provided we have a good reason for being there." But you have to honest with yourself!

So like... Why be around your family when it annoys you? Is it a sense of obligation because somebody else spent money on this thing and invited you? Do you have a partner or kids whose participation would not be possible without your support? Is there a specific older relative you want to spend as much time as possible with? Whatever the answer, it can be helpful to consider the question. Asking "What can I bring to this situation?" (and again, it's critical to be honest, the answer is never "Nothing, I'm a huge piece of shit" even when it feels like it is) opens up new possibilities and perspectives, and usually helps me find some breathing room outside of my own turbulent feelings.

I just saw a funny thing in The New Yorker where Carrie Brownstein describes listening to Cat Power as 'hanging out sober with a friend who's tripping on mushrooms.'

obv a little different but we've all been there in some way or another

being queer and sober-ish is tough. i'm hanging out tonight with a couple friends and am hoping they're not too high to talk. i mean they have chronic pain, etc., but i wind up feeling pretty lonely in situations where i'm the only sober person.

Most of my friends who I do music stuff are pretty focused on the music stuff when we're together. That's a little easier than just hanging out and drinking.

I've also reached the age where enough of us are sober, sober-curious, or pacing themselves because they work in the morning or they are eriving or whatev.

Every now and then there's a person who's getting steadily stupider while I keep my wits about me, and that is its own kind of fun.

Erg *stuff with

*driving or whatev

TY all— it was def two situations where I was very aware it was TOTALLY in my head. I like to imagine I’m controlled and self-aware enough to order myself to “SIT! STAY! Be yourself— this scene is not about you.” Nope. Still uh re-socializing I guess.

I’m three years in and am finally getting to where social situations don’t make me extremely anxious.

I still don’t get excited about any big gatherings and being around drinkers is a drag. Not because of temptation but…. I don’t know. It feels embarrassing for everyone, like i’m at an orgy with my clothes on.

i got dragged out to a dj set in an outdoors amphitheater type setting last night. it's funny how boring so much dance music is when you're sober, especially in a public setting like that. so much of it was boring when i was drinking too. it was a little surreal seeing all of these 'cool concert goers' do all of the concert going things that they do. so different than my life now. so not fun for me anymore. way past my bedtime for starters. got in the way of any trail running or lifting that day. (this morning i got up and positively white-knuckled it through breakfast and the drive out to my usual trail, i was so antsy to get into it after nothing for two days). i sat in the bleachers in the back and watched the full moon, a much more fulfilling activity than joining my partner and his friends in the crush of the crowd, raising my hands in the air to jamie xx's boring ass repetitive saccharine flat gentrifier-grey beat grid. my partner got to dance with friends and would come back to check on me from time to time, and he was grateful i came with him, so ultimately i didn't mind too much.

tomorrow we're hosting a party for the first time in a long time. it's a record-playing party at our place. i'm sure a few people will have some drinks (it's byob but we'll have some beer on hand too for the drinkers). but the vibe here is such that i know there won't be excess, plus they're all pretty responsible. i will be a little baked of course.

Enjoy the party, map. Stay well everybody.

Map, in my 11+ years of sobriety, I’ve not been able to get back into going to live music events. I guess the drinking was a big part of why I enjoyed them in the past. Still love music at home and in the car, but I am puzzled by sober friends who like to go to multi-hour events with all the hassles and fucked-up ppl. Oh well. Some childhood friends have recently been on my case to join them for 3 days of Phish this fall. A) I dont like phish and B) that would be a huge threat to my sobriety. Not going to happen but I’ve been reluctant to tell them why and feel like a buzzkill.

And I, too, have gotten way into trail running over the last 15 years. It’s an excellent alternative.