Dieter Laser's deliberately exaggerated accent kind of makes the whole film like an extended episode of "'Allo 'Allo" with added surgical mutilation.
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(External: the usual recycled shot of Neuvion town square and Rene's cafe. The pissoir in the centre isn't the only place where we'll be taking the piss HA HA oh dear... Theme music - a BBC sound library approximation of 'French' music - and titles.)
(Interior: Rene's cafe. Behind the bar is Rene. He is drying an infeasibly large cognac glass with a towel.)
Rene: "Ah, 'allo there my good friends! Welcome to another episode of this mildly racist, sexist, and homophobic teatime family sitcom! The plot is simply a device to justify the saying of a load of worn out old catch phrases, but I shall tediously re-iterate what's already happened for you again. Just in case you have been hit on the head by a billboard since the last time I saw you."
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(Interior: the back room of Rene's cafe. Rene is carrying some bottles of wine up from the cellar. DIRECTOR'S NOTE TO PROPS DEPT.: Can we please have Rene holding something more typically French, like one of those long thin loaves of bread or some onions on a string? Otherwise the audience are likely to forget we're in France.)
(Rene puts the wine on the table, then pulls back the curtains, to his surprise revealing Michelle of the Resistance.)
Michelle: "Listen very carefully, I shall say this catchphrase only once an episode as specified by my contract. Unless we're running short on gags. So... Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once..."
Rene: "Michelle, please, I am a humble cafe owner trying to run a business!"
Michelle: "No, you're a randy old man who is trying to get off with his waitresses without his wife finding out. And anyway, it is Edith who owns the cafe. But since this is patriarchal France in the early 1940's, it is your name that is painted on the window."
Rene: "Ah yes, well it does offer the possibility of humiliating comedy emasculation when Edith threatens to divorce me and marry that guy from the second tier Carry On movies. Anyway, I am busy, I have no time for comedy schemes involving running around darkened woods hiding behind trees in order to pad out ten minutes of an episode because the writers ran out of material."
Michelle: “It's not just hiding behind trees. We're often also looking off camera at stock footage of a steam train in the distance.”
Rene: “I always wonder why you Resistance girls dress identically. Surely it's a mistake, because the Germans could just go around arresting anyone wearing a beret, a beige trenchcoat, and short white socks.”
Michelle: "Anyway, enough of this!" (Michelle pulls out a stick of dynamite) "This is a stick of dynamite that we've stolen from the Communist Resistance!"
Rene: "Oh no! You cannot bring that in here! What if it were to go off accidentally?"
Michelle: "That's very unlikely to happen unless we need a comedy slapstick scene later on. There's nothing that brings the lulz more than people running around panicking because they might get their faces blown off."
Rene: “I cannot do this!”
Michelle (pulling out a gun): “If you do not, I will shoot you!”
Rene: “But then who will you get to carry out your poorly thought out plans? You've really not thought this through at all...”
Michelle: “But Rene, you are doing this for France, you will be a 'ero.”
Rene: “Why would I want to be a small overpriced chocolate bar full of air bubbles? Oh alright I agree to do it! Otherwise we'll be here all day and I'll never get to the scene where I try and have a bunk up in the cupboard with Yvette without being interrupted by my wife.”
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Edith: "Rene! You cannot blow up the Human Centipede! My poor mother's fiancee, Monsieur LeClerc, is the front segment, and poor Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker is in the middle!"
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Herr Flick (hitting Von Smallhausen over the head with his cane): “RONG!”
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(Interior: Rene's cafe. Rene is behind the bar. Various patrons, including several German officers, are sitting at tables. They all have cheese stuffed in their ears, as Edith is singing – a noise reminiscent of Maria Callas being run over by a steam roller.)
(The Human Centipede enters and approaches the bar. Rene does his k-lol rolleyes.gif expression)
LeClerc (the front segment of the centipede): “'ave you any stale bread for a poor hungry human centipede?”
Rene: “No we have not, go away!”
LeClerc (moving closer to Rene and lifting up his glasses): “It is I, LeClerc!”
Rene: (rolleyes.gif again) “I never would have guessed!”
LeClerc: “I have a message from Michelle of the Resistance!”
Rene: “Do not tell me here, the cafe is full of German officers! Go down the back passage.”
LeClerc: “The... back passage?”
Rene: “Yes I know, it's a weak innuendo – back passage blah blah. Endless laughter as I say lines like: 'I 'ad that Lt. Gruber in my back passage the other day' ROFL ROFL I'm sure. I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that there isn't a canal near here...”
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Carstairs: “I say Fairfax?”
Fairfax: “What is it Carstairs?”
Carstairs: “I was just wondering, why do we have to talk in these ridiculous comedy upper class English accents?”
Fairfax: “Because it helps to deflect criticisms of racism if we're taking the piss out of the English even more than everyone else, doyousee?”
Carstairs: “I suppose so. But we only appear once an episode for 30 seconds disguised as a laundry hamper.”
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Herr Flick: "Von Smallhausen has infiltrated the Human Centipede as the third segment!"
Helga: "How clever you are, Herr Flick."
Herr Flick: "Yes I know." (smirks slightly) "As soon as he is passed the painting, he will return here!"
Helga: "Is it time for the gratuitous underwear scene?"
Herr Flick: "Not yet. We still haven't had the comedy misunderstanding between Rene and Lt. Gruber. However, you may now kiss me while I stand completely motionless!"
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Crabtree: “'allo Rene. I was just pissing by your door.”
Rene: “Could you please stop doing that? I only just mopped up the puddle from last time.”
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Dieter Laser: “But Officer Crabtree, you don't understand! Trying to stop a randy old cafe owner blowing up a Human Centipede with a stick of dynamite to recover the forged painting of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp while being pursued by the German army and the Gestapo and the French Resistance is the name of my dog!”
(Theme music and credits: “You have been watching... A load of tired old shite. Really, it's Saturday evening, don't you have anything better to do?”)
― display-name aesthete (snoball), Saturday, 19 June 2010 09:35 (fifteen years ago)
three weeks pass...