suicide

TT: feel free to email me as well. I am crazy busy these days, but if I can I may at least be able to talk.

Whatever else may happen, you really aren't alone. Please take up any offers to talk or for therapy. I am learning a lot of this stuff right now, too.

Thanks for the encouragement- it sounds trite to say this but it really does mean a lot. I think the worst of it is over...my grandmother passed away on Saturday, and the details of making funeral arrangements, travel, and helping my mom and her siblings has put a lot of my self-pity-party bullshit into perspective. I'm seeing a new psychologist after work today, and hopefully I'll be able to lay this out in a way that makes sense. I've also got an unfilled prescription for Prozac lying around that I might use to see if it helps... I was very resistant to the idea, since I've been on one or another of a huge pharmocopeia of psych meds for well over half my life at this point, and not only have none of them worked consistently, the side effects have very often made things worse (try gaining 60 lbs in one year in high school and see what that does to your confidence). But right now I think I'd rather be fat and distracted and unable to feel anything at all than constantly stuck on how much of a normal life I missed out on.

Thanks for the encouragement- it sounds trite to say this but it really does mean a lot. I think the worst of it is over...my grandmother passed away on Saturday, and the details of making funeral arrangements, travel, and helping my mom and her siblings has put a lot of my self-pity-party bullshit into perspective. I'm seeing a new psychologist after work today, and hopefully I'll be able to lay this out in a way that makes sense. I've also got an unfilled prescription for Prozac lying around that I might use to see if it helps... I was very resistant to the idea, since I've been on one or another of a huge pharmocopeia of psych meds for well over half my life at this point, and not only have none of them worked consistently, the side effects have very often made things worse (try gaining 60 lbs in one year in high school and see what that does to your confidence). But right now I think I'd rather be fat and distracted and unable to feel anything at all than constantly stuck on how much of a normal life I missed out on.
--a black white asian pine ghost who is fake (Telephone thing)

Well, hold that thought. It sounds like a cliche, but take it day-by-day. And find something -- ANYTHING -- to get your mind out of a self-destructive rut.

Hey, whoa, TT! That is some heavy shit!

Psych med side effects can be really not fun and really unpredictable. OTOH going on and off of them – not taking them for a couple days/weeks for whatever reason – has its own bouquet of different and (in my experience/opinion) even worse side effects. So when you say

I've also got an unfilled prescription for Prozac lying around that I might use to see if it helps

I could be wrong or jumping to conclusions, but it sounds like you have been on Prozac recently & stopped taking it for while. If you've been taking meds for a while & then stopped, that could be part of your problem. Some of my biggest psychological lows, my most fucked up times where I had the least perspective, were times not on meds or off meds, but just when I ran out of meds. If you want to quit taking them, work with a sympathetic doctor who knows how to taper off these things, but please try not to just stop taking them. Or, if you want to take them (which if you have been thinking about suicide, I would say this might not be the time to quit taking them, but once again talk to your doctor), stay on them. Just don't run out of pills! Once again, many apologies if I reached the wrong conclusion. I hope you get feeling less shitty.

abbott 100% otm

prozac has worked wonders for me

It's a new prescription, a couple weeks old, that I hadn't filled yet. I haven't been on any meds since earlier this year, when a short course of Pristiq made the depression unbearably worse and I tapered it off. I'm pretty skeptical of the Prozac, since I've been put on almost every other antidepressant on the market at one time or another and they never do any good, but I'm running out of options and if it's good for even a little while it would be worth it.

fwiw a large number of people I graduated with swear Prozac helped them survive college, like maybe 20-30 people

that's interesting that prozac is one you haven't tried - in new zealand it's pretty much the first thing they prescribe (i guess bc it's the cheapest/most generic in NZ) and then they go from there if it doesn't work.

I don't know why, either. It's practically synonymous with "antidepressant," the first one anyone thinks of when you mention them. I've been on practically everything else in the SSRI and SNRI classes at one time or another as well as a few others (Effexor, Pristiq, Wellbutrin, Remeron).

Tonight I'm keeping myself occupied with lots of coffee and loud music, which is working pretty well, Rotund for Success especially.

i am going through a real hard rough patch right now ... God, this is hell.

i am sorry to hear that EB. you were giving such good advice only a couple days ago. i mean, if that guy could talk to you now, you'd see that he's right. main thing is that how you feel in the moment is a transitory thing, no matter how final or permanent it might seem. it will pass and has basically nothing to do with who you are underneath.

hang in there, eisbar. you seem like a totally alright dude who deserves a break. hoping all this lifts for you soon.

and tt too of course.

i know, Louis. thanks for the kind words. i am trying to extricate myself from a very bad situation -- and people (including not a few ILXors) are helping me as best as they can. and i REALLY REALLY want to get out of this situation i'm in and i want to live. but in the end, i am alone -- and i am having a very rough, sleepless night. getting out of this is going to be very tough, and i don't know how i am going to make it. fear of the future is part of it, and i need courage and faith.

thanks, rent.

how am i louis now? so confusing... anyway, i wish there was something i could do to help. i don't know what your situation is, so i can't say anything too specific. just want you to be okay and to get through what only amounts to one night out of thousands. thing is, almost everything becomes less with time, but it's hard to see that when the storm comes down.

sorry contenderizer ... got you confused for some reason.

no worries. funny thing is, you're not the 1st to make the connection today. but you are the 1st to mean it. wheels within wheels...

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
— Charles M. Schulz

Eisbaer, TT, i've got nothing of substance to add except for my best wishes

I've been doing ok lately...some embarassing mood swings and sleep problems, but the doubling of my workload (our company's other customer service rep had to quit for personal reasons) has been kind of a blessing in disguise. I come home exhausted and frustrated, but frustrated with something _external_, which is a lot easier to deal with.

I've been trying to keep myself busy with productive stuff, reading and studying the subjects I wanted to get into but couldn't stand to think about after I failed out of school and gave up on myself for a while, but it's difficult going. Every so often I'll catch myself realizing that I've made basically no progress in my life for the last decade and have to go lie down until I can come to grips with just how much of my life I've wasted.

Distractions are helping, though, and if anything I am extraordinarily easy to distract, so I've been dicking around with video games and music and comics whenever I can justify it to myself as not a total waste of time.

Man, I have always struggled with these thoughts. I mean, I know this, so I have basically gone out of my way to try and make it not possible to happen. It's always my brain's first response to things, though, and it's unwanted. Like how I always think of Book of Mormon verses that relate to things that are going on even though I don't believe them, or find them in any way beneficial or pleasant. It's just the first thing my mind throws up in reaction to some things. In reaction to "setbacks" or just sadness, it's always, 'Hey, death...can we make this happen?' I hate this so much, I hate that the past 15 years of my life have been my mind telling me several times a week that I should die. I feel like an ass saying this but I am just in so much pain right now.

I am just in so much pain right now.

i'm really sorry to read this. i hope things get better.

Abbott, though I obviously can't place myself entirely in your shoes, I also really empathize and understand. Often, my first reaction to bad shit surrounding me is 'well i could always just kill myself.' but then i think about all of my friends who've done the act, and how much i miss them, and how i would never want to make anyone i care about feel that way.

just know that you're not alone. we all care about you here. if you ever want to talk or anything, i'm around. need to get my AIM account re-set up, but yeah. <3

You're not an ass for saying that, Abbott! It's a big deal to put all of that in writing, even here...seriously, lay it on us, we can take it. (hugs!)

Hang in there, Abbott. If there's anything I've learned from trying to help my wife, it's that this hopeless feeling always passes.

Hey Abbott, I know I've only been here less than a year and we haven't really talked, but you are definitely one of the coolest, nicest and smartest people here.

I won't say that I know *exactly* how you feel because feelings are too nuanced for that, but the allure of suicide definitely comes back to me rather often, but, as Table and others in the thread have said, the amount of pain it would cause my loved ones keeps me alive.

If you ever want to talk about anything at all my AIM name is cocoreyrey.

Abbott, hope you feel better soon! You know where I am if you need to talk.

Simply echoing what all have said. Stick around, Abbott. The sunrises, outside or inside yourself, do come.

every post by abbott is a sunrise, tbrr

^

suicide is the worst thing, dont do it, please

Develop an overwhelming fear of death. It worked for me.

what ice cr?m said

also: Abbott u rock & are a valuable ilxor imo

I know exactly what you mean about that reflexive first-thought brain response and I HATE it.

Please don't. I don't want to make you feel GUILTY or anything, but you are a ray of sunshine to so many people you don't even know that you are to. (sorry clumsy grammar)

Or if that doesn't work, you can do like I do - I know very few people who would actively miss me for long if I were gone, but I DOOO thing about the people that it actively pisses them off that I'm still alive, and go on living as a constant "fuck you" to them. It's far more satisfying. ;-)

(This post has not been entirely serious, but my assertions as to the awesomeness and necessary-ness of the continuation of Abbott have been entirely serious.)

abbott hope you can feel better, you are a great person it seems to me.

Abbott I don't know if this is true or not, but in a Donald Barthelme story there was a reference to Nietzsche saying somewhere that the thought of suicide helped get him thru many a long night -- Nietzsche, u will recall, did not end up killing himself, altho he did go pretty crazy, but... point being, hey, hang in there kiddo! <3

hang in there, abbs!

Oh Abbott HUGS HUGS HUGS. I know exactly how you feel, but there're always so many people who'd always feel sad if you actually did it. Pls don't.

feel like an ass saying this

ILX and the mad animals fanclub need you. Here's a little tip: indulge in something that makes you feel special and good, where you're pampered and cared for, like a nail salon, therapeutic mud bath, massage, etc, etc. - if that doesn't work and you still feel like an ass, then maybe you could schedule an appointment at the famous:

http://i33.tinypic.com/28he4u9.jpg

you climb up through whatever means, and you live to tell your pain that you were stronger than it was.

sage advice from upthread.
like you say in your post, this has been a nagging problem with your brain for a long time, and you've kept your brain in check for all that time. it sucks that it's there but you're real strong to have kept doing what you're doing and not letting it mess you around. wish you the best luck finding good ways to feel better.

A, I know all too well what you're saying. But just let it pass another day. And then another. Have you talked about this with others? Because you have to. Really. (I haven't completely *displayed* my feelings, as usual. But I did check with a doctor and now I'm on pills, although I fear not strong enough.) Suicide is not a solution: depression can be solved much easier and more rewarding, you can live happy. I don't know for how long this has been going on, but it has got to stop. I know from personal experience just going through the motions isn't going to solve it. Check with a doctor and get some pills. Then proceed towards therapy. Let's do this together, A. :-)

StanM: That's good advice for someone who's had a bad day at work or had an argument with someone and feels a little down. Abbott's far, far beyond that--you've just done the equivalent of advising someone to put out a fire with a water pistol.

abbott: you had been so helpful and kind to me when i was at my lowest not that long ago. if there's anything that i can do to return the favor, please get in touch with me somehow and any time. i mean it.

xp: ok

Abbott, again - you're a wise and illuminating person to interact with here and I've learned TONS from stuff you just randomly post, as if the knowledge you have was no biggie at all. It is. Hang in there!

^ this. Abbott, you are one of my favorite posters here and you have a lot to offer the world. Please don't give up on yourself.

And I'm willing to listen, too.