― mookieproof (mookieproof), Friday, 3 December 2004 05:52 (twenty-one years ago)
― It's hard to kill a horse with a flute (AaronHz), Friday, 3 December 2004 05:55 (twenty-one years ago)
― mookieproof (mookieproof), Friday, 3 December 2004 05:57 (twenty-one years ago)
― lauren (laurenp), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:15 (twenty years ago)
― Jimmy Mod: NOIZE BOARD GRIL COMPARISON ANALYST (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:17 (twenty years ago)
― lauren (laurenp), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:31 (twenty years ago)
― latebloomer: FUCK CRITICS FUCK YOUR REVIEW, EVEN IF YOU LIKE ME FUCK YOU (latebl, Friday, 2 June 2006 14:42 (twenty years ago)
"the ocean, bob? you don't know anyone in the ocean."
"It's like that tree over there - [pontification about tree]. But when you put it all together: icky tree, icky icky tree, i hate that tree! It's much the same with you."
xpost COW CAR COW CAR COW ... CAR ...
― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:44 (twenty years ago)
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:49 (twenty years ago)
― bell labs (bell_labs), Friday, 2 June 2006 14:57 (twenty years ago)
― gear (gear), Friday, 2 June 2006 15:05 (twenty years ago)
― mookieproof (mookieproof), Friday, 2 June 2006 15:09 (twenty years ago)
― sinful caesar sipped his snifter (kenan), Friday, 2 June 2006 15:34 (twenty years ago)
― Safety First (pullapartgirl), Friday, 2 June 2006 15:52 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 15:59 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:06 (twenty years ago)
What movie???
Not very good aside from the "Enema-bag Jones" part.
― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:10 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:14 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:15 (twenty years ago)
Dave was in Blast From the Past a few years back--it wasn't really that good but he, Brendan Fraser, and Christopher Walken put in some pretty good performances I thought.
― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:26 (twenty years ago)
― Oblivious Lad. (Oblivious Lad), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:43 (twenty years ago)
Bruce: Yeah...those are all hacked...[shrugs and gestures to couple] Take care.
[The Couple leaves and a Kevin enters the store and begins looking around the record bin.]
Kevin: 'Scuse me.
Bruce: Yeah?
Kevin: Do you have the new Depeche Mode record?
Bruce: Yeah it's over there, [motions to the record bin] but it sucks.
[He continues to work on paperwork.]
Kevin: Well, do you have the latest Pixies album?
Bruce: Yeah, but it sucks. All that new stuff sucks, but it's over there.
Kevin: You know, actually I was thinking of getting into something vintage. Anyway...I don't know, maybe The Doors?
[Bruce spins around and looks at Kevin.]
Bruce: Really! Never had you figured for a Doors fan.
Kevin: I'm not really a Doors fan, but sure I'd like to get into them...
Bruce: No no no my friend! Doors fans aren't made, they're born. I think right now in Africa there's some guy madly beating on a drum. He's a Doors fan. Or an old lady sitting on the bus sucking humbugs. She's a Rider On The Storm, but she ain't never heard the sounds.
[Bruce looks at Kevin and snaps his fingers.]
Bruce: So what about you?
Kevin: Well I heard a record of theirs last night at a party...
Kevin: ...and I've always liked Love Her Madly.
Bruce: Well, if you become a Doors fan, Love Her Madly is the only song you won't like.
Kevin: Oh right! [Looking through the record bin eagerly] I guess I should start with the Greatest Hits?!
Bruce: Hey! Greatest Hits are for housewives and little girls!
[He takes the record away from the Kevin and throws it across the store, and starts pushing the Kevin out of the store.]
Bruce: You're not serious! You don't want to be a Doors fan! Get out of my store! We're closed, get out!
[Bruce walks back toward the counter, clearly offended.]
Kevin: No no no no! I want you to show me the way!
Bruce: turns and looks at Kevin with disgust.
Bruce: Was that a Frampton reference in my store?!
[Kevin thinks for a second as a look of terror crosses his face.]
Kevin: No no no no! No lyrics, just words, just words...words?
Bruce: All right if you want to be a Doors fan, you cant just buy any album. It's scientific.
[Bruce goes to the record bin and picks out an album.]
Bruce: You gotta buy this...Waiting For The Sun. It's the departure point.
[Bruce kisses the album tenderly and glances at the credits on the back.]
Bruce: Listen to it around dusk every night for about a month.
[He hands the album to Kevin.]
Kevin: Sounds good! Then what...?
Bruce: Who's playing bass?
[Kevin looks frantically at the back of the record.]
Kevin: Umm duuuu baaaa.... No one?!
Bruce: No bass!
Kevin: No bass?!
Bruce: That's right! The gypsies had no homes, The Doors had no bass. But don't let that scare you, my friend let that liberate you! 'Cause when you're free flying with the Doors, man - what do you need a safety net for?
Kevin: [shouting] Viva Le Doors!
Bruce: Viva Le Doors. But listen, there's a burden that every real Doors fan has got to live with. That's the fact that the greatest rock n' roll band of all time is never going to play live again. You can't live in the past...
Kevin: No wait...there's hope. I heard once that Iggy Pop is going to front them and the Doors are going to tour again!
Bruce: Where did ya hear that?
Kevin: I heard it somewhere...
Bruce: Yeah?!? Read it in your precious Creem Magazine maybe? Well, it's not going to happen.
Kevin: Well how do you know that?
Bruce: Because somebody told me.
Kevin: Well, who told you?
Bruce: Do you wanna know who told me?
Kevin: Well, yeah...
Bruce: Jim Fuckin' Morrisson told me, that's who!!
[Vito runs into the store.]
Vito: Hey! Do you have the new Depeche Mode album?
[Kevin points at Vito and screams...]
Kevin: SUUUUCCKKSS!
[Vito runs out of the store.]
Bruce: I forgive you. Here. [Hands Kevin a copy of Morrisson Hotel] Take this, it's an 8-track tape. It's one of the last in existence. I want you to steal a car...
Kevin: I have a car...
Bruce: Steal a car!
Kevin: Steal a car!!
Bruce: I want you to get in it and drive West. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight, then get back into the car, come to town and meet me at the Carcas Club.
Kevin: What will you do?
Bruce: I will let you in to the most prestigious hotel of all time...
Kevin: Which is?
Bruce: [rolling his eyes] Mor'son Hotel!
Kevin: Then what?
Bruce: Then, you're gonna be a Doors fan, man.
― gear (gear), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:49 (twenty years ago)
I have that! I think it's in season 4.
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:54 (twenty years ago)
― Deric W. Haircare (Deric W. Haircare), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:58 (twenty years ago)
I kinda wanna get the Season 4 set just for Chalet 2000 alone...
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 16:59 (twenty years ago)
― latebloomer: FUCK CRITICS FUCK YOUR REVIEW, EVEN IF YOU LIKE ME FUCK YOU (latebl, Friday, 2 June 2006 16:59 (twenty years ago)
― jewess harvell (dubplatestyle), Friday, 2 June 2006 17:17 (twenty years ago)
― jewess harvell (dubplatestyle), Friday, 2 June 2006 17:20 (twenty years ago)
― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Friday, 2 June 2006 17:22 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 17:24 (twenty years ago)
First thing in the morning, people give me garbage - that's how I know my day has started. "I'm sorry sir, its not my fault if your signature just isn't holding up. It's just not good enough. I've been watching it deteriorate for months. You're losing it guy, and it shows. Oh yeah, I'll take it around and show it to people, but not so they'll authorize the cheque, so they can have a good laugh. Sir, were you aware that you're gross? Did you know that your cheques smell?" I looked at him and it was like, "Who would screw you?" But at night, I'm crazy.
[Cue cheesy dance club music. The lighting in the diner changes to flashing colours and strobe lights. Bruce gets off his chair and dances passionately, but rather like any guy at a junior prom]
Some nights I go crazy, some nights I get crazy. I'm the king of the club! I get back and forth. Hey [Kufka?], how ya doin? Screw the bank I work for, screw the bank! Hey Ben! Good lookin [?], great hair! Screw the bank I work for, screw the bank.
[The music stops, the original lighting returns. Bruce slides back into his seat]
". . . I'm sorry 'Ms.' Iverson. I just can't fit my lunch break into the tight parameters you set. To me a lunch hour isn't an hour - it's a state of mind. I'm sorry if it's welfare cheque day and that they'll be hobbling in in droves. Don't blame me for *having* a job, why don't you blame some of the people who can't hold down jobs but take cabs all the time anyway?" I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like, "Who would screw you?" She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances. But someday, I'll go crazy.
[The club music and lighting returns. Bruce is dancing once more]
I'll eat pancakes on her grave! Forget my diet. Screw the bank I work for, screw the bank! I'll be quitting soon. Screw the bank!
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:34 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:47 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:48 (twenty years ago)
― Bnad (Bnad), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:50 (twenty years ago)
Transcribed from: Comedy Central Transcribed by: Matt Morrison ([email protected])
Cast:
* Bruce- A cop * Mark- Another cop * Kevin- Killer
[Setting: A Crime Scene. We see a photographer taking pictures, various neighbors watching the scne and many policemen wandering around looking at things.]
[A detective arrives on the scene and comes to the porch where an uniform officer is chopping up the wooden front porch with a fireaxe. As the boards are moved, someone comments on the smell, the photographer snaps pictures, and we see a corpse.. a blue-skinned man in a band uniform, clutching his mini-tuba.]
[We move into the house, following the detective. It's an old house, falling apart, and he searches with his flashlight, coming upon two uniform officers lifting debris off of a freezer. They lift the panel as the detective shines his light in to reveal the frozen corpse of a trumpet player, in band uniform, his lips frozen to his horn.]
[Cut to the detective shining his light on a spot in the ceiling. More officers are sawing apart the ceiling panels when a corpse holding cymbals, tumbles out, backwards. His cymbals bang together as he falls, comping to land in an L shape, torso danging backwards out of the hole.]
[We cut back to the front of the house, where Bruce and Mark lead out Kevin in handcuffs. They escort him to their car and lock him in the back as photos are taken. Mark tries to smile, wave and generally heroic for the camera.]
Mark: In.
[Mark gets Bruce's car door and Bruce sits down. Mark gets ready to move as Bruce coughs politely.]
Mark: Sorry.
[Mark closes the door for Bruce, remembering his genetlemanly skills finally and moves around to get into the drivers side of the car.]
Bruce: [turns to Kevin] You sir are a bad piece of business. BAD piece of business.
[Mark gets in the car and also turns around to Kevin.]
Mark: [interested] So why did you do it, man?
Kevin: [gets a crazy look in his eyes] Omp-pa Omp-pa Omp-pa Ya-dah-dah-dah. (etc.)
[Kevin repeats this rhythm, obviously imitating the sound of an omp-ah band, as Mark turns around and shakes his head.]
Bruce: Okay. I think we get the point.
― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:54 (twenty years ago)
They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery. Apparently, I've logged more hours in surgery than any other man my age. Four thousand hours this year alone. What no one seems to have noticed that it was all with the same patient.
Oh, I want to show you something. You know what this is? Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me! I don't know what to do with it! I've got a fridge full of this stuff. I mean, I suppose I could send it out to the lab, but they'd only send back a lot of test results that I couldn't possibly understand.
The only thing I'm actually sorta good at is referrals. You know that thing where doctors send patients to other doctors. Well, I'm the king of referrals. What I do is I call the, uh, the sick person into my office, and I stare for a long time really seriously at this blank sheet of paper. Then I say, "Hmmm. I'd like you to see someone. He's a specialist in this area." (laughs) There are specialists who have their whole career based on my referrals. I am the cornerstone of a medical empire. (sighs) Well, I really should be going. I've gotta tell the family that the patient didn't make it - hardest part of being a doctor...I think!
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 19:57 (twenty years ago)
― joseph (joseph), Friday, 2 June 2006 20:57 (twenty years ago)
― joseph (joseph), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:02 (twenty years ago)
SANTA: "Very mature, Buddy! Verrry matuuuuure!"
― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:06 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:07 (twenty years ago)
Why 20!
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:21 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:21 (twenty years ago)
― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:25 (twenty years ago)
― Deric W. Haircare (Deric W. Haircare), Friday, 2 June 2006 21:33 (twenty years ago)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwK-2qgBPrk(I think I'm in the minority in being a Foley fan.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyXf8SBzlfc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2yOTTImVKk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCSDrtCK2gA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht55F6xTDnk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y7y7AEq82I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTe_zBg1uT8
Girl Drink Drunk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZK6RISIuPU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGk25WwW3h4
Now who wants to talk Frantics?
― Sundar (sundar), Friday, 2 June 2006 22:36 (twenty years ago)
To whoever mentioned his spot on Scrubs--I was actually kind of disappointed. He played a grief counselor and I felt he was tremendously underused. He and Jason Bateman (also criminally underused) were part of a stint of mediocre guest star-featuring episodes early in this season.
― Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Friday, 2 June 2006 22:59 (twenty years ago)
― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 2 June 2006 23:18 (twenty years ago)
― AaronK (AaronK), Saturday, 3 June 2006 00:03 (twenty years ago)
from the classic TAMMY skit.
― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Saturday, 3 June 2006 00:28 (twenty years ago)