suicide

Distractions are helping, though, and if anything I am extraordinarily easy to distract, so I've been dicking around with video games and music and comics whenever I can justify it to myself as not a total waste of time.

Man, I have always struggled with these thoughts. I mean, I know this, so I have basically gone out of my way to try and make it not possible to happen. It's always my brain's first response to things, though, and it's unwanted. Like how I always think of Book of Mormon verses that relate to things that are going on even though I don't believe them, or find them in any way beneficial or pleasant. It's just the first thing my mind throws up in reaction to some things. In reaction to "setbacks" or just sadness, it's always, 'Hey, death...can we make this happen?' I hate this so much, I hate that the past 15 years of my life have been my mind telling me several times a week that I should die. I feel like an ass saying this but I am just in so much pain right now.

I am just in so much pain right now.

i'm really sorry to read this. i hope things get better.

Abbott, though I obviously can't place myself entirely in your shoes, I also really empathize and understand. Often, my first reaction to bad shit surrounding me is 'well i could always just kill myself.' but then i think about all of my friends who've done the act, and how much i miss them, and how i would never want to make anyone i care about feel that way.

just know that you're not alone. we all care about you here. if you ever want to talk or anything, i'm around. need to get my AIM account re-set up, but yeah. <3

You're not an ass for saying that, Abbott! It's a big deal to put all of that in writing, even here...seriously, lay it on us, we can take it. (hugs!)

Hang in there, Abbott. If there's anything I've learned from trying to help my wife, it's that this hopeless feeling always passes.

Hey Abbott, I know I've only been here less than a year and we haven't really talked, but you are definitely one of the coolest, nicest and smartest people here.

I won't say that I know *exactly* how you feel because feelings are too nuanced for that, but the allure of suicide definitely comes back to me rather often, but, as Table and others in the thread have said, the amount of pain it would cause my loved ones keeps me alive.

If you ever want to talk about anything at all my AIM name is cocoreyrey.

Abbott, hope you feel better soon! You know where I am if you need to talk.

Simply echoing what all have said. Stick around, Abbott. The sunrises, outside or inside yourself, do come.

every post by abbott is a sunrise, tbrr

^

suicide is the worst thing, dont do it, please

Develop an overwhelming fear of death. It worked for me.

what ice cr?m said

also: Abbott u rock & are a valuable ilxor imo

I know exactly what you mean about that reflexive first-thought brain response and I HATE it.

Please don't. I don't want to make you feel GUILTY or anything, but you are a ray of sunshine to so many people you don't even know that you are to. (sorry clumsy grammar)

Or if that doesn't work, you can do like I do - I know very few people who would actively miss me for long if I were gone, but I DOOO thing about the people that it actively pisses them off that I'm still alive, and go on living as a constant "fuck you" to them. It's far more satisfying. ;-)

(This post has not been entirely serious, but my assertions as to the awesomeness and necessary-ness of the continuation of Abbott have been entirely serious.)

abbott hope you can feel better, you are a great person it seems to me.

Abbott I don't know if this is true or not, but in a Donald Barthelme story there was a reference to Nietzsche saying somewhere that the thought of suicide helped get him thru many a long night -- Nietzsche, u will recall, did not end up killing himself, altho he did go pretty crazy, but... point being, hey, hang in there kiddo! <3

hang in there, abbs!

Oh Abbott HUGS HUGS HUGS. I know exactly how you feel, but there're always so many people who'd always feel sad if you actually did it. Pls don't.

feel like an ass saying this

ILX and the mad animals fanclub need you. Here's a little tip: indulge in something that makes you feel special and good, where you're pampered and cared for, like a nail salon, therapeutic mud bath, massage, etc, etc. - if that doesn't work and you still feel like an ass, then maybe you could schedule an appointment at the famous:

http://i33.tinypic.com/28he4u9.jpg

you climb up through whatever means, and you live to tell your pain that you were stronger than it was.

sage advice from upthread.
like you say in your post, this has been a nagging problem with your brain for a long time, and you've kept your brain in check for all that time. it sucks that it's there but you're real strong to have kept doing what you're doing and not letting it mess you around. wish you the best luck finding good ways to feel better.

A, I know all too well what you're saying. But just let it pass another day. And then another. Have you talked about this with others? Because you have to. Really. (I haven't completely *displayed* my feelings, as usual. But I did check with a doctor and now I'm on pills, although I fear not strong enough.) Suicide is not a solution: depression can be solved much easier and more rewarding, you can live happy. I don't know for how long this has been going on, but it has got to stop. I know from personal experience just going through the motions isn't going to solve it. Check with a doctor and get some pills. Then proceed towards therapy. Let's do this together, A. :-)

StanM: That's good advice for someone who's had a bad day at work or had an argument with someone and feels a little down. Abbott's far, far beyond that--you've just done the equivalent of advising someone to put out a fire with a water pistol.

abbott: you had been so helpful and kind to me when i was at my lowest not that long ago. if there's anything that i can do to return the favor, please get in touch with me somehow and any time. i mean it.

xp: ok

Abbott, again - you're a wise and illuminating person to interact with here and I've learned TONS from stuff you just randomly post, as if the knowledge you have was no biggie at all. It is. Hang in there!

^ this. Abbott, you are one of my favorite posters here and you have a lot to offer the world. Please don't give up on yourself.

And I'm willing to listen, too.

in a Donald Barthelme story there was a reference to Nietzsche saying somewhere that the thought of suicide helped get him thru many a long night -- Nietzsche, u will recall, did not end up killing himself, altho he did go pretty crazy,

Ha! Bernard, that does help actually. I always got bummed at this poster that was all around downtown Las Cruces like 'Hey look at all this mentally ills, they had lives people admire,' and half of them ended in suicide. But, a lot didn't too, I guess, which didn't occur to me until just now. You have to admire people who struggle with thoughts like that and never succumb! Good role models.

I was having a dark night last night, thanks for everyone's kind words.

abbott - hope you are feeling better, you are like the best person i know who i have never actually met. sending good vibes.

echoing everyone else; you're awesome. i hope you feel better soon.

Oh Abbott, you are supremely awesome and a brilliant person - having you on ilx is such a source of joy, the way you write about things makes me look at them newly and always in a more interesting light. It's horrible to know that you're in pain; you are a person who I don't want to be sad.

I am one of those people who likes to keep suicide as an ace up my sleeve, the thing I'll have left even if I haven't anything else - and sometimes it's a useful reassurance and sometimes it's a terrible crutch, and sometimes all I can do is daydream about being run over because then it wouldn't even be my fault. But I think about it pretty much on a daily basis, even when I'm not unhappy, just idly. The worst of it, sometimes, is hating yourself for it because it feels like such a selfish and such a petulant reaction - like a teenager stropping 'i'll kill myself and you'll be sorry'. But all I can do is live with it - and, like you said, go out of my way to make it impossible, by having things I can't leave unfinished and people I can't leave behind, and the unfinishable project of being a decent person to fall back on. It is no fun! You have all my sympathy.

I think that the past few summer weeks and especially the past week has had something maddening in the air. Technically the best thing to do would be to not sit on this loco energy but expel it by going on a long jog or a long walk.

I started having some suicidal thoughts lately just because there is a bunch of problems in my life that have been stacking up. I've also had thoughts of punching the wall or hitting my head against it. (I should be taking my own advice to get some exercise). However, I have come up with some ideas to alleviate my problems. One of which will be visiting a pysch/therapist next Tuesday.

Abbot, I don't know you outside this board, but I value your opinions much too highly for me to sleep soundly with the knowledge that I'll never read them again. I love you, and hang on.

i hope you're okay.

yeah. hang in there, kid.

I started having some suicidal thoughts lately . . . . However, I have come up with some ideas to alleviate my problems. One of which will be visiting a pysch/therapist next Tuesday.

― @( * O * )@ (CaptainLorax)

you hang in there, too.

I just realized that Abbott and I are the same age (I was reading a thread on ILTMI)

Abbott, do you have a boyfriend or husband? For some reason I'm thinking that you have a husband

I have always been under the impression that if I wasn't single then the problems in my life wouldn't seem so bad (this is just a hypothesis)

I have a husband and he's an A+ dude.

A+ dude husbands don't magic problems away. And StanM, just to let you know that little things that make things better for a little while are a good thing, imo, and I think it's good advice, even if it's advice that's hard to take on board when you feel like you've been kicked from all angles.

Hang on in there Abbott.

I have a husband and he's an A+ dude.

― spanikopitcon (Abbott), Saturday, 7 August 2010 23:30 (9 minutes ago)

has weird opinions about indie metal imho

abb just mailed your ilx email...

abbott hope you can feel better, you are a great person it seems to me.

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Saturday, August 7, 2010 5:49 AM

Thank you, ailsa - my message was mainly an attempt to bring some levity and maybe, optimistically, even a smile at that "ass hair salon" picture which I had rather far fetchedly tried to semi-relevantly link to abbott's message and words. (She said she felt like an ass, sometimes people who feel bad pamper themselves by getting their hair did, ass hair salon picture, done. That's how my brain cell works.) The stern reprimand afterwards only reminded me that my kind of childish thinking usually only annoys grown ups, which I tend to forget. Thanks for the consolation, though.

You'd think that this realisation would be enough to stay away from serious threads like this one, but I think that if someone like me, who has more than enough reasons to be depressed and suicidal if I thought about it enough to let it all become a problem (no close friends at all, no idea how to get out more, almost 40 year old vir(that movie with steve carroll), looking like frank black from the pixies, embarrassing health issues I probably should get looked at but won't, etc etc) can miraculously not have a problem and be at peace with his life then there's hope for everyone. Although that may not immediately be clear from my typical "just posting something i thought was funny to a thread I thought was relevant" posting style.

But anyway. More than tmi than I like to divulge.

yeah, had no idea you were so old!

Abbott, I am a lazy poster and more of a lurker really, but your posts are one of the main reasons I'm here.

Stan dont feel bad about what you posted, I thought it was sweet :/

I think we all know Stan meant well as he's a good guy!

Ass Hair Salon made me lol...levity is good!

<3 u all